MO XI HAD REALIZED something was wrong with Gu Mang a long time ago. It was just that after each round of questioning, Gu Mang insisted he was fine. Mo Xi truly didn't want anything to happen between them that shouldn't. Although he was fully aware of what was going on, he did nothing.
But the straw hut was too small. He couldn't stop himself from glancing again and again at that man curled up in the corner, as far away from Mo Xi as he could manage. He knew Gu Mang was unwell and trying to hide it. He'd even noticed when Gu Mang's hand started to move.
In Mo Xi's eyes, Gu Mang had really let go of the past, and really wanted nothing more to do with him. So—even this dissolute army ruffian who'd once laughed and said, It's just sleeping together, it's good as long as both people enjoy it, would rather suffer in silence and touch himself than reveal his arousal to Mo Xi.
This man could smile at Jiang Yexue and speak nicely with Murong Chuyi. He could even be warm and soft to the little bird he brought back mere hours ago. It was only toward Mo Xi he was cold.
Gu Mang had really let go of him.
Mo Xi wanted to pretend he hadn't seen anything. The pathetic scrap of self-respect and pride he retained urged him to turn aside. But when he heard Gu Mang's suppressed, painful panting…
He couldn't bear it.
In the end, even he didn't know what he was feeling as he rose and approached that curled-up silhouette, bending down and taking him into his arms.
Gu Mang's instant flinch of surprise and muted groan set Mo Xi's heart trembling. Mo Xi steeled himself, then resolutely broke his vow not to touch Gu Mang again; he took that pitiable shaft into his hand. Gu Mang unthinkingly pressed back into Mo Xi's chest, his jaw tilting, his neck arching. "Don't…don't…"
"Close your eyes. Just pretend it isn't me." Mo Xi's voice was low and husky.
Gu Mang's brow furrowed, words stuck in his throat. His body was in such a fragile state, but his soul remained unyielding. He wanted to say, How could it be anyone but you?
It's always been you. Mo Xi, only you…
But in the end, this unspeakable love could only ever be just that: something he wanted to say and nothing more. One thought the other had severed all ties, and the other thought his own heart made of iron and steel. Each had their reasons, both unwilling to open their hearts to each other again. It didn't matter—passion and desire were a bottomless abyss, and they had already stepped into that nothingness long ago, tumbling endlessly downward. It was all darkness, and the only thing they could hold onto was each other.
Mo Xi's hand started moving, and the last of Gu Mang's resistance collapsed. The final mote of clarity he had was just enough to keep him from calling Mo Xi's name in the heat of passion. He was like a beast trapped in the sea of desire, struggling desperately to free himself from this cage of bygone love, but there was no escape. Mo Xi knew him too well; he stirred the fire within him too easily, weakening his limbs, drawing moans from his lips. Gu Mang threw his head back, panting in Mo Xi's embrace.
His disappointing flesh, so prone to tears, had already allowed his eyes to redden, their slender corners misty with unshed tears. He trembled all over, slack in Mo Xi's arms. Clinging to that last thread of rationality, he hoarsely cried, "L-let go of me…"
His tone was harsh, but his voice was surpassingly soft, quavering like it might melt. He'd meant it to be a fierce rebuke, yet it left his mouth as an unintelligible moan. "Please, let go…"
In the end, Gu Mang's cries devolved into pathetic begging. Heaven only knew how much agony he was in, forced to take control of his love at the same time as he wrestled with his primal desire. He'd lost his memories, walked down a path of no return, and had two souls carved out of him. He didn't know how long he could keep the awareness the Time Mirror had returned to him; he didn't know if this clarity the heavens had bestowed in pity would be taken from him just as easily. He had lost so much. The man behind him was the last bit of light and warmth he had to hold.
But still he restrained himself. "Let…let me go…" Gu Mang cried brokenly.
Let me go; don't come closer. I've been tempered with bestial blood, but I'm still human. I would still feel unwilling, I would still regret the path I chose. But I can't turn back, so please…stop torturing me… All that lies before me is a frigid night. Your warmth will make me hesitate, will keep me from moving forward.
I'm already a traitor. Mo Xi, I don't want to be a coward too…
As Mo Xi held him, he too was in pain. Between the two of them, who was supposed to let go? Who was supposed to release the other? Since Gu Mang didn't want Mo Xi to touch him, Mo Xi had uttered that pathetic line, Just pretend it isn't me. And yet Gu Mang still rejected him. This jolt of pain made Mo Xi loosen his grip.
Like a swallow freed, Gu Mang startled up from the ground and made a valiant attempt to get to his feet so he could put some distance between himself and Mo Xi. But the demon blood was surging inside him, and his desire clouded everything. He felt weak, utterly sapped of strength. After unsteadily lifting his shoulders, he fell right back into the straw.
How many unknown pairs of demons had coupled in this hut? The golden straw was suffused with a sharp musk. A muffled whimper issued from Gu Mang's throat. He turned over, his clear blue eyes wide and vacant.
He watched Mo Xi stand up, and he saw his own reflection in Mo Xi's eyes.
This was honestly pathetic. He knew what a sight he was, while here was Mo Xi, still so properly attired; even his lapels remained neatly folded. The fragrance's effects were roiling stronger and stronger inside Gu Mang. He knitted his brows in pain. Lifting a hand to ward him off, he began, "You…" He wanted to say, You need to go away, stop looking. But the dry heat was rushing upward. He bit down on his lip and didn't finish his sentence.
Mo Xi misunderstood; he thought Gu Mang had reached out to pull him closer, and took hold of Gu Mang's hand.
It was like lava bursting through rock at long last. The whisper of skin against skin finally broke Gu Mang's self-imposed shackles; he had been strained to his very limit. With this touch, human reason yielded to demon blood.
He couldn't get up—instead he dragged Mo Xi down. Caught off guard, Mo Xi fell heavily on top of him; their combined weight sank into the soft straw. Gu Mang arched his neck and grimaced, a muted groan issuing from his throat. He was shaking unbearably. As he pressed close to Mo Xi, he could feel that long-lost desire, that terrifying hardness, pressing into his abdomen through both their clothes.
Whatever remaining strength he had fled. His lips quivered, and his blue eyes glimmered with shattered light. He had managed to say let go of me earlier, but the intense, bestial lust in him now burned redhot, dyeing the rims of his eyes scarlet. He could only gaze at Mo Xi's handsome face and bite his lip, unable to say a thing.
Instinct made him sincere, urged him to speak the truth. All these years, after all these years… He had done countless ruthless deeds and walked countless bloody roads. He had abandoned everything, save for Mo Xi. Gu Mang hadn't abandoned Mo Xi; he had cut himself away from him. Holding the knife, inch by inch, he'd carved into his own flesh and dug Mo Xi out of his heart.
Only after he'd come out of the Mirror with those lost memories did he truly reunite with Mo Xi. When he'd seen Mo Xi amid that bloody rain, his heart had raced frantically, but he buried it all beneath callous apathy.
But how could that be the honest truth? He loved him so much, missed him so much. He missed him in the barracks, missed him in battle, missed him in every plaintive melody. In the depths of his shattered memories, he loved him, cherished him, and longed for him.
He tore into his lip viciously, tears shining in his eyes. It was partly because of this tortuous desire, but even more because he really had been destroyed so utterly. He wanted more than anything to be recklessly selfish for once. He wanted to say, Just fuck me, okay? Fuck me. Please… Save me, I've been soaking in a sea of blood for eight years… Will you hold me again…?
Oh, I missed you, Mo Xi… After I cut you out of my heart, that scar never healed.
Gu Mang blinked, feeling something wet and hot spill from his eyes and drip into his hair. Mo Xi reached out to touch his face, but he snatched Mo Xi's hand. Mustering all his strength and awareness, he rasped, "Fuck me…"
He saw something flash in Mo Xi's eyes, a light that had nothing to do with lust.
Gu Mang felt as if his heart was being cut out, as if he was being cooked alive. He closed his eyes and swallowed. "I will…pretend…" Those fingers around Mo Xi's wrist were shaking, shaking. "I will… pretend you're…someone else."
He opened his eyes to see that the spark in Mo Xi's gaze had gone out. In its place was a frost that could chill one to the bone. He looked deeply wounded. But just as Gu Mang was accustomed to using laughter to hide his heart, his little shidi Mo Xi had finally learned to use coldness to hide his feelings. His Mo Xi would never again be the youth who rushed to confess his love on a snowy night.
Neither could return to who they used to be.
In those black eyes, pain sank beneath the ice that floated up. "As you wish." Mo Xi ground the words between his teeth.
Gu Mang felt himself flipped over with a terrifying brusqueness. A hand pressed him face down in the straw. This position…and this setting. It was purely a physical release. It had nothing to do with love.
The aphrodisiac had left Gu Mang achingly sensitive; his skin bloomed red in the wake of Mo Xi's touch. He kept his head down amid the golden stalks, his face pillowed on one soft cheek as he struggled for breath. His mind was a morass. He felt Mo Xi unceremoniously tear off his clothes; his hands seemed to move with vengeance, or with rage. Before he removed Gu Mang's underclothes, Mo Xi pressed against him through that final thin layer, hot as a brand, and viciously thrust forward.
"Ah…!" Gu Mang gasped aloud at that feeling he'd craved for so long, crying out hoarsely as his fingers clenched around a handful of straw. How useless he was, this man who had been losing and losing since the battle of Phoenix Cry Mountain—to the imperial court, to political machinations—and now he was losing to desire.
Mo Xi unfastened his own black-iron belt buckle with a crisp click. "Imagine whomever you'd like."
Gu Mang buried his face in the pile of straw, unable to say a single word. He hardened against his will at Mo Xi's touch. Mo Xi picked him up and sat him between his legs, facing away, that thin layer of underclothes the last thing separating them. Mo Xi's cock was already fully erect, pressing menacingly between Gu Mang's thighs but not yet forcing its way in. He held Gu Mang in his lap as he caressed his feverish and sensitive body from behind. Rough hands pulled Gu Mang's lapels aside and pinched at his hardened nipples.
"Ah…" Gu Mang panted, caged between Mo Xi's legs. He couldn't help the hoarse moan that spilled from him, but just as he gasped, Mo Xi's fingers pushed into his mouth.
They'd engaged in plenty of outlandish acts in the past. Back then, Gu Mang had coaxed Mo Xi along and taught him, step by step. So many years had passed, but Mo Xi hadn't forgotten these lessons. He was only abstaining from sex; he wasn't all that innocent. It was just that he'd long ago chosen a certain person and had no desire to sleep with anyone else.
Those fingers curled into Gu Mang's mouth and pressed down on his tongue, sliding rhythmically in and out in an unmistakable cadence. That stiffened cock beneath him was also thrusting again and again against his underclothes. At each motion Gu Mang let out a muted groan. The demon blood in his body made him more sensitive; his pants were already growing damp.
He hazily tried to turn, to glimpse the man he loved so deeply. But Mo Xi removed his own pitch-black hair ribbon and bound it over Gu Mang's eyes.
"You…"
"I'm sure you'll feel better if you don't have to see my face."
Long lashes trembled beneath the ribbon. Gu Mang didn't know what kind of expression Mo Xi wore when he said these words; he hadn't time to consider it before he was pushed into the soft straw. He felt coolness on his lower half; Mo Xi had torn away that final layer of clothing.
Gu Mang swallowed thickly. He couldn't think anymore, his mind was blank, but this wasn't a comfort to him—his need was about to be satisfied, but his sanity was on the verge of destruction.
Mo Xi didn't kiss him, nor did he lovingly caress him. In the past, Mo Xi had always approached Gu Mang with adoration; this was the first time he'd ever simply stripped Gu Mang's clothes and taken out his cock to press it between his legs. The wetness at its tip slicked over his entrance, rubbing back and forth…
"Why are you shaking so much?"
Gu Mang couldn't respond. Mo Xi was holding him from behind, but Gu Mang's legs felt completely boneless; he was pushing his body to its limit just to stay upright. He wasn't trembling from pleasure, or out of fear. He and Mo Xi had made love so many times; he could still feel the ghost of it, regardless of how many years had passed.
His mouth wobbled. "It's fine," Gu Mang forced himself to say.
But when Mo Xi touched the ribbon that covered his eyes, he found it soaked with tears. "…Does it bother you so much to be with me?"
Gu Mang's teeth sank into his wet lower lip. He couldn't see, but he could feel Mo Xi take hold of his jaw, forcing him to turn his head. His lips were so close Gu Mang could feel every breath. "Even though the aphrodisiac got you into this state, you still don't want to do this with me. Is that right?"
Only silence answered him.
"Gu Mang," Mo Xi continued. "How you must loathe me."
He picked up Gu Mang and laid him face up, back in the hay. Gu Mang didn't know what was happening; he reached up to pull the ribbon off and felt his wrist yanked back down.
Mo Xi had been driven crazy. He was such an upright person, but his suppressed emotions twisted his voice almost past recognition. He didn't let Gu Mang touch the ribbon. Instead, he lifted Gu Mang's legs and bent to pin him beneath his body.
Gu Mang had nearly bitten through his lip to silence himself, yet the press of that firm and hot chest still wrung a tiny, broken whimper from him. Mo Xi brought the wet tip of his cock to Gu Mang's soft, quivering entrance, nudging against it but not pushing in. Very quickly, Gu Mang could bear no more. "M-Mo Xi…" he gasped impatiently.
"Are you sure you want to call my name?"
Gu Mang swallowed hard. Even his toes were curled tight. "You…ah…!"
The tip of that burning shaft breached him, and Gu Mang arched his back and cried out. Demon beasts frequently coupled with no regard for sex, and Gu Mang's tempered body possessed certain of their traits—his hole could secrete the same thick fluid as the demon tribe.
Mo Xi clenched his jaw. "How are you…so wet…"
He was wet, he could feel it. Gu Mang panted for breath. His entrance was already ridiculously soft and slick. Mo Xi had only thrust the head halfway in, but his hole was already sucking thirstily at Mo Xi's cock. When Mo Xi moved, soft, wet sounds issued from where they were joined. Gu Mang shivered with the thrill of it.
"I-inside… H-hurry up…" Gu Mang was almost sobbing.
"Who are you thinking of?"
Gu Mang whimpered. "I can't take anymore…"
Even a gentleman could be driven insane. Mo Xi had never considered himself a gentleman, and Gu Mang…well, he had really pushed him too far. After barely entering, Mo Xi pulled out again. Gu Mang's legs wrapped limply around Mo Xi's trim waist, shaking and helpless.
"Is it Lu Zhanxing, or someone you met in the Liao Kingdom, or…" Mo Xi gritted his teeth. "That black-clad man who convinced you to defect inside the Time Mirror?"
"No…" Gu Mang's chest heaved. "No…no…"
"Or is it the man who gave you that brocade pouch—the one I've never even heard of?"
Dazed and near tears, Gu Mang mumbled, "I don't know…" as if he hadn't heard a single word Mo Xi said. "I don't know…"
He'd been pushed to the edge of his endurance, his cock painfully hard. Any more and he wouldn't know if Mo Xi was helping him with the poison or aggravating his torture. "Stop asking me…" Gu Mang hoarsely cried, his hands scrabbling for purchase. Finding Mo Xi's wrist, his fingers closed around it in an iron grip. "Come in… Fuck me… It…it hurts…"
Neither of them made a sound.
Just as Gu Mang became convinced that Mo Xi would abandon him, his legs were viciously yanked upward.
Mo Xi didn't know if he was doing this for his own pride, for Gu Mang's feelings, or so that two people with inseparable hearts whom fate had sundered could finally find a hard-won excuse to lose themselves in each other. The truth was, in the depths of their hearts, they had yearned for such an excuse for a very long time.
"Tonight is only to help you with the poison. Don't…" Mo Xi paused. "Don't think of it as anything more."