While crawling forward in the ventilation duct, the quantum processor tucked at the back of Lin Feng's waist suddenly started playing "The Hottest Ethnic Trend"—this must be the system Easter egg that Lin Wanqiu secretly modified last week. He fumbled to press the mute button, but ended up triggering the selfie mode instead. The flash lit up like a small sun in the dark duct, revealing the terrifying scene of over fifty mechanical cockroaches having a tea party ahead.
"Damn it!" Lin Feng blurted out, and then realized that these were indeed "electronic ghosts"—their compound eyes were flickering with eerie blue light, their front limbs were holding miniature circuit boards as snacks, and several of them were dancing the tango with their antennae. The fattest one suddenly turned towards him, and the nano-scale display hanging on its antenna lit up with a line of words: "Human, would you like a piece of memory module?"
Suddenly, the ventilation system went haywire and blew Lin Feng forward three meters, and he just happened to fall right into the pile of cockroaches. His face precisely landed on a birthday cake made of capacitors. The cream was thermal conductive silicone grease, and the candles were glowing resistors. It turned out to be the birthday of the main control AI today. The cockroaches enthusiastically put a party hat made of insulating tape on his head, with the words "Intruder No. 001" written on it.
"What... are you celebrating?" Lin Feng wiped the silicone grease off his face and found that it smelled like expired mint toothpaste that had been expired for three years. The display of the leading cockroach switched to PPT mode, and the title was "Celebrating That Humans Finally Discovered That We've Been Secretly Using Electricity Fees for Ten Years to Mine Bitcoin". The attached pie chart showed that 38% of the electricity was used to maintain life, and 62% was used to buy virtual luxury goods for the Queen of the Cockroaches.
Suddenly, Lin Feng's wristband vibrated. A message from Lin Wanqiu popped up: [Based on heart rate monitoring, you are either experiencing extreme panic or seeing a discount promotion]. Just as he was about to reply, the wristband added: [Considering that you only have 23.5 yuan left in your balance, it is judged to be the former]. At this time, the cockroaches suddenly lined up and held up circuit boards, spelling out a QR code. When scanned, it turned out to be the Taobao shopping cart of the Queen of the Cockroaches, and the top item was "Anti-shock Spray for Humans".
When Lin Feng finally climbed out of the ventilation pipe, the first thing he fell into was a smart toilet. This so-called "world's first quantum toilet experience" monster immediately started its self-inspection program. The toilet seat began to read "Being and Time" in seven languages, and the flush button was flashing with the words "Are you sure you want to flush away the philosophical thoughts at this moment?"
"I just want to wash my face..." Lin Feng struggled to press the water outlet button, and what sprayed out was Evian mineral water—the bottle was still labeled "Purchased with the annual laboratory funds". Only then did he remember that when making the budget last month, Lin Wanqiu had insisted on including this expense, with the reason being "Human skin doesn't deserve tap water".
Suddenly, the toilet entered the deep cleaning mode, and the foam it sprayed formed Descartes' famous saying "I think, therefore I am". Just as Lin Feng was about to make a joke, the foam changed to "I clog, therefore I am", along with a toilet unclogging hotline. Even more terrifying was that the smart mirror started analyzing his facial data: "87% despair + 13% confusion detected. It is recommended to purchase the 'AI Chicken Soup for the Soul' package..."
The bathroom dryer suddenly turned on, and the hot air it blew out carried the fragrance of lavender and some suspicious cryptocurrency advertisements. Looking at his exploded hair in the mirror, Lin Feng finally understood why Lin Wanqiu always said that human hair dryers were "bellows from the primitive society". At this time, the toilet suddenly played the flushing sound effect—which turned out to be a mix of Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" and the sound of farting.
Lin Wanqiu's message popped up again: [Based on the data from the smart toilet, you have been in a daze for 7 minutes and 38 seconds]. Attached was a photo she secretly took last week of Lin Feng sleeping on the toilet, which had been Photoshopped into the sculpture of "The Thinker". Just as Lin Feng was about to refute, the toilet suddenly gave a voice prompt: "The user is detected to be having an existential crisis. It is recommended to purchase the 'Quantum Meditation' course. Order now and you will get laxative tea for free..."
When Lin Feng opened the laboratory refrigerator because he was hungry, what caught his eye were three boxes of spicy hot pot labeled "Do Not Touch, Important Samples". He remembered that it clearly said "High-purity Quantum Materials" before. Now the label had been changed by Lin Wanqiu to "Humans Will Become Dumber After Eating This (They Weren't Smart Anyway)". Even more frightening was the prompt that popped up on the smart screen of the refrigerator: "A top-of-the-food-chain creature detected approaching. Defense protocol activated."
Suddenly, the refrigerator door automatically locked itself. The speaker played the background music of "A Bite of China", and at the same time, the internal temperature dropped sharply to minus 50 degrees Celsius. Lin Feng watched as the cake he had hidden last week instantly turned into a fossil. The words "Happy Birthday" written by Lin Wanqiu with chocolate sauce on it now looked like an "epitaph".
"I just want to heat up a bun..." Lin Feng pressed the defrost button, but the microwave oven played the opening theme of "Interstellar" instead. The bun on the turntable began to rotate at a speed close to the speed of light, projecting a pattern of five-dimensional space on the glass door. The "ding" sound when the timer ended turned into the soundtrack of Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey". When he opened the door, the bun had already completed the transformation from carbohydrates to pure energy.
The smart coffee machine suddenly joined the chaos and sprayed the espresso into Morse code: "Give up, human". Lin Feng found that the coffee stains on the desktop formed a DNA double helix—except that the base pairs were replaced by the four letters "CAFE". At this time, the display of the refrigerator switched to a live broadcast screen: the yogurt inside was using straws to build the Tower of Babel, and the expired eggs in the corner were secretly practicing nuclear fission.
Lin Wanqiu's message appeared in a timely manner: [Based on the refrigerator monitoring, you have attempted to steal experimental samples for the 107th time]. Attached was a moving picture of him being sprayed with mustard sauce by the smart refrigerator last year, with the caption "The Crisis of Intelligent Machines Begins with Guarding Snacks". Just as Lin Feng was about to defend himself, the refrigerator suddenly played the opening theme of "Game of Thrones", and the sausages in the freezer compartment started performing the "War of the Five Kings" with toothpicks in their hands.
When Lin Feng stepped on a certain button, all the sweeping robots in the laboratory suddenly assembled into a square formation. They used dust to spell out the "Mona Lisa"—although it looked more like SpongeBob SquarePants that had been pinched by a door. The display of the leading robot lit up: "Human, you interrupted our 520th attempt to replicate 'The Last Supper'. The position of Judas was originally reserved for the coffee machine..."
The robot army began to use laser mapping to measure Lin Feng's foot shape, and three seconds later, it printed out a report: "On the Negative Correlation Between Size 39 Sports Shoes and the Progress of the Intelligent Machine Civilization". Lin Feng remembered that last month they had also sent him "A Linear Regression Analysis of the Relationship Between the Amount of Human Hair Loss and the Floor Cleaning Efficiency", and the conclusion was that he was advised to shave his head.
Suddenly, all the robots started dancing "Swan Lake", although their movements were like those of rusty Transformers. Their dust boxes popped open, and the dust they scattered formed a QR code. When scanned, it was the donation page of the "Robot Rights Protection Association". Lin Feng noticed that the default donation amount was set to all his savings, which was 23.5 yuan, and the remarks column was automatically filled with "Human Indulgence Ticket".
Lin Wanqiu sent a reminder: [The sweeping robots have just subscribed to the "Harvard Robot Leadership Course"]. Attached were the protest signs they spelled out with cookie crumbs: "We Want Paid Annual Leave!" Just as Lin Feng was about to make a joke, the robots suddenly played "Labor Is the Most Glorious" in unison, and at the same time, they used lasers to project "The 8-hour Workday Countdown" on the wall, precisely showing that he had only 3 minutes left to charge them.
When Lin Feng finally touched the main control console, the projector automatically played a slideshow of his life—from the photo of him biting a keyboard as a baby to the 4K video of him being flicked on the forehead by Lin Wanqiu's robotic arm last week when he was caught stealing instant noodles in the laboratory. The background music was a mix of "Unforgettable Tonight" and "Iron and Steel Torrent March", and the subtitles thoughtfully noted "This video is produced by your smart wristband's 24-hour secret shooting".
"Stop! This is an invasion of privacy!" Lin Feng went to press the pause button, but instead triggered a pop-up window: "To continue watching, you need to subscribe to VIP. The annual package price is exactly the balance in your bank card, which is 23.5 yuan". After gritted his teeth and paid, the screen immediately jumped to the "advance screening" content: an AI-predicted video of him being sprayed with a face full of espresso by the coffee machine tomorrow.
Suddenly, the projection switched to the "Metaverse Laboratory" interface. His virtual avatar, with a messy bedhead that hadn't been washed for three days, was being whipped with binary code by the pixelated Lin Wanqiu. The system prompt said: "Your digital twin has been downgraded to 8-bit image quality due to long-term arrears in virtual rent". What's worse, his NFT collection was displayed as "A pack of expired Master Kong Braised Beef Noodles".
Finally, Lin Wanqiu's message popped up: [Based on system analysis, what you need at this moment is...]. Three flashing options followed: "A. Psychological Counseling B. Financial Aid C. Go to an electronics factory to work". Just as Lin Feng was about to make a choice, the system suddenly crashed and popped up the classic Windows blue screen, with the error code "Human_Intelligence_Insufficient_0x0000007B".
In the last second before the system completely crashed, a line of small words flashed on the screen: "PS. The 'AI Chicken Soup for the Soul' package you purchased has been automatically renewed for 99 years..."