As soon as the final bell rang, signaling the end of the school day, Hikigaya was out of his seat.
He didn't waste a second. While everyone else was busy chatting about hanging out in Keyaki Mall or going to karaoke, he slipped out of the classroom and into the hallway, already scanning his surroundings.
'If I'm going to do this… I have to do it now.'
He needed to find Sudo. But since Sudo hadn't come to class today, he couldn't tail him right away and this time he'd have to be a little cautious.
He started his search immediately.
First, he checked the usual places: the basketball club's main court, the gym entrance, even the vending machines nearby. Sudo was nowhere. There were plenty of club members around, so he asked a few of them where Sudo might be, but the answers were all the same.
"Haven't seen him."
"No idea."
"He skipped practice, I think."
He stepped back from the clubroom entrance and watched the members run drills, passing balls, shouting plays.
As he stood there, his thoughts naturally drifted toward the only thing that mattered right now: where would Sudo go after a day like this?
The more he thought about it, the clearer the outline became.
Being isolated by his friends in the alley that day, humiliated so badly by him in the process, and then missing the most important shot in the selection match… if he put himself in Sudo's place, it wasn't hard to imagine the state he'd be in. Frustration boiling under his skin, pride cracked down the middle and absolutely no outlet to dump any of it into.
That bitterness… he recognised it instantly. As if he'd held it in his own hands before.
'You're naive, Sudo. That's a road I walked long before you ever stepped onto it.'
Skipping school and getting reported… that had once been his specialty too, especially after everything that happened back then a few years ago.
He had become so pathetically wrapped up in his own self-loathing that he lashed out, desperate for someone 'anyone' to notice him in the same lousy way he already saw himself.
'That's why I can understand you right now.'
'What you're chasing.'
'What pushed you to this point.'
'And… what's stopping you from turning around.'
When people lost their place to belong, what is it that they wished for?
They wish someone else would find it for them.
If they can't see a place with their own eyes anymore, they wait for someone to point at it even if they pretend, they don't care or they don't need it.
So, narrowing down his options now isn't difficult.
'He wouldn't hole up in the dorms. At least not right now. A guy like him would go nuts if he had to sit alone with his own thoughts.' Hikigaya narrowed his eyes. 'And after clashing with his clubmates and getting treated like he's the problem… yeah, he wouldn't stick around here either.'
Which left only one possibility —
A place where he could burn through all that frustration without things getting too loud around him.
He clicked his tongue quietly. "…Figures."
He approached one of the senior players picking up loose balls by the court's edge.
"Hey, Senpai," Hikigaya called out.
The upperclassman turned, "Hm? Need something, first-year?"
"Yeah," Hikigaya said casually. "Are there any other basketball courts around campus? Ones not used by the club."
The senior blinked. "Other courts? Well… yeah, there are a bunch scattered around. This school's loaded with facilities."
"Oh," Hikigaya nodded "Then… are there any that people don't really use anymore? Like the older ones off to the side or something?"
"Hmm? Ah, yeah," the senior said. "There are a couple like that. Way out on the far side of campus. Pretty beat-up, so most students don't bother with them."
Bingo
"I see," Hikigaya said. "If that's the case, then can you please point me toward those?"
"Hmm… let me think," he murmured. "Ah, right! There's a busted court next to the old mini running track. Not many people roam around there, so… maybe that's the kind of place you're looking for."
"Got it. Thanks, Senpai."
He turned and began to walk, his pace steady but his mind already racing. As he moved down the corridor, a faint tension settled in his chest. He wasn't exactly nervous… but he wasn't relaxed either.
His original plan had worked flawlessly with Ike and Yamauchi. Twist them a little, corner them a little, let them break on their own and he was able to shape them or prepare them to do his bidding.
But Sudo? He had underestimated both the depth of his emotions and the mess of his current situation. And while he could still drag him over to his side… using the method he originally planned but that wouldn't be good for someone like Sudo in the long run.
Which meant that this time, he couldn't rely solely on pressure or manipulation.
He would have to approach Sudo little differently.
And the last time he had to deal with someone in that state… it had been himself, which was far worse.
He clicked his tongue softly. "…Tch this is gonna be annoying."
-----0-----
"—Haaaah! Take this"
CLANG
The ball hit the rim and bounced off for the third time in a row.
"Tch—come on…"
He picked the ball up again and stepped back toward the free-throw line, trying something different this time, a quick pull-up jumper he had done a thousand times before, the kind that usually went in without him even thinking '—It's… it's him! It's SUDO—it's all his DAMN FAULT.'
It missed again.
The ball bounced off the rim and rolled across the court before finally stopping a few feet away.
"…You gotta be kidding me."
He ran a hand through his hair, grabbed the ball again, and moved to a spot way outside his range. It was definitely stupid with his hand like this, but who cared? Screw it all. Thinking was useless anyway.
He planted himself, pulled the ball up into shooting form, and as he released it, a faint echo rang through his mind— 'Keep shouting, losers. It won't change a thing.'
CLANG
Another miss.
"…Of course. Of freakin' course."
The shout tore out of him before he could stop it. His hand throbbed with every movement, but he shoved the pain aside.
"Shitty hand… again can't even hold a damn ball right."
But even as he said it, he knew the pain wasn't what was getting under his skin.
It was everything else.
The noise in his chest.
The heat crawling under his skin.
That stupid mess of frustration that just wouldn't settle no matter how many damn shots he took. He dribbled hard, the ball echoing sharply in the empty space.
Why the hell couldn't he focus?
"Nah… screw that. Screw this damn injury too," he muttered, shaking his head like he could physically knock the thoughts out. "I'm makin' this one. For real this time. I have to. I have to…"
He bent down and picked up the ball again, pulling in a breath that felt more like a growl. Anything to shut his head up before it started making him feel like trash again.
He pushed off his left foot, launching himself into the air, and for a split second, everything felt right. His form was solid. His release was clean.
This was the one. He could feel it.
The ball left his fingertips with as much backspin as he could muster.
It went cleanly toward the hoop, spun along the rim for a moment—
rolled once…
twice…
and then slipped off like it was mocking him.
Sudo's eyes went wide. "…Oh, come on, DAMMMITT!"
His shout echoed across the empty court. The ball bounced off the rim and rolled away from him, slowly making its way towards the old wooden bench by the fence.
"Whatever," Sudo spat, wiping sweat from his forehead with his jersey. "Just one more. I'm not leaving until I sink one."
He let out a frustrated breath and went after it.
But the ball hadn't rolled into the grass. It had stopped right against a pair of plain black school shoes.
Sudo's gaze travelled upward, past the messy uniform and the slouched shoulders, until it landed on a pair of eyes that looked like they belonged to a dead fish.
"Yo"
Sudo stopped the moment his eyes caught him, and a sudden surge of discomfort arose in his chest, something that had nothing to do with the shot he'd just missed a moment ago. 'Haaah—wait, what the hell?! When did he get here? I didn't hear or see anyone coming. How long's he been sitting there, dammit?!'
"That sure was a close one, huh?" He said casually.
He was sitting on the bench, slouched forward with his elbows resting on his knees, looking more tired than anything else. From the way his eyes followed the ball, it seemed he'd been watching quietly for a while, without saying a word.
When it finally rolled close, he leaned down and picked it up with the same absentminded expression he always wore.
"You…" Sudo muttered while glaring at him. "Hikitani? What the hell are you doing here?"
Hikigaya didn't look bothered as he turned the ball over once in his hands, then glanced back at the court.
"Practicing all by yourself now?" Hikigaya asked, ignoring the hostility. "Doesn't look like your clubmates or anyone you run drills with are around."
Sudo's jaw tightened. The question dug straight into the wound he was trying to ignore.
Right after the selection match, things had gone to hell. Someone had said something he couldn't let slide. Then another voice joined in. Jokes. Complaints. Half-serious trash about how he'd screwed it up at the worst possible moment.
He had snapped before he even realized it. So yeah. No one wanted to deal with him anymore.
"I told you to get lost earlier, didn't I?" Sudo snarled, taking a step forward. "Why are you here? You deaf or something?"
"It's a public space," Hikigaya replied flatly, resting his back against the bench. "I can be here if I want. Do you have a problem with that?"
"Hah? You—"
"Besides," he interrupted," looks like you're just like me now. A loner, huh?"
Sudo flinched. The word loner hit him harder than he expected. He opened his mouth to shout, to tell this creep to shut his mouth, but the words died in his throat. Because it was true. Right now, standing in this dump of a court, he was exactly that.
He clicked his tongue.
"Tch. Whatever," he said. "Just don't talk to me. Stay on that bench and rot for all I care."
Then he snatched the ball back from Hikigaya's hands a little harder than necessary and headed back toward the key.
He went back to the free-throw line. 'Ignore him. Just make the shot.'
He shot.
CLANK
The ball hit the rim and bounced left.
Sudo started to move to retrieve it, but before he could take two steps, Hikigaya was already there. He picked up the ball and tossed it back to Sudo's chest with a lazy underhand throw.
Sudo caught it, glaring. "I don't need that." He didn't ask for help. He didn't want help.
Then he shot again.
It Missed.
The ball bounced toward the sideline. Before he could even react, it was already coming back. He caught it against his chest, teeth clicking together.
"Tch…"
He shot again.
CLANG
Same result. Hikigaya was there again, picking it up and tossing it back without a word.
Sudo's irritation grew heavier. It wasn't bursting out yet, just a constant presence at the edge of his vision, like being watched during a test. He took a deep breath, forcing himself to block out the guy on the bench. He focused entirely on the hoop.
He bent his knees and released.
SWISH
The net snapped cleanly. He didn't wait. He grabbed the ball, dribbled once, and shot again.
SWISH
Another one.
He felt the old sensation coming back, that flow where his body moved on its own. He stepped back for a third shot, his confidence rising just a fraction.
Two in a row.
'I can do this,' he thought, the heat in his chest cooling into focus but stinging on his knuckles. 'I just need to maintain this form.'
He lined up for the fourth shot, adjusting his grip slightly to compensate for the bandage. He released but just as the ball left his fingertips, his concentration slipped for a split second.
CLANK
The ball hit the back iron hard and bounced off to the right.
Sudo clicked his tongue, his rhythm broken. He started to jog over to get it, but before he could even take two steps, a blur of a school uniform cut across his path.
Hikigaya had already scooped up the ball.
He didn't even look at the hoop. He just picked up the ball and tossed it back to Sudo's chest with an easy underhand throw, acting like nothing about those last few shots had changed.
Sudo caught it, his eyebrows twitching violently.
"Oi!" Sudo finally barked, clutching the ball tightly instead of shooting. "I didn't ask for a ball boy. I told you to stay on the bench, didn't I? Stop bothering me!"
"Huh," Hikigaya said. "You miss, and the first thing you look at isn't the rim."
"Yeah, because you're distracting me," he growled. "How the hell am I supposed to focus like this?"
"Maybe," Hikigaya replied. "But if it's really just a distraction, then it shouldn't matter what I'm doing, right?"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Sudo demanded.
"Just saying," he said, "Is a guy like me really more important than that basket in front of you right now? I'm just waiting to see one amazing shot. That's why I'm still here. Or are you saying you can't even manage that much while someone's watching?"
Sudo's face flushed a deep, angry red. From that moment, the bait was set, and he took it hook, line, and sinker. "You—! Fine! Watch all you want, you creep. I'll sink one right in your face!"
Sudo turned away from Hikigaya and gripped the ball tightly until his knuckles started turning white. 'Who the heck does he think he is, huh? I'll shut him up right now.'
Instead of going for a layup or an easy jumper. Instead, he walked straight out to the three-point line, well beyond the arc. It was a tough spot, even on a good day.
He wanted to shut this guy up. His presence didn't mean a damn thing.
So, he planted his feet, ignored the throb in his wrist, and launched the ball with a high, aggressive arc.
SWISH
Sudo let out a sharp breath, a smirk twisting across his face as the familiar rush of adrenaline surged through him.
"Hah! How's that?" Sudo sneered, turning his head slightly to glare at Hikigaya. "Eyes open now? Or did you miss that too?"
Hikigaya didn't applaud or look particularly impressed. He sat there with his chin resting in his palm, staring blankly. "Not bad…not bad at all."
That lacklustre reaction only fuelled the fire in Sudo's gut. 'Not bad? That was perfect, you bastard.'
"…Still," Hikigaya added flatly, "feels like you're holding back. Could be better."
Sudo's foot slammed against the court as he turned away, his scowl deepening.
"Holding back? Like hell I am. What would you know?"
He jogged over to retrieve the ball himself this time. For some reason, Hikigaya only tossed it back when he missed never when the shot went in. As he picked it up, a bit of his confidence started to return after the few recent makes. The pain in his hand began to fade into the background.
He started dribbling the ball hard against the court. He didn't want to just shoot again. He wanted to erase the memory that was haunting him. He wanted to bury the mistake from the selection match right here and now.
After a short breath, he moved immediately.
He rushed toward the paint in a quick, aggressive motion, just like he had in the game. His feet left the ground as he twisted his body to shield the ball, bringing it up for a soft finger roll the exact move he had failed before.
But the moment he tried to release it, his fingers screamed. Suddenly a sharp pain shot through his knuckles, causing his grip to falter for a split second— 'You're a simple nobody…' 'I am a trash born from trash.'
The ball slipped.
CLUNK.
It hit the bottom of the rim. It didn't even bounce on the rim and dropped straight down, bouncing off his foot before rolling away.
Sudo landed awkwardly, stumbling to regain his balance. The confidence from thirty seconds ago vanished instantly. The only sound was his own ragged breathing and the ball rolling across the court.
It was the exact same mistake. The exact same failure. 'Again…? Then why did the last one go in?'
Sudo stared at the ball as it rolled lazily across the cracked concrete, bouncing once, twice, before slowing to a stop near the sideline.
His vision blurred with a hot, stinging frustration. He stared at his trembling hand, the bandages mocking him. He felt like a fraud, a "trash" player who could only make shots when it didn't matter, but crumbled the moment it became real.
Then, just like every time before, Hikigaya walked over and picked up the ball again. He didn't offer a critique or a word of comfort. He just held the ball for a second and then tossed it back to him.
Sudo caught it, but the feel of the leather against his palms made his blood boil. This wasn't help. To him, it felt like Hikigaya was shoving his failure back into his hands over and over, forcing him to face it until he couldn't breathe.
"Stop…" he muttered, barely audible.
Hikigaya didn't respond. He just stood there, watching.
That was it.
"STOP IT!" Sudo shouted.
He threw the ball towards him without thinking, his arm snapping forward on instinct alone, every bit of frustration poured into the throw.
"STOP PICKING IT UP! STOP THROWING IT BACK LIKE THAT!" he shouted, voice cracking. "YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?! HAAAH!"
The ball flew straight at Hikigaya. He saw it coming.
Even though the ball was flying straight for his center mass, he made no effort to step aside. He simply planted his feet lowered his center of gravity, and braced his chest.
WHAM. The hit was heavy.
Hikigaya was knocked back a full step, his body recoiling as the air was forced out of his lungs in a sharp wheeze but he didn't drop the ball. He pulled his arms in around it, holding it tight against his ribs as he regained his balance.
Hikigaya took a shaky breath as he straightened up, rubbing his spot where the ball had hit with one hand while keeping hold of the ball with the other.
"That…" he wheezed as he gave a faint smirk, looking almost impressed. "…is some insane throwing power. Especially for a guy with a 'shitty' injured hand."
He looked Sudo in the eye.
"But you know…" Hikigaya said, "That throw at me just now… It was exactly the same as the one from lunch break. Way too similar."
He tapped the ball lightly. "You should've tried to throw it in a different way. Doing the same thing over and over… it might not work every time, you know?"
Sudo's expression twisted, but Hikigaya didn't stop. "Then again… wait. Looking at you now, maybe it's understandable."
He tilted his head, the gesture faintly mocking. "Maybe you just couldn't throw it any other way."
Sudo's teeth clenched as he stepped forward in a threatening manner, his fists balling up at his sides. "You looking for a fight, Hikitani? Is that it? Because I'll give you one."
"Not really," Hikigaya said, "How about I try to throw one instead?"
Before Sudo could react, Hikigaya was already moving. He walked past Sudo and stepped onto the court.
That sudden move almost made his anger paused, instantly replacing it with a flicker of confusion. 'What is he even doing?'
Hikigaya stopped at the same spot where Sudo had just shot and missed. He took a breath and started to dribble the ball, trying to mimic Sudo's rhythm in a rough, aggressive manner.
Sudo watched him intently. Despite his anger, he couldn't look away. Was this guy actually going to show him something? Did he actually have skills?
Hikigaya held the ball in both hands, crouched slightly as if preparing to shoot but then he dropped it suddenly. As it bounced back up to knee height, Hikigaya swung his leg back and delivered a massive, soccer-style kick.
The basketball soared into the air, spinning violently… and completely missed the backboard, let alone the hoop. It sailed over the fence and rattled loudly against the metal mesh before falling into the dirt outside the court.
"Tch. Sucks," Hikigaya muttered as he watched where the ball had gone. "The wind is terrible today, huh."
Sudo looked at the ball in the dirt, then at the basket, then back at Hikigaya. His face went from confusion, to anger, and then to pure, exhausted disbelief at what he had just witnessed.
"Y-You…" Sudo stammered, pointing his finger. "What the hell is wrong with you?! That's a basketball! You kicked it! With your foot! Are you out of your freaking mind?!"
Hikigaya didn't look at Sudo. He kept his gaze fixed at the spot in the weeds where the ball had vanished, his hands shoved back into his pockets.
"Why am I out of my mind, Sudo?" Hikigaya asked, "Because I didn't use my hands? Or because I didn't care if it went in?"
"Because it's basketball, you dumbass!" Sudo roared, his face twisting in disbelief. He looked ready to storm over and shake Hikigaya by the collar. "You don't kick it! It's basic rules! It's—it's an insult to the court! If you don't respect the game, then get the hell out!"
Hikigaya finally turned to face him, "Guess we learn something new every day. Didn't know it was such a big deal, huh."
"Not a big deal Don't give me that crap!" Sudo yelled, stepping closer, his shadow looming over Hikigaya. "It's common sense! Anyone with half a brain knows you treat the equipment with respect! You don't just treat it like trash just because you feel like it!"
"…Trash, huh," he murmured.
That single word made Sudo flinch.
"Yeah!" Sudo snapped. "That's what you did! You kicked it like it didn't matter! Like none of this mattered!"
Hikigaya raised his hand slightly, the gesture lazily defensive. "Okay, okay. My bad. I'm sorry, I'll go bring it back."
He turned toward the gate to go retrieve the ball from the weeds, his shoulders slumping. "Since I'm clearly a disgrace to the court, I'll just get your ball and get out of your hair."
"Forget it!" Sudo barked, cutting him off. He stepped past Hikigaya, heading toward the exit himself. "I don't need you to do anything. I'm leaving. I'll get it myself."
"Not gonna try some more shots?"
"There's no point," Sudo spat without looking back. His hand was throbbing, his pride was in tatters and he couldn't stop thinking about how badly he'd screwed up in the selection match. Even now he is missing it all those important shots.
"I'm done. I don't wanna—no I…I'll do it maybe some other time."
"Oh. Is that so?" Hikigaya murmured and said nothing more.
Sudo reached the gate and grabbed the cold metal mesh. One push would take him away from the court, from the ball, maybe from everything for now as his body felt heavy.
He was halfway through the frame when he heard Hikigaya's voice again, this time serious. "Are you sure about leaving right now, Sudo?"
Sudo's hand tightened on the gate. He didn't turn around. "I said I'm done. What part of that is too hard for your Psycho brain to understand?"
"Nothing. It's perfectly clear," Hikigaya replied. "I'm just saying... if you walk out that gate right now, you're going to lose something very important. Something you won't be able to get back."
That did it. Sudo turned around, his face a mask of confusion and renewed irritation.
"Tch… What the hell are you talking about now?!" Sudo shouted across the court. "Lose what? My friends? My spot on the team? I've already lost those, you idiot! What else is there?"
"You should already know what it is, shouldn't you?" Hikigaya asked.
Sudo's fingers tightened around the wire fence. The metal creaked softly under the pressure. His eyes widened, and for a split second, a flash of genuine panic flickered in them. It wasn't just anger anymore it was the look of a man realizing his own body was betraying him.
Hikigaya let out a long, weary sigh. He leaned back against the rusted fence, looking up at the darkening sky.
"That shot you missed in the match… it's eating you alive, isn't it?"
"Almost as if you're afraid of it. And if you leave right now without scoring, without resolving this feeling… you'll never be able to do it again. Not because you lack the skill, but because you'll become scared of the ball itself."
"I'M NOT SCARED OF ANYTHING!" Sudo barked.
"Before you know it, that fear will start to spread," Hikigaya continued as he stepped a little closer. "It'll bleed into your entire playstyle. It'll get harder and harder with time, and then there will come a day when you won't even want to lift the ball anymore.
If you don't make peace with that failure right here, you're going to lose the only thing you actually respect. I can tell by the way you blew up at me for kicking it. You care about this. So, are you really okay with letting it die like this?"
"Stop spouting all that crap! It's because I'm injured! That's all! Once this stupid hand heals, everything will be fine, again!"
Sudo's face twisted with rage, and he stepped toward Hikigaya, his massive frame closing in, ready to take things into the physical realm. But he stopped dead as his eyes met Hikigaya's, and suddenly, a flash of that alley surfaced in his mind the image of Hikigaya's bone-chilling, psychotic laughter ringing in his ears.
Sudo's momentum died instantly. He stood frozen for a moment before stomping his foot violently against the concrete.
"SHUT UP! Just shut the hell up!" Sudo's voice cracked. "Isn't this all happening because of you?! You're the one who did this to me in the first place! It's your fault that I'm like this, and I…"
He trailed off, the words dying in a throat tight with frustration.
"Are you angry right now, Sudo?" Hikigaya asked quietly.
"I'm beyond angry! I'm sick of all this shit!"
"Hmm, I see. So, you're angry. Really angry." Hikigaya stepped closer, his shadow stretching toward Sudo like a challenge. "But who exactly are you angry with? Me? Yamauchi and Ike for turning their backs on you? The selection match? Or your clubmates? Who is it that angers you so much, Sudo?"
His eyes narrowed. "…Who?"
Sudo opened his mouth. "…It's—"
The word stuck. His jaw tightened and eyes darting away.
"It's you—! No, it's Yamauchi! And Ike! Those bastards—!" His voice rose, tangled and uneven. "And that…that damn match, and the club, and—!"
His hands clenched into fists so tight his knuckles turned white. He was rambling now, the words coming out in a confusing mess. He looked like a cornered animal trying to bite at every shadow simultaneously.
"…It doesn't matter! Why the hell do I have to answer you anyway?! Who the fuck do you think you are? Haaah!"
Hikigaya stood still for a second. Then he tilted his head slightly.
"…Who am I?" he repeated. "He…he…heh!"
"That's a very good question." He let out another dry laugh as he continued.
"Who am I?" he repeated.
"Well, I'm nobody. Just some loner guy. A background character. An absolute freak. A complete loser and a fucking nobody… that's who I am."
Sudo felt a cold shiver run down his spine. The way Hikigaya spoke about himself was so clinical, so demeaning that for some reason it felt disturbing to hear it.
"But even though I'm a 'nobody' to the world," Hikigaya continued "to you, right now... I'm everything."
"W… what? Everything?"
"Yes, you heard me right, Sudo. Right now, at this moment, to you I'm everything. I'm the one person standing in front of you. I represent your problems, your fears, your failures. I'm the shadow you're starting to fear, the same way you're starting to fear that ball."
Hikigaya's dead fish eyes snapped wide, the dullness replaced by a piercing intensity.
"SO WHO IS IT THAT YOU'RE REALLY ANGRY WITH?!"
Sudo took a frantic step back. The anger in his veins was curdling into panic after hearing Hikigaya's shout so suddenly. The physical space between them was narrowing, not because Hikigaya was moving fast, but because Sudo was losing the ground beneath his feet.
"It's you, Dammit!" Sudo screamed, "It's you! I'm angry at you!"
"Why?" he asked calmly. That calmness made it worse.
Sudo's fists trembled. "Why…?" His voice shook. "After everything you did, you're asking me why? After everything you did in the alley! After the pool! You think you can just stand there and—!"
"I see. That's understandable," Hikigaya interrupted, "You hate me for the alley and the pool. Fine. But why were you angry at me before that? I never did a thing to you. I even made it clear in the corridor that I don't look down on you, or anyone. Everything I did in that alley was a response to what the three of you tried to do to me. So, I can't be the whole reason you're like this. Not even close."
He stepped forward again. "Then who, Sudo? Is it Ike and Yamauchi, then? After all, they too betrayed you the moment it was convenient."
"Yes!" Sudo spat. "Them! Those bastards! They turned on me the second things went bad,"
Hikigaya didn't react right away.
"…Is that so," he said after a pause. "Then tell me something."
Sudo glared at him. "What?"
"You were already angry before they ditched you, weren't you?"
Sudo's brows furrowed. "What the hell are you—"
"From the very first day," Hikigaya went on calmly. "Before the match. Before the alley. Before the pool. Even before you could call them your friends. You were already snapping at people. Already looking for a fight. Already acting like the whole world was looking down on you."
Hikigaya took another step, "So it can't be them either. Not fully. They just gave you a place to dump the anger you already had. So, who is it, Sudo? Who's the person you've been fighting since the day you got here?"
Sudo looked terrified. He felt like he was being stripped naked, his every excuse burned away by the boy with the dead-fish eyes. He wanted to run, to escape the crushing weight of the truth Hikigaya was dragging into the light.
"Was it the selection match?" Hikigaya pressed, "Your clubmates? The school? None of those things existed when this anger started."
Hikigaya loomed over him, his presence suffocating.
"So, I'll ask you one last time," he shouted again. "WHO ARE YOU REALLY ANGRY WITH, SUDO?"
"Gah—!" Sudo's legs gave out. He tripped over his own feet and fell hard on his butt.
Hikigaya stood over him, his gaze holding no contempt and no pity, only a quiet understanding.
"I… I don't know," Sudo muttered, "I don't fucking know anymore!"
He let out a jagged, frustrated laugh that sounded more like a choke.
"It was supposed to be different here. It hasn't even been two weeks. I was gonna be the ace. I was gonna show everyone." He gripped his bandaged hand, his frame trembling. "Then that alley… you… why did you look like that? Why couldn't I move? You're just some creep, but when you hit me, I—I thought I was gonna die."
He gripped his hair with his good hand, pulling at the roots as his thoughts began to spiral into a messy, suffocating loop he couldn't break out of.
"And Ike… and Yamauchi… we were supposed to be friends! But the second you held that belt… the second you looked at us like we were insects… they threw me away. 'It's Sudo's fault!' 'He's just a violent gorilla!' They were in it too. So why…why was it only me? Why not those bastards? I fought more than anyone."
He looked up at the hoop, his vision swimming with heat and salt.
"I tried to forget it. I tried to focus on the ball. The selection match… it was my chance to prove I wasn't just the guy lying in the dirt. But my hand wouldn't stop shaking. I missed… a finger roll. A stupid, easy finger roll. Now I'm just some fucking bench warmer. I couldn't even make the team."
He punched the concrete weakly with his other hand, hissing as pain flared, but he didn't stop. "And now I'm here. Missing shots in the dark. And then there was you. You kicked the ball, Hikitani. You treated it like garbage. And I got mad… I got so mad because…"
"I'm angry…" he whispered, the words finally cracking. "I'm so goddamn angry. But it's not at Ike. It's not at that match. It's not even at you, Hikitani."
His shoulders slumped, the fight draining out of him.
"I'm angry because… because I'm always just a trash born from trash. I'm angry at myself the most. And I hate it… so much that sometimes I can't even breathe."
Hikigaya didn't move. He didn't offer a hand, and he didn't offer words of comfort. He knew better than anyone that when you're at the bottom of a hole you dug yourself, a "cheer up" feels like a slap in the face.
After a few moment, Hikigaya finally spoke. "…Yeah," he said quietly. "That sounds about right."
"W-What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
"It means," Hikigaya replied, "you finally said it out loud."
He took a step back, giving Sudo space instead of closing in. Just enough distance for the words to land without crushing him outright.
Sudo's lips trembled. He clenched his teeth. "Don't talk like you get it, what I feel."
"I don't," Hikigaya said flatly. "No matter how similar it looks, no one understands your problem better than you do."
Sudo froze.
"That includes me. Includes your friends or teammates or anyone who ever judged you from the outside," Hikigaya went on. "People can point at it. Guess at it. Label it. But the weight of it? The way it sits in your chest and refuses to move?"
He shook his head once. "That's yours and yours alone."
Sudo's breathing wavered. His fists loosened slightly, like he didn't even have the strength to keep them clenched anymore.
"But," Hikigaya added, "that also means no one else put it there for you. And no one else can take it away."
Sudo swallowed hard.
"So don't wait for someone to understand you perfectly," Hikigaya said. "And don't keep pretending someone else is responsible for what you're feeling either. Because if you do… you'll stay stuck right here, forever."
Sudo's mouth opened, then closed again. The words didn't come right away.
"…So, what," he muttered hoarsely. "You're saying this is all on me now?"
Hikigaya didn't answer immediately.
"I'm saying," he replied after a beat, "that if it is on you, then it's also something you can actually deal with."
Sudo let out a weak, bitter laugh. "Deal with it how?" His gaze dropped to his bandaged hand. "You saw it. I can't even make a damn layup anymore. Every time I go up, my head just—" He clenched his teeth. "It freezes."
"That's because you're still trying to prove something," Hikigaya said.
Sudo snapped his head up. "Prove what?"
"That you're not trash. That you didn't deserve what happened. That you're not what everyone sees," Hikigaya replied, "Every shot you take feels like a test, and every miss hits like a verdict."
Sudo's shoulders hitched. "…Yeah," he said under his breath. "So, what if it is?"
"Then stop taking this test."
Sudo blinked. "…What?"
"For now," Hikigaya said. "Stop shooting to prove anything. Stop playing to erase the past. Stop treating this ball like it owes you some kind of twisted redemption."
He glanced toward the hoop. "That's why you're afraid of it. Not because you'll miss but because if you miss, it confirms everything you're already telling yourself."
Sudo stared at the ground. The court looked cracked and worn beneath him, just like everything else felt right now.
"…Then what am I supposed to do," he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Hikigaya exhaled slowly. "Do the boring thing."
"The boring… thing?"
"Yeah," he said. "Pick up the ball. Take one shot. Not to prove anything. Not to impress anyone. Not even to make it."
He met Sudo's eyes. "Just to take it."
Silence settled between them.
"…And if I miss again?"
Hikigaya shrugged. "Then you miss."
"…And if I keep missing?"
"Then you keep shooting," Hikigaya replied.
"Until when?" Sudo asked, his voice rough. "Until it works, finally?"
Hikigaya shook his head once. "No, until you're satisfied."
Sudo frowned. "…Satisfied with what?"
"With the fact that you tried," Hikigaya said. "Even if none of it meant anything. Even if today doesn't change a damn thing."
He glanced toward the hoop, then back at Sudo. "As long as you can still tell yourself, 'I'll come back tomorrow too and keep picking it up from here,' that should be enough. At least for now."
Sudo stayed on the ground for a few moments, The words "boring thing" and "enough" circled in his mind.
Enough…? It sounded odd way too odd for a guy like him. And yet for some reason, it didn't feel like running away for now.
If he didn't have to prove anything this time…
if he didn't have to win back anything yet…
Then maybe, just maybe, he could stand up again at this moment.
His fingers twitched against the concrete, trembling with hesitation, but they moved anyway.
That alone felt… different.
"I get it," Sudo muttered, "I get what you're saying. But... why? Why the hell are you doing all this? Why are you even here?"
He gestured vaguely at the empty court. "Even now… why does any of this matter to you?"
For a moment, Hikigaya didn't answer. Then he nodded once.
"You're right. It doesn't matter to me. Not personally. Whether you sink a basket or sink into some gutter doesn't change my life one bit."
Sudo frowned. "Then what—"
He shoved his hands deeper into his pockets. "I'm here because I need you to do something very important."
That gave Sudo pause.
"…Huh?" he said. "What? You… you want me to do something?"
"Yeah."
Sudo's brow furrowed in genuine confusion. "Why me? If it's as important as you say, what the hell could I possibly do for you?
Hikigaya answered immediately. "Why you? Because you're a trash."
Sudo flinched, his shoulders tensing on instinct. "What did you just—"
"And so am I," Hikigaya added calmly.
That stopped him.
Hikigaya looked down at him, expression unchanged. "That's why. This is something only trash like us can do."
"…What kind of thing?" he asked slowly.
"Something very important," Hikigaya replied. "Something that will make a difference."
Sudo's confusion deepened. "You're saying only I can do it?"
"Yes."
"…What is it then?"
Hikigaya shrugged lightly. "I'll tell you later."
"Later?" Sudo snapped. "You dragged me through all this and you're not even gonna—"
"It's not the right time yet," Hikigaya said. "You wouldn't get it."
Sudo ground his teeth, annoyed, but something in Hikigaya's tone told him pushing now was pointless.
Hikigaya glanced toward the ball lying beyond the fence, then back at him.
"So," he said, "are you gonna pick it up or not?"
"…What?"
"This is your court," Hikigaya continued. "Your ball. If you walk away, that's fine. I won't stop you, and I won't ask you for anything."
He shrugged lightly. "But if you pick it up… then I'll tell you. Eventually."
"…Tch," Sudo muttered.
-----0-----
Time passed.
Minutes blurred into hours.
The sky darkened, the court sinking into shadows broken only by the dim glow of distant campus lights.
Sudo's jersey was soaked with sweat, clinging uncomfortably to his back. His breathing was heavy and uneven. His bandaged hand throbbed with a rhythmic, pulsing heat, but he didn't stop. He did the "boring thing." He shot, he missed, and he did it again.
His shots were starting to settle. His feet found a rhythm. He was still missing plenty, fatigue and the injury tugging at his accuracy, but the freeze was gone. And when he did miss, it didn't feel like the end of the world.
Hikigaya didn't say a single word the entire time. He just kept passing the ball back to him every time it missed the hoop.
Little by little, the noise in Sudo's head dulled. It didn't disappear, it was simply drowned out by the steady thump—thump of the ball, the tension inside him was easing slowly without him noticing it.
He took a sharp breath, dribbled twice—hard—and drove. He leaped, twisted his body, and released a soft finger roll the exact shot that had ruined his team selection, the one he'd missed again and again.
SWISH.
He froze, staring at the netting as it swayed. Then he chased after the ball and went for the same shot again.
SWISH.
And again.
SWISH.
Five times in a row. Even with the throb in his hand, the ball felt like an extension of his arm. The fear was dead.
"HAH! Did you see that?!" Sudo shouted as he spun around towards the bench as a triumphant grin appeared on his face. "Oi! Hikitani! How was that, huh?! I nailed it! Even with this shitty hand, I—!"
He stopped.
The court was empty. The bench where Hikigaya had been sitting was completely empty.
"H-Hikitani?"
He looked around, bewildered. The guy had been there only minutes ago, passing him the ball. He hadn't heard any footsteps or seen a door move. He was just… gone.
"Oi! You creepy bastard!" Sudo shouted into the night, "You're gonna just leave after all that?! Damn it!"
He kicked the ground in exasperation, cursing Hikigaya's name under his breath.
But as he gathered his things and headed toward the gate, feeling a strange sense of satisfaction, he hadn't felt since entering this school.
As he reached the gate, he slowed when he spotted something in the soft soil just outside the court's edge.
He looked down at the ground.
Someone had used a stick, or maybe just their fingers, to scrawl something in the dirt in large, rough characters that anyone could read.
WELL DONE. GREAT SHOTS.
Sudo stared at the words for a long moment. "…The hell," he muttered.
His first reaction was irritation. Of course it had to be something like this. No explanation. No face-to-face. Just a message left behind like some kind of joke.
"Damn that guy, what's his deal?" he said, but the bite wasn't really there anymore, a small smile forming on his lips.
Then he noticed a crumpled piece of notebook paper, pinned down by a small stone at the center of the message. He picked it up and smoothed it out under the dim light of the streetlamp.
As he read the content of that paper, his eyes widened. He read it once, then twice, his brow furrowing in confusion.
"Is that all?" Sudo whispered to the empty street. "That's the 'important' thing? That… that doesn't even sound like much. I mean that's something anyone can do it. Then why only ask me."
'Because you're trash.'
'This is something only trash like us can do.'
'Something very important,'
'Something that will make a difference.'
It didn't sound that hard. Weird, to some extent, but definitely not something he wasn't used to doing before.
For some reason, he just felt like doing it. That was all.
If it really was something this, simple something this small then maybe it was worth trying.
And if it did make even a small difference maybe he didn't have to stay trash forever.
"…Yeah," he muttered quietly. "Maybe, I can do that much."
-----0-----
From the shadows beyond the fence, Hikigaya watched Sudo's broad figure disappear down the dimly lit path.
He let out a slow breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.
"…Good," he muttered.
Nothing had gone off the rails. No punches thrown. No shouting match that spiralled out of control. Sudo hadn't bolted in the middle, and he hadn't snapped either. If nothing else, today had ended normally.
"Good grief. Dealing with hot-blooded types is a massive drain on my lifespan."
He didn't allow himself to think everything was "fixed." People like Sudo didn't just untangle years of anger and self-loathing in one night. Hell, Hikigaya knew better than anyone how long those things remain you. People never change that easily.
'Whether he actually does what I asked or not…' Hikigaya thought, eyes drifting back to the empty court. 'Either way, I've done what I can for now… without going too extreme.'
If Sudo followed through, great. That would make things easier later.
If he didn't… well.
As long as he didn't go around causing more trouble, picking fights, dragging Ike and Yamauchi back into another mess, that was good enough for now.
Hikigaya pushed himself off the tree and slipped his hands into his pockets, pulling out his phone. The screen lit up his tired eyes as he scrolled through his contacts.
Hirata Yousuke
The number was still there. He'd gotten it a few days ago, almost as an afterthought. Back then, he had told Hirata he wanted to talk about something important later.
'Guess that later is now,' he thought.
He pressed call. It rang twice.
"Ah—hello?" Hirata's familiar, calm voice came through the speaker. "Is this Hikigaya-kun?"
"Yeah. It's me," Hikigaya replied. "Sorry for calling this late."
"Oh, no, it's fine," Hirata said quickly. "You mentioned this morning that you wanted to talk about something, right? Is now, okay?"
"Yeah, now's good."
There was a brief pause on the line, just long enough for Hirata to sense the shift in tone.
"…Is it something serious?" Hirata asked gently.
"Pretty much," Hikigaya answered. "It's about our class."
Another pause. This one was heavier.
"I see," Hirata said. "Then… yeah. I'm listening."
Hikigaya closed his eyes for a second.
"…Alright," he said quietly. "Then I'll get straight to the point."
And with that, he began.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Author's Note:
So, this chapter is finally done, and I hope it turned out alright.
It took me a bit longer to update this time. I was a little busy, but if I'm being honest, I procrastinated a bit too. Still, I managed to finish it in the end, and I'm relieved to finally share it.
This ended up being a long chapter because I wanted it to feel as raw and grounded as possible. My goal was to make Sudo's development feel believable not some wishy-washy, sudden change where he goes from a violent guy with a "heart of gold" to suddenly being fine just because he had a realization. I wanted to portray him as an actual teenager, shaped by his past and his tendencies, and show all the necessary steps that lead toward growth.
Even now, he hasn't truly changed or become "better." That's something that takes time. I hope his inner struggle came across clearly, because it's something I think many of us can relate to in different ways.
At the same time, Hikigaya's advice isn't meant to be taken as a "correct" solution. Even if it sounds grounded, it's still an immature approach shaped by his own unhealthy coping mechanisms. It works for now, but it isn't something that would hold up in the long run. I tried to keep it clearly biased from his perspective.
I'll try to get the next chapter out sooner. It won't be as long as this one and will cover the day before the end of the month, leading into the reveal of the small exam. At the beginning of next month, I'll do my best to update more consistently.
As always, if anything feels off whether it's pacing, structure, characterization, or anything else please let me know. Your feedback genuinely helps me improve.
Thank you for giving this story a chance. Your comments and encouragement mean a lot to me and honestly keep me motivated to keep writing.
Lastly, a (very) late Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone!
If you feel like supporting my work, a small tip here would really mean a lot.
ko-fi.com/raijinmaru_k2
Stay tuned for more.
—Raijinmaru_K2