KING ---
"What's that?" A voice said behind me and I locked my phone quickly, putting it onto the table and glaring at Peter who laughed.
"What are you doing? Texting someone in broad daylight?" He smirked at me as he sat on the table across from me. No. I was reading about the marriage between Khadijah and Muhammad.
"Yeah." I said, plastering a fake smirk on my face that he clearly believed as he wiggled his eyebrows, reaching over and taking an apple from my tray, as my heart beat slowed to its normal pace. I couldn't imagine his reaction if he had actually seen what I was reading about.
"So there's a party tonight and you're coming whether you like it or not. The squad hasn't felt complete in nearly a month." He said as he bit the apple and chewed it loudly
"I've got plans." I said simply, not feeling in the mood to go to a party. Hell, I haven't felt in the mood to go to a party in weeks. Ever since I first stepped foot in the Masjid something within me had changed but I ignored and overlooked it until the day I visited my mum. Now I was trying to get to the bottom of what I was feeling.
"No way." He scoffed. "Cancel them. We're going out. You need some women, man. You've been moping around like an old man for three weeks."
Three weeks. Three weeks of nonstop reading and research. Has it really been three weeks? If I wasn't at home reading the books Ahmad gave me, I was reading on my phone from the internet.
It was crazy how infatuated I was with the idea of Islam. I never thought I'd be in this situation before.
"I'm good." I said but he shook his head and laughed as if he knew I'd come out. I wasn't. I was almost finished reading the tafseer of the whole Qur'an and I wanted to finish it as soon as possible to see what the next step waiting for me was.
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"Yes, Linda?" I asked as I heard her knocking on the door. The handle jiggled but the door was locked. "I said 'yes Linda' not to come in, for God's sake." I muttered loudly, making sure she heard me.
"Sorry, sir. My apologies." She cleared her throat and I asked her what she wanted. "Your friends are here to see you."
I clenched my jaw and shut the tafseer, sliding it into my drawer before pulling the door open and storming down the stairs, seeing Peter, Tyler and Jackson standing in the lobby, laughing at something while my dad spoke.
"I told you I'm not coming, Peter." I muttered angrily, glaring at my father who seemed to look very smug as he looked up at me.
"I think you should go. You've been cooped up in your room for weeks. This isn't like you. Go, I'm giving you permission." My dad spoke and I looked at the boys who seemed to be very proud of themselves as if they had just managed to convince my dad to let me go out.
"Since when did I ever even need your permission?" I replied back distastefully, narrowing my eyes at him. I don't know why he was being so friendly with my friends to their faces when in reality he actually disliked them very much.
"Well, this time I'm kicking you out. I have colleagues coming for dinner and the last thing I need is for you to make a scene or give a snarky comment at dinner." He said to me and then it made sense. He was probably grateful that the boys had shown up hence why he was acting so friendly
.
"If they hadn't shown up you would have locked me in my room like you used to do to mum, yeah?" I said to him, clenching my fists in anger as the memories came back to me of when he would force my mum into the room and lock the door so she wouldn't 'embarrass' him in front of his friends.
"Your mother was psychologically ill. She needs ..."
"She just needed some love and care! All you showed her was resentment! You were ashamed of her for something she couldn't control!" I screamed, almost being able to feel the boys giving me pitiful looks. I didn't care if I broke like this in front of them. They knew what my dad was like and they knew my mum too. If there was one thing I loved about them, it's that they never judged me for my family problems, but they did pity me which was bad enough I guess.
"She was sick in the head! I couldn't have her frolicking in front of important people!" He shouted back, his fists shaking just like mine were as Nadia ran into the room at the shouting and tried to calm him down.
"She was important!" I shouted back, slamming past him and leaving through the front door as the guys followed. I stalked down the pathway, hearing the guys' rushed footsteps following behind as they tried to keep up with me.
Eventually I slowed my pace and my breathing regulated my anger diminishing. Clearly Tyler realized this as he used the opportunity to speak. "What happened back there? All my memories were gone as soon as Nadia walked into the room." He joked, making the others laugh.
"She's my stepmother, mate." I muttered with a shake of my head, barely holding in my laugh.
"Your step mama can be my baby mama any day." He laughed loudly, the rest of us joining him as we walked the couple blocks to the house party. If there was one day in these past three weeks that I needed to get out, it was today.
"The squad is complete once again!" Peter whooped loudly as he jumped around once we walked straight in through the open door of the house, already seeing countless drunks and people passed out even though it was only eight.
As always, we walked straight to the kitchen where the alcohol was kept but for some reason, once I had the bottle in my hand, I felt queasy. My stomach felt sick and I cleared my throat as I looked down at the bottle. Nevertheless, I took a gulp and one gulp turned into many bottles.
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"Helena?" I muttered as I turned around and looked at her familiar face over my shoulder. "Damn it." I groaned, taking my hands to my face and rubbing them over it while breathing out loudly in frustration.
I sat up, looking around and realizing the familiar room. It was her house. I shut my eyes, breathing in and out deeply before opening her drawer where I knew there'd be Panadol. I popped out three tablets and swallowed them, my mind feeling messed. Wow. I had drunk way too much yesterday and on top of that, I felt crappy. Not only physically, but spiritually. I looked over at Helena and almost felt disgusted with myself.
These feelings were foreign to me, but they were so strong that I couldn't ignore them. Not anymore.
"Morning." She spoke with a yawn, stretching her arms above her head before standing up. I moved my head, turning my gaze away from her naked body and clenching my jaw. Why was I feeling like this? I didn't want to feel like this.
She took the packet of tablets from my hand and popped two into her own mouth before standing in front of me, her arms coming around my shoulders.
I swallowed, wanting badly to take it further with her just to suppress these feelings and prove to myself that I was still who I was, but as soon as she began lowering her body onto mine and pushing me back on the bed, I pushed her away by her shoulders roughly. A loud gasp escaped her lips as she stumbled back and held on to the desk to prevent her from falling. I stood up, rushing to collect my clothes off the floor and walked into her bathroom to change. Why couldn't I just get dressed in front of her like I always had?
I was losing my mind.
I left the bathroom and looked at her. She now had her underwear on, sitting on the edge of the bed, her arms crossed over her chest. I averted my gaze yet again.
"Listen, Helena." I muttered as I scratched the back of my neck. "What we have going on, I mean, you know it means nothing. I always told you that." I muttered. I don't know why I felt so nervous saying all this to her, but I did. The only thing I wanted was to get this off my chest and get the hell out of her room and her house forever. "This can't happen again." I said. "I'm not sleeping with you ever again." Or anyone for that matter.
"Excuse me!?"
She spoke, shooting off the bed. I still didn't look at her naked form, but I could tell she was mad, absolutely livid.
"Listen, deep down you knew this would never lead to anything bigger than what it always was." I told her honestly, sensing the growing tension in the room. I knew I shouldn't have gone out with the boys. It was all because of my dad.
"Take it as a goodbye." I said finally with a shrug off my shoulders as I took one last glance at her before walking to her door.
"I don't understand!" She cried. I felt a twinge in my heart that I had caused the pain of someone else and someone who I knew did care for me even if it was never reciprocated.
I ignored her and pulled the door open, walking through. "I don't either." I whispered more to myself as I left her house. "Not yet, anyway." I muttered and before I even comprehended where I was going, I found my feet taking me to the place I had discovered only recently, yet the place that already felt more like home than places I've been at my whole life.
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"Except, I don't even have any thoughts about converting or anything ... not yet, anyway." I spoke as I found myself opening up to Walter about what I had experienced this morning and last night.
He was the only one at the Masjid from the guys I knew. Maybe that in itself was a blessing of sorts. If it were any of the other guys here, even Ahmad, I probably wouldn't have been able to open up about my struggle, but with Walter, it almost felt natural because I knew he probably went through the exact same feelings I went through.
"Did you get this?" I asked him, throwing the bottle in my hands into the air and catching it, over and over.
"I don't think I did as much as you, to be honest. I mean, my conversion was over time. Like I knew Muslim people who were friends and I never got any signs or anything that told me to start looking into the religion. Over the years I naturally found out little things here and there from friends, without even asking and one day I was like let me just see what this is about.
I read the Qur'an, searched for stories and enjoyed it. Converted. I didn't have any signs or miracles happen to me." He laughed. "But let me tell you a story of one of the Sahaba. (Definition; companion of the Prophet; One who met Muhammad, believed in him and died as a Muslim) His name is Umar ibn al-Khattab. So Umar is the son of al-Khattab." He said and I got comfortable, nodding my head and preparing to listen to the story and see in which way it correlated to my situation. He cleared his throat as if he was preparing to make a very important speech and I laughed, shaking my head as he grinned and began.
"Okay, so after the death of the Prophet, there were four main khalifa's (Successors/Leaders) of the people in the city. The first was Abu Bakr and the second was Umar. He was born into a middle class family and a rough father who used to work him to exhaustion and beat him harshly if he didn't work enough and so Umar grew a thick skin. He used to tend to his father's animals, but in his spare time during his youth, despite there not being many people who could read and write, Umar taught himself and he developed a love for poetry despite his harsh nature. He learnt martial arts and how to wrestle and he was physically well built. They Say when he would stand in a group of people, he would always be the tallest and the biggest. Surprise, surprise, he was a drinker. He loved alcohol." He said, showing me in which way it was going to relate to our situation.
At that, my eyebrows shot up and I listened, now completely intrigued by the story.
"When Muhammad " received the first revelation and he began preaching about Islam, like many others, Umar was opposed to it. He was adamant and cruel in opposing Muhammad, and very prominent in persecuting the Muslims. He was one of the people who recommended Muhammad's "death. He firmly believed that the faith of Islam was a cause of division. When the prosecution and attack on Muslim people became more widespread, Muhammad wanted his people to move to protect themselves and Umar feared that he would spread Islam to even more parts of Arabia and so he decided he would kill him. On his way to murder Muhammad, Umar met his best friend who had secretly converted to Islam but had not told Umar.
When Umar informed him that he was on his way to kill Muhammad, Nua'im, his friend, said something along the lines of 'why don't you go to your own household first?' Umar's sister and her husband had already converted to Islam and though he knew he shouldn't have disclosed that information to Umar, he did it to save the Prophet's life." Walter unscrewed the water bottle in his hand and took a few gulps out of it as I waited impatiently for him to continue the story.
Hurry up, dude.
"He went to his sisters and brother-in laws house enraged and just before he entered, he heard his sister and her husband reciting the Qur'an, verses from Surah (Chapter) Ta-Ha. He walked in, started fighting with his brother-in-law. When his sister came to help her husband, he also started fighting with her as well. Remember he was this massive guy filled with anger. Yet when he attacked them they said, you may kill us but we will not give up Islam. Once he heard that, Umar slapped his sister so hard that she fell to the ground bleeding from her mouth. He looked at her and saw her on the ground bleeding and he immediately felt guilty, all the anger leaving him at the situation his sister was in. He asked her to hand over the Qur'an but she didn't give it and he promised her he wouldn't ruin it and he just wanted to see what it was the Qur'an said. His sister told him, "You are unclean, and no unclean person can touch the Scripture." So Umar washed his body and then began to read the verses that were: Verily, I am Allah: there is no God but Me; so serve me (only), and establish regular prayer for my remembrance (Quran 20:14). He wept upon reading the verses and declared, "Surely this is the word of Allah. I bear witness that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah."
"Wow." I spoke softly. "A man that opposed to Islam, huh?" I said softly.
"Yep. SubhanAllah." He said and I watched as his eyes glossed over. "On hearing this, another Muslim came into the room and told Umar, saying; 'Yesterday Muhammad prayed to Allah, O, and Allah! Strengthen Islam with either Umar or Abu Jahl, whomsoever Thou like. It seems that his prayer has been answered in your favor." Both Umar and Abu Jahl were enemies of Islam but very strong fighters." He explained.
"Then Umar went to Muhammad {SAW}" with the same sword he was going to kill him with and accepted Islam officially in front of Muhammad{SAW}" and his other companions. He was 39 at the time. They say that after Umar accepted Islam, Islam became public. People no longer feared oppression and were influenced by him as he was the first to openly declare he was a Muslim. He feared none, but Allah. People would pray in private but Umar would go directly in front of the Ka'aba and pray in public. He even challenged anyone who dared to stop the Muslims from praying, although no one dared to interfere with Umar when he was openly praying." He explained and I was left in awe.
Imagining such a powerful man who started off at one extreme and ended up on the other.
"Abdullah bin Mas'ud, who was a companion, said; Umar's embracing Islam was our victory, his migration to Medina was our success, and his reign a blessing from Allah. We didn't offer prayers in Al-Haram Mosque until Umar had accepted Islam. When he accepted Islam, the Quraysh were compelled to let us pray in the Mosque.' Imagine this was a guy who loved his alcohol, hated Islam and was about to kill the Prophet {SAW}". "He said, a tear sliding down his eye.
I'm sure right now Walter was relating the story of Umar to himself and probably getting emotional.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't wondering whether or not one day I'd be able to relate to the story of Umar.
"Some time later, Muhammad {SAW}" ordered his people to migrate to Madinah as a tribe there had promised them protection. Most of the Muslims migrated at night fearing resistance from Quraysh, the tribe against them, but Umar is reported to have left openly during the day while saying to people: "Any one who wants to make his wife a widow and his children orphans should come and meet me there behind that cliff."
"What a boss." I said, before widening my eyes, not knowing if that was appropriate to say or not, but then relaxing once I heard Walter chuckle.
"After Muhammad's {SAW} a death Umar was in denial and couldn't believe it. He told people he would cut off their heads if they said Muhammad {SAW} as was dead and he was convinced that the Prophet would return soon, but Abu Bakr, the first khalifa's, recited verses from the Qur'an stating; Muhammad {SAW} is but a messenger; messengers (the like of whom) have passed away before him. If, then, he dies or is killed, will you turn back on your heel? After hearing this and hearing Abu Bakr tell the people Umar had threatened that Muhammad {SAW} had in fact died, Umar finally accepted it and he fell to the ground crying. Such was the love they had for the Messenger. Even the strongest and harshest of them all broke at the news of his death. So anyway, Abu Bakr became the new leader, not a prophet of course, but just the one that made decisions for the Muslims and stuff and the one people went to when they had problems. He was known to be a very soft and kind leader and when he died, he appointed Umar as the next khalifa's. People were so used to Abu Bakr's softness that initially many people opposed and didn't want Umar because he was so harsh.
However, Abu Bakr said; His (Umar's) strictness was there because of my softness. When the weight of the Caliphate will be over his shoulders he will remain no longer strict. If I will be asked by God to whom I have appointed my successor, I will tell him that I have appointed the best man among your men."
I continued to listen intently, not for a second losing any interest in the story.
"He addressed the people once Abu Bakr died and said to them;
O ye faithful! Abu Bakr is no more amongst us. He has the satisfaction that he has successfully piloted the ship of the Muslim state to safety after negotiating the stormy sea. He successfully waged the apostasy wars, and thanks to him, Islam is now supreme in Arabia. After Abu Bakr, the mantle of the Caliphate has fallen on my shoulders. I swear it before God that I never coveted this office. I wished that it would have devolved on some other person more worthy than me. But now that in the national interest, the responsibility for leading the Muslims has come to vest in me, I assure you that I will not run away from my post, and will make an earnest effort to discharge the onerous duties of the office to the best of my capacity in accordance with the injunctions of Islam.
Allah has examined me from you and you from me. In the performance of my duties, I will seek guidance from the Holy Book, and will follow the examples set by the Holy Prophet and Abu Bakr. In this task I seek your assistance. If I follow the right path, follow me. If I deviate from the right path, correct me so that we are not led astray."
"Wasn't he the most knowledgeable? Why would he need others' help regarding religion?" I asked.
"Even the best of people make mistakes. Umar knew that. Any knowledgeable man or woman would know that. He was humble." He continued with the story. "He was known to be the most just and firm, never giving out a verdict that was unfair. In one case a Muslim and a Jew came to him with an altercation and he told the Muslim that he was in the wrong and favored the Jew."
I felt as though no matter which sahaba's story I listened to, Umar would probably always be my favorite. "In 644, Umar was assassinated by Persians in response to the Muslim conquest of Persia. The assassination was planned several months earlier. In October 644, Umar undertook a Hajj (Holy Pilgrimage) to Makkah. It is related that when Umar stood at Mount Arafat he heard a voice saying:
'O Caliph, never again will you stand on the Mount of Arafat'."
He cleared his throat and drank the rest of the bottle before completing the story and wanting me to hear more.
"On 31 October 644, Piruz attacked Umar while he was leading the morning prayers, stabbing him six times in the belly and last on the navel, which proved fatal. Umar was left profusely bleeding while Piruz tried to flee, but people from all sides rushed to capture him; in his efforts to escape he is reported to have wounded twelve other people, six or nine of whom later died before slashing himself with his own blade and committing suicide. Umar died of the wounds three days later. Umar is reported to have left the following testament:
Be kind and generous to the Muhajirun and the Ansar. Those out of them, who are good, be good to them; those who are bad overlook their lapses. Be good to the people of the conquered lands. They are the outer line of our defense; they are the target of the anger and distress of our enemies. They contribute to our revenues. They should be taxed only on their surplus wealth. Be gracious to the Bedouins as they are the backbone of the Arab nation. I instruct you to be good to the Dhimmis for they are your responsibility. Do not tax them beyond their capacity. Ensure that they pay the Jizya without undue inconvenience. Fear God, and in all that you do keep His pleasure in view. In the matter of people fear God, and in the matter of Allah do not be afraid of the people. With regard to the people, I enjoin upon you to administer justice with an even hand. See that all the legitimate requirements of the people are met.
Be concerned for their welfare. Ensure the safety of their person and property. See that the frontiers of our domains are not violated. Take strong steps to guard the frontiers. In the matter of administration, we do not prefer the rich to the poor. Be hard against those who violate the law. Show them no mercy. Do not rest until you have brought the miscreants to book. Treat all the people as equal. Be a pillar of strength for those who are weak and oppressed. Those who are strong but do wrong, make them pay for their wrong-doings. In the distribution of booty and other matters be above nepotism. Let no consideration of relationship or selfish interest weigh with you. Satan is at large; it may tempt you. Rise above all temptations and perform your duties in accordance with the injunctions of Islam. Get guidance from the Holy Quran and Sunnah. Freely consult the wise men around you. Apply your own mind in difficult cases, and seek light from God. Be simple in your living and your habits. Let there be no show or ostentation about you. Lead life as a model Muslim. As you are the leader of the Muslims, justify your leadership by being the best among them all. May God bless you."
"Amazing, isn't it?" He asked with a sigh, his shoulders relaxing as he leaned back on the wall.
"It is." I answered truthfully. "I wish there was more to it." I said as I shifted position to get comfortable again as my legs started to go numb from being in the same position for too long.
"There is. You need to read about him, though. We'd be here all year if we went over his whole life story." He laughed, making me laugh also before he looked at me.
"The main reason I opened the conversation about Umar is because of one thing I missed though." He said, making me raise my eyebrows. "Umar became a Muslim after reading the Qur'an at his sister's house. But one late night when he was out drinking, he saw Muhammad {SAW} praying in front of the Kaaba and so he hid around the corner, initially wanting to scare the Prophet {SAW} mid-prayer and threaten him. Remember, this is before he became a Muslim. So the Prophet was reciting verses from surah al-Haqqah, and the verses touched Umar. He thought to himself, 'these must be the words of a poet?' Remember how he had an interest in poetry?" He asked and I nodded my head. "Yet the next verse the prophet recited of that Surah was;
38. So I swear by whatsoever you see,
39. and by whatsoever you see not,
40. That this is verily the word of an honored Messenger [i.e. Jibrael (Gabriel) or Muhammad which he has brought from Allah].
41. It is not the word of a poet little is that you believe! Then Umar thought 'then these must be the words of a soothsayer', yet the very next verse in the surah that the Prophet recited was;
42. Nor is it the word of a soothsayer (or a foreteller), little is that you remember!
43. This is the Revelation sent down from the Lord of the 'Alamin (mankind, jinns and all that exists)."
"Woah." I muttered my eyes wide as tingles shot through my body. My body.
"SubhanAllah." Walter said to himself. "So, even though after that happened Umar still went to kill the prophet and still thought he hated Islam, he later explained and told the people about that moment and said 'Upon hearing this, Islam entered deep into my heart' even though he didn't quite know it yet." He said and that alone made my body feel ignited as the words he said repeated over and over in my head.
"Are you saying ... "I cleared my throat. "Are you telling me I'm feeling guilty because Islam has already entered my heart?" I asked him slowly.
"I gotta go pray; it's Maghrib (evening prayer) time." He smiled at me as he stood up. "But that, my friend, is the million dollar question you need to figure out the answer to."He said before leaving me to battle my own thoughts, and millions of them.