My heart was beating hard, and seemed stuck up in my throat. I clenched my hands tight. And waited. My ears strained for sounds from downstairs, but all I could here was clatter from the kitchen. Fear and doubt and terror and hope all swirled through my head. God, she was so hurt by the truth. I was such an idiot to release my control on her.
I sighed. No, letting her be free was the only way to truly have her. It would never be a real relationship is she was my slave. But, she still loves me. I just need to hope that her love will win out against her anger. I would pray to God, but I don' think he would answer me. It was getting harder and harder to breath as the tension squeezed my heart. Minutes ticked by a long as hours. The longer I waited, the worst the conflict between hope and despair grew. Over and over, two phrases began to repeat on a loop in my head, drowning out all other thoughts
Mary was going to come upstairs. Mary was going to leave.
Again and again, like a needle skipping on a broken record, my mind echoed with those two thoughts. Mary was going to come upstairs. Mary was going to leave. Hope and despair, love and grief, warred for my soul. My heart pounded. I thought it was going to explode in my chest.
Mary was going to come upstairs. Mary was going to leave.
The front door opened. A car engine started. Despair slew hope, and love was drowned by grief.
Mary was going to leave.
I sobbed into my hands.
*****
"I'm going to go upstairs and wait," Mark told me. "If your love for me out weighs your anger then come upstairs. If not, I love you and I won't stop you from going. You can take the car, your clothes, anything you want. I promise, I want ever come looking for you. Just, please, think about it. I love you Mary."
I heard Mark stand up and leave the room as I sobbed into my hands. No wonder I acted the whore today. A man I never met tells me to do the most depraved things and I just did them, without thought or question. It was like he had some animal magnetism, that he awoken some lust buried inside me, that I chose to do these things. That these feelings naturally led to me falling in love with him. But to find out that he controlled me. That I was little more than a puppet dancing on his whims. Fuck, it was more than I could take, my body shook as I cried. The weight of learning Mark had the magical power, from the Devil no less, that let him control people just by telling them what to was crushing my soul.
And the worst part was, I loved him. I ached for him. I wanted to run upstairs and shout out how much I loved him and embrace him and kiss him and … and fuck him. But how could I trust myself around him. With a simple command, I would be putty in his hand, free to perform whatever perverse acts he imagined.
Perverse acts you enjoyed.
No! He made me enjoy them. As long as I am around him, I would be as much his slave as Allison and Desiree.
But he released you. He freed you from his power. If he wanted to, he could make you stay, make you want to be with him, and make you forget you ever were even angry with him. With a word, you would beg him to degrade you further. You would crawl after him on your hands and knees.
No! No! No! I am my own woman. I'm not Mark's slave. I'm not an object to satiate his lusts! My soul was torn in pieces.
I stood up, I had to get out of here. Wrapping the robe about me, I grabbed the keys to the Eos Mark had … had stolen for me. Christ, this was fucked up. I was dressed only in the flimsiest of silk robes. It did little to cover my naked body beneath, but there was no time to change. What if he came back downstairs and brainwashed me again. Panic gripped my heart and I bolted from the table. As I raced through the living room I grabbed one of the Old Navy shopping bags Allison had carelessly left on the floor. I did not care what outfits were in there. I could change latter, once I was away. Once I was free.
I rushed outside, unlocking the Eos and jumping in. I stuck the key in the ignition and turned the key. The car started with a low purr. I was going to escape, I was going to leave, to be free. I grabbed the gear shift and froze. You love him. The sentence seemed to float from the deepness of my soul. You love him.
But, he hurt me. He degraded me. Fresh sobs wracked my body
Yes. But who hasn't hurt the one they love.
Tears rolled down my cheek, my stomach tangled with emotions. I tried to put the car into gear, but my hand refused to move. If I just put the car in reverse, I would be free. Come on, girl, it's not worth the risk. If you go back, you'll just be his slave again.
You're free right now. Mark gave you a choice. No matter what you choose, you're free.
He hurt me. How can I return to him.
You love him. You can forgive him.
I froze. I could forgive him. My heart thumped in my chest. I could forgive him. I loved Mark, ached for him. My hands trembled on the gear stick. It didn't matter why I loved him. Mark was right, it just mattered that I did love him. And he loved me. If he didn't love me, he would treat me just like Allison and Desiree. Like a whore. You seen him with other women. Half the time he could careless if they enjoyed the sex, if they had an orgasm. But with me he make sure I have fun, that I cum.