WINTER BREAK - December 18th
Aries and I spent most of this week trying to pick out gifts for Kelyn and Elandria. Elandria's gift was something I found immediately and unexpectedly. A seasonal vendor in town was peddling homemade soap carvings. One soap carving was pigeon-shaped and smelled like patchouli and cardamom. Very Elandria. The vendor tied an orange ribbon around the pigeon's neck for a festive touch. Perfect.
Aries didn't really get it, but I told him he could sign his name on the card as well. It was more on him to help me brainstorm something for Kelyn. He hadn't been living with her the last few weeks, but he'd been in her sigils class for all of last term. There was no pretending that hadn't been his favorite class.
"Are you sure you want me to come for dinner tomorrow?" Aries asked. We were poking around a stationary shop then. It was the third or fourth shop that day and we were both already tired of looking. The question had come out of the blue.
"You got somewhere better to be or something?" I said. I wasn't really asking. I knew he didn't.
I could have told him it was Kelyn and Elandria's idea, that they'd been the one to suggest I invite him, mostly out of supposed politeness to me, but I also didn't really want to. I liked the idea of them having Aries over for dinner. We'd been meeting up most nights anyway. It felt wrong to ditch him in favor of spending a holiday with the Marblebrooks alone.
"No," he said. He grinned to himself. He was a little too happy, but I could let him have this.
Especially since that night I talked to Elandria. She was sitting in the sunroom with a book, Boaz, and a plate of peas. Boaz fluttered his wings at my arrival and Elandria glanced up from her book over the frames of her glasses.
"Something wrong, Zephyr?" she asked, without setting down her book.
I'd been putting off saying anything for way too long. It was going to be awkward but better I say now and get it over with. "Nothing wrong, no," I said. "I was hoping to talk to you about something… Just a clarification."
Elandria flipped her book face open on the table. To my surprise, it was a book with a cover not terribly dissimilar to the werewolf novel in my room upstairs, only instead of a werewolf, it was a woman and a mermaid.
"It's about Aries tomorrow," I started.
"He's not coming?"
"No, no, he is," I said. "I just wanted to avoid any confusion there. He and I aren't…" I searched for the right word and could only come up with ones I didn't want to use. "We're not together," I said.
Elandria nodded her head. "I see…" There was something about how much this whole interaction pained me that seemed to please her. "You really are your mother's son," she said, oddly fond.
What was that supposed to mean?
"First relationship she admitted to being in was her engagement, six months before the wedding," Elandria said. "You don't have to be so secretive. You're not even that good at it."
"I'm not trying to be-"
Elandria picked up her book again. "You and Aries make a cute couple." I realized at this point it was entirely a lost cause.
Before dinner, Aries and I picked out a sampler set of loose teas for Kelyn. It wasn't an exciting gift exactly but she drank tea and I'd seen a few from the same shop already in one of the cupboards.
Kelyn had told us to dress for warmth and comfortability. After dinner and gifts, we would all be walking out to the center town square to watch the bonfire.
So, Aries arrived in a thick gray sweater and a black wool coat. He wore a pair of slacks that still had a tear at the knee from one of our scuffles in the courtyard. But otherwise, he looked comfortable. Clean shaven. His hair was a little long, falling over the tops of his ears, but like his patchy stubble, kind of charming.
I had meant to dress similarly, but Kelyn had bought the three of us holiday sweaters, so I was wearing that instead. It was ugly, and when I'd frowned at it in the mirror, Kelyn had told me that was kind of the point. She went on to wrap her long white hair up with tinsel. Elandria also made it known that she hated hers as well, but she was still wearing it. She gave me one of those wordless glares as though to say, this isn't a choice. So I dropped the argument before it could even become one.
And of course, Aries told me he liked the ridiculous sweater too. He would.
"So, what should I be expecting for tonight?" Aries asked. "Should I have brought something? Wine maybe?"
I shook my head. "I'm chipping in a few bottles. You're fine as you are. I know it's a big holiday or whatever, but Kelyn said they're pretty low-key about all of it. Elandria's picking up takeout from that Aslanian place and Kelyn's been working on something in the kitchen all morning and won't let anyone come near."
We'd just about reached the door to the cottage when Aries said, "Hey, Zeph. There's actually one thing I was kind of hoping to catch you for. Maybe before we go in?"
It was the kind of ask that set my nerves afire. I raised my flask of wolfsbane solution to my lips and took a swig, not sure if this surge of feeling was me or the wolf or both of us at once.
I could tell Aries was nervous. I took a seat on the cottage's front steps, thought Aries might do the same, but no. He stayed standing. "I just wanted to give this to you while we were still alone," he said.
Aries pulled a thin box from his pocket tied up in black ribbon. It was just large enough I was surprised he managed to carry it without me noticing. "I know we didn't say we were doing gifts or anything. I just saw this and wanted to get it for you anyway."
I knew I was meant to open it but I was momentarily stuck on the thought that Aries had bought me a gift for Fire's Night. I hadn't celebrated Fire's Night before–neither had he for that matter– but it was a big enough holiday outside of Caburh that I knew already gift-giving implied a certain amount of affection. I doubt he's also picked up something for Noodle…
He was expecting me to open it.
I did. Already hoping it was something small, something trivial, a gag. Something we could laugh over. Anything to make this easier.
But no, leave it to Aries to pick out something genuinely thoughtful. In the little box, under a thin protective layer of orange tissue paper, was a book. It was leather-bound and sturdy, a black cover, with a sleek silvery closure. It was simple, beautiful, clearly well-made, and I could imagine, fairly expensive.
"It's titanium, not silver," he added helpfully as my hand hovered just above the latch. "I know it's a little early for us to be buying grimoires of our own, but you'll need one eventually. And if you don't use it as a grimoire, you've got to be pretty close to filling up that old diary."
I wished he hadn't mentioned my journal. Obviously it wasn't a secret that I kept one, but now more than ever I'd be beyond mortified if I ever caught him reading it. I trusted him enough to think he wouldn't. He cared a little too much.
I can't remember what I told him. That I loved it? It was the truth. He told me he's having one made for himself too, not the same, but similar to serve as his grimoire for later this term. I got the feeling he realized he'd maybe overstepped, a gift a little too thoughtful for whatever it is we were or weren't to each other. I didn't have a gift for him in return. He knew that. In that moment I know I kind of wished I did, and because I didn't, I did something very stupid instead.
I threw my arms around him and pulled him in for a crushing hug.
I heard the quick hitch of his breath. I've said it before, I don't hug, but Aries does, and I hadn't even had to think of it. When he realized what was happening, he relaxed. His arms found a place to rest across my shoulders. He rocked a little against my hold, as though he just liked the feeling of my arms around him. I'd hugged Aisling not long ago, but this was different. We both knew this was different.
The hug went on a little too long. He was too warm, too close. I was nosing into his too-long hair. It was all having an effect on me. I had to pull away first, before it was obvious.
Aries too upon breaking away took another step back and paced a bit, suddenly uncomfortable, too clearly about as caught up in it as I'd been.
"Thank you," I said. Someone had to say something. I was willing the winter cold to work on me. And after a few minutes, we went in to meet Elandria and Kelyn.
Aries had been a little wary of dinner, but it turned out fine. Kelyn and Elandria were how they always were. Kelyn was talkative and latched on quickly to the fact that Aries hadn't grown up celebrating Fire's Night either and filled the lulls in conversation with family stories and traditions. At one point, Kelyn slipped up and asked Aries, "Will you have any family coming to visit this year?"
To his credit, he said, "Considering the last time my dad came to Mesym was an act of war, probably not him."
Elandria cut in, "Officially, Aries is meant to be here under an alias."
"Two decades ago my family didn't even have a surname. My dad just made this one up. I'm not changing it on the off chance someone recognizes me," Aries said. "So far, it's just been Zeph, and he didn't care."
Kelyn for some reason started laughing. I hadn't really considered how Aries living in Mesym might matter politically. It mostly didn't. Caburh was full of small city-states with sprawling royal families. He wasn't here in a political capacity, but aspiring to be a forgettable mention in the annals of Caburh's wicked history. There was a chance one day he could inherit his father's title to a small but particularly noisy city on the southern coast of Caburh, but he wasn't the heir, and I'm pretty sure he didn't want to be.
"My mom is going to be visiting with my little brother when it warms up in a couple months. They've never been to Mesym," Aries said finally. "Apparently Auren is very excited about using an alias. Mom said he's already trying out new names though most are too ridiculous to be usable."
There was a moment where Kelyn and Aries briefly glanced to me next as though I'd jump in to talk about my own family, but they both well knew I didn't have any more to share other than what Marblebrook could tell me, which as of right now, was still nothing new. But Kelyn snapped us from the awkward tension by bringing out the cookies we'd made for dessert.
And we were onto gifts. I gave them to Aries to dole out at the first opportunity.
"Oh, you really didn't have to," Kelyn said.
"You called it a gift exchange, Kel. They obviously did," Elandria snipped, but she was already tearing at the paper.
"It's nothing big." I didn't want either of them to get their hopes up.
Elandria gasped. "What?" She held the little soap pigeon up to the light. "It's Bo-bo!"
Kelyn clapped. "It's nothing like Boaz. That one's actually clean."
Elandria hushed her and went on to sniff through the teas we'd gotten Kelyn. Overall, I think we'd done pretty well picking out gifts. I'd almost forgotten that they'd planned on giving me something too until Elandria turn to say, "We also went in on a joint gift for you too this year."
Kelyn's eyes narrowed in on Elandria. "It's not a joint gift. I just had you purchase the bottles!"
Elandria shrugged. "I don't really do gifts."
"Ignore her," Kelyn said. "I always do the same thing for Fire's Night every year. Kind of my own little tradition." Instead of explaining further, she brought out a box from the other room. She passed a long skinny bottle to Elandria first with a quick peck on the cheek.
"This is just as much of a gift for you as it is for me and you know it," Elandria muttered.
Kelyn rolled her eyes. The next one was short and wide, with dark glass and a pink bow with a card. She handed it to me with a bit of a laugh. Aries got a similar bottle, only it was a quarter the size. "A little goes a long way with this one," she said to him.
I rolled the bottle over in my hands. There wasn't a label or anything that might hint at what it was. Aries had already opened the card. Kelyn and Elandria were watching us eagerly, but still had said nothing. I opened my own card next.
I read it.
I know that I read it because I can remember the curly-cue script of Kelyn's handwriting, but as to what it said, I've completely blacked out. Because the minute I realized what was in the bottle, I realized what had to be in all the bottles, specifically what Aries was holding and discovering for himself as he too was reading, what I had to guess was, a card remarkably similar to mine. He was quickly turning the same shade of pink as the ribbon tied around its cap.
"We're all adults here," Elandria said. "Kelyn's been making these for years and she's good at it. So, for our sake, wait to use them until you're back to living on campus again."
Love potions. Kelyn had given us love potions.
"Thin walls," Elandria added.
There was an awkward beat of silence before I remembered that this had been a gift. And apparently, a generous one. And maybe it was. I tried to compartmentalize my panic as best I could and laugh it off. I forced a smile. "Thank you, Kelyn. This is definitely a first for me."
Aries was still staring at the card, his shock more than apparent. I set my hand on his knee under the table to try to shake him out of it.
I was grinning too much, I knew that, but Aries smiled back. His face was flush and he chewed his lower lip. I think he thanked Kelyn, but through all of that, I'm pretty sure he never took his eyes off me.
Walking to the bonfire later, Aries asked, "This wasn't some kind of a joke, was it?" Elandria and Kelyn had gotten a little ahead of us, just far enough to be out of earshot.
"You mean the love potions?" In the last half hour, I wasn't mortified anymore. I'd realized that this was just Kelyn and Elandria being Kelyn and Elandria. I was getting used to the idea that their perspective on magic was quite a bit different from mine.
"Definitely not a joke," I said. "Sorry, they've had it in their heads that we're a couple for a few weeks. I've already tried correcting Marblebrook, but she didn't believe me."
"Why would we need a love potion if we already were-" Aries cut himself off. "I'd never want to force you-" Another false start, he cringed. "Okay, so it wasn't a joke but you don't…"
It felt like there was a question in there somewhere but I wasn't entirely sure what it was. We stopped walking. Elandria and Kelyn had gotten far enough ahead of us I no longer saw them, but it didn't matter. We could already see the light of the bonfire up ahead.
"Try not to overthink it too much," I said. "It was a gift. No one's going to make you use it." I threw an arm over his shoulders. I bent my head close enough that our foreheads knocked. I had been going for friendly, conspiratorial, but the two of us huddled against the cold in the dark felt like something else.
"Are you going to use yours then?" he asked.
No. I should have said no. I'd never used a love potion and I didn't particularly have any interest in trying one out. But I had one now, on my nightstand, one that was made to be consumed with a partner. "You aren't a little curious?" I asked Aries. "It's a gross idea if someone doesn't want it, but imagine you both want it? Could be fun."
He was back to stammering again, all nerves. "You know I've never… I haven't…"
"I've never taken a love potion either," I said.
"No, I mean, I haven't -" Aries huffed. I realized now he wasn't talking about the love potion anymore.
"Are you a virgin?" I asked.
"No," he barked back. "I wasn't going to say that. I've never been in a relationship." If he expected me to be surprised, it was hard to hide that I wasn't. Honestly, I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd said he was a virgin too.
Part of me wanted to say, no loss there. But this was Aries. I knew him better than that. He had stupid crushes, liked fairy tales with happy endings, and probably believed in soulmates. So, instead I just told him, "That isn't a big deal. Whoever you end up with won't care about that. I doubt love potions really expire anyway."
I pushed him along, so at least we were walking again. The last thing I wanted was for Kelyn and Elandria to come looking for us.
Talking about all this had made everything between us weird. We reached the bonfire and I think I'd hoped that conversation would have gone differently. We found Kelyn and Elandria and stood beside them as the night grew darker and the growing crowd heaved more logs on the central pyre. I knew well enough I didn't want a relationship. I'd been saying that for weeks. But I couldn't pretend I didn't want Aries.
So, I let my hand slip off of his shoulders, caught his waist and squeezed. I'd touched him so many times, but never like this.
He immediately straightened. The muscles of his core tensed. He glanced over but did nothing to pull away. His eyes in the low fire light were dark and questioning. This would have been easier had I not already kissed him at the Masquerade. I'd screwed up then. There had to be a limit.
In some ways, it was easier that we were out in a large crowd. It was loud and dark. There was a massive bonfire burning in the town square. We could talk and no one looked twice at the way I held Aries against me. No one but Aries noticed either when I pressed a kiss into his hairline. He melted a little against my shoulder initially and when I pulled back, he reached around the back of my neck to pull me into another kiss.
This was better than the last time around. I let Aries set the pace and if all he wanted was to suck face until we were gasping, remembering again we still needed to breathe, that was fine by me.
Eventually we pulled apart and went back to watching the bonfire. As the night went on, different locals were throwing things into the flames to send up different colored sparks. I let go of Aries, but he hadn't let go of me. We were there for a long time, eventually watching the fire die, and the first signs of dawn start to lighten the sky. For most of it Aries hugged me to him, his arms around my stomach, his chin resting on my shoulder.
By then, we were both too tired. I know there'd be a time when we'd talk about all this. Us. Whatever that was going to be, but at least it wasn't now. We'd been up most of the night, not talking about anything important, swapping kisses and holding each other in the dark.
But now what? I considered asking if he wanted to come back to the Marblebrooks' cottage with me. Though maybe not. The love potion Kelyn had given me was sitting there on the nightstand like a taunt.
Aries yawned into my shoulder. "It's late. I'm going home. Can you thank the Marblebrooks for having me over?" We'd lost them somewhere in the crowd and now that it had thinned, I had to assume they'd gone home already.
"Yeah, of course," I said.
"And you'll still see me tonight at the pub?" he asked. "Same time as always?"
He didn't let go of me until the shadows crept over him and he vanished.
"Wouldn't miss it."