I did not know what I would do when I got my matric results. The SMS notification appeared just before midnight on my phone and I felt a rush of panic in the pit of my stomach. I had not opened the message, but I had a sinking feeling that it would not be good news.
I was right. My marks were as follows:
- English Home Language: 74%
- Afrikaans First Additional Language: 68%
- Mathematics: 58%
- Life Orientation: 80%
- Accounting: 33%
- Physical Science: 43%
- Visual Arts: 62%
- + Mathematics: probability, data handling & geometry: 47%
It felt like the rug was ripped from underneath my feet. Years of awards ceremonies and top achiever awards led to this. I felt like I had let myself down and did not understand how my marks were so low. I had failed three of my papers and in addition to the above, scored 13% for Advanced Programme Mathematics. Was I even in the classroom when lessons were taught?
I was terrified to tell my parents, but it was too late. Within seconds, my mom came bursting into the room with anticipation. I showed both of my parents the SMS while having a meltdown and crying. They were stunned into silence- alarming for two african parents of a certain age. The Bachelor's Degree pass was a consolation prize- it meant that I would be able to study towards a Bachelor's Degree qualification should I get in. I felt so many emotions at once spilling into each other: shame, guilt, confusion, disappointment, fear to name a few. All these feelings were tightly wound up into a ball which lay at the pit of my stomach.
I had failed myself and I had failed my parents.