I can't.
I can't keep going.
It's been…it's been too long. I stopped even considering how many times after 1,800 days, rewound and retextured. Today has been one of my favorites though, the kind where I get to think for a bit. Elysium is burning all around me, emitting a wonderful warmth and yielding constant gut-wrenching shrieking through the flames. It was one long shriek, like someone looped the Harpyja and boosted the higher frequencies. The rats by now had completely overrun the settlement, black fur streaming across the ground level like sentient currents.
I tried…I always try to save everyone. Even though they only ever remind me what I've done. What I am.
They lie.
I scooted toward the collapsed burning support beam beside me, having tucked myself away on the patio of one of our visitors' homes. We'd stacked them atop each other, and built it close by to our barracks to ensure no other factions could Trojan horse our settlement. The rats quickly flooded the streets this morning, and I knew better than to do anything except grab my friends and hide. Of course, none of them followed. All of them wanted to fight, to protect the other liars in pursuit of the ultimate farce. That anything matters more than warmth.
*KNOCK* *KNOCK*
"TOM! Tom I got Phoebe out here, she's out cold. These rats are everywhere, open the damn door!" Korbin's muffled voice demanded from behind the front door. The room itself was aflame, the roof fraying in fiery chunks onto the furniture. Slowly, I meandered my way through the flames, feeling the rejuvenating warmth tickling my skin through my robes. I stopped at the door, pressing my face at the cracks between the doorframe.
*sniff*
*sniff*
"TOM!! Tell me that's you, you weird bastard. Let me in!!" Korbin's panicked demands continued.
*sniff* *sniff*
The familiar cacophonous rhythm of pittering paws crescendoed from behind the door.
"Oh shit, Tom hurry the fuck up!"
*sniff*
*THUMP*
"AAAAHH!!" Korbin cries slowly muffled under thousands of ravenous squeaks and chomps.
*sniff* *sniff*
"Liar."
"…you let me die Tom. You always let me die. Why do you fight? What do you have le-" Korbin's deadpan tone faded behind me as I walked back to the balcony. The lies aren't warm anymore. I've tried to fight the liars. I've tried to fight the rats. I've fought every fiber in my being begging to lay still, and await the next day. The door doesn't even appear anymore, only calls from the shimmering forest.
*scratch*
*squeek*
*THUMP*
"Cold already?!" I called down the hallway. My voice echoed over the settlement, as countless clawed footfalls scurried in unison toward my building from below. The walls shook as an innumerable amount of rats filed into the building, causing some of its fiery structure to crack and shatter underfoot.
"Guess that's a yes." I said to myself, slumping down with my back against the rails. The flames billowed out of the living room, flaring up into the heat-warped golden walls that creaked occasionally.
…you know it's funny, I can't actually remember why I've always hated these rats before. Not that I'm particularly crazy about them, I actually quite miss not being engulfed by a sea of sharp claws and unending hunger. But they were never particularly pesky in my life. I mean it was only after the integration with those giant undead rats, and Randy coming around, that they became relevant. Yet I hated them, with every fiber of my being. Not because they were particularly gross, it's not like humanity is the antithesis of dirty scavengers either.
But they're not dirty. None of them were, we always made sure we cleaned each other between sharing warmth. After all, there was plenty of residual warmth to be consumed we could never reach alone. True, none of us paid any mind to our fallen brothers and sisters, but it wasn't apathy. And it wasn't exactly a mourning either, it was something less complex…something natural.
*THUMP*
*THUMP*
Squinting, I could barely see the fiery front door to the apartment bowing as the rats fought to enter my warmth refuge. Their harmonious squeals vigorously relayed to one another not a message in the traditional sense, sharing a single priority that rippled through each and every rat in ear shot.
I used to hate that sound. It sounded like desperation. Like selfishness incarnate. Then, their high pitched coos took on a more sinister feeling, the weight of inevitability pressing on my soul every time they emerged over the horizon, or busted through metallic doors. Their gnashing teeth clicked like bones snapping, often delivering such a fate while feeding on whatever was in the vicinity.
But I've felt that hunger. The all encompassing internal drive to seek warmth, knowing my life was forfeited for our goals. All that mattered was warmth, whether it be that of my brothers rubbing shoulders as we charged toward sanctuary, or the blissful embrace of warmth filling my belly. Knowing I could never keep the warm, or take it for my own, and never truly wishing for such a fate either. It was necessary, it was innate, it was primitive, and it felt right. And I despised them for most of my life…and I don't think I had a good reason.
*THUMP*
*THUMP*
*BAM*
The front door blasted open, sending a surge of roaring flames through the threshold. Part of the ceiling crumbled down around the door, along with the burning contents of the floor above me. Thousands of rats squealed in unison, their tiny bodies beelining into the fire. I scooted closer toward the balcony doorframe, rubbing my hands that quickly ran pale as the heat wafted away from me. As my hands separated, a rat covered in flames leapt from the glowing ball of whipping warmth ravaging the building. My heart sunk into my gut as every fiber of my being screamed for me to blast the furball with a surge of lightning as it scurried toward me.
Yet…I didn't. Looking down at its burning body, its bloodshot eyes and dark sludge oozing from its maw, I didn't see a filthy rodent. Not some sewer leach with legs, or the manifestation of selfish gluttony and apathy. I saw survival, the undying urge to continue living, even when everything around you wishes you dead. They didn't hate me like I did them, even as they burrowed through my organs and tore my flesh from my bones. It was never personal, and always for the sake of the colony. I know because I've been one of them, the unwavering anxiety. A sense of urgency so powerful it drowns out all other senses. No pondering over the nuance behind the warmth, that's a luxury reserved for those equipped to survive alone. Rats can't, not nearly as well as they can as a collective.
So as the rat nose dived into the singed and crumbling floor, overwhelmed by the warmth it carried across its crisped skin, all I could feel was…respect. I've spent so, so, SO long here, dreading every day exponentially more than the last. I fought, fled, hid, even bargained with the rats and the liars. I mourned for life itself, for the comfort in knowing every sunrise promised a slew of chances to renew oneself. To change with intent. Yet, these rats have experienced change thrusted upon their colony every single day, the same way I had yet neglected because it wasn't the change I wanted.
Not once have I seen an ounce of fear, pain, or even joy in their wiry little eyes. Whether they were feasting on my flesh, or crunching under my boot, it didn't affect them in the slightest. Because they knew not what they were doing in detail, but accepted the repercussions anyway. Because it wasn't about mediation, or retribution, or even winning. They know…I knew, seeing Cassi's eyes roll into the back of her head as I gorged on her face. I knew when Phoebe's fiery arrow ripped my furry body to pieces in a flash, but I pushed on anyway.
*squeek*
*squeek* *squeek*
My eyes fluttered, awakening from my thoughts, as thousands of red eyes glared at me. Most of the rats stood latched against the charred wall, a few falling lifeless atop their kin covering the balcony floor. And yet, none of them flinched, even as the flames spread to the very spot they stood.
"…I get it. Do what you got to do-" I said, rolling to my side and standing up. The warmth was everywhere now, the balcony violently shifting down as the flames burned away its supports welded into the building.
"-…I have my warmth." I said, as lightning mana flickered at the pit of my belly, igniting across every fiber of my being and crackling across my skin. Not because I intended to kill them all, because frankly I know how that ends. No, because it's become painfully clear that I am the only one left of my colony here. No one was coming. They never were. But that doesn't mean they wanted to abandon me here. My life was never the priority, wasn't innate. It was the colony, its purpose, that can't die. Not until the colony does.
So I stood, waiting for the rats to close in, lightning mana crackling the air wildly. The energy, the warmth is like a cold plunge of clarity, and I wished to share that even when my opponents. Because they weren't my enemy, this was simply our fate. I stood, and waited.
And waited.
…
"…it's okay. Know that I will not roll over and die, but this warmth is not of malice. I must wear it, as much as you must consume it. So go ahead, I'm right here." I said, glancing among the crowd of the rats staring unblinkingly at me from every angle. One single rat emerged from the crowd, its claws clapping casually as it strolled at my feet. Several bloody tails were tied together, dragging behind it leaving a blood trail. A massive gash across its side leaked blood, yet the rat proceeded on as if it was nothing. Its eyes locked onto mine, as the world around us faded from view. Then, it showed me.
Like that cliche moment before death, every day I've spent in this place played before my eyes. Only I saw every scratch, every bite, every bloody wire ripped through my skin. My friends being torn asunder before my eyes, sometimes by my paw, the shimmering wires webbing the forest that eventually grew sentient and wrapped around my limbs at will. My colony, being uprooted by a world that demanded conflict, when all we sought was warmth. Thousands of days filled with pain, despair, and death. Then, I saw the door. That glorious, wondrous door with its shimmering golden handle. Every time my skinless hands gripped its shiny metal, the euphoria wiped away any shred of doubt in my mind. And I smiled, realizing what my furry friend was sharing.
"Yes. That is my warmth. That is where my colony resides." I said, nodding to the rat as my senses slowly returned. My body continued crackling with lightning, a few rats scooting in closer with their paws out toward the jagged bolts licking the ground. Their brave little representative turned its back to me, walking back into the apartment. The wave of rats split in two, allowing for their speaker rat to scurry straight into the fire at the center of the apartment.
One by one, the rats that allowed its passage joined him, leaping on the fire at its base. Then dozens split off, diving onto the flames and piling onto one another. Hundreds sprinted into the apartment, throwing their bodies onto smaller fires leading to the front door. Finally, after several minutes of watching in confusion, thousands of charred rat bodies extinguished the flames spreading across the apartment, as well as a path to the exit. Many remained, feasting on their fallen kin making certain not to waste any warmth.
"…thank you." I said, walking through the path and out the front door. As I stepped out however, my foot sunk through the metal plated floor lining the hallway. My weight plummeted through the hot, malleable metal, burning my skin as I crashed onto the floor below. Scrambling to my feet, the building crumbled all around me blocking my path to the staircase down the corridor. Spinning around, my head thumped into something heavy and wet, nearly knocking me back on my ass. Looking up, Lonni swung from three hooks pierced through his bare chest, covered in his own blood. His face was contorted, frozen in terror with one eye dangling from his cracked and bloodied skull. I smiled, patting his knee that flopped loosely with a series of cracks.
"For you, Lonni." I said, grasping his hips with both hands and yanking him down. His ribs shattered to the collarbone as the hooks ripped from the roof, pulling a metal chunk down with it. I shuffled back, narrowly avoiding being crushed as the metal blasted through the floor. Sliding on my backside, I slipped through the hole in the floor landing onto the metal chunk below. A squelch splattered blood from the sides of the metal as I stepped off in search of a way out. The mana lift doors were bent inward, revealing the dark shaft. I slid through the cracks, leaping toward the corner and perching onto the metal pipes. Looking down, the mana lift sat flickering blue mana roughly 15 floors down.
Lightning Strike thrusted my momentum toward the opposite wall, my feet pressing against the metal and springing off to Lightning Strike again toward the other side. Each time, I fell lower and lower without a hint of hollowness invading my belly.
*BANG*
The mana doors blasted open a few floors under me, as Phoebe slammed against the shaft wall before plummeting toward the bottom. Seeing an opportunity to finally save someone, my speed tripled along with my sense of urgency. Wind whirled through my cowl as I dashed through the air from side to side, slowly catching up with her falling figure. My hand grazed her wrist on my final pass when her skull smashed into the mana lift, exploding on impact like a watermelon.
"Shit." I said, hopping down from the wall. As my feet hit the mana lift however, it jerked down violently under my weight, the metal creaking slowly growing louder.
"For you, Phoebe." I said, taking one last look at her corpse before Ripple Striding through the metal mana lift doors. The moment my foot crossed the threshold, the mana lift sunk down behind me.
*CRASH*
The lift slammed into the bottom floor, rocketing a burst of blue flame that ignited the mana shaft. The concussive blast funneled through the doors, blasting me back through the hallway wall. My chest slammed into the floor, ricocheting through a gap in the ground and falling several floors down before slamming through a chair.
"Argh..haha, fuck that sucked." I chuckled, dusting myself off. The flames filled the bedroom I found myself in, forcing me to Ripple Step straight through the door. As I emerged, I found Korbin hunched over Cassi who lay twitching on the ground. Her eyes locked onto mine, as a tear cascaded down her cheek. Korbin was on his hands and knees, probably mourning our dying friend.
"For you, Cassi." I said, walking up behind Korbin. His head whipped around, revealing a bloodied elongated maw with hundreds of sharp teeth. His red bloodshot eyes bulged with a familiar ferocity, pure purpose incarnate. His dark furry cheeks twitched and chittered as he slowly rose to his feet. I sighed, knowing all too well this Korbin form. This one always hurt the most, both physically and…it sucked.
"I understand. But we may share a warmth, if you so choose." I proposed, extending my hand. The rat faced Korbin instead lunged forward, snapping his hungry maw. My hand raised up into a back fist, slamming his face to the side. Stepping next to him, my other arm wrapped around his neck grasping onto his snout from the other side. My other arm wrapped over his shoulder, looping under his armpit locking him in place.
"And for you, my friend." I muttered, ripping his chin toward his spine as a series of cracks rendered my flailing friend limp in my arms. Slowly, I laid him down beside Cassi, and jogged toward the door headed to the stairway. Before sprinting down the first set of stairs however, a familiar silver glimmer caught my eye. I froze, sliding across the floor narrowly barreling into the silver wire that lined the staircase. I grinned, realizing this version wasn't going to snag my ankle when I wasn't looking. Still, the wires webbed the walls, making it impossible to descend the spiraling stairs.
Peering my head over the rail, I noticed no glimmers from any angle looking down the gap between the spiraling staircase. Shrugging, I leapt over the rails with my hands pressed against my chest, doing my best 'pin' impression. The wind blew my cowl back as I plummeted toward the bottom. Flashes of silvery light danced across my vision like a monochromatic rave as I approached net velocity. Closing my eyes, I raised my arm and willed for my grappling hook, something I hadn't even considered in hundreds of days, toward the railing above. My shoulder screamed as my weight halted with a jolt, my toes grazing the floor below.
My eyes fluttered open, willing my hook to unravel as I fell to the ground floor. Shaking my arm, a few cracks indicated it was probably just dislocated again. Grabbing my wrist, I yanked out and dropped it back in place with a snap and proceeded through the exit door. Fire had all but engulfed the ground floor, leaving just enough space to Ripple Stride toward the exit. As I slid across the fire, steam rising in my wake, shattering glass whipped my attention across the apartment lobby. Steve stood, his head raised toward the fiery ceiling as he swallowed Derrick whole.
"That's new." I said, halting my momentum to see where this went. As Steve finished swallowing, his body folded to the side, revealing a hooded figure trembling in the corner.
"HELP!" He yelled, his voice sounding very eerily familiar.
"Quiet, rodent!" Steve yelled mentally, the figure rolling out of the way of his slamming feathered tail. My eyes squinted, not quite sure I was seeing things clearly through the smoke. But…I'm pretty sure that guy is wearing my cowl.
"Oh good, another meal!" Steve proclaimed locking eyes with me.
"We share a common goal, my dear deceiver. There is plenty of warmth for all, rejoice while it remains." I replied, gesturing around at the beautiful flames surrounding us.
"You were always batshit, Tom." Steve replied, lunging toward me with his fanged maw agape. I stepped to the side, leaping over his wing and allowing his momentum to crash into the massive wall of fire at my side. My feet pressed against the ceiling, kicking off and causing it to collapse behind me. Steve's head emerged from the flames for a moment before the roof toppled his skull, the flames engulfing his feathery scaled figure.
"…for you, Steve." I said, nodding solemnly. Turning back, the man wearing my gear sat quivering where he was when I'd last seen him.
"You, I don't believe we've met." I said, pacing toward the cowering man. His head was buried in his knees, sitting in the fetal position against the wall.
"N-no, I'm certain we haven't." The man said, his voice echoing my own. I paused, scanning the man thoroughly for any signs of familiarity.
"What is your name?" I asked. The man's head lifted from his knees, revealing bright blue eyes and a quivering lip.
"Tom. What's yours?" He asked. Or, I asked, I guess. I paused, wondering what could've caused my days to bring me something like this.
"…what troubles you?" I asked, approaching my scared self. He tensed up for a moment, until I sat down beside him.
"I-…I failed. I always fail. I'm supposed to protect this place these, these people…MY people and, and I always let them die. I'm not enough, and I thought I could become enough by carrying the burden of someone who was but, but I just end up getting the ones I care about killed. I can't carry on anymore." He said, his voice cracking. I looked at him, recognizing the despair in his glossy eyes.
"…then don't." I said, my doppelgänger glancing at me in confusion.
"What do you mean? I can't just abandon them now?!" He replied, passionately waving his hands.
"I never said you were. Tell me Tom, why do you fight?" I asked, calmly. He paused, looking down in his lap.
"…to become strong enough to protect those I care about. To be enough." He said after a pause.
"For them? You want to become strong, but you weren't strong enough. That's just the nature of things, that doesn't mean you abandon your own nature. That would be abandoning the ones you've pledged yourself to. Not their deaths, that is all but inevitable and you know it." I replied with a grin, lightly jabbing my elbow into his shoulder.
"…I don't understand." He said, shaking his head with a furrowed brow.
"Because you've never fought for yourself before. And if you can't even save yourself, if you're willing to abandon yourself, then you die long before your eyes shut." I said, pushing off the wall back onto my feet.
"That's not true! I'm the only one who ever survives, until…"
"…right. Until you don't. You've enjoyed the mercy of losing so long, you thought winning was a rite of passage. It's not. Sometimes, survival is the only option. And survival means more than breathing another breath." I said, my doppelgängers eyes falling down to the floor as I spoke.
"So what do I do?" He asked, frustration lacing his tone.
"Let go." I said in a deadpan. He turned to the side, rebellion exuding from his scent. The…fear.
"Will you…will you help me?" He asked, the weight of his one true failure worn in his heavy eyes. I smiled, extending my hand out to him.
"Of course." I said. My other self paused, his eyes glancing between my hand and my eyes in search of any signs of deceit. Finally, his shivering hand clasped mine, and as I pulled him up, his body became a glowing translucent outline before merging into my body. Memories flooded my mind, only ones I recognized from long ago. Snippets of Korbin and I playing basketball after school, to training in martial arts several years later. Cassi's nefarious smirk after verbally ruining my day for the hell of it. Lonni's confused face that always prefaced his laughter after a joke. Phoebe, desperately chasing Becky around trying to convince her she's friendly and useful. Derrick, that pain in the ass had a way of making his breakthroughs in training feel a little more rewarding for me.
Then, the feelings. Loyalty born in an undying care buried by insecurities and a burning motivation to grow. The panic, the fear, the pain invaded my spirit. Yet, the weight wasn't new, because they were my own. Sighing, my eyes fluttered open finding my twinblades propped against the wall where my doppelgänger sat. Grinning, I snagged my blades, feeling my mana bond with the hilts jetting across the chains and igniting my blades in blue lightning.
Turning back, the exit door shimmered a bright white outline, with a swirling, colorless rectangular void and a golden knob. Looking around, the fire had completely extinguished leaving behind the ashes of its wake and an eerie silence. Without a second thought, I sprinted toward the door, grasping onto the handle and twisting while pressing my shoulder into the void in one fluid motion. Light filled my vision, as I felt my body anatomically disassembling by the a millisecond. Yet, I knew by the euphoric warmth washing over my mind as I floated into an eternal abyss. No more would I awaken in fear of my next breath. No longer would the shrieks of my loved ones echo across the very sanctuary we fought and bled to create from the ground up. This was the end, and the beginning.
This, this is my warmth.
…
*GASP*