Consistency
I can't stay consistent on something, maybe I go gym for a week, but then I stop, then I go gym again, this time for only a day, therefore I can never get better
Overthinking
Adding on to the last challenge, I fear getting better, I may not have the companionship I have now, I fear id lose what I already have, I fear getting better takes the fun out of something, cause whats so fun about winning again and again?, and yet each time my overthinking was unfounded, it was never that bad, that awful, that complicated in the first place, everything is more simple than I think, yet even knowing that, I still choose to overthink and make worse decisions for myself, so the biggest challenge of all is...
Myself
The biggest challenge of them all, Im scared of doing something more to improve myself, since I think of others first, I'm scared of what I do will annoy them or interrupt them, when in reality 90% of the time, they would never think that, yet that 10% is what curses me everyday
Being wrong
Im scared that actually I don't actually think for others, that im actually really selfish like other people say, I think of myself first and my joy first, I'm scared that the strategy that ive used from the beginning is actually the worst one, I'm scared that everything I've been doing was actually the worst way of doing it all along, I'm scared of pain, even though I don't speak up when my ulcer hurts me, I'm scared of sickness, yet I don't do what my mom tells me to do to prevent it, I'm scared of other people, that they might tell me things that I really hate and really hurts me, only for them to be right and only for my own good instead, I'm scared that everything that I think is awful, bad, hurtful, is actually a good thing instead, and I've been wrong all along
Growing up
This journey of growing up made me realise a lot, 90% of what I did was wrong the entire time, I was washing my genitals the wrong way, I had to pull the entire foreskin off, I was actually playing the games I love the wrong way from the criticism I get from my friends, even though I found success, even though I've done well, I'm scared that everything I've done is wrong, everything that I've said is wrong, everything that pains me hurts less than it actually does.
That's why my biggest challenge is myself, for overthinking it all, for exaggerating it all, preventing myself from reaching greater heights I've never seen, letting my potential go to waste, what greater heights? I don't know, but if greater heights in whatever it is, whether it'd be comedy, therapy, or something else entirely from what I'm interested in now, I just hope it'd be fun if I reach those greater heights, even if I never reach them, even if I only got a glimpse of them
Those high adrenaline, heart-pumping sports games, those entertaining and fun speeches and presentations, the hilarious acting, I fear I'll never reach greater heights than that, I'll never experience anything more than that, ill never be able to blossom that potential, never allow it to flourish, just glimpses of them, and never again, just because of my own incompetence, just because of my lack of motivation, just because of my fear of failure, just because of my fear of criticism, just because of my inconsistency, just because of myself.
Because it's all my fault, what everyone say is true, it's all my fault, that I never let my studies reach above average, that I never reach higher and higher goals. Everything, my pain and suffering, my incompetence, it's all my fault.
But it's okay, because I love things that don't matter, I don't regret the things and decisions I have done, cause if it means because of those things, I can be here today, I can experience meaningless things, such as stories, games, conversations, etc.
Then it was a good life, then it was time well spent, cause no matter what, I really don't give a shit about anything else, I don't care about reaching greater heights, I don't care about having really close relationships, I don't care about going out and meeting new people and new things.
All I want, is a life where I can always experience pieces of art that touch my art, people that I can talk and have fun with, even if it never amounts to anything else.
That's why, I will pay attention to things that captured my heart more than more "important things", chores, studying, food, trips, deadlines, outing.
So I will always prioritise the things I love, so I will ignore my mom when she tells me to do "important stuff", I will forget things, I won't be as observant as others, I won't be as smart as others, I won't be as strong as others, I won't be as competent as others. If it means I can have a little more time experiencing things that make life enjoyable, then I will prioritise it above all else.
Yet, I still think of others, yet I still can't help but be empathetic, I can't help but still do what my mom tells me, i can't help but still keep these desires in my heart.
My heart is messy, everything sounds messy, some things contradict each other, but it's what I feel and want to say right now, it doesn't have to be understandable, it doesn't have to be readable, it just has to feel just a bit better after letting it all out.
I don't get it, I don't understand people, I don't even understand myself, but if it means I can live a life where I can always, every day, have times where I can hangout, where I can watch TV shows, where I can converse interests with other people, where I can play games that touches my heart, where I can listen to music that soothes or hypes me up, then that's enough.
That's all there is to understanding myself, its simple, like everything in this world, it's never that serious.
It will never be that serious, as long as I can still live a life where I can experience such things, even if I'm tortured, even if I'm kidnapped, even if I go through unimaginable trauma, even if my loved ones betray me.
It will never be that serious, cause I can still live.
Just living, is my best accomplishment in this world
Yet I overthink, everything that I've said might be absolutely wrong, it might amount to nothing, it might just be random words mixed together, that is my biggest weakness, my biggest challenge, me thinking that I'm wrong again, even when I'm at my most vulnerable state, I still think I might be lying, I still think I might be wrong. I still think that everything I've said above might just be empty words, that's why I can never have full confidence in myself.
That's why I will always sound like I'm lying, that's why I will always be unsure of myself.
Sure, some times, I get a little talking to, and I might sound and act more confident than normal, but it's never permanent, and I don't think it will ever be, because this is my core, this is who I am,
This is Me.