Turns out, the road to the Kingdom of Matei was longer than I thought.
Pebbles stabbed the soles of my feet, the sun blazed like an end-of-year clearance lamp, and the only entertainment I had was the sound of nature… and my own complaints.
"Ugh... If I'd known I'd be walking this far, I would've asked the inn for a bonus pair of sandals…"
I kept walking, passing under leafy trees that—for some reason—smelled like dish soap.
Weird, but I was way past questioning this world's logic.
Then, suddenly—without me noticing—behind the line of trees…
A DEADLY BATTLE was underway.
Two assassins, dressed in black and red, slashing at each other, leaping from tree to tree like they had a built-in slow motion feature.
One of them even summoned shadow magic from his palm—blasting the other into a massive boulder.
Meanwhile, I was…
...trying to get ants out of my bag.
"Huh? Since when did ants get into my bread? Why does it feel like they're holding a board meeting in here?"
Craasshh!
The sound of a tree falling echoed faintly.
I glanced in the opposite direction.
"Hmm... maybe the wind? Or... a jumbo squirrel?"
Just then, one of the assassins was flung into the air, flipped three times, and landed with one knee on the ground, sword stabbing into the earth dramatically. The ground quaked slightly.
I sneezed.
"Ugh, why is it so dusty in this area?"
I kept walking.
The assassins continued exchanging ultimate techniques. One of them was this close to activating a final move that could've wiped out half the forest…
Too bad I'd already walked past, focused on reading a wonky road sign that said:
"Matei – 1 KM ←Or maybe 5 KM, depending on the road's mood."
I sighed.
"Let's just hope this kingdom isn't as weird as Pavilion. At least they probably don't have residents who wear chicken hats… right?"
And just as the brutal battle reached its climax—one assassin falling, the other vanishing into a stylish cloud of black mist—I finally saw the massive gates of the Kingdom of Matei in the distance.
"YES!"
I shouted.
"Finally made it!"
Meanwhile…
behind me, a bird—the sole witness of the legendary battle—could only chirp softly.
Because the only human around…
didn't see a single second of it.
A few steps later…
I finally arrived at the gates of the Kingdom of Matei.
"Welcome to Matey!"
It was written in huge, shiny gold letters over the entrance arch… with a typo.
"Matey? Seriously?" I muttered, staring at the misprinted sign left untouched, as if on purpose for some 'vintage aesthetic.'
Or maybe the repair budget got slashed. Wouldn't be surprised.
A man in uniform with an overly wide smile approached me.
"Welcome, traveler! Please fill out the kingdom entry form. No entry fee, just a donation from the heart!"
I smirked.
"A donation, huh… If I give nothing, he's probably gonna stare at me until my bread burns."
Halfheartedly, I filled out the form and handed over a single bronze coin.
The officer gave me a sweet smile—then promptly stamped my forehead. With ink. On my forehead.
"What is this?" I asked, shocked, trying to catch my reflection in a kitchen knife hanging in a nearby stall.
"Oh that? Anti-scam stamp. Enjoy your scam-free experience in Matei!"
Anti-scam?
With a stamp on the forehead?
This isn't a kingdom... it's an amusement park that forgot to close.
I walked into the city.
Colorful buildings lined the streets, shops buzzing, everyone smiling... way too widely.
Someone was selling youth elixirs (allegedly tested by their ancestors for 400 years), and someone else offered fortune-telling using… French fries.
Yes, really. French fries shaped like letters.
Apparently, if the fries spell "LUCKY," my life will change forever.
What did I get? "T-O-O-B-A-D."
...Fitting.
I kept walking, looking for an inn.
But every time I asked, I got a different answer.
"An inn? Turn right, then left, past the dancing cat statue."
"Inn? Easy! Go through the Tunnel of Love, you'll see a noodle stall—just sleep there."
If this kingdom is full of scammers, then the citizens are artists.
Not because they're sly—But because they're deeply committed to their lies.
Eventually, I sat on a public bench, sipping water that was somehow blue.
And that's when someone sat next to me.
A young woman in a purple cloak with decorations that screamed "trying too hard."
"First time in Matei?" she asked kindly.
"Yup. And maybe the last," I replied casually.
She laughed.
"If you need work or a place to stay, I can help. But…"
She leaned in.
"Everything has a price."
Of course.
Even sitting here might get billed.