They finally arrived in Hermes's territory, a vibrant, open-air domain that hummed with the constant, restless energy of its master. Bridges of pure, solidified light connected floating pavilions, and the air was filled with the soft rustle of scrolls being delivered by swift, silent Wind-Sprites.
Hermes let out a long, weary sigh. "Okay," he said, his voice a low, urgent whisper. "We've wasted a lot of time. We're doing my plan."
He unfurled a large, shimmering map of Olympus onto a nearby marble table. The map was a living thing, its pathways glowing with a soft, golden light, its territories shifting and pulsing with the divine energy of their respective gods.
"So, here is the plan," Hermes began, his usual playful demeanor replaced by the sharp, focused intensity of a master thief. He pointed to a serene, orderly district. "First, appetizers. We go to Athena's olive grove. She's currently locked in a philosophical debate with Hephaestus about whether a perfect gear can truly exist without a purpose. That argument will last for precisely forty-seven minutes. Her guard owls are vigilant, but they're easily distracted by shiny objects. I'll create a simple light illusion of a particularly rare, shimmering scarab beetle. While they're mesmerized, we slip in, grab the sun-ripened olives and a block of her finest spiced feta."
He pointed to a sun-drenched district. "Next, we hit Apollo's kitchen. It's the third lunar cycle, which means his head muse, Calliope, will be completely absorbed in composing a new epic. The kitchen staff will be distracted trying to keep up with her demand for inspirational snacks. We slip in, grab a tray of his famous ambrosia cakes, and we're out."
He then traced a path to a moonlit, silver forest. "Next, the main course. Artemis is on her monthly hunt across the moon, which means her sacred hearth, where she keeps the perfectly smoked celestial venison, is unguarded. The only obstacle is a series of sound-based traps. I will move between the echoes of my own footsteps, a technique that renders me completely silent. You just… try not to breathe too loud."
He pointed at a darker path, a more secluded part of the mountain. "Next, Persephone's winter garden. My Uncle Hades is currently in the middle of his quarterly soul audit, which means she's bored and leaving the back gate to her garden unguarded. We can 'borrow' a few of her enchanted pomegranates. They pair wonderfully with wine."
His finger finally landed on a wild, overgrown territory that seemed to vibrate with a chaotic, festive energy. "And that brings us to the final prize: Dionysus's personal wine cellar. He keeps his best stock behind a door guarded by a perpetually drunk hydra. I have a lullaby that will put it to sleep in seconds. Then, we recite the poem on the door, and we're in."
He looked up, a proud, confident smile on his face. "Get in, get the food, get the wine, get out. No one ever knows we were there. It's a perfect, silent heist." He looked at Jack, his eyes gleaming with the thrill of a well-laid plan. "So? How is it? It's a sound plan, right?"
Jack, who had been listening with an expression of soul-crushing boredom, let out a long, dramatic yawn.
"That sounds… complicated," he said. He then grabbed a large, empty parchment from a nearby scroll rack, uncorked a bottle of ink, and began to draw, his movements the chaotic scrawl of a hyperactive child.
"Here's my suggestion," he announced. He held up the parchment, revealing a terrible, hand-drawn map of Olympus that looked like it had been made by a five-year-old. In one corner, he had meticulously drawn the "Cool S," and in the other, a completely unrelated, but very detailed, drawing of a butt.
"So, here's my better plan," he began, pointing a finger at a crudely drawn stick figure with wings. "First, I transform into a goose. But not just any goose. A golden goose that lays explosive, glitter-filled eggs. I will fly directly to Hera's palace and start redecorating her pristine gardens. This will inevitably draw Ares out, who will try to shoot me. I will then lead him on a wild chase directly through Poseidon's room while he's taking his afternoon nap."
He paused, a wicked glint in his eyes. "This will, of course, wake Poseidon, who will be furious at both of us, creating a massive, public, divine family argument. While the three most powerful gods on Olympus are screaming at each other, you, Hermes, will simply walk into Dionysus's cellar, grab the wine, and walk out. The satyrs will be too busy watching the drama to notice."
He took a deep breath, clearly proud of his next point. "For our getaway, I'll summon a clone. The clone will transform into a giant, wooden goat on wheels. You'll hide inside with the wine. The original me will then 'gift' the Trojan Goat to Hephaestus as an 'apology' for the interruption, claiming it's a new, innovative siege weapon. Hephaestus, being a nerd for mechanics, will wheel it into his forge. You then slip out the back."
He looked up from his masterpiece, his face a mask of pure, unadulterated pride. "And the butt drawing?" he said, tapping it. "After we escape, I'll use my staff to carve this exact image onto the face of Mount Olympus. As a signature. So everyone knows who pulled off the greatest heist in history."
Hermes's eyes twitched. A small, pulsing vein appeared on his temple. He stared at the childish drawing, at the ridiculous, unhinged plan, and felt the first, tell-tale signs of a divine aneurysm.
"That's not a plan, that's a riot!" Hermes hissed, his voice a frantic whisper. "The point of stealing is to not get caught!"
Jack lazily retorted, "The point is to get the food and drinks. Who cares if they know? It's funnier if they do. Kekekeke."
They went back and forth for another minute, a divine argument between meticulous stealth and glorious chaos. Finally, with a long-suffering sigh, Hermes won. They would try his plan first. But Jack made it clear that if things got "boring," he reserved the right to implement "Plan B for 'Bedlam'."
…
Their first stop was Athena's olive grove. True to Hermes's word, the goddess was locked in a deep, philosophical debate with Hephaestus, their voices a distant, intellectual murmur. Hermes raised a hand, and a shimmering, iridescent scarab beetle made of pure light materialized, skittering across the marble floor. The guard owls, their massive, intelligent eyes fixed on the glittering prize, were completely mesmerized.
They slipped into the grove. The air was cool and smelled of ancient earth and sun-ripened olives. Hermes moved like a shadow, grabbing the olives and a block of feta, placing them gently into a small, unassuming bag that seemed to swallow the items whole.
Jack, however, was already bored. He saw one of the glowing owls and decided it looked lonely. He tiptoed over, a mischievous grin on his face. "Here, birdy birdy…"
Hermes, seeing this, moved with a speed that defied physics. He grabbed Jack by the collar and dragged him away just as the owl's head was beginning to turn, its trance broken.
…
Next was Apollo's kitchen. The head muse, Calliope, was in the throes of creation, her voice a booming, epic poem that had the entire kitchen staff running in circles for "inspirational snacks." They slipped in unnoticed. While Hermes expertly snagged a tray of golden ambrosia cakes, Jack's eyes landed on a magnificent golden lyre resting in a corner.
"Ooh," he whispered. "I bet I could play a sick riff on that."
Before he could even touch it, Hermes tackled him to the ground, one hand clamped firmly over Jack's mouth. They grabbed the cakes and were gone before a sous-chef even noticed the slight breeze.
…
Artemis's sacred hearth was next, a silent, moonlit forest. Hermes moved with a grace that was almost supernatural, his feet never making a sound as he weaved between the invisible, sound-based traps. Jack, trying to mimic his silent steps, accidentally stepped on a dry, fallen twig.
Snap.
A low, magical hum began to emanate from the ground. Before the trap could fully trigger, Jack slammed the butt of his staff down, a quick, sharp pulse of his own chaotic energy creating a counter-frequency that canceled out the alarm. He looked at Hermes with a smug, self-satisfied grin. "See? I improved the plan."
Hermes just closed his eyes, a silent prayer for patience on his lips.
…
Persephone's winter garden was the easiest. The back gate was, as predicted, unguarded. They slipped in, the air turning cold and smelling of damp earth and forgotten memories. While Hermes carefully plucked a few of the glowing, jewel-like pomegranates, Jack found a particularly gloomy-looking flower and decided to cheer it up by telling it a terrible joke. The flower, being a plant of the underworld, promptly wilted even further, which Jack found absolutely hilarious.
…
With their Bag of Holding now full of a divine feast, they finally arrived at their last destination: Dionysus's wine cellar.
It was not a simple door. It was a massive, circular stone slab, covered in thick, glowing vines that seemed to breathe with a life of their own. From behind the door, the low, rumbling snores of a very large, very drunk hydra could be heard. The air was thick with the scent of fermented grapes, wild parties, and a hint of monstrous morning breath. This was the final, and most dangerous, part of the heist.
The air at the entrance to Dionysus's cellar was thick enough to drink. It was a heady, intoxicating perfume of ancient, spilled wine, damp earth, and something else… something monstrous. A low, rumbling snore, like a series of small, wet earthquakes, echoed from behind the massive stone door.
"That," Hermes whispered, a grimace on his perfect face, "is Bessie. The guard hydra. She's a sweetheart, really, but she has a terrible case of morning-after breath that lasts for centuries."
The door itself was a work of art. A solid slab of ancient stone, it was covered in a lattice of thick, glowing vines that pulsed with a soft, purple light. They seemed to breathe, to live, their tendrils coiling and uncoiling in a slow, hypnotic rhythm.
Hermes took a deep breath, composing himself. "Alright," he said, his voice dropping into a soft, melodic hum. He began to sing, a gentle, ancient lullaby that spoke of quiet streams and sleepy, sun-drenched fields. The rumbling snores from behind the door softened, the earthquakes subsiding into a gentle, rhythmic purr.
"She's asleep," Hermes whispered, a triumphant glint in his eyes. "Now for the door."
He cleared his throat and began to recite, his voice a perfect, reverent ode to the grape.
"Oh, vine that climbs the sunlit stone,Whose sacred fruit from earth has grown,Whose blood brings joy and casts out fear,I ask that you now grant me—"
"Oh my gods, is this seriously the password?"
The voice, a loud, obnoxious whisper from behind him, shattered the sacred moment. Hermes froze, his poetic trance broken.
"It's a poem of reverence, Jack," he hissed over his shoulder. "It shows respect for the craft!"
"It's a waste of time!" Jack shot back. "What's next, we have to solve a riddle and do a little dance? This isn't a heist; it's a high school poetry slam." He stepped forward, cracking his knuckles with a sound that was far too loud in the quiet cavern. "I've got a better password."
"Jack, no," Hermes said, his voice a desperate plea. "Don't you dare. We're so close."
"My password is 'open sesame,' but with my fist," Jack said cheerfully.
And then, he punched the door.
He didn't just tap it. He put his entire, divine, chaos-fueled weight into a single, explosive blow aimed directly at the glowing, magical lock at the center of the vines.
The result was not a quiet click. It was an explosion.
BOOM.
The ancient stone door, which had stood for millennia, which had been sealed by the very essence of revelry and magic, was blown clean off its hinges. It shot into the cellar like a cannonball, crashing into a rack of priceless, thousand-year-old amphorae with a sound of shattering pottery and wasted dreams.
For a split second, there was a stunned, beautiful silence.
Then, the alarm went off.
It was not a bell. It was not a siren. It was a deafening, chaotic chorus of a hundred drunken satyrs roaring a battle cry, the sound echoing through the very foundations of Olympus. The heist had gone loud.
Hermes stood there, his face a mask of pure, unadulterated horror, covered in a fine layer of ancient stone dust.
Jack, however, was beaming. He dusted off his hands, a triumphant grin on his face.
"See?" he said, his voice full of a terrible, unhinged pride. "My password was faster."
The drunken battle-roar of a hundred satyrs was a sound that could curdle mortal blood. For Hermes, it was the sound of a meticulously crafted plan going horribly, catastrophically wrong.
"This wasn't the plan!" he shrieked, dodging a thrown wine amphora that shattered against the cavern wall behind him. "This is a disaster!"
"KEKEKEKE! See?" Jack cackled, his voice a joyous, unhinged thing in the chaos. "My plan is working perfectly!"
He was thriving. This was his element. As a mob of wild-eyed maenads, their hair tangled with ivy and their teeth bared, charged toward them, Jack didn't run. He danced. He summoned a clone, who immediately started playing a frantic, infectious rhythm on a pair of stolen serving platters. The maenads, their rage momentarily confused by the beat, slowed, their steps turning from a charge into a chaotic, violent mosh pit.
"Grab the wine!" Hermes yelled, his voice a frantic squeak as he vaulted over a charging minotaur.
Jack was already in the cellar, his Bag of Holding open. He wasn't carefully selecting a vintage; he was just grabbing the bottle with the coolest-looking label. "Got it!" he cheered, holding up a dusty, ancient bottle that pulsed with a faint, purple light.
They sprinted out of the cellar, a furious, festive army at their heels. Jack used his Ruyi Jingu Bang as a pogo stick, bouncing off the heads of confused satyrs. He created a dozen more clones, who immediately started a game of tag, leading half the mob on a wild goose chase through the vineyards.
Hermes was just trying to survive. He moved like a blur, a golden streak of pure, panicked speed, weaving through the chaos, his mind screaming a litany of regrets.
They finally ran into a dead end—a grand, open-air amphitheater. And there, lounging on a throne of living grapevines, a goblet of wine in his hand, was Dionysus. He looked not angry, but thoroughly, deeply, and utterly unimpressed.
"Really, Hermes?" the God of Wine asked, his voice a lazy, bored drawl. "All this fuss? You couldn't just ask for a bottle?"
Hermes, his divine hair a mess, his tunic stained with wine and dirt, skidded to a halt. He took a deep breath, smoothed his clothes, and instantly transformed from a panicked fugitive into a smooth, charming diplomat.
"My sincerest apologies for the… vigorousness of our visit, little brother," Hermes said, his voice a silken melody. "My companion is a bit… enthusiastic. But your security is truly legendary! We had to see if the tales were true." He held up the bottle they had stolen. "And this wine… it is said to be the finest on Olympus. Surely a taste is worth a little… festive chaos?"
Dionysus stared at him for a long, silent moment. Then, a slow, amused grin spread across his face. He chuckled, a low, rumbling sound. "You always were a smooth talker, big brother." He waved a dismissive hand. "Fine. Take the bottle. But you owe me a favor. A big one."
As they were being "escorted" out by a group of now-grumbling satyrs, Jack winked at Hermes. While Dionysus was distracted, Jack discreetly plucked a single, glowing peach blossom petal from his sleeve and let it drift onto the arm of the wine god's throne.
Later, after the chaos had settled, Dionysus returned to his cellar to assess the damage. The door was a splintered wreck, and a few priceless amphorae were shattered. But, to his surprise, only one bottle was missing. He was about to laugh it off, impressed by the sheer audacity of the heist, when a panicked satyr ran in, his face pale.
He was holding a goblet, his hand trembling. "My Lord… the wine… it's…"
Dionysus took the goblet. He sniffed. It smelled of grapes, yes, but it lacked the rich, intoxicating aroma of fermentation. He took a sip.
His amused expression slowly curdled into one of pure, unadulterated annoyance. It was non-alcoholic, sparkling grape juice.
He looked around the cellar, at the thousands of priceless, ancient bottles, and a terrible, dawning horror settled in his divine gut. His gaze swept the room, searching for a clue, a trace of the magic used. Then he saw it. Resting on the arm of his throne, almost invisible, was a single, out-of-place peach blossom petal.
He picked it up. It shimmered with a faint, golden light, the residual energy of a divine swap-space spell, infused with a chaotic, mischievous power he had never felt before. The rumors he had heard, the whispers from the other gods… it all clicked into place. There was only one being in the cosmos with this specific brand of unhinged, disrespectful power.
Dionysus threw his head back, and a roar of pure, wine-fueled fury echoed through the heavens.
"JAACCKKK HOOUUU!!"
Back on the path, Hermes let out a long, shaky breath of relief. "I can't believe that worked."
Jack, who had been humming the Mission: Impossible theme to himself, just grinned. "See? My plan was better. We got the wine, and we made it fun."
Hermes just shook his head, too exhausted to argue. They had succeeded, not in spite of their differences, but because of them. One had provided the plan, the other, the chaos. And together, they had pulled off the most ridiculous heist in the history of Olympus.
**A/N**
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**A/N**