???
Hearing Jiang Bai's explanation, Zhongli's mind filled with question marks.
How come I wasn't aware that I was dissatisfied with myself?
Just how exactly had Jiang Bai arrived at such an absurd conclusion?
"Am I wrong?" Jiang Bai retorted, clearly annoyed by Zhongli's confusion.
"You literally said that 'gods are merely beings of higher order'!"
Zhongli couldn't understand why Jiang Bai was suddenly bringing this up. "I was merely stating a fact."
"No normal person would ever say something like that! Someone who speaks that way is either a god themselves or someone rebelling against one!"
Jiang Bai's logic was oddly sound in this instance—after all, no faithful believer would utter those words.
Zhongli pinched the bridge of his nose. "Then why didn't you suspect me of being the former?"
Jiang Bai folded his arms with a smug look, as if he'd seen through everything.
"Of course, I considered that you might be a god yourself. But remember what you said when I mentioned the ruins at Guyun Stone Forest?"
Zhongli raised an eyebrow, indicating for Jiang Bai to continue.
"You said, 'Countless stories lie buried beneath the rock, waiting for you to unearth them.' Weren't you implying that Rex Lapis had hidden many dark deeds beneath those rocks, encouraging me to dig them up and undermine his rule?"
(°ο°)
Zhongli froze.
He wasn't sure he'd heard correctly. After carefully replaying Jiang Bai's words in his head and confirming that he had indeed heard correctly, Zhongli was completely speechless.
Yes, he had said those words—but was that their meaning?
Who in their right mind would interpret his poetic encouragement this way?!
(╯°Д°)╯︵┻━┻
For the first time in centuries, Zhongli felt a powerful urge to flip a table.
Jiang Bai confidently continued his explanation:
"'Beneath the rock' obviously represents Rex Lapis; 'buried' suggests he concealed those terrible deeds; and 'unearth them' clearly means you wanted me to expose those hidden evils!"
The more Jiang Bai spoke, the more he felt his logic was flawless.
After all, if Zhongli was Rex Lapis himself, why would he encourage Jiang Bai to shake the foundations of his own rule?
(-_-)
Zhongli placed a hand over his forehead, feeling utterly exhausted.
He'd lived over six thousand years, and the last time he'd felt this speechless was when the Seven Archons had first established their rule, and that drunken bard Venti abandoned Mondstadt to bother him for a drink.
Just how was Jiang Bai's brain structured? Had his fake death truly caused permanent damage?
How had his perfectly ordinary words been twisted so far beyond their original meaning?
"Anything else?" Zhongli asked wearily, wondering what further shocking interpretations Jiang Bai could produce.
"Of course! Last year at Yujing Terrace, when you heard Keqing boldly criticize Rex Lapis, you smiled in a particularly meaningful way. Weren't you thrilled that you'd finally found an ally to overthrow Rex Lapis's rule?"
Zhongli's hand twitched involuntarily. A strong urge to punch something—anything—filled him.
"Continue," he prompted calmly, suppressing his growing irritation.
Jiang Bai grew even bolder. "Last year's Rite was overseen by Yuheng Keqing. You secretly cooperated with her to assassinate Rex Lapis at that ceremony. Since Rex Lapis immediately returned to Celestia afterward, nobody knew anything had happened until today, when his body fell from the sky!"
Zhongli fell silent.
To manage such elaborate misinterpretations... Jiang Bai truly had talent.
He patiently asked, "Then tell me—how exactly could one secretly assassinate an all-powerful god in broad daylight without said god noticing?"
"How should I know?" Jiang Bai huffed indignantly. "You're the one plotting to seize Rex Lapis's position—you obviously have your ways!"
"…When did I ever plot to take his position?"
"You literally told me 'humanity doesn't need gods anymore.' Isn't that practically a public declaration that you want to usurp his place?"
Zhongli: "…"
Zhongli realized something crucial: Jiang Bai always interpreted his words in the strangest way possible.
"You even denied the Archon's achievements!" Jiang Bai added triumphantly.
Zhongli laughed despite himself, amused at last. "But if I recall correctly, those were originally your words. Using your logic, doesn't that mean you also plan to usurp Rex Lapis?"
Jiang Bai's eyes widened dramatically, shocked that Zhongli had turned the accusation back on him.
He leapt to his feet indignantly. "That's slander! I never said anything like that!"
"You might not have said it explicitly, but that's what you implied."
Watching Jiang Bai jump up and down in frustration brought Zhongli a certain amusement. Conversations with Jiang Bai were never boring.
"You! You—you—" Jiang Bai stammered incoherently, at a loss for words.
Zhongli leisurely sipped his tea, continuing smoothly along Jiang Bai's train of thought:
"I gave you a [Vision], shared with you knowledge and secrets of the gods, and even knew your identity as an outsider. You've realized that I killed Rex Lapis, yet here you are, still sitting across from me. Doesn't this mean you're already my accomplice?"
Zhongli smiled calmly, eyes glinting with mischief. "So, since you're already in the same boat as me—what will you do now? Run off to the Qixing and accuse me?"
"You—you tricked me! Dammit!" Jiang Bai pointed furiously at him, but seeing Zhongli's casual expression, he slumped defeatedly back into his chair.
Zhongli was right. Jiang Bai was powerless against him.
Zhongli was Wangsheng Funeral Parlor's consultant, and Jiang Bai himself belonged to Wangsheng. The parlor had stood in Liyue for generations, and Hu Tao was its sole heir.
If news got out that Wangsheng's own consultant had murdered Rex Lapis, the people's fury would bury the parlor forever. Hu Tao would face an impossible dilemma.
Rex Lapis's death was already a reality—accusing Zhongli openly would accomplish nothing good.
Jiang Bai ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "You're forcing me into injustice!"
Zhongli, thoroughly enjoying Jiang Bai's torment, calmly sipped his tea.
Feigning a sigh, he murmured dramatically, "I wonder how the director would react if she found out I was responsible for Rex Lapis's death…"
"She can never know!" Jiang Bai sprang to his feet so suddenly he nearly toppled the tea table.
Zhongli's lips curled into an amused smirk. "Since you don't want her to find out, then you'd best behave and do as I say."
Jiang Bai's expression twisted miserably.
If he could go back in time, he'd slap his past self silly for eagerly accepting that [Vision] from Zhongli. He'd been ecstatic at the time—now the price had finally come due.
"What exactly do you want from me? I'm warning you now—I'll never do anything to harm the Director or Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, no matter how you threaten me!"
Zhongli studied him quietly for a moment, a complicated but satisfied expression in his eyes. "You truly care deeply for our director."
This young man might have a strange imagination and an unpredictable temperament, but Zhongli couldn't deny Jiang Bai's unwavering loyalty to Hu Tao.
Still, Zhongli mused silently, loyalty now didn't guarantee loyalty forever. Jiang Bai's memories had yet to return, and the human heart was fickle. Further observation was needed.
Jiang Bai met Zhongli's gaze firmly. "Without the Director, I wouldn't even be here."