"Family… friends… loved ones. Why… why can't I remember?"
Ezren was shocked.
He couldn't remember their faces.
He couldn't remember their names.
He couldn't remember their existence.
But logically they had to exist since it was impossible for Ezren to have lived a life completely devoid of friends and family.
In fact, now that he thought about it, he noticed that he couldn't remember anyone at all. The first interaction with a human he could remember was his meeting with Sarah and Alexia.
'How is that possible? How can I not remember anyone?
Are… are there other things I have forgotten as well?'
Ezren was shaking all over his body and he was certain that he would have passed out once again if he still had the ability to do so. The others were trying to talk to him, asking him questions, but he could not hear them.
'How is it possible that I didn't notice the gaps in my memory until now?
No! Wait, it makes sense that I didn't notice until now. How could I possibly think about something I have forgotten unless other people remind me of it.
But that makes the earlier question even more important. Are there other memories I am missing?
Have I forgotten other important information?'
Ezren signed in resignation.
'It seems I am truly broken in every sense. Incomplete memories, broken psyche and even my emotions don't work properly anymore.
Should I just end it?'
Then suddenly Ezren was pulled out of his dark thoughts by a burning pain in his cheek.
His eyes regained their focus, and he saw Alexia standing before him, her right arm still raised from slapping him.
"Can you hear me now Ezren? What is going on?"
Ezren didn't answer for a few seconds and just when Alexia was prepared to slap him again, he started chuckling. Everyone could tell that there was no genuine happiness in this chuckle.
"Hahahah, no need to worry about me. I am just going a bit crazy because this is all way too much for me. Don't mind me I will be… fine if I just calm down a bit…probably."
Alexia did not believe that he would be 'fine' after he calmed down, in fact she didn't think that Ezren believed so either. But what could she do?
It was not like they could provide Ezren with any professional psychological help in this situation, unless one of the people presents was a psychologist, but she doubted that.
She also knew that there were secrets Ezren was not sharing with them, otherwise she could not understand why Ezren had a complete mental breakdown in the last few hours.
It all started when he went out to search for survivors, but he refused to share what had really happened at that time and she had neither the right nor the ability to force him to talk about it.
"Alright. Just take it easy for a while and talk to one of us if there is anything we can do for you."
"Wait a second," Sarah interjected "I may be able to help you a bit."
Everyone looked at Sarah in confusion and anticipation.
"I can use my skill to simulate the effect of a calming medicine and an antidepressant on you if you want to."
After a short deliberation Ezren sighed.
"Sure, I doubt it can make my situation any worse than it already is so why not?"
Sarah then proceeded to place her hand on Erzen's arm and concentrated for a few minutes.
Nobody could see anything, but Ezren could feel a gentle and warm Energy enter his body and then disperse quickly. This happened a few times until Sarah removed her hand from his arm. She looked a lot more exhausted than before.
"I am finished the effects should start in a few minutes, as a side effect you will probably become really tired which will also allow you to fall asleep soon."
"Thank you."
After that the group once again focused on the discussion of their future plans. Ezren listened to them every now and then but was more focused on his own thoughts. While the medication Sarah had given him definitely had some positive effect it could not really suppress the horror and desperation Ezren was feeling.
He had lost everything in a matter of hours!
'My precious memories? Gone!
My confidence? Gone!
My hope for a better future? Gone!
My humanity? Gone!
So, what do I even have left? Why should I continue to stay alive.'
While he was seriously considering committing suicide, he suddenly felt a weight in his pocket disappear.
Confused, he looked into his pocket and found nothing. The small iron sphere he had created earlier had disappeared.
Why did it disappear? Did it disappear completely, or did it turn back into mana? Why did it only happen after multiple hours passed?
In this moment Ezren remembered his own passion towards research and science. He remembered his near infinite curiosity when he was faced with things he could not understand.
This was something worth living for was it not?
'There are so many things to explore and understand.
Why did the train crash?
What caused the anomaly that happened to the barriers?
Why did the world change so suddenly?
In what ways did this new world operate differently from before?
What had happened in the time before recorded history?
What secrets lie in the wild regions and abandoned regions?
And I will find out the answers to all those questions and many more. If that is not something worth living for, then I don't know what is.'
He knew that exploring the world and finding answers to those questions was an enormous goal that would take him years or maybe decades to complete. If he even managed to stay alive long enough to complete this goal at all that is.
The world in its current state was clearly very dangerous, not to mention the wild or abandoned regions where nothing could survive. In the entire history no one had ever managed to explore those regions.
Ezren knew that this goal was pretty much impossible and that he would most likely die if he tried to pursue it. The whole idea was madness, but so what?
What was the worst thing that could happen? He could and most likely would die if he pursued this goal, but would that really be worse than being alive without anything to live for?
Of course not! If he was prepared to live such a life he wouldn't have considered suicide in the first place.
A faint smile appeared on Ezren's face. He was still broken and desperate, but he had gained a goal and thus also regained a bit of hope, which was perhaps the most important thing that he had lost.
'Now back to the newest question, why did the metal sphere disappear? And will the hammer disappear as well?'
Ezren stood up and walked over to the others his eyes now filled with an almost obsessive focus.
"Alexia, can you give me back my hammer?"
Alexia looked at him with a bit of suspicion. Who wouldn't if a mentally unstable person suddenly asked for a weapon?
"Sure…" she answered reluctantly and handed him the hammer. She had no right to deny his request since it was in fact his hammer, but she decided to watch Ezren carefully in case he tried to harm himself or others with it.
Upon receiving the hammer Ezren just sat down again and looked at the hammer curiously. He just sat there doing nothing but staring at the hammer for multiple minutes.
Alexia was becoming more and more uneasy.
'Has he truly gone insane? He asked for the hammer just to stare at it?'
Nothing happened for a short while until the hammer suddenly disappeared leaving only a piece of cloth behind.
Alexia was a bit relieved, at least Ezren was not planning to harm anyone with the hammer. But she was now even more worried about Ezren mental health. Why would he just stare at the hammer and then suddenly decide to destroy or rather dismiss it?
Ezren did not notice her strange gaze.
'The hammer disappeared on its own as well and it did not disappear into nothingness, but instead turned into the kind of mana I cannot control. The process is pretty much identical to the one that took place when I actively turned a sphere of iron back into mana.
The only difference between the two situations is that in one scenario I start the process while the other starts naturally after some time.
So, what is the trigger that I can cause manually but also happens over time.
Hmmm… Is it my 'will'?
When I use my skill I 'will' the mana to change into matter. This 'will' of mine might be preserved in the matter holding it together.
Once this 'will' disappears the matter turns back into mana. Since this mana no longer carries my 'will' I can't control it.
Based on this theory I can conclude that I can manually eliminate my 'will' inside of a created object thus turning it back into mana immediately. And that my 'will' inside of a created object will naturally disappear over time.
Which leads me to the question of whether I can somehow infuse more 'will' into an object to extend the time before it turns back into mana?
I also noticed that the hammer disappeared earlier than it should have. I created the hammer quite a bit later compared to the iron sphere, but it disappeared only a few minutes after the iron sphere meaning that the hammer existed for less time compared to the iron sphere.
What could the reason for that be?
Did I infuse less 'will' into the hammer while making it?
No, that doesn't make sense. If anything, I was more dedicated to creating the hammer than to creating the iron sphere and it should thus contain more of my 'will'!?
Then did the 'will' contained in the hammer disappear faster because Alexia used it, or because it was further away from me in general?
Let's make some tests.'
Ezren then created four tiny identical iron spheres using one mana each. Then he placed one in his pocket, gave one to Lily and placed one into the furthest corner of the train cart.
Then he tried to infuse additional 'will' into the last one. Since he had no idea how to use his 'will' he just tried to command the iron sphere to last longer, the same way he did when transmuting mana into matter.
Since he could not tell if this had any effect, he just repeated the same procedure every half an hour.
______________
Two hours later.
By now everyone but Alexia and Ezren had fallen asleep, which was quite weird considering that Ezren was supposed to fall asleep fast due to the medication he received. Alexia noticed that as well and, after some deliberation, decided to ask Ezren about it.
"Ezren, are you not tired? Sarah said that her medicine would make your tired and that sleep might help your psyche."
"Surprisingly, I am not tired at all." Ezren answered with a faint smile.
"Alright then." Alexia just accepted it since she was used to Ezren hiding things about himself by now.
'He probably has another skill other than the one that allows him to create weapons. That skill is likely the reason why he isn't tired and why he had no wounds even though his clothes were ripped apart.'
Ezren had already figured out that he no longer had to and simply couldn't sleep anymore some time ago. He had kind of expected it, since sleeping was not too different from falling unconscious and it wouldn't make much sense for one of the two to work while the other didn't.
What surprised him a bit, however, was that he also no longer had any need to eat or drink which also resulted in him not needing to excrete. This was a pleasant surprise which made him partly appreciate his new race.
He had also tried out if he was still able to taste food by eating a tiny piece of bread and was relieved to discover that he could still taste and enjoy food. But he would not eat anything in the foreseeable future since the group's food was limited and the others, unlike him, still needed to eat if they wanted to live.
Besides, he was not really in a mental state where he would gain any enjoyment from eating no matter how delicious it was.
_______________
Two hours later.
By now it was deep in the night and Ezren was the only one who was still awake. It was once again time for his repeating task. He stood up and walked to the far corner of the train cart to check on the iron sphere he had placed there.
It was gone!
Excitedly he walked over towards the sleeping Lily and, while being as silent as possible, checked on the iron sphere that he had given to her. He came just in time to see it turn into mana and disappear.
'So what matters is indeed the distance the object has from me. The sphere furthest away from me disappeared after a little less than four hours. While the one I gave to Lily disappeared after slightly more than four hours. Meanwhile the two I have in my pocket are still there.'
He then continued his routine and tried to infuse his 'will' into one of the spheres in his pocket.
After about two more hours both spheres in his pocket disappeared at the same time.
'It seems that I was unable to increase or refresh the amount of 'will' inside the sphere. Meaning that I am either doing it wrong or that I simply can't infuse additional will into matter after creating it.
Since I have no idea what I could do differently to infuse 'will' into the sphere I will assume that it is simply impossible for me to do so for now.
Those are all the experiments I wanted to do for now and I still have to save up a bit more mana for tomorrow.'
Since it would still take a few hours for the others to wake up Ezren decided to use this time to improve his mana-control by moving mana through his body. It was also a welcome distraction from his morbid thoughts.
_______________
Just when the sky was starting to brighten announcing the coming of the next day, Ezren saw a new screen appear before him.
[Your skill: Basic Mana control (Lv. 1 -> Lv. 2) has leveled up.]
'What a nice surprise to start the new day.'
He tried and failed to form a genuine smile while he watched the world become brighter through the window.
(A/N: I am sorry for not uploading any chapters for a while. I fell seriously ill, and I don't know when I will be able to return to a regular upload schedule. There will be another chapter tomorrow, but I can't promise anything after that.)