"Dad, I would like to talk to you about something." Emerald's father was lying on the couch watching the headline news on the TV. His father lowered the volume of the TV to let him know he was listening.
"I'm thinking about going abroad," Emerald jumped straight to the topic.
"It's good, but whose gonna be there for you when you need something?" his dad replied.
Emerald kept his gaze low, offering no words in return. There was no other way around this. Knowing how much he was going to hurt his parents, he let the conversation happen.
"I'm a man now, Dad. I'm not the kid who used to cry all the time. I have changed."
His dad turned off the TV and asked him to take a seat. Emerald sat beside his father. "What is a man, Emerald?"
He didn't reply anything.
"You think it's a complicated answer, you know. You cannot change your mind once you set it up towards something."
"What do you mean?"
"A man can be answered as a human being which reflects his masculinity in his every word and act. But you fluttered. You thought it's more than that, something poetic. Even if it is, you should have said a simple one, something that others understand. That is a man." Emerald looked at his dad with pity in his eyes.
"A man is a warrior, a husband, a brother, a father, a son, and many more. Men don't tell others how hard it is, they just do it because they don't have the luxury to think or walk back over the decision they made. That is man, Emerald. And if you're saying you're one, then that means you should have done the deed way before you said this to me."
"What do you mean, all this philosophy? But, I don't get a thing. I'm being serious, Dad, about the abroad thing."
"What about the money?"
"There's this company that offered me everything till I graduate."
"The girl in the black business suit, huh?"
"Who are you talking about?"
"Someone dropped by my office yesterday, a foreign girl. Said the same thing you said. I bet you like her."
"Dad, come on, it's true that her company is doing this, but shipping me over it, that's too cringe."
"Whatever."
"So what do you think?"
Emerald's dad changed his tone and approach, got closer to Emerald, hugged him, and started to give his piece of advice. "What happened? This is not like you?" Dad asked, his voice softening.
"I think it's a good path, that's why."
"I can get it, hard to focus on life, got a girl in your life."
"No, it's not that. I just don't feel myself."
"Life, hah? You're still young, so you might not get what I am about to say, even though, just listen. Friends and family will not be there for you when you're achieving something greater. They will only be there to witness the result. If you let your feelings get you, you will never be someone. And when I said be someone, be someone who is remembered by somebody, someone who will be loved unconditionally. That's the kind of someone I was, if you want it simple."
Emerald looked at his dad with enlightenment. His dad continued, "It's better to act than talk, because if you fail, there will be thousands to put you down. Nobody can be trusted, or loved blindly. Everything has its own limits. Live with the limit, cope with it, and then conquer it. Then you will be the someone like me. That's what reality is. When it feels safe, you'll find the right person to stand beside you, just like your mother for me. At least that's what life taught me." He hugged his son, tears welling up in his eyes.
"Ain't you the guy who said you're a man?"
Emerald started to wipe his tears. His father continued. "They say men don't cry. It's a lie, son. Men do cry, but they don't let others see it. And there's this climbing the mountain tale, it's bullshit, you know. Because it always says about climbing alone to see the world, but you can't climb alone, no one could. The greatest climbers always had a partner along the long journey. The mountain is us, Emerald. If you want to see the world to its fullest, you should conquer yourself. That's why I always thought the mountain is us. The one we need to climb up to see a beautiful view is us: our past, and the inner demons trying to let you keep that ordinary life." He smiled and asked, "When did you meet Mom?"
"She was a junior who used to lecture in my remedial class. One thing turned to another, and at the end, we married."
His father got up, tapped him on his shoulder and said, "You should do what you wanna do, but all I'm asking is one thing, just be there for me when I need you the most." His father left after that. Emerald went into a lot of puzzling over it.
That night, Emerald went out with Eva. They both chose the city's children's park to talk things out.
"What's the time?" Eva asked.
"11," Emerald replied.
"Nah, not that, kid."
"I am not sure."
"How long are you gonna be sitting like that? You gotta do what you need to do, one way or another, it's gonna happen."
"I think my dad doesn't want this."
"What does he know about this? I mean everything, this whole thing. What does he know about all this?" Emerald didn't say anything, just kept his head low. "Nothing. And that's why, you ain't got a choice. All you can do is, just do your best with what life you got left."
"I'm doing my best, even now believing, that I would come back after four years. What a joke. Betraying someone you can trust at your worst is kind of hard, Eva. I don't think I can do that." He got up and walked away, as Eva watched him weeping with his heart closed.
He got home. His mom was waiting for him with food. He started to dig in. As he started to munch it down, his tears started to roll in. His mom asked, "What's happened?"
"It's just the spice. I think I bit a chili," Emerald replied. His mom took a glass of cold milk and gave it to him. He just kept gazing at it as his bloodshot eyes wept bits and bits of salt.
(To be continued)