I came out from between the pillows with the feeling that I hadn't slept at all. If at any point during the night I had closed my eyes, it had been from exhaustion, not from pleasure. As usual, the servants waited outside my room, orderly, silent, with that vacant look, afraid to breathe too loudly. Doina was the one who gently touched my shoulder to wake me fully. It's curious that, out of my three children, she is the only one I haven't lost yet. She alone holds up this world that's collapsing on me.
Once I was awake, they came in and helped me dress, following the same routine as always lifting the fabrics, adjusting my waist, placing the jewelry. Today I wore the necklace my children gave me three years ago, back when they still gave gifts… back when there was still an "I love you, Mom." I cried less than last night, at least for me that was an achievement, though a small one. Perhaps because I was still carrying the exhaustion from having spent hours in front of half the guild, pretending authority, watching that boy, Neo, operate the printing presses as if it were the most natural thing in the world, forcing myself to appear calm when everything seemed chaotic. And then that bastard woman, the university director who had the insolence to demand another press from me. Demand. From me. Who does she think she is? Each one already costs me a jewel. Bah. Trash.
Doina interrupted my thoughts, she wanted to braid my hair herself and chat a little while creating delicate, beautiful braids, like the ones she made when she was smaller and still believed I was invincible. She, at least, didn't come out as… twisted as her siblings. When she looks at me with those eyes that can't lie, I wonder what will become of her when the letters I fear every night arrive. The letters with the royal seal confirming her brother's deaths.
I got into the carriage ready to go to the carpenter's guild, and Corlen, as always, decided to advise me or tell me what I should do.
— Corlen — My lady, stay away from the boy, don't let him talk to you so much. His words affect you too much, you are not acting as usual, you are different. ―
I nodded out of habit. Inside, I was boiling with rage. What could he possibly know? I'm tired of everyone trying to pull my strings as if I were still my husband's puppet… Not anymore. I am the marchioness, I am the one in command, he's gone. If I want to listen to that boy, I will, and that's it.
When we arrived at the carpenter's guild, where the boy was already working, he dropped everything to prepare to leave with us as soon as he saw me. He placed his hands on two presses and stored them in his dimensional pocket.
First, we went back to the doctor's guild to deliver the second press we owed them. The visit was quick and, thankfully, no one was crying, bleeding, or dying. I was grateful that no disaster was in sight. It was my last brief breath of the day. Neo explained a few things, everyone nodded contentedly, and we left.
We returned to the carpenter's guild (for the second time) for two more presses. Since the guilds are relatively close to each other, Neo wanted to walk. The path, however, felt slow to me, as if every step thickened the air.
At the tailor's guild, Lioren, the master, and Tarnik, the sub-master, welcomed us with smiles. Neo, as usual, explained how the presses work, talked about patterns using the letters "o" and "x" to create new forms. Everyone seemed fascinated, the boy's creativity leaves no one indifferent, and that new way of using something that already exists who would have thought letters could form floral patterns?
I was already tired of hearing the same explanations over and over. I moved away, looking for a place to sit, but found none, so I kept walking among the tables to avoid collapsing. And during that walk among fabrics and needles, I saw her.
A woman sewing clumsily, without thumbs. She held the needle as best she could. She pulled the fabric any which way. Next to her, another woman was attending to her explanation. I stayed watching her longer than usual. Despite her condition, the dress she was finishing was beautiful. There was dignity in the way she held the needle, as if refusing to give up, as if it were her last act of respect for herself.
At the end of the explanation, Neo and Lioren left the printing room, and with all the calm in the world, as if it were nothing, Lioren told me that the woman had once been one of the best, but about two years ago some boys attacked her, raped… well, and cut off her fingers. All of it because her son owed them a silver coin. A mere silvercoin caused so much suffering. What kind of world is this? I felt my whole being recoil at the story, as if my body refused to take it in any further.
Back to the carpenter's guild, once again. That back-and-forth was starting to feel like a punishment. They prepared two more presses for us, and we set off to the next guild, as if I were a pack mule for this dress. Mateo recommended we go to the builder's guild because he had just been there and was sure the master would be present.
At the builder's guild, Tony, the master, greeted us with a back aching from work. While Neo explained the press, I moved aside to find a place to rest a little among the scaffolding and tools. The smell of damp wood wrapped around me, and that's when I saw hima man with one leg, leaning on an improvised crutch, lifting planks onto a cart. Not one, not two… he lifted them one after another without stopping, as if he were twenty years old, as if missing a leg were a minor inconvenience. No one helped him, no one seemed to think he needed help. He just kept going, as if carrying his entire life in that effort.
Something burned in my chest. I thought of Amisair as a child, trembling in that very particular way, all because his father yelled at him for misusing the sword. And I, I did nothing then, I had to act as the marchioness, not as a mother. How ironic I have two legs and a thousand comforts, and yet watching that man work without rest despite his shortcomings, it hurt me.
When Tony went out to get paper, I asked about the man. He told me he was a hunter, but one day a monster attacked him by surprise and took his leg. Now he has no choice, as he is father to three girls and his wife weaves baskets to make ends meet. The story lodged in my mouth like a hook.
Back to the carpenter's guild. Again. Another couple of presses. My back was already protesting, I felt like I couldn't breathe, and the day had barely begun.
Naturally, we went to another guild, this time the hunters. Justo and Luthen, master and sub-master, welcomed Neo as if he were their best friend. I stepped aside, I couldn't take another explanation about machines.
And there I found a child, sharpening knives, small… too small, barely able to hold the sharpening stone. I approached because I couldn't help it.
— What are you doing here? — I asked, sounding firmer than I intended. He looked up, fearful and thin as a stick.
— The boy — I work to feed my little sister. — He replied, turning to show me the baby. He carried her tied to his back with cloth, a girl almost a year old.
— And your parents? —
— The boy — Mom died when my sister was born, and Dad went hunting before she was born… and didn't come back — He said, trying not to cry.
I felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach. A childhood so harsh and unprotected. A child forced to be a parent before even being allowed to be a child. A concentrated version of all the day's miseries, in a body barely reaching my waist. Where do they sleep? What do they eat? Who protects them? And then I thought of my children. Of how I left them in the care of nannies. Of how I allowed them to grow up alone, even when I was a meter away. Neo finished the explanations and, seeing me with the boy, handed him a coin while winking. The boy brightened and put the coin away, not without first looking around.
Back to the carpenter's guild. I was no longer walking, in fact, I dragged my feet as if my own thoughts weighed more than the dress. My head was full of images of misfortune, missing legs, and children who should not be alone.
At the runic craftsmen's guild, Camerestunos, the Camer welcomed us with a kind smile and a table set for tea. I accepted because I needed to sit down or I would have fainted. Inside, it smelled of wood and herbs. It was a humble place, full of life. While Neo explained the press, I took a small walk between the tables. And I saw him an old man of about seventy years, maybe older, working with trembling hands, shaping clay with impressive precision. His mouth was closed in a strange way… until I understood he had neither teeth nor tongue. The Camer returned with Neo and told me, with complete naturalness, as if it meant nothing.
— The Camer — His father cut it out when he was a child for crying too much. Your ladyship's grandfather executed the father afterwards… but the child was left alone. He has worked here since he was twelve. You yourself own vases made by him, those blue ones in the entrance hall. —
I stared at the old man as if I were seeing a ghost, or my own past. A child punished for crying, a childhood ripped from its roots. All because of me or my family. I couldn't help picturing those beautiful vases in the hall. I remember perfectly when my husband brought them to me as an apology for spending the whole night with some woman. The vases I cared for so diligently… made by someone in that condition. For a moment, something inside me cracked very slowly, but I couldn't let anyone notice I was not perfect.
Back to the carpenter's guild. Again. Two more presses. Part of me wanted to scream, the other simply wanted to close my eyes and stop feeling my feet and my back.
On the way to the farmer's guild, Neo yawned. He seemed tired, but he didn't complain. He just covered his mouth while walking. We found the place empty, but a pretty girl, short but very cute, told us that almost all the members, including the masters Branchas and Vundar, were outside the city and would only return at nightfall. Neo suggested going after them and explaining the presses. I nodded without realizing what that meant, I was so exhausted that nodding had become a reflex, not a decision.
On the way to one of the city gates, I saw the last thing I could bear that day a child sleeping among trash, and two knights who, upon seeing me pass, began kicking him lazily to push him out of the way. The boy, without fully waking up, curled up. He didn't scream, he just stayed there, waiting for them to stop. I couldn't take it anymore and shouted with all my strength.
— Arrest those two heartless brutes! —
Corlen and Antón, who had been following us all day, called the knights and started beating them. They left them unconscious. Other knights who were patrolling the city approached, and under Corlen's orders, took them to prison. While all this happened, Neo approached me from behind only to tear my soul out with his words.
●— Do you think this is an isolated incident? — he said, before Corlen pushed him away for getting too close to me.
A shiver ran down my back. Not because he came close, but because of his words. I tried to ignore him and approached the boy. The fear he felt when seeing my noble clothes was worse than any blow. He backed away apologizing, begging forgiveness, promising he would not step onto a main street again. The terror he had of my presence accused me more harshly than any insult.
He didn't let me answer. He stood up and ran off with his little brother, whom he covered as best he could. My chest hurt just thinking about what kind of life waited for them… what would happen if they were my children. I held back the tears as best I could, and we continued to the gate, where Neo intended to leave the city walls.
I stopped for a moment before crossing. Leaving the city meant risking my life. I had known that since childhood. But Neo didn't hesitate. Corlen and Antón were asking for more knights to escort us. And that was when Neo turned around.
●— Come. — he said calmly, as if nothing were happening.
I had to be strong, to prove I didn't tremble just because I was leaving the city. I had to walk with firmness. I had to be the marchioness everyone expected. But my body didn't obey that mask. My feet didn't react out of fear, and when I took the first step, my heart was a mess. Tears were on the verge of spilling out of pure fear. Even so, I kept walking as if nothing were happening. As soon as we stepped out, Corlen tried to stop me by grabbing my arm, but I pushed him away, dismissing his advice. He wanted to wait for more knights, but I wanted to finish as soon as possible.
We walked for a while, and when we reached a tree, Neo decided to stop to rest and wait for more knights who were still some distance away. I sat as best I could on the roots of that great tree, my dress was already stained, and I no longer cared if it got dirtier. My feet ached, I was hungry and thirsty, I felt short of breath, and everything mixed with fear. When did it seem like a good idea to leave the city? Surely a monster will appear at any moment and kill us all.
●— Would it be alright if we delivered these last two presses and called it a day? I think it's been a long one, hasn't it, Marchioness Sorina? —
— You can say that again. I can't get those people out of my head. —
●— I don't know who you're talking about. — How could he not know?
— The woman without thumbs, the man without a leg, the boy sharpening knives, and the other who got beaten for no reason. —
●— Ah, I suppose that's just how it is, we're in the Middle Ages after all. — The Middle Ages?
— You always say your God is better, but how does he act in cases like these? —
●— That's a difficult question. — He paused to think. Meanwhile, my breathing seemed to be calming, but my heart felt like it might leap out of my chest.
●— I wouldn't know how to explain it without making a mess — he replied. — I come from a place where faith is different. On Earth… — he coughed, trying to disguise what he just said — …in my village… things were different. —
On the… what? The Earth. Only Tolma's envoys are from another world. My stomach tightened, but I pretended I hadn't heard. He continued as if nothing had happened.
●— God teaches us to be different. For example, my family had a large farm. You know, a lot of work. My father always said we had to let in people who needed it. If you didn't, then no one would. My mother had another view, but she always agreed with my father's requests. —
Listening to him, I couldn't help but remember my own husband, one of those times he came into my room after being with another woman.
— Your father was naïve, your mother is absolutely right. — I said, almost spitting. — In this world, the people who open doors end up dead. — He didn't look at me badly, didn't defend himself, and I don't know why that irritated me.
●— Perhaps. — He said. — Or maybe what really matters isn't what they taught you. —
His words burned, but I wasn't going to let him win that easily. Then I thought of my eldest son, with that arrogant smile, so much like his father's. I remembered sending him to the capital, knowing the king wouldn't forgive him, knowing that what he had done was unforgivable for someone in power. Is that what I am? Someone who sacrifices her own child to protect a title she doesn't even want? I swallowed hard.
— Your God is weak. — I said. — If he helps everyone, then he's not all-powerful like Tolmas. He's a fool who lets others walk all over him. — Neo breathed slowly. I expected him to be offended, but he wasn't.
●— Perhaps Tolmas is strong, but he only knows how to destroy. — He said calmly. — God loves, heals, and cares. I think those are different forces. —
I felt a pang in my throat. I didn't want to feel anything, I couldn't let him win. But a memory flooded my mind the day Doina fell as a child and scraped her knees. That trembling cry. And what did I do? Nothing. I had to act with the other nobles, pretending not to hear her because "noblewomen don't care for their children." How could I have been so cruel? She looked at me with those little tearful eyes, asking for help, for compassion, and I didn't dare give her even a small hug. I gritted my teeth, glaring at him with distrust.
—I am alone — I whispered, unwilling to admit it — My husband is dead, my youngest son turned into a killer… my daughter unaware of what will become of her… my eldest son on his way to execution… and the other noblewomen waiting for me to make a mistake so they can slit my throat and take my place. I cannot sleep, not without keeping one eye open, I cannot think, nothing in my mind but betrayals and who will betray me next. I have no one who understands me. —
Neo didn't try to console me. That… that disarmed me more than anything else. He stayed silent for a few minutes, and just as I was about to tell him to continue on our path,
—Sorina — he said softly — God does not ask you to be strong, nor does he demand perfection, he does not want sacrifices. God loved you before you even knew he existed. — A shiver ran down my spine.
—God — he continued — looks to those no one sees. God does not look at you with contempt… he comforts, for it is written blessed are those who mourn… for they shall be comforted. —
That phrase… that phrase pierced me. Blessed are those who mourn? That's… it can't be. Tolmas only blesses the children of sacrifice. How can someone who cries be blessed? It cannot be. It cannot.
I cried, without holding back. What difference is there between the parents who abandoned that child in the street and me, such a terrible mother that I let that wretch strike my little one, trembling just like that boy, yet I did not intervene even once? Why? How despicable must I be to have let that scoundrel teach my son "how to be" with women? How can I be like this? All I know is crying? Is that all?
I embraced Neo, tears streaming uncontrollably, and when I realized I was not alone, I looked at him with tears in my eyes. Neo returned my gaze, and his voice reached exactly where it hurt.
—And he also said Come to me, all you who are weary, who carry impossible burdens… I will give you rest. —
Rest. What did it feel like to rest? I cried harder than I ever had in my life. I cried for my husband, for my shame, for my children, for my being, for my decisions, for my emptiness, for every time I needed comfort and no one came. I cried until I couldn't breathe. And while I unraveled, I heard Neo murmur something that was no cheap consolation, but something that pierced me.
—Ah, little lamb, blessed are you who cry and are lost. My God, have mercy on her, find her soon. —
That phrase broke my heart. I cried without sense. But there was no time for me to linger, Corlen interrupted, telling us that the soldiers had arrived. I wiped my tears with the sleeve of my dress as quickly as I could they cannot see me cry. We continued walking for a while and reached a beautiful field, all in straight lines, with peasants each in their assigned row, bent over working. The guild masters were there too, bent over helping, occasionally standing to assist those who could not continue.
Without entering the field, we waited for the masters, and the knights formed a protective circle around me. They let us through, and a conversation began where Neo assured them he could facilitate the sowing, but needed the master's help.
As we were about to leave and return to the city, a roar came from the thicket of the forest. A linzeballo a monstrous creature, feline in nature but the size of a horse began moving through the fields.
My only chance at survival vanished, I fell to the ground and screamed with all my strength.
—Protect me, everyone! —
The soldiers closed in, forming a shield. Corlen called all nearby adventurers to protect me. Neo stood by my side, trying to step outside the knight's shield.
And with fear, I saw through the legs of my knights that the adventurers had abandoned the peasants to come to my rescue, leaving them alone before the monster.
Neo shoved everyone aside with brute force, managing to push the knights off balance and knock Corlen to the ground. Then he sprinted forward with everything he had and, out of nowhere, drew the sword—the same sword he had used to defend himself from my sons.
But he didn't make it in time. With a single swipe, the monster split a man in half. The image stayed in my mind like a painted scene. The protective circle broken, Corlen on the ground, Neo running, and that atrocious moment frozen in place.
When Neo reached him, the monster tried to lunge, both front legs spread wide. Neo was beneath it. I couldn't lose Neo, he was a useful tool. But the creature fell on him and stopped moving. A few seconds later its neck twitched. I feared I would see it eating him, but Neo emerged from underneath, drenched in blood yet untouched.
Corlen, once on his feet, ordered the monster to be inspected. The adventurers moved, but Neo ignored everything and came straight toward me.
Antón tried to stop him, but Neo shoved him so hard he fell. Corlen stepped in, but Neo pushed past him all the same.
●—Congratulations. A man is dead because of YOUR fucking fault. Well done, marquise, you are truly an example to follow. —
—I am the marquise — I screamed as best I could, trying not to cry.
●—I don't care. — He said, pushing Corlen's hand away from his mouth.
—I am the marquise — I repeated, unable to do anything else.
●—Marquise and hypocrite, that's what you are. You multiply misery. — He said, stepping aside from Corlen.
—I am the marquise, you cannot— — I tried to put my authority above his, but I couldn't.
●—And that man was someone's father or son. What happens to his family now? — He yelled, shoving Corlen again. —What becomes of his effort to protect them? Now what? His children will be kicked by your knights, is that what you want? —
Neo broke away and walked toward the city. Antón followed him without waiting for orders. Corlen began insisting I shouldn't listen to him, that he was just a commoner, unworthy of my attention, a wretch who deserved death for his words.
I managed to stand and ordered him to be silent as well. I followed Neo from a distance. The master of the farmer's guild tried to comfort me, saying it wasn't my fault, that what I did wasn't wrong, but I couldn't accept any of it. The only one to blame was me.
Neo stopped by the river to wash off the blood, and when I finally reached him, he didn't even look at me. His words were sharper than any blade.
●—Go away. I don't even want to see you. — He shouted.
When we reached the city gates, we waited for a carriage to take us to the farmer's guild, where the masters and I waited for Neo.
●—I already told you I don't want to see you. Leave. I'll finish this delivery and I'm leaving. Tomorrow I'll continue with the rest. But I hope you don't come with me. —
The palace's silence greeted me with nothing but stillness. After a day filled with the city's noise, the quiet felt wrong, like stepping into someone else's skin. I crossed the doorway of my room without looking back. Three steps, maybe four, and my strength simply gave out. It wasn't a dignified fall, the bed caught me like a net dropped under a collapsing structure.
The mattress sank beneath me, and with it the stiff, brittle composure I had been forcing for hours. I curled in on myself knees to chest, arms wrapped around my back as if I could hold together something already slipping through my fingers. A small posture. Unbecoming of my title. Yet perfectly fitted to the woman who had been suppressing everything for far too long.
Breathing turned into a fight. Each attempt scraped raw, as if the air itself had edges. My pulse hammered in my temples, demanding a release that never came. Rage arrived without warning. I couldn't tell if it was fear, shame, or the accumulated weight of years spent looking away. I struck the mattress with an open hand, then a fist, then both. Clumsy blows, useless, as if I could tear out something inside me I didn't even know how to name.
I didn't scream. My voice stayed trapped behind my teeth, reduced to a strangled murmur. The day's images drove themselves in one after another the farmer's blood, the trembling hand of the boy, the old man without a tongue, the knights kicking a child… and Neo's furious eyes. In my mind I repeated it, like a frantic prayer I am the marquise, I am the marquise, I am the marquise. As if the title could save me from myself.
Shame crawled up from my stomach to my chest, a knot tightening without mercy. It was an old pain, the same one I had felt as a child the moment I learned to cry quietly behind a closed door. This time I couldn't silence it. The crying came out ripped, ugly, shapeless. Nothing noble about it, the truest sound I had made in years.
I buried my face in the pillow, trying to hide from the world… or from the harm I had allowed, ignored whenever it suited me. The blows weakened by themselves, the sobs cut off because my body simply couldn't continue. Eventually, I went still. I fell asleep curled in a ball, small, broken, unmasked.
I woke with a dry mouth and a cold tremor twisting in my gut. The room felt larger, as if I had misplaced something while I slept. I staggered out in search of Doina. I needed her close, though I would never admit it.
I searched she was supposed to be in the library. When I didn't find her, I checked her room. Then the halls. Several maids helped, until one, nearly crying, confessed that Doina had left with five knights toward the university. Without permission. Without telling me. The blow hit deep. My first feeling wasn't worry, it was betrayal. A cold blade reopening the day's wound.
I went straight to the university and entered the lecture hall. It was lit too brightly for the hour. I opened the door without announcing myself. On the platform stood Neo holding Dalia in his arms, Hunt and Selene hand in hand, and my Doina, about to be kissed by that boy. I shouted for them to stop. Doina turned toward me, surprised… almost annoyed. Then she dropped her gaze. And I felt the floor shift under my feet.
While I was breaking alone in a bed, she was here laughing, living, choosing the world that hated me. I said nothing. I couldn't. I turned away before the trembling betrayed me. The hallway carried a different kind of silence, a heavier one. Every step back toward the palace reminded me of the obvious even Doina, my girl, the only light I had held onto for so many years, was growing up too fast.