He would never lie to himself again, not if he knew the truth.
As Cades finally swore this to himself, ending this entire thing he began to look ahead and get lost in the rhythmic sound of his never-ending march once more, a march that was now his only solace, his only relief of the endless pain of this boredom, of the endless nothing filled with the light illuminating everything from below.
But he hadn't finished thinking yet, no, he went and thought about everything, all the battles he had battled, all the chaos he had probably caused, and he began to get lost once more, he began to think about things that no sane person should ever realize about themselves, and perhaps, he had never been sane, perhaps he had not been sane from the second where he saw his parent's corpses, and perhaps now it was much, much worse because of a single thing, a single fact that had truly started this entire thing.
Cades had never been good at remembering faces, he often forgot them in fact, and yet he hadn't thought that this would be possible so soon, it was in fact so that his sister had been sent to a faraway school for a bit and he really didn't know whether or not she was alive right now, but he hadn't seen her for about a month longer than he hadn't seen his parents, and now he had finally realized a horrible piece of knowledge about himself.
He no longer remembered his sisters face, he only remembered her silver hair and her yellow eyes... or were they black... he wasn't even certain about that, perhaps he would know if he ever saw her again, but the chances of that were incredibly slim, he was almost certain of her demise, he was done lying to himself, he was done telling himself everything he had done was good, he was done lying and saying that she was alive, he was done having hopes.
And indeed, he was hopeless, he was without any hope that she was still alive, and despite all of this, there was still a small, insignificant part of his mind, the part in which he had practically incarcerated all of his emotions, aside from fear that protected him from threats, anger that gave him strength and interest that drove him forward, and happiness that had already died, it was the part of himself that he had now begun hating more than anything else, the part that made him himself, the part that was him, or at least the part that had been making him him before he gave that right to only three emotions, or rather two feelings and one act, interest.
But still, that small part was praying, hoping, saying, that if he ever met his sister, his parents, his family, his few friends and everyone else again, then he perhaps wouldn't have forget them, perhaps he would be able to see them again and remember everything he had gone through with them, remember how he had gone to the playground with his sister, how he had been cared for by his parents when he had fallen sick, how he had done the same for them when all three members of his family had fallen sick and had to self-quarantine, and perhaps he would've even been able to build such memories with his friends, the only real friends he had made at Unulria or in his life for that matter, except for some smaller ones, but perhaps he was also simply clinging to those he had seen just before everything collapsed, the last few pieces of normalcy in his mind, and due to that he was so obsessed with these people that had practically been strangers to him, but he didn't care anymore either way.
He had simply locked that pathetic part of himself up, he had locked up the hope that drove him and replaced it with simple interest, he had replaced it with the drive for knowledge that might also have been a driving force, but not exactly one he truly wanted the world to see.
But right now he would need the mind and will to do anything that had to be done, and that thirst for knowledge that had been within him since his first year in existence, that will that had brought him so much suffer and so much relief, that will was what he needed.
And that will was strong, that will that had once almost driven him beyond his basic common sense, that will that had once almost mad him cut off one of his bodily parts, something that went against the very nature of living beings, something that barely anyone would've been capable of doing with such a clear mind as he had back then, something that was simply uncaring towards himself, towards his own safety, towards his own feelings, his own pain.
And now that which his parents had feared, despite Cades not really knowing about that or even realizing it, had happened, that cruelty and uncaring demeanour had now been put in front of a mirror and been directed towards the outside, towards everyone that was out there, towards everyone he would meet, he didn't really care anymore, and perhaps that was the worst case.
Cades had lost his wings and his old species when he entered this place first, he had lost what it meant to be an ehetrian, he had lost his freedom, he had lost any way to satiate his own hunger, he had lost so much, and now he had lost the rest.
He had been himself all this time, despite all the pain, despite everything, at his core he had always been Cades, but now, that core had been locked up and the key had been swallowed, now decaying in the middle of his stomach acid, now, he had lost the last part of himself.
He had lost that which had made up his soul, he had lost his hopes, he had lost his happiness, he had lost his sadness, he had lost the ability to grieve, he could only suffer, feel anger, feel fear, and seek knowledge.
In many ways he wasn't Cades anymore, he was something else, despite still referring to himself as Cades.