Night had fallen.
When word got around that Barney had been knocked out cold by a high-heeled shoe, Matthew and the gang all swung by to check on him.
"I'm fine, guys! I could check out right now. Tonight, we're drinking 'til we drop!" Barney declared from his hospital bed, his energy practically bouncing off the walls as he grinned at his friends.
But everyone's eyes slid over to Adam.
"Looks like he's okay for now," Adam said, glancing at the monitor with a nod.
"See? Told ya!" Barney jutted his chin out, smug as ever.
"But…" Adam's tone shifted, "it's probably best if you stay one more night. Just to be safe."
"No way!" Barney yelted. "I'm done with this dump! I'm outta here—right now! Everyone, let's hit McAllen's Bar, pronto!"
"Sorry, Barney," Ted said with an apologetic shrug. "I've got something to take care of later. How about you stay tonight, and we'll celebrate tomorrow instead?"
"What could possibly be more important than my grand hospital exit party?" Barney demanded, clearly annoyed.
"I've gotta go apologize," Ted said with a wry smile. "At lunch today, one of the office clerks on our project team pulled out this huge lunchbox. I just said, 'Awesome, you got lunch for all of us!'—and she burst into tears and ran off. Then I just found out she quit."
"Dude, that's cold," Matthew piped up.
"Ted Mosby, how could you?!" Lily chimed in, her tone dripping with mock outrage.
"Sounds like this clerk's a 'big girl,' huh?" Adam said with a chuckle.
"Yeah," Ted groaned. "I swear I didn't mean anything by it! That lunchbox was massive—like, it had a whole chicken in there. A legit, giant roasted chicken! Outside of a Thanksgiving family dinner, I've never seen one that big. Put yourselves in my shoes—what would you have thought?"
"Go apologize, man," Adam said, still grinning. "You know Monica, right? What do you all think of her?"
"Gorgeous!"
"Smokin' hot!"
"Super sweet!"
"Absolute perfection!"
Adam's question sparked a flood of responses from the three guys—though some of the answers sounded a little… offbeat. Everyone's heads swiveled toward Lily, whose dreamy expression gave her away.
"Oops, sorry!" Lily snapped out of it as her boyfriend nudged her awake. She wiped the corner of her mouth with an awkward laugh.
They were all old friends—they knew Lily's quirks by now. After a shared chuckle, they let it slide.
"She was a 'big girl' back in middle school too," Adam said, smirking.
"No way!"
"You're kidding!"
The group erupted in disbelief.
"Dead serious," Adam replied, his grin widening. "Picture two Monicas mashed together. The Monica you know now? She's basically half of what she used to be. Every 'big girl' is a treasure, you know.
So, Ted, go give that sincere apology. Who knows? Maybe this 'big girl' you made cry and quit is your soulmate!"
"…" Ted's mouth twitched.
He couldn't even begin to imagine what that clerk would look like "halved." Right now, his brain was stuck on the full version of her—and that kind of "soulmate" felt like way more than he could handle.
"Heh," Adam smirked, reading Ted's mind like an open book. "Of course, if you don't wanna bother, that's fine too. But who's to say? You put in all that effort to help her slim down, she transforms into a total stunner, and then—bam—she thanks you and runs off to chase some rich hunk or a brooding CEO."
"No way!" Ted shot back. "If I stuck by her through all that, there's no way she'd do me like that."
Adam just smiled, saying nothing. Oh, you sweet, naive soul. Clearly, Ted hadn't binged enough melodramatic East Asian soaps. Ever heard of "Diamond Lover"? TV comes from real life, buddy. Stories like that were old news—heartbreak headlines were a dime a dozen.
And that wasn't even the worst of it. Spending your free time and emotions as her personal cheerleader? At least you'd get a workout in too—not a total loss. The real suckers were the guys slaving away at construction jobs to put their girlfriends through college, only to get dumped when the plot took its predictable turn. Those poor souls got the full, brutal smackdown from reality.
"Effort equals reward? That's just a pretty dream," Adam thought.
"Fine, go do your thing, but swing by after," Barney said, his enthusiasm unshaken. "We'll head out first."
"Sorry, Barney," Matthew cut in, looking sheepish. "I'm out too—I've got a paper to finish."
"Come on!" Barney groaned. "You said yourself writing papers is like eating cake—your exact words!"
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"Plus," Barney pressed, "we threw, what, a dozen parties back in the day, and you still cranked out a paper in the last few hours that'd take anyone else a full weekend. Request denied! No excuses!"
"That used to be true," Matthew said, wincing. "But this semester's prof? She's the strictest I've ever had. Worse, she just got divorced, and now she's taking it out on us. Papers that should've been A's? She's slapping B's or even B-minuses on 'em. If I pull my old trick—boozing it up and rushing a B-level paper—I'll end up with an F. No thanks."
"Heh," Adam laughed.
He got where Matthew was coming from. Law, like medicine, was a slow grind—every step had to be solid. One F on a paper? Sure, you could retake it, but that stain on your record would stick. For someone just coasting, no biggie. But if you're aiming high, that one blemish amid a sea of perfect resumes could tank you right out of the gate.
If that happened, Matthew's dream of being a New York judge? Toast.
"We're all walking on eggshells," Matthew grumbled. "We've been saying behind her back—she needs a man."
"Oh, really?" Barney's eyes lit up.
"You wouldn't be into her," Matthew said, rolling his eyes. "She's pushing fifty."
"So what?" Barney countered, ready with his signature spin. "You're age-shaming now? Older women don't deserve love?"
"That's not what I meant!" Matthew waved his hands frantically.
"Is she hot?" Barney interrupted.
"I guess?" Matthew shrugged.
"A cougar!" Barney rubbed his chin, then snapped his fingers. "Matthew, I've decided—I'm taking this challenge."
"What challenge? I didn't say anything!" Matthew sputtered.
"Tonight—"
"Nope!" Adam cut in.
"Fine, tomorrow!" Barney adjusted his tie, undeterred. "I'll rest up tonight and work on my 'Cougar Plan.' Tomorrow, Operation Cougar officially kicks off!"
"Please don't," Adam warned. "You're still recovering from that charm overdose. If Matthew's prof finds out, what do you think she'll do to his grade?"
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