I was in my costume heart pounding. This was it the performance will start in half an hour. We are all checking whether our instruments are tuned or not the last time.
"Kids are you done?"
"Yes sir."
"Okay then get off stage. Did all of you have your lunch?"
"Yes sir."
We walked into the room nearest to the stage. It has been a long long time since I have been nervous. I was doing that thing with my fingers I do when I am nervous. Moving my thumb over the other and then opening my fist and looking at my fingers. I felt someone sit beside me but I didn't bother to look up. If I mess up I am done for. My family is coming too.
An assassin pretending to be an average student. Being nervous over nothing. So disgraceful. I fear performing but not taking someone's life. I am truly pathetic. An assasin singing is so ironic and then her having stage fear!I can't help but be useless now can I.
"You nervous?"
I looked up and saw Siddhanth sitting on the chair beside me. I can't believe it how was I so obvious about being nervous? It's so ridiculous! How can I let my emotions come to my face! I am a failure both as an ordinary person and as an assasin.I am just a wanna be neither an assasin nor a normal person. I am just stuck in between, I am a lost bird stuck in middle of my way not knowing whether to migrate to a foreign land or to return to my birthplace and so I am just stuck mid way flapping my wings turning and staring at both paths unable to decide where to go.
"Yeah a little."
"Don't worry we have practised a lot, everything will go smoothly. And even if you do make a mistake we will be there to cover for you."
"Thanks!"
"No need to thank me, when I was nervous and it was my first time this was what the whole crew told me."
Auuuwww! Such a sweet guy! They are rare to find these days you know! Why am I always surrounded by such nice people when I clearly don't deserve them! I don't get it, I don't get it at all!
"Are you feeling better."
I don't know what came over me but instead of answering yes I showed him a thumbs up. He too repeated the gesture and both of us ended up laughing over it.
Maybe I am being normal for ones. Being readable, having stage fear and laughing at silly things that's so unlike the past me. Surely and gradually I am changing even if it's a little, there is a change. Maybe, maybe one day I will become worthy of everyone's love. Maybe, just maybe, the future isn't going to be as dark as I thought. Maybe I will be able to live my life instead of waiting for my death.
We were on the stage, the music began, I saw the crowed staring at me, took two deep breaths. Spotted my family, seated in the first row, waiting impatiently for me to sing and then I just sang my heart out. All the fellings I was holding back, I sang all of them out, the sour ones the sweet ones all of them were out. The melody just seemed to absorb me, like forcing me to get over what I was holding back. I sang just like I know we had practiced, no it was much more then that. I don't know how or why but some emotions I barely recognised came over me, my voice was never that full of emotions in any of the practice. These fellings, are something I wanna conserve for my whole life. This wave of intense emotions I had almost forgotten. I looked beside me, my whole group there with me, ready to cover up any mess I make, ready to help my voice even when it's shakey. I looked at the audience everyone together in the melody everyone ready to chear me up even if I lose confidence.Today I wasn't alone, today these feelings I feel are not just inside me. Each and every soul in the auditorium was with me today, sharing the same feelings as me. Finally today I wasn't holding any feelings back. Music is a language connecting this whole cosmos. How did I forget that? When along the road I got so busy as to forget the beauty of melody? When did I stopped appreciating this thread connecting us all?
When our performance was over, I saw everyone clapping and my family being the loudest of all. I had finally made them proud of me but I know one thing even if I had messed up they would still be cheering. This memory is one I'll cherish my whole live. When I got off stage everyone in my group was praising me. Even if it was just for today I was connecting with people which I had forgotten. Even if it was just for today I had learned to show my emotions. Even if it was just for today I had a voice. Even if it was just for today I was able to live one of the happiest moments of my life. Even if it was just for today I wasn't an assassin. Even it it was just for today I was a normal teenager. Even if it was just for today I wasn't angry at myself. Even if it was just for today I was proud of myself. Even if it was just for today I was finally being myself. Even if it was just for today I was loving myself. Even if it was just for today Chandni has won over the assassin. Even if it was just for today I was happy being visible. Even if it was just for today I was happy to be Chandni the moonlight.