There's a certain art to knocking someone out cold and then reviving them from the dead.
And Kisame? He was feeling extra artistic today.
The CP boys hadn't even cooled down before he slapped on the last seal and stepped back with a grin.
"Edo Tensei no Jutsu!"
A rumble. A coffin. That oh-so-familiar thunk as it nearly crushed his foot.
Ahhh, the smell of necromancy in the morning.
The lid blew open with a dramatic crash.
"BASTARD! I'M GONNA KILL YOU—!"
Kakuzu launched out like a missile, fist raised, rage fully intact.
WHAM!
Samehada blocked the blow like a door slammed in a tax collector's face.
Kakuzu froze, confusion flickering in his eyes.
His arm… didn't want to move. His heart (well, one of them) felt… off.
"The hell?" he growled.
"I swear, you're starting to feel like that damn snake. My body's not doing what I tell it to."
Kisame chuckled, rubbing his shoulder.
"Heh, you felt that, huh? Pretty good vessel, right? Freshly knocked out government assassin—comes with premium muscle tone and a built-in sense of superiority."
"Don't think I'm letting this go just because you gave me a fancy new meat suit."
Kakuzu lowered his fist. His eyes narrowed.
"Now… where's my money?"
Kisame froze mid-grin.
"Uhh…"
"Don't 'uhh' me. Where. Is. My. Money?"
"…I spent it."
"You WHAT?!"
"All two billion. Gone."
The silence could've shattered bones.
Even the unconscious CP agents twitched.
"Two billion?!" Kakuzu's voice shot up an octave.
He stepped closer, expression darkening to apocalyptic.
"What the hell could possibly cost—"
"A ship!"
"…a ship?"
Kakuzu blinked. Once. Slowly.
"You spent two billion… on a boat?"
"Technically… it wasn't enough. So I figured—hey, maybe it's time you came back and helped out a bit, y'know?"
Kisame pulled out his best 'you're-practically-family' smile.
The same one Orochimaru used before suggesting a little light experimentation.
"…Just this once," Kakuzu finally growled.
"From now on, I handle the money. Period."
Kisame nodded quickly.
He'd expected a punch, maybe a decapitation attempt. This was much better.
Kakuzu flexed his new arms, adjusting to the body. He was mid-squat stretch when he paused.
"…So how much more do you need for this stupid boat?"
Kisame hesitated.
"You sure you want to know?"
"Yes. If I'm managing the budget, I need to know your expenses."
Kakuzu looked up, and something primal deep inside him shivered.
Kisame scratched his cheek. Awkward grin back in place.
"…Fifty billion Berries."
"That's not bad, just five hu—"
Kakuzu froze.
"…FIFTY BILLION?!"
It echoed through the bar.
A bird outside exploded in mid-flight.
Somewhere, a banker woke up in a cold sweat.
Kisame nodded solemnly.
"It's got a built-in hot spring, a chakra-forge engine, and a shark-shaped figurehead that breathes steam."
Kakuzu dropped to his knees, staring at the floor.
"I was dead for three months."
"Three months and you managed to go from richest rogue ninja in history to fifty billion in debt."
Kisame patted him on the back.
"Welcome back, partner."
Kakuzu stared at Kisame like he was trying to see through him—like somewhere behind those dead-fish eyes and that sharky grin was a sensible person.
Spoiler: there wasn't.
"You spent fifty billion on a boat?"
His voice cracked like dry parchment.
"What the hell's it made of—solid gold?! Even then, it wouldn't cost that much!"
Kisame shrugged innocently.
"Gold's too heavy. I used sea prism stone for the keel. Cuts better through currents. Also resists Devil Fruit users."
"I—" Kakuzu choked. "Nope. Nope. Forget it. I want to go back. Put me back in the ground, right now."
He pointed at the floor.
"I'm done. Let me return to the afterlife. I was finally at peace! No bills, no partners, no you."
Unfortunately for him, being brought back via Edo Tensei meant he couldn't die.
Couldn't will himself into dust.
Only Kisame could break the jutsu and let him rest again.
And Kisame?
Kisame was not letting his financial investment walk out the door.
"Oh come on. You're already here! Might as well stretch those legs a little."
His smile widened like a loan shark about to explain compound interest.
"And besides, five hundred billion isn't that hard to earn."
Kakuzu blinked slowly.
"…That's five billion. Not five hundred beli."
"Exactly!" Kisame nodded, enthused.
"There are wanted criminals all over the Grand Line. Most start at hundred million. That means we just need… like, five hundred of them. Easy, right?"
"Five hundred heads?!"
Kakuzu tried to process that math, but something in his soul screamed this is wrong.
Then again, his soul had been screaming ever since Kisame summoned him.
"I'm telling you," Kisame continued, gesturing like a man pitching a business model,
"I'm technically a Marine now. Got the badge and everything. We can hunt pirates legally. Get paid, get promotions. Maybe even get a boat discount."
Kakuzu narrowed his eyes.
"…You're a Marine."
"Yep!"
"With my body."
"We make a great team!" Kisame beamed.
Kakuzu rubbed his temples. He hadn't even been back for ten minutes, and already he was in debt by association.
Still, after a long pause, he sighed.
"Fine. But I'm not doing this alone. You want five hundred heads, I need Hidan back."
Kisame blinked. "Hidan? Wasn't he buried alive?"
"Yup. He's dead now."
"…Wait, how did he die?"
"Starvation."
Kisame's expression twisted.
He opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened it again.
"…That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
"Yup." Kakuzu's voice was flat. "Immortal body. No food. Took him two months. He screamed the whole time."
There was a moment of silence for Hidan's suffering.
Then Kisame shrugged and dug into his gear pouch.
"Well, lucky you! I've got three more bodies prepped. Was saving them for some other guests, but hey—might as well bring back the screamer first."
Kakuzu didn't even question it.
He just leaned back and watched Kisame rummage through what could only be described as a ninja hoarder's apocalypse kit.
"Scorpion venom… Konan's paper cranes… Deidara's 'Explosions for Dummies' guidebook… Itachi's shuriken set…"
"What the hell are you doing?" Kakuzu finally asked.
Kisame grinned without looking up.
"Finding the right mood lighting to summon a lunatic."
The mountain of random shinobi loot in Kisame's bag looked like it had come from a Black Friday sale at Akatsuki Mart.
Kakuzu's eye twitched.
There were poison vials tangled with paper bombs. A single cursed puppet limb. A folding fan with "Property of Temari" scribbled on it. And—was that a jar labeled "Deidara's last good idea?"
Kakuzu took a deep breath.
"What exactly are you looking for?"
Kisame, still rummaging, answered without shame.
"Obviously, something with Hidan's… leftover vibes."
And then he stopped.
"...Huh. Actually, I don't think I ever even met the guy properly. You were always the one babysitting him."
He looked up, frowning at Kakuzu.
"Got anything with his chakra? Nail clipping? Bloodstain? Screaming diary?"
Kakuzu paused, then casually split a tiny fragment from one of his own masks—a compact, writhing mass of cursed flesh.
"This will do."
"That's…?"
"Part of a cursed jutsu I used to tether us. It's basically his entire life essence compacted into a fist-sized screaming tumor."
Kisame stared.
"…You two were weird."
Nevertheless, he took the squishy bundle and jammed it unceremoniously into the body of a long-nosed man he'd been saving for just such an occasion.
A slap to the chest.
"Impure World Reincarnation!"
The floor rumbled. Dust shook loose from the ceiling. Up came the coffin. Same rickety build. Same death-trap lid.
Kisame sidestepped before it could crush his toes.
"BANG!"
The coffin popped open like a soda can in July.
"HUUUHHHH?!"
Out stumbled a confused, scowling man, silver hair tangled, eyes wild.
He looked around.
"Kisame?! Kakuzu?! Where the hell am I?! This doesn't look like the afterlife, where's the blood orgies and lava pits?!"
Kisame tilted his head and looked at Kakuzu like: this is your ex, right?
Kakuzu sighed. "You're back. Alive. Courtesy of shark-for-brains here."
The explanation took all of ten seconds.
To Kisame's genuine surprise, Hidan didn't scream or stab anything.
Instead, he threw his head back and laughed like a maniac.
"HAHAHA! I'M BACK, BABY! Praise be to Jashin! Kisame, you magnificent bastard, ever thought about converting? Join the Church of Eternal Screaming! We have dental!"
"Hard pass." Kisame didn't blink.
"Also, no offense, but your church gives bad Yelp reviews."
"Tch, heretic."
Still, Hidan was practically glowing.
He started pacing the room, preaching to the air like it owed him money.
"I'm gonna spread the word of Jashin across the New World! This time, I'm going global! Pirate crews, marine bases, stray sea kings—no soul will be spared!"
Kisame side-eyed Kakuzu again.
"You're telling me this wasn't romantic? Not even once?"
Kakuzu looked like he was about to punch himself.
"Stop reading into things."
Shrugging off his curiosity (barely), Kisame gave the two a quick, breezy summary of the world they were now in.
He'd just gotten to "Devil Fruits and warlords" when—"Knock, knock, knock!"
A firm fist rapped at the door.
"Bruno! Open up! Orders from Spandain-sama!"
"Spandain? Who the hell is that?" Hidan asked, halfway through carving a Jashin sign into the table.
"Another Marine?" Kakuzu muttered.
"Doesn't matter who it is."
"He just knocked on the wrong bar."
Kisame arched a brow, shark-grin already creeping into place.
Wait a minute… wasn't the one we killed named Spandam?
He shot a look at Kakuzu, who blinked in confusion.
"What?"
"You played his dad. Now the actual dad's here. Isn't that poetic?"
"…How do you even know it's his father?"
"I don't." Kisame smiled wider.
"I guessed."
Before Kakuzu could throw something, Kisame gave Hidan a quick nod toward the door.
"You wanted converts, right? Go greet your flock."
"Heh—don't mind if I do."
Hidan practically skipped to the entrance, his massive crimson scythe slung lazily over one shoulder.
The door creaked open.
The poor CP soldier outside nearly dropped his clipboard.
"W-Who are—"
"I AM THE APOSTLE OF THE GREAT JASHIN!" Hidan bellowed, grin unhinged.
"Come, lost sheep, for your blood shall be the ink that signs your covenant—"
"Hidan!" Kisame cut in, visibly wincing.
"Let the man walk in before you start baptizing him in hemoglobin."
"Tch. You're always ruining the mood."
Grumbling like a scolded cult leader, Hidan grabbed the trembling soldier by the collar and yeeted him inside. The door slammed behind them with a sharp bang.
The man scrambled to his feet, already regretting every career decision that led him here.
His eyes darted between:
A silver-haired lunatic who smelled like blood and was muttering prayers,
A stitched-up, dead-eyed man whose mere presence said "financial homicide,"
And a hulking fishman resting a literal door panel on his shoulder like it was a walking stick.
"Wh-who are you people…?"
Kakuzu didn't even blink.
"Doesn't matter."
"Now, what did Spandain send you for?"
The soldier swallowed, still on high alert.
But surrounded like this, he knew he had no leverage—only survival instincts.
He pulled a crumpled letter from his pocket and extended it with a shaking hand.
Kisame took it with two fingers and unfolded it slowly. A pause. A chuckle.
"Oh… now this is interesting."
(End of Chapter)