Saturday morning in Pathan's household began with an unusual calm..... the kind of calm that always means something terrible is about to happen and that "something terrible" was about to happen in the kitchen
I knew today was going to be chaotic the moment Dad walked into the living room wearing an apron that said "Pinch the Cook—If You Dare."No one has pinched him while cooking in the last fifteen years, so the "If You Dare" was accurate.
I, Zaid — youngest child, family survivor, and unofficial cameraman because everyone else refuses — was already regretting being alive.
"Kids," Dad announced dramatically, "today I will be making… THE GREATEST PIZZA THE INTERNET HAS EVER SEEN."
Brownie, our cat, meowed loudly as if saying, "Cap. Stop the cap."
Mom looked up from her tea. "Please don't burn the house again."
"That was ONE TIME," Dad snapped.
"That was last week," Mom replied without blinking.
Before Dad could argue, Grandma entered the kitchen, walking like she owns the whole galaxy. She wore her giant glasses, a shawl that could cover an entire tent, and her expression said that she was judging everyone present — including Brownie.
"What is happening?" she asked, squinting at Dad. "Why are you dressed like an overconfident tomato seller?"
Dad inhaled deeply. "Ammi… I'm making a cooking reel."
Grandma gasped dramatically. "Beta, when did you become so unemployed?"
I choked on my own laughter.
Farha entered next, hair wrapped in a towel like a queen who just survived a storm. "If Dad is cooking, I'm staying FAR away."
Adeeb came behind her, sipping juice calmly because that's his personality: quiet, responsible, and done with our existence.
"Let me guess," Adeeb said. "Dad will cook. Zaid will record. Brownie will disturb. Grandma will insult everyone. Farha will scream. Mom will sigh. And in the end—we will order food."
Dad pointed at him. "You people underestimate my talent. This will be a MASTERPIECE!"
I opened my camera. "Alright Dad, say something for the intro."
Dad puffed his chest."Welcome, audience! Today I will show you how to make pizza like REAL Italians."
Grandma slapped him on the back. "Beta, you have never even met an Italian. Stop lying."
Dad ignored her and continued dramatically."Step one: Making the dough."
Farha whispered to me, "Watch, he's going to mess up before he even starts."
Dad poured flour into a bowl. Or at least, he TRIED.
He missed the bowl completely.
Flour exploded everywhere — on the counter, on the floor, all over himself.
He looked like a sad snowman.
Brownie jumped into the flour happily and sprinted out of the kitchen, leaving white pawprints everywhere.
Mom looked at me helplessly. "Zaid, please record only his upper half. I cannot show this disaster online."
Adeeb shook his head. "Dad, the bowl is RIGHT THERE."
Dad ignored everyone and continued with full confidence.
"Now mix the dough with passion."
He added water… too much water.The dough turned into a white soup.
Farha burst out laughing."Congratulations, Dad. You invented pizza milkshake."
Grandma took the bowl from his hand and sniffed it. "Beta, even ghosts won't eat this."
Dad snatched it back. "Let me focus! Everyone go away!"
"No," I said, "this chaos is what gets views."
Grandma nodded. "Yes, beta. People love watching stupidity."
Adeeb clapped. "Exactly. Let the man cook. This is free entertainment."
Dad took a deep breath and shaped the dough. It looked like a dying amoeba, but he pretended it was perfect.
"Now," he said confidently, "we roll the dough."
He swung the rolling pin like it was a sword and slammed it down.
CRACK.
The pin broke.
Farha screamed laughing. "WHAT DID YOU ROLL?! YOUR EGO?!"
Dad's eye twitched. "Technical difficulties."
Grandma sat in the corner like a judge at a talent show."Zero out of ten. No talent. Next contestant please."
Dad pressed the dough with his hands instead, turning it into something that resembled a confused oval.
Mom sighed. "It's not supposed to look like India's map."
Dad ignored her.
"Now the sauce!"
He opened the tomato sauce bottle and squeezed.It exploded like a volcano — all over his apron, his face, my phone, and Grandma's shawl.
Grandma froze. Slowly, very slowly, she looked down at her tomato-stained shawl and gasped.
"My sha—my sha—"She stopped breathing for a second."YOU SAUCE-ATTACKED ME!"
Dad panicked. "Ammi it was an accident—"
"YOU WANT TO FIGHT ME? COME!"Grandma rolled up her sleeves like she was entering WWE.
I started recording even more aggressively. "YES! VIRAL CONTENT!"
Adeeb grabbed Grandma like she was a ticking bomb."Ammi, please sit. Please don't attack him. He's already suffering."
Brownie entered again, now red with tomato sauce and white with flour. She looked like she escaped both a bakery and a murder scene.
Farha looked at her and screamed. "BROWNIE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S BEEN IN A FOOD FIGHT."
Dad wiped his face. "Okay fine, sauce applied."
He spread the sauce evenly.For the first time today… it looked DECENT.
But then Farha decided to help.
Her "help" was worse than war.
She dumped half the cheese packet in one spot.
Adeeb added olives like he was playing darts.
Mom sprinkled capsicum in perfect patterns.
Grandma threw onions randomly while muttering, "Useless man cannot even cut vegetables."
The pizza looked like five different people had emotional breakdowns on it.
Dad placed the pizza in the oven dramatically.
Everyone waited.
Everyone stared.
Everyone prayed.
After ten minutes, a burning smell filled the house.
"IS THAT THE PIZZA?" Mom yelled.
Dad opened the oven.
Smoke escaped like a dragon taking revenge.
The pizza was… alive.Not literally, but the cheese was bubbling like a villain in a horror movie.
Farha gasped. "It looks angry."
Brownie hissed at it.
Dad proudly held it up."TA-DA! Done!"
Grandma laughed so loudly the neighbors probably heard."This pizza looks like someone dropped it on the road and drove a truck over it."
Mom stared at it. "We cannot eat this."
Dad sighed dramatically. "Fine. We will order."
Adeeb raised his phone instantly. "Already did."
I stopped the recording.
Dad looked at me."So? Was the reel good?"
I nodded."Dad… it's not just good. It's LEGENDARY. People will laugh so hard they'll forget their problems."
Farha added, "Or they'll lose brain cells. Either way—viral."
Grandma placed a hand on Dad's shoulder."Beta… never cook again. Ever. Promise me."
Dad sighed. "Fine, Ammi."
Brownie jumped on the counter, sniffed the pizza, and walked away, offended.
That was when we accepted defeat.
And that was the day Dad became famous online…
Not for cooking…but for destroying every ingredient known to mankind.