I wake up and I feel something heavy on my hand. I look down to see Ryujin sleeping. When did she get here? I carefully move so I don't wake her up but that didn't work.
She immediately jumps up, "Do you need anything? Are you hurting somewhere? Do I need to call the nurse?"
"When did you get here?" I ask, not showing her any emotion. I am curious though, she didn't ask me if I was okay. Why do I feel disappointed by her right now?
"Farlier this morning, Karina texted me and I went on the earliest flight they had she answers as she sits back down. She holds my hand but I move mine away and place it on my lap. She looks hurt but I don't care right now.
"Do you not care anymore?" I ask.
"What do you mean?" She looks confuse.
"You don't even ask if I'm okay? Or how I'm doing?" I scoff,
"Yeji, how could I ask such things after what happened to you? I know
you're not okay. A lot happened to you last night and I know you're extremely worried about your baby. I'm sorry. I just thought asking you if you're okay is pointless when I know you're not. The best I can do is just to be here for you. As much as I'd like to take away the pain you're feeling right, I can't" she sits on the bed next to me now. I scoot over to the side to try to give her more room, I don't know why I'm doing that.
She wraps her arm around me and she takes my head to lay it on her shoulder. "I know you're angry so if you need to take it out then take it out on me. Don't hold it in" as soon she says that I start crying.
I am so mad. I'm so mad that I'm even mad at her and she didn't do anything yet instead of getting upset with me, she always tries to understand me.
I feel her start caressing my arm and I cry even more. I don't deserveher but she's what I need right now. I'm so worried about my baby and she's the only one that can really calm me down. She came here to see me right away after hearing what happened. How can she do that just because of me? I'm not worth all this effort she's doing.
"Stop thinking you don't deserve me" she suddenly say.
"You always think that when something major happens to you. I'm here for you, Yeji. You deserve everything you want in this life. You've suffered long enough" she adds.
"I'm so scared" I whisper.
"I know, love. No matter what happens, we will get through it, okay? I'll be by your side the whole time. I'll be there to help you with anything. I'm not going anywhere even if you push me away" she kisses the top of my head.
I sigh, "Thank you."
"You don't need to thank me" she says.
"It's not for being there for me. It's for not saying everything is gonna work out or gonna be okay in regards of my baby. For some reason, I like the fact that you assured me with no matter what happens you'll be there instead of saying my baby will be fine since neither one of us knows" I sob out.
She doesn't say anything but she just holds on to me tight. "Have you thought of a name?" She ask.
"No. I didn't start thinking about it because if I name him then I'll get attached" I say.
"He's your baby. You're already attached, love. You're right we don't know what's gonna happen but I know for a fact that he won't go down without a fight because like his mother, he's a fighter" she tells me.
I smile a little at what she said. "Should I come up with something that starts with a letter E like Eva?""You haven't thought about a name at all while you were pregnant?" She ask.
"Not really. What did you want to name your future kids?" I ask. I don'l know but this conversation is actually somewhat helping. Or maybe just Ryujin being is helping me.
"I don't really have names. I didn't really plan on having kids of my own. I didn't like kids back then but that changed when Gabe was born then I met Eva" she answers.
"You want kids now right?" I ask kind of worried because I have two kids. I know she's mentioned she's okay with it before but maybe she changed her mind.
"Yes but only with you" She chuckles.
"I kind of what to stick with the letter E" I say.
"I don't want to do Evan because you have a friend named Evan. Ervin?" I ask.
"I like it" she simply answers. I think about it anymore. Eva and Ervin. You have to fight, Ervin.
"I think I'm gonna name him Ervin" I say hugging Ryujin now.
"Well Ervin it is" she says.
"Ervin Clyde" I say his middle name.
"That's nice. What's Eva's middle name?" She ask.
"Camille. Eva Camille" I answer.
"I'm gonna visit Ervin later, do you want to come with?" I hack away to see her face..
"If that's okay with you" She smiles at me.Someone knocks on the door and enters the room. "Ms. Hwang, we would like you to try pumping now" the nurse says. Ryujin stands so shes not in the way while the nurse help me.
I lift my shirt up to attach the cup for pumping. I look at Ryujin and she turned around so she's not looking at me. I laugh because it's not like she hasn't seen them before and she holds them when we sleep together too.
I turn on the machine and I feel like its doing its thing. It's like a suction thing. This is really my first time pumping. Eva was breastfed.
"You can face me. My boobs are covered" I chuckle.
"I'll be back in a few minutes to check on you" the nurse informs me then leaves.
"Does it hurt?" Ryujin asks.
"No. I just feel like I'm being milked. Maybe because I am" I laugh lightly. I really didn't think I could laugh even a little after what happened but Ryujin just makes everything feel okay. I have faith that Ervin will make
"Have you heard from Eva and Karina? Is Travis okay?" I ask as she sits down on the chair next to the bed.
"They're okay. Karina took some time off and Travis is fine. I'm grateful that he was there though or the situation could have been worse" Ryujin sighs.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there with you" She sounds guilty.
"It's okay. You're here now. I actually didn't expect you to be here so soon. I'm happy that you are though" I smile at her.
She stands and leans down, bringing her face directly in front of mine. She places one hand on my cheek. "I love you" she says before kissing me. Her kiss is slow and full of care. I can feel her love for me through this kiss. My eyes are closed but my tears still manages to come out. This time my tears are because I'm happy. I'm happy to have someone likeher.
The door opens and the nurse is back. Ryujin stands and backs away from me. "I'm sorry to interrupt" the nurse smiles. She helps me take the pump off my breast then leaves with the milk.
After a little while, another nurse comes to take me to the NICU to see Ervin. Her and Ryujin help me get on the wheelchair. Ryujin follows us to NICU.
The nurse leaves us alone when we get to the room. I'm holding Ervin's tiny hand since I can't pick him up yet.
Ryujin watches us with a smile on her face. "He looks perfect" she says to me.
I keep staring at my baby. It's really hard to see your baby in this situation. I have no choice but to the trust the hospital to take care of him to make sure he lives.
Ryujin walks to the other side of the capsule crib and I raise my brow at her. She lowers herself so she's eye level with the baby.
"You have to fight little buddy. Your family are excited to meet you. Your mom wants to hug you so you gotta be strong okay?" Ryujin whispers to Ervin. Why is she so adorable?
We can't spend a lot of time there since the nurses has to make sure he's fed and stable. Ryujin pushes me back to my room then help me get on the bed.
I honestly don't know if I would feel the way I do now if Ryujin wasn't here. I would be more of an emotional mess. She's helping me have hope that Ervin is gonna be okay without telling me that Ervin is gonna be okay.