Felix's POV :
Nicholas's eyes never left his own feet since Henry walked out of the arena, neither he dared to move from his place and my heart just couldn't tolerate the pain radiating from him. Though I assured him that he did nothing wrong, he actually gave me a chance to flex myself in my own accord, one thing never changed: the immense guilt looming over him. The feeling of not being able to save the person you cherish the most, the feeling of hurting the people around you who cared about you, I knew that feeling too well for being able to detect that anywhere, any moment.
The task, Tristan gave us to complete, was done with full dedication, I checked every registered name and their weapons, stacked them in theirs scabbards, then put them on the carrying trolley. Nicholas made trips to the weaponry to keep them in their designated shelves and he was too calm in the whole procession as if he was just being there, as if working on set mechanism, just like I did with myself once. Was I actually doing any good, keeping the whole truth from him?! He was not showing it but he was heavily traumatized.
"You should keep him company for a while now or he won't be back to normal." Breaking my trance, a voice spoke just infront of me.
I might've been lost for a while as I didn't notice when the trio of the Lawrence royals came to me. Nicholas had gone for the last trip so only I was left with them and it was Connor who gave me that advice, his eyes genuinely comforting me.
"I'll." I assured.
"Lixi, let your guards down for once in a while. You both need it." Saying so, Julian gave me a comfortable hug.
Breaking the hug, I could only give him a small smile. Was I ready to let my guards down? What if he detach himself from me after knowing that I've deceived him all along? Fear of loosing someone so precious to me again, gripped my heart and I almost drowned.
"If you are hesitant just because of your fear, then win over that fear."
My eyes met with my elder brother's warm, passionate and understanding gaze. It genuinely surprised me that even he was telling me to go forward.
My eyes might have given away my mind, as the next statement of his totally stupified me, "Lixie, you need to realise that you can't undo the past, the more you dwell in it, the more you'll hurt yourself and the people around you. They want to see you as happy as you deserve to be and you definitely deserve all the happiness of the world."
"Felix, are there more..." Nicholas's sentence stopped mid through as he finally noticed there were people around me.
Immediately enough, Mathhew's demeanor changed into an impassive one, as he handed over two more swords and two draggers to me, "the other two belonged to Christopher and Jeremy."
Then looking at Nicholas, he just gave him a slight nod and walked away with the other two.
As they left, Nicholas quietly asked "shall we keep those in the weaponry then lock it?"
"Hmm. Let's go." Not disturbing his quite zone, I agreed.
As we reached the weaponry, we kept the remaining weapons in their right places, then I double checked the records.
When I was finally done I almost bumped into him while turning towards the door, he was zoning out again.
"Nicholas?" Tapping his shoulder, I called out.
As he raised his head and met my eyes, I almost felt a stab went through my heart, his eyes were desperate for some comfort as if he lost focus on himself again, his jaw clenched, his lips quivering as if hesitating to let the frustration out. My hands instinctively reached towards his face, softly caressing his cheek, completely wrapped in fear of breaking him further.
"Do you think if that day I hadn't left my mom, she would have been safe?" He had immense struggle to roll out each word as if they weighed a ton.
"You know that your mom is in safehands, right?"
As he nodded meekly, I continued, "then what makes you feel that she wouldn't have been in danger if you were there?..... Nicholas, nobody blames you for all this. Everything that ever happened had to happen because of the flowing of events. You don't need to bear the guilt on your shoulders alone."
I tried to sound as passive as possible despite the urge to slap myself hard for lying to him.
"Still, if only that night I stayed in the palace, I could have helped her to escape in a better state, her and Felix too. You know her maid said they were heavily injured, the members of The Knights barely rescued them on the brink of death and I was just wondering in the night streets, having fun, unknown to everything. I always thought it would have been better if I was in that state rather than them." His voice trembled, almost choking as if he was afraid of breaking down completely.
Without wasting any second, I engulfed him in a tight warm embrace, "Nicholas! Never say those words again! No matter what happens! Do you think your mom would be happy to hear that if she was here?!" My own voice came out hoarse, filled with strictness and the unavoidable pain.
"I'm saying it right now! Why isn't she coming to stop me? She knows I'm in agony, doesn't she? Then why isn't she here yet?"
Finally tears broke free from his eyes and he completely broke down with those words and my own helplessness gnawed myself inside out. I had no right to utter another word to console him, neither the courage to ease his every pain. Instinctively my embrace tightened as I tried to convince him that I was there for him no matter what. But that assurance was needed for myself too, right? Was I really being any help to his already broken soul?
Almost half an hour might have been passed when Nicholas finally calmed down, no more sob was heard, neither his body shook, still he didn't let go of the embrace. We were really in an awkward position, him being a head taller than me, put him in a crooked position and I finally realised it might have been really uncomfortable for him. Stopping the caressing on his back, I patted him to let him know that we should leave the armory. As he broke the hug, I met with his red swollen eyes, they were filled with suppressed agony. My heart didn't listen to any reason as I tiptoed and my lips touched his forehead lightly, almost a feather like touch.
Nicholas's eyes widened in surprise, his face reddening, petrified between shock and awe, and I finally came to my senses of doing something inconvenience. Staggering back a little, I looked away from his sudden flustered face as I felt that look of his ignited something deep within me.
"Ummmm... let's get back to the dorm. We need to freshen up and the dinner time will be over." My voice unavoidably trembled.
"Huh?... Oh! Yeah... Let's go." His words came out almost incoherently.
A suffocating awkwardness spread through the space between us, we didn't look at each other, neither did we bring out the incident that happened just few minutes ago. When we reached our shared room, we still couldn't break the tension and I felt my insides squeezing me, did I cross the limit line? He must be really disgusted by my actions. What was I even thinking right then? Where was my rational thinking?
"I'll use the washroom first." Nicholas's small suggestion brought me back from my reverie.
"Hmm." My mind was too chaotic to utter another single word.
As he disappeared behind the washroom door, there was a precise knock on the main door. Suddenly concentration slipped into my system as I tried to guess who the visitor might be, cautiously opening the door, I was surprised to see the oldest two members of The Knights, Dr. Steven Kaiser and Professor Henry Klein.
Not letting me say anything, with a hushed tone, professor Klein spoke first, "we need to talk."
Nodding my head, I checked the washroom door before walking out with them, hoping Nicholas wouldn't mind my absence while his mind will be in disarray. After following the older men silently for a while, I realised that we were on the very familiar foot road to the safehouse.
Halting my steps, I enquired, "did something happen to mom? Why are we headed to the safehouse right now?"
The other two exchanged a look between themselves as if deciding who would go first, untill professor Klein spoke, "no, nothing happened to the queen. We are going there to discuss something important."
Though his eyes spoke volumes, they radiated somehow a suppressed fear.
"Henry please don't lie to me. Tell me what happened? Cause I know you're not that kind of person who would overreact over a small mishap in a friendly duel!"
My voice calm and content, trying to push off the in-building tension.
However Dr. Kaiser was the one who answered my question, "we received a portrait of yours this afternoon through an agent, precisely a client wants us to find informations about you and they seemed to know your birth name. That picture of yours is from five years ago, exactly from the night of the attack in the Hammond Palace when you still had your black hair and the birthmark openly shown."
The more I heard him, the more I felt my stomach sinking in distress.
That man finally caught up to me, didn't he?!
"It's that man who saw my bareface that night, isn't he?" I eagerly looked at the olders who were again exchanging glances.
"We don't know who this person is yet, the task came through the agents to the minor cases section as usual and thankfully only Jace saw that." Professor Klein finally responded to me directly.
As I looked at him with contempt, with a humble tone, he apologized, "I'm sorry for the outlash earlier, this matter stressed me a lot, I just felt so much helpless..."
"Henry! You don't need to apologise to me, I know that you guys are worried about me. I won't blame you for that. But still you really hurt Nicholas gravely. He still blames himself for whatever happened five years ago, and now you just made it more unbearable for him." Heavy disappointment lacing my words.
"I know I'm wrong this time and I will definitely make up to him. But right now the most important thing is to keep you safe."
"Keeping me safe?! You guys can't be possibly thinking about locking me in the safehouse too!?!" Bewildered, I looked at them both.
Just like before they exchanged their silent agreement, with a more calm tone, Henry responded, "Felix! We've always failed to keep you unharmed every time. As a leader it's a failure that I'll be never able to cope with. If something serious happens to you this time, none of us will be able to do so."
"Henry, I know that. But that doesn't mean you can confine me! I have a life to live! Leave my studies and the spy crap aside, I need my space to breathe! You can't possibly take that away from me!" My heart raced with anxiety as I let out all the frustration.
As expected, this time Steve spoke first, "it's not about taking away your freedom Felix. Just this month, okay? Just this month. We are almost done with the Hammond spy camps in the Kaiser territory, in the meantime we'll find this person. You only need to hide well till then. Please. If they ever manage to hurt you, your family won't be able to take the blow of loosing another son."
His tone became almost a whisper in the end as if he didn't want to bring that up at all, still he did, cause he was scared, scared of loosing me.
"Steve, don't you think you've touched the most sensitive part of me? Is it your trump card now? To blackmail me?"
An inevitable mockery dripped through my tone, as I braced myself with impassiveness.
"And why do you think we would do that?! Fifteen years ago when I saved you and a heavily injured Matthew with the help of only the other older three, we didn't think of using that moment to blackmail you! We were barely teenagers then, still we thought about keeping you two safe. Do you ever realise the impact Matthew went through, he never dared to show his agony, only to keep himself stronger for you. And you just hid yourself behind a shadow, closing the entire world behind it! Why did you do it? For revenge, right? Then keep this going on. Hide. Hide well. Until the revenge for your brother's death successfully taken!"
I have never seen Steve exploding to this extent and his words reached to the darkest corner of my heart that stayed hidden well behind this impassive tough surface for the last 15 years, yet surprisingly I'm still not given the chance to get out of that hideout. Maybe it's really not the time now or maybe I'm too late to realise that I won't be able to protect myself from this political game anymore.
I might've been lost for while, as Henry's words reached to me quite a bit later "...understands you, Steve. Let's not push him towards the edge anymore. He knows how to do it."
"He better keep himself safe, Henry. Or I'll never able to stand infront of Queen Lawrence."
Giving me a last contempt look, he walked away towards the downroad, leading to the hospital.
"Felix, don't..."
"I'll stay hidden. Don't worry about it. I don't want to add more trouble for you guys." I surrendered with a small smile.
"Felix, you know why he is like that, don't you? Since his father was the first alliance, the imposter king got at that time, he took it as his responsibility to rescue each royal descendants so that they didn't meet the same fate as his mother. Unfortunately we couldn't help saving your brother and that regret is gnawing him till this day." Henry's eyes glistened with the pain of past traumas.
"He has taken so much burden on his shoulder at such a young age, did he never think about coming out of this shadow? It might have felt so much suffocating sometimes like this, how did he even managed to control himself? And I just lashed out my frustrations on him. Just tell me how should I confront him right now, I'm so lost case." The more I spoke, the more my voice trembled and I felt myself as the most terribly pathetic person ever.
"You know he will never take your words to heart, right? He just loves you as much as he loves Simon, his precious little brother." Wiping my tears, he squeezed my cheeks, making me smile a bit.
"Then what about my exams? My classes?" Suddenly remembering the most important thing on hand, I couldn't keep my voice down.
"Take your major classes as you take them in the hospital. Continue your Political Ethics classes on notes if there are problems just inform us, Jace will manage extra time for you. As for Defence Strategy, Tristan will be there to guide you through your morning and evening training."
He sounded like he planned it from the beginning, only I was left to be informed.
Amazing!
Nicholas's POV:
When I came out from the washroom, the first thing I noticed was the stillness of that place, no one was there to fill out the confusion I felt inside me: he left. Just like that? Did he regret it? Did he feel uneasy? Was it all just my imagination that he finally responded to my affection? He was just comforting as a friend right? Right! Why did I even think of the other way around?!
My trance was broken by two light knocks on the main door and my heart immediately flipped with an enormous joy, Felix must be back, I should sort the things out with him.
Excitedly, I opened the door, "Felix, didn't you have your keys with..."
The words got struck in my throat as the person infront of me wasn't a known person at all.
This boy was about two inches shorter than me, muscular too, his ear length ginger hair spread all over his forehead messily, inspite of his gangster look, his face definitely didn't shade it's baby charm yet. He was smiling when I opened the door and I saw two cute dimples adorning his face, literally charmer material.
However seeing me, his smile evaporated as with a sweet voice he remarked, "ooo, I thought Felix has been staying here."
Hearing Felix's name, my heart felt an unknown unease creeping up as if already predicting a bad omen.
Keeping my emotions as passive as possible, I replied, "he isn't here at the moment."
He looked more disappointed, quietly mumbling, "but Jeremy told me that he would be here."
Then looking at me, he asked, "do you perhaps know where has he gone?"
Do I know where did he disappear to? No. Do I know what was he actually feeling after all that happening? No. Do I have the mindset to bring it up the next time we meet? Probably no. Why am I even thinking about this? He might've already closed the chapter, considering it as going with the flow.
"Excuse me, hey! Do you know where Lix is?" That ginger haired boy broke my reverie.
"No. I don't know where he is right now. Why are you even searching for him? Who are you?"
Almost lost my temper over just a little annoyance, seriously I'm gonna be in more serious situation because of this temper.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout..." Apologizing, I tried not to look so mean.
"Ohh! I understand. Everyone around Lix reacts like that when they sense any unfamiliarity around him." He assured with a genuine smile.
Again that nickname!
"It's my fault though, I didn't introduce myself properly." With an apologetic smile he added.
"Well neither did I give you a warm welcome. So here it is..."
Then extending my hand to shake, I continued, "Nicholas Hammond. 3rd semester. Fine Arts major. Painting."
Though he shook his hand with mine, his face suddenly turned dead serious as he responded, "Jasper Yeager. Exchange student from Gyanlo Medical College."