Nova's night was not as restful as she would have liked, and she did not wake with the sun. She did, however, wake with a pounding headache that was worsened by the sunlight. She squinted, turning her head to the side at the sound of clinking bottles. She watched Madja arrange her tray of supplies.
She glanced up and greeted her with a soft smile, "Kallias mentioned you might require this." She said, tapping the top of a bottle that looked relatively viscous behind the warped glass.
Nova tried to swallow moisture down her parched throat as a horrifying thought occurred to her, "I didn't throw up, did I?"
Madja laughed lightly, "No, you didn't throw up." She stirred the concoction with a wooden stick and approached her bedside. "I do suggest getting it down as quickly as you can. Leaves a bit of an aftertaste."
Cringing, she took the bottle as she sat up a little taller in bed. Perhaps next time, one glass would be enough rather than a whole bottle. Holding her breath, she slammed it down, but not without a gagging choke as what felt like burning, jiggling tar-like substance trailed down her esophagus, leaving the back of her tongue a shade of black.
"What do you want to do today, Nova?" Madja asked.
Glancing over, nose still crinkled in distaste, she arched a brow. "What do…I want to do?"
"Yes," Madja responded as she sat in the chair beside her, "The things we were doing to help you weren't working, and we were wrong. I was wrong. You have always been active by nature, and while I was worried that you'd extend your injuries, perhaps that's a risk worth taking if it means you aren't suffering from inactivity. Now, mind you, you can't go climbing the palace walls, but rather than doing everything for you, we'll make it accessible for you to do. I watched you at the table yesterday," Nova frowned, looking down at her bottle, where the residue had stained it like mud, which was mildly concerning. "You weren't able to pour the water, were you?"
Nova chewed her lower lip and breathed in as deeply as she could. This was the moment of truth. She could become defensive and evade her questions, or they could find a solution together. Everyone was only ever one decision away from a different life, and Nova didn't want the life where people left the room when she entered it.
"I was afraid I'd spill it and ruin everyone's breakfast." She finally admitted softly.
Madja nodded, "Alright, we'll find a way so that you can pour your drinks. Serve yourself. Complete tasks that don't require overexerting your body, but you have to meet me in the middle, Nova…"
Nova met her eyes.
"If we tell you to stop doing something, you have to listen. It is not something meant to embarrass you; it is meant to keep you safe. There will come a time when everything difficult now will become easier, but you must have patience."
Patience…oh, she'd lost a lot of that.
"So, allow me to ask again. What would you like to do today?"
It wasn't morning, but Nova spent the first hour she was awake doing the one thing she hadn't done for weeks.
Meditate.
The only issue was that for her to perform the traditional form of meditation properly, she had to keep a rigid posture—something she couldn't do by herself, and meditation was a solo act. She wouldn't be able to concentrate if someone were in her space, so with the help of Madja, she sat in the wooden chair across the room. It had the most support to keep her back straight without, hopefully, her tiring too soon.
Nova hated that what came so naturally before was now a struggle.
Focus, she scolded herself. I am in control…of myself. Not my situation.
Placing her palms on her knees, she planted her bare feet on the polished wooden ground and closed her eyes. Unable to overextend her chest, she practiced slow diaphragm breathing and allowed her body to relax, despite the aches and pains that made it difficult to sit in a chair. It was a slow process, blocking out the sights and sounds of her surroundings, but soon Nova was surrounded by the quiet darkness. Perhaps to some it was an uncomfortable sensation- the silence…the nothing, but to Nova it offered a moment of pure peace.
Here, in this time of nothing, she could exist without expectation.
When Nova reopened her eyes, she blinked and calmly glanced up to her right, where the clock's tick came into focus. Just a little over an hour. Time always seemed to move differently during her meditations, but she couldn't stop herself from smiling as she realized she'd managed it. After so long, she'd entered her space, and she felt…better. That was, until she moved and a shock of lightning pain riveted up her spine, thundering a deep ache in the base of her skull that traveled to the back of her eyes.
"I could use some…help," Nova said, hoping someone would hear her.
The door cracked an inch open, and Hollis peeked through with a small smile, "Would you like someone else?"
Having expected Madja or even Emerie, Nova's first instinct was to turn him away. She wasn't sure why, but thank goodness for the clarity of mind that came with her meditations, because she didn't have a reason to. Hurting someone for the sake of it wasn't a habit she wanted to adopt, so instead, she nodded. "If you don't mind."
With a smile, Hollis entered and carefully shut the door. "Of course not. Where would you like to go?"
"Hm, my back…hurts," she frowned, "I'm not very tired right now, but I think I need to lie down."
Careful in his approach, Hollis moved himself in a way that didn't add too much pressure to her body, letting her use him to move rather than moving her. It was a slow process, but soon enough Nova was back in bed, the sigh of relief as her body pressed into the cushion was audible.
"I was in that position for over an hour," she glanced at him and bit her lip, "Thank you."
An hour seemed so long, even for himself. He wasn't so sure that was something he could even attempt to do. By the first fifteen minutes, he wouldn't have wanted to continue.
"Do you think I should meditate?" Hollis asked and then immediately regretted it. The inner thought had snuck its way through his lips, and now he couldn't pull it back.
Nova glanced over at him and quirked a slight smirk, "Meditating isn't a restricted practice. Anyone who wants to should."
Standing back, Hollis tried to situate himself to stand a little less awkwardly. He knew he should probably step out, but he wasn't sure if she might need him. If she did, was he the person to help, or should he ask Madja? They were technically…married, but that didn't mean they were together in the traditional sense. Still, she was his mate no matter what emotion she returned, and he'd always want to do what he could to help her, if she also didn't want or need his help…
"Don't hurt yourself."
Hollis glanced up with wide eyes, realizing she was, indeed, talking to him. "Sorry, do you need anything else. I can get you some food or water or…"
"Can we play chess?"
"What?" He asked, his eyebrows meeting his hairline.
"Would you mind bringing some food up, and we can play chess?"
"Yeah, of course. I'll be right back."
As he left, Nova smiled to herself, but there was still something else she had to do before she could even think about relaxing for the night. "Could you ask Cassian and Azriel to come up first?" She asked as a tumble of nerves twitched in her belly.
Hollis had heard bits of their exchange yesterday, but made no indication he knew as he nodded and left. The last time he saw them was as he'd left the arena to put Baylor away, when he'd returned to spar with Kyra, they were gone. He'd noticed, however, that they seemed much quieter than usual. Well, Cassian was quieter. He couldn't tell a difference with Azriel, but he did seem more broody than usual.
It wasn't challenging to find Azriel, as he was usually with Ana, and Ana had established habits. Sure enough, as he entered the first-floor parlor, there he sat next to Ana, who worked on a new line of stitches, a band-aid secured around her thumb.
Rhys and Feyre sat near the fire on the floor with his parents, a scattering of papers between them with numbers scrawled in organized columns. They were rationing their goods between the Winter and Night Court. Hollis intended to help, but he'd wait until after Nova was asleep.
"Nova asked if she could speak to you." He addressed Azriel, and everyone glanced up. "You and Cassian."
Azriel nodded, squeezed Ana's hand, set the spool of thread down, and stood to his feet. "Thank you, I'll retrieve him."
"Hollis," Ana smiled and offered him the spool of red, "I could use your hand if you wouldn't mind."
Without hesitation, he sat beside her. He'd grown rather fond of Ana over the last few weeks, and faltered a little as he took in her pale complexion. "Are you feeling alright?"
"Oh, yes, of course," Ana smiled, "Here, keep your grip loose."
Upstairs, Azriel walked with Cassian down the hallway toward Nova's room. He'd managed to find him with Nesta, luckily fully clothed, and together they paused at her closed door.
"No matter what she says, we can't take it personally," Azriel said.
Cassian nodded. He knew that. Nova wasn't the only person to say things in frustration. Everyone had a limit, and yesterday Nova had hit hers. Still, he'd be lying if he said he hadn't felt a twinge of pain in his chest from the interaction. The same pain he'd felt when he'd yelled at her all those years ago, or when they hadn't respected her space at the bonfire. But it wasn't her words that stirred that pain within him…it was the look on her face. The catch in her breath and the anger that coated the air around her. Watching her face the pain of battling herself was unbearable.
Finally, Azriel reached for the handle and pushed to enter. They weren't sure what to expect, but as they settled their eyes on her, she looked up with tear-filled eyes.
Fuck this is going to break me…
Cas and Az shared the same thought.
"Can I talk to you?" Nova asked, she'd sworn she wouldn't cry, but the moment they opened the door, she could hear her own words repeat back to her.
We're not related and we're not family, so stop acting like we are.
She cringed as they carefully closed the door and approached. If she was going to say it, she had to do it now, before she ran the risk of her throat being too clogged with emotion.
"I'm sorry…" she tried to meet their eyes, but couldn't. "I didn't…I didn't mean what I said and…" Her lower lip trembled as Cassian kneeled and Azriel took the chair, leaning forward.
"Nova…"
She looked up, meeting their eyes with her red ones.
Cas furrowed his brows and nodded, "Of course you're forgiven."
It didn't feel like enough. Would it ever? She meant it, she did, but did she deserve to be so easily forgiven?
"We all say things we don't mean," she glanced at Azriel as he spoke, "out of anger and love and grief. It's the words we don't say after that lead to fallout. This, right now, is what keeps families strong."
Nova pursed her lips, venturing the question, "You…still want me in your family?"
Cassian couldn't help but laugh, "Nova, it would take a lot for you to drive us away, and even then we'd claw our way back. You have people who love you. Get used to it."
She managed a small smile and said, "I'm trying."