Another week passes and Ervin is still doing well. I'm able to actually hold him now for a short time. My baby boy is so strong and I'm so proud of him.
The Shin's are still in town but they haven't been able to see Ervin. I've showed them pictures though. They limit visitation at the NICU to just parents. I told them Ryujin is my partner that's why they let her come with me.
I find it crazy how much it makes a difference having people who support you when you're going through something hard. My mom, sister, Travis, Ryujin and her family have made this whole experience bearable.
I don't know how I would have reacted if they weren't around. Some days are extra tough where I'm really struggling with my emotions. I have emotional breakdowns more often than I'd like but they're always there to help with Eva. Ryujin would usually stay with me and just let me cry without asking questions.
Were on our way home from the hospital now. We usually go when it's time to feed him so we visit multiple times a day.Ryujin holds my hand and I look out the window. Sometimes I still can't believe I'm in a relationship like this. Lately, I've been having moments of gratitude.
It's where I would suddenly zone out and think of all the things I'm grateful for. It's mainly Ryujin and her showing me that I don't need to settle for less. She always reminds me that I'm an amazing person to the point that I'm slowly believing it myself.
I look at her now and she's focus on the road. I look at our hands then back at her. This woman showed me what it feels like to be loved and cared for. She's made see myself in a new light. So many people have put me down that I didn't remember or know what being happy was like.
It's sad that I'm still learning what I'm worth. It's sad that I let people talk down on me and abuse me. It's sad that I didn't have the courage to stand up to them.
I was worried that Eva would end up like me. I was worried of disappointing her because I didn't know how to teach her how to be confident.
Now that I'm in an actual loving relationship, I can confidently show mydaughter how she should be treated. I can show her how it needs to be like in a healthy relationship and never settle for less.
I didn't realize I was tearing up already so I quickly wipe away my tears but of course Ryujin already notices it. She notices every little changes with me.
"What's wrong?" She ask as she kisses my hand and looks at me with her endearing eyes before looking back to the road.
"I was just thinking about how lucky I am to have you" I say honestly. She would alternate from looking at the road and back to me as we continue to talk.
"I feel like I haven't done enough for you in our relationship. Everything has been about me mainly. You're always the one making sacrifices" I add.
"To make sacrifices means I'm giving up something. What am I giving up?" She ask sincerely and I don't know how to answer.
"Yeji, you're going through far more things than I am. Wouldn't it be selfish of me if I make it about myself? You've suffered long enough. It's your turnto be pampered and I'm happy to do that. I'm not making sacrifices because I'm not losing anything. I'm actually gaining something. I have you, Eva and Ervin now. I can't ask for anything more than seeing you three happy and healthy" she smiles at me.
"Also, you do help me too. Whenever were together, you take care of me too. You help make me feel better on the days where I'm really down" she adds.
I feel like crying again. This girl keeps making me cry.
We finally arrive at the house. She opens the front door and let me in first.
"We're home" I announce while taking off my shoes.
"Mommy!" Eva runs to me and she hands me a small box.
"What's this, baby?" I ask.
"Rujin gift" she happily say.
I open the small box and it's a diamond ring. Is this what I think it is?
I turn around and Ryujin is holding flowers now. Where did she get that?
8"This isn't how I originally planned it but Yeji, I don't want to wait any longer for us to officially become a family. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you along with Eva and Ervin. There's no one else in this world that can make me happy like you do. I promise to be the partner you deserve. I promise to make you feel loved every day. So will you do me the honor and marry me?" She ask, looking happy.
I honestly don't know how to react right now. I know I want to marry her but isn't it still too soon? We've known each other for almost a year and a half but we haven't been officially together for a year though.
She's looking at me waiting for an answer and I know she's probably hurt right now because this isn't what she expected.
"Yeji?" She says but I notice her voice crack.
I go around and run out the door.
"Yeji!" I hear her say.
I can't really run since it still hurts from where I got the incision for my C-section but I do hear someone following. I'm assuming its Ryujin. I don't know what to say to her so I continue to speed walk.
"Yeji. It's me so please stop" I turn around and it's Travis.
I stop and I cry again. I just keep crying and I hate it.
"Let's sit" he points at the curb. We lower ourselves to sit on the curb. I don't look at him but instead I look at the dark sky.
"Your sister would be here talking to you but I told her I would because I didn't want her to run while pregnant" he explains but I don't respond
"So what's the problem? I thought you want to be with Ryujin? Was it the proposal? You wanted something big? She did have something planned but considering you're probably tired from taking care of Ervin, she just did it in this simple way" he starts to talk more.
"Do you think it's too soon? You and my sister were together for years and you aren't technically engaged" I say.
"Your sister and I are engaged. We didn't have like a proposal or anything. We just decided we're engaged butI've also known your sister since high school so our situation is different. You might not have known Ryujin for that long but do you think it's too soon? Didn't you want to marry her as well? You even said you're moving to Michigan with her" Travis questions me.
"Yea I do want to marry her. I'm scared to take this next step in a relationship. I've never made it this far. I really thought before that I would marry Dana and that's because we have a kid. It wasn't because of love" I sigh.
"There's not really a distinct time with love. Sometimes you just know. If it's really about the years you've known someone then you might as well be engaged to your ex from high school. What's his name? Crane? Pain?" Travis chuckles.
"What I'm saying is. The short amount of time that you've known Ryujin, the two of you have already gone through a lot together. Like some people say, it's about quality not quantity" Travis continues.
"I'm really scared. When she proposed, everything felt more serious. Accepting this proposal from her, made things more real. I don't mean ourrelationship. I meant the changes. I'll be moving soon with her. I'm pretty much starting over again" I say.
"It's okay to be scared. That's a normal feeling when changes are happening. You don't think Ryujin wasn't scared to propose? She was worried about this. You running off but I reassured her you wouldn't and I guess I was wrong" he lightly laughs.
I feel bad now because it does seem like I rejected her proposal.
"She was gonna propose during your baby shower but since that didn't happen, she decided on tonight. On hindsight, I shouldn't have encouraged her if I knew this was gonna happen" he looks up at the sky now.
"I really do want to marry her. I want to start our lives together. I love her so much but I also don't want a divorce" I say lowly.
"Yeji, you're not married yet and you're thinking of divorce. Have a little faith, girl. Ask yourself, is she worth it? The unknowns in the future. Is it worth it to experience it with her or are you gonna let fear stop you?" He ask.
I think about it for a moment. "I don'twant fear to stop me at a chance for happiness" I answer.
"There you go" he smiles at me.
"Who knew you're so wise" I chuckle.
"Years being with your sister has its perks" he says.
"Thank you, Travis" I hug him.
"Anytime, little sis. Now go get your woman" he stands up and he offers to help me.
We walk back together to find Karina waiting for us in the living room. "Are you okay? Eva is asleep. Ryujin's family went back to their hotel and Ryujin is waiting for you in your room" she says. I can't believe Ryujin didn't leave. I would have thought she would go with her family.
"I'm okay. Just you know, my usual stupid reaction when I get scared" I say to my sister.
I say good night to Travis and Karina. I take a deep breath before opening the door in my room. I notice Eva is asleep on the bed with Ryujin next to her, working in her laptop. She sees me and puts it to the side.She stands up and walks to me. "Am I gonna hear bad news?" She ask, cautiously.
I shake my head, trying to contain myself from smiling.
"So it's a yes?" She ask, still not sure.
I nod at her, slightly smiling now.
"I need actual words Yeji or people might think I'm forcing you to marry me" she chuckles.
"Yes. I would love to marry you" I finally answer.
The moment I said those words, she had the biggest smile on her face. She hugs me then kisses me with so much enthusiasm.
"I love you" she says when she pulls away.
"I love you too. I'm sorry for running off" I sigh.
"It's okay. I pretty much expected it" she laughs and I smack her arm.
"You did?" I ask seriously now.
"You tend to run away when you feeloverwhelmed. I just have to trust that you'll come back" she smiles at me.
"Now its getting late. We have to go visit Ervin tomorrow morning so get ready for bed" she gives me a peck on the lips before going back to the bed.
I wash up and change into my pajamas. I climb into bed with Eva in the middle. "So what made you decide to propose now?" I ask.
"That's one thing I wanted to talk to you about. I want to start living with you as soon as possible but when I have to file your visa as my fiancé it's gonna take 5 to 7 months to process but I also didn't want to apply without you actually being my fiancé because that's assuming that you still want to marry me and I didn't want to assume that.
But now you said yes, I'll apply when I get back to Michigan" she explains.
I'm still scared for this step but I trust Ryujin. I have faith in her.
"What about Eva and Ervin?" I ask.
"That's no problem. I just have to include their information. Once they start processing the paper then you'll probably have to do some biometrics and get interviewed" she savs."I'm ready. As long as I'm with you" I say.
"I'm always here by your side" she smiles at me.
We finish our talk and get ready to sleep. We do have to wake up early to see Ervin. But I can't believe I'm engaged now. I remember the ring. I don't know what happened to it. I sit up to ask Ryujin then I notice that it's on night stand. I chuckle because I can't believe her. She's seriously perfect.
I wear the ring and I extend my hand in front of me to admire it. I'm really gonna get married to a woman. This is not what I expected but I'm happy. Ryujin is one of a kind. I can't believe she didn't get mad that I ran off but instead understood because she notices it's how I react. Instead of trying to change me, she accepts me, even my flaws. Even if she's not gonna ask me, that's one of the things I want to improve on. I don't want to keep running away and make her think I might not come back.