I run.
I run, run, run.
To where? I don't know. But I can't stop running now. I need to find a way, a place to escape all of this.
But where?
There's nowhere for me to go.
I have no friends, and the only two people I thought I could put my trust in are no longer reliable.
So.
I run without looking back, nor do I run looking right in front of me.
I race forward with my eyes glued to my feet.
Until I bump into someone.
Until I bump into her.
Emanon.
"Oh, Kiyomi-tan, what a surprise running into you, is what I would have said, but I already knew our paths would cross once more."
Crap. I thought Emanon would be a good person to share what's been going on with, but she tends to speak in riddles. Everything that she says is cryptic, and I don't have the mental fortitude to do gymnastics right now.
"It's getting dark; the sun will go down soon. Care to come in? And I'm not talking about the sex shop; I'm talking about the fortune-telling shop I help out with. By the way, have you given it a name yet?"
"..."
"Not feeling talkative, are we, Kiyomi? That's okay. I can tell by how you look, you've gone through a different type of hell than you did only last week. What's up with you? You survived that, and then throw yourself back into the depths. It's as if you're chasing after trouble.
"No, that's not it. You're chasing after someone. You know, Kiyomi, that if you separate yourself from her, your problem will be resolved. Or perhaps absolved is a better word? Regardless, you don't need to carry her weight. You can treat her like a stranger and pick up your secluded life. Not being involved with anyone or anything. Drifting away, dreaming as if you never once had a thought. Isn't that the life you wish you could go back to?
"..."
Instead of patiently waiting for me to respond, which I've shown no sign of doing, Emanon pulls out a cigarette from her pocket and puts it between her lips. But she doesn't light it. She pulls out a lighter and hovers the flame close to it, but she refuses to light it.
"You know, Kiyomi, not all sources of heat are beneficial. They say that humans became more intelligent because our ancestors learned to utilize fire to cook food, and that cooked food, being nutritious and all, allowed us to become smarter. But was that for the better? If we were mindless animals, you wouldn't be suffering right now. But also, you wouldn't have grown close to those whom you appreciate, even if they bring you troubles.
"This flame that I hold can light this cigarette, and with its medicinal effects, can soothe me. But, in the long wrong, it can also cause me great harm.
"Mankind feared the dark, so he lit the edges with fire. But when he saw what hid inside, he wished he hadn't.
"Still, some kept scraping away the dark—neither brave nor cowardly. Why do you think that is, Kiyomi-tan?
I take a moment to reflect on her words. As confusing as they are, for some reason, they bring me a sense of calmness.
"They kept scraping at the edges of darkness—not because they were brave, but because they feared not knowing more than they feared the truth"
Emanon smiles. Not a smile meant to tease me. But a smile that was simply worn to express her joy.
"What are you more afraid of, Kiyomi? Are you more afraid of knowing or not knowing? Are you more fearful of the truth or what is not the truth?
"Kiyomi, there are countless ways for a person to live their life. But each person lives their life, walks down the path they've been paving since birth, in only one sort of way. But they are unaware of where they're going, and although, by an objective standpoint, it seems like that's all they could do, in reality, in our reality, the possibilities are endless. There's no reality other than the one we experience."
There's no reality other than the one we experience.
That's why—
"That's why you must try your best to create to most optimal outcome. Living sucks. But it doesn't always have to. You need to take advantage of different sources of heat, but try your best not to get burned. Or, at the very least, try not to hurt yourself badly.
"There are plenty of things that I know, and plenty more things that I don't know. But I'm not afraid of the unknown. All I am is eager to turn the unknown into what is known." Emanon finishes. And as she does, she finally lights her cigarette, but doesn't inhale the smoke. She kills the flame with two fingers and throws away the cigarette in a nearby trash bin.
"Kiyomi," Emanon picks back up, "I'm certain that you'll continue making mistakes. And that's okay, as long as you learn something from them. That's the important thing: to make sure that you learn from everything that happens to you. I won't give you the answer to resolve your problems of today, but just now, I'll support you no matter what. I can't save you, but I'll do what I can to help you. Whether it be words of encouragement or letting you know that I'm here for you. I hope that satisfies you."
I can't muster up the strength to let her know that it is enough, but the woman who knows everything probably already knows.
"I think this is a perfect close for now," Emanon begins to end our meeting. "I don't have any dirty magazines to lend you, but if you survive? I'll get you the filthiest one I can find.
"Your reward for choosing to live—trashy, dumb joy. The kind that makes no sense, but helps anyway."
The smoke from the cigarette still lingers, and its scent is neither settling nor unsettling. It just is.