"What the fuck are you three doing here?"
Why can't I get a break? Why is it that everything goes wrong? Why does nothing ever go as planned for me? Anko Mitarashi, Shikamaru Nara and Ino Yamanaka have caught me.
Fuck you Fate, Life, Karma, or whoever the hell is messing with me!
Why can't I have a normal mission? I'm supposed to be on a vacation! This is supposed to be stress free not spiral out of control in the most chaotic way possible! I just wanted to unwind for a bit! Just go to the Land of Snow, get a specific metal, then do whatever the fuck I want to for the rest of my two weeks!
But no I don't get to have nice things in life! That would be too easy!
"Shikamaru don't let him go." Ino says to her teammate. Good news, she's finally picked an emotion to channel. Bad news, it's anger. She's pissed, with good reason too. I've done a lot of shit recently. "He's going to answer some questions I have. He has this nasty habit of always slipping through my fingers. No more! He's caught and has nowhere to go."
"Hello to you too." I sarcastically retort. "And what makes you think I'm going to answer any of them?"
A senbon lodges itself into my left shoulder.
"I've got my own questions for you." Anko was the one who threw it at me. "Where's Orochimaru?"
"I'm sorry, was that supposed to hurt?" I channel my inner lunatic - which is much easier than I thought it would be - and let out a crazed cackle. "You'll have to do way better than that if you want me to bat an eyelash."
"With pleasure." Anko pulls out a kunai. This one is different from most, one of the sides is like a normal kunai. It's sharp and smooth. The other is what is different. It's broken and jagged. It's a serrated blade, one meant to cause damage and pain not death. It's a torture tool.
"Anko no!" Ino steps between us but it's not her trying to stop Anko that surprises me. It's how she's standing. She's staring Anko down, daring the older kunoichi to try to touch me one more time and her back is facing me.
She's turned her back on me. She's leaving herself wide open for me to attack her, to do anything and everything I possibly can think of. A quick jutsu or maybe a kunai to the base of the skull, my options are limitless. But she trusts me enough to show her unprotected back to me. She truly thinks that I won't do anything to hurt her. In the shinobi world you only willingly show your back to those you implicitly trust above all else.
"Ino move or I will move you." Anko threatens her student. "This is my chance. He has to know where Orochimaru is at."
"You will do nothing! He is not some random Oto shinobi for you to torture! He is not some stranger that we don't care about! He is not some worthless statistic of Orochimaru's! He is my friend!" Ino gets right in Anko's face and shout so loudly that spittle flies out of her mouth. "Don't think for an instant that your questions are more important than mine! I don't care if he knows where Orochimaru is at! That doesn't matter! I want to know what happened to my friend! I will not stand by and do nothing as you make him suffer more! He's been through more than you can possibly imagine and you want to add to his pain and suffering? I will not allow it! You have no idea who he even is! He is one of Konoha's most loy-"
"As amusing as this is." I cut in before Ino can reveal the truth about me. That was too damn close, way too damn close. Yet it was also heartwarming. Even after all the stuff I've put Ino through it's nice to know she still feels that way about me. That she doesn't think I've become a monster. "Shikamaru has to be almost at his limit."
"He's not wrong." Shikamaru strains out under great pressure. "He keeps periodically stress testing my jutsu. Every couple of seconds he flares his strength to try and break it. He's coming closer and closer each time."
"You can feel that?" That's interesting, I never knew the Shadow Possession jutsu was that detailed.
"I'll poison him." Anko sheaths her serrated kunai with a huff. She's backed off for now but by no means has she given up on asking me where Orochimaru is at. "One of my snakes should be enough."
Works for me, poison won't do jack shit to me.
"That won't work." Ino denys Anko's idea. "Poison doesn't work on him. He made that very clear during the Chunin Exams we just went to."
Well shit. There goes that idea.
"Chakra suppression tags?" Shikamaru offers with his strained voice. "I'm close to my limit."
"We don't have any." Anko points out. Then she turns to Ino. "Why don't you just hop inside his head? You can get your questions answered and then he won't be able to go anywhere."
"That's a bad idea." Ino hesitantly shoots me, or rather the Jiongu, a fearful look over her shoulder. She still has her back to me. "His mind is unique. The best way to describe it is like he has a built in defense."
"Not to mention that it's not the prettiest place." I chime in with a mocking tone. "Seriously you would not believe the things I have bouncing around in there. It got dark, really dark."
"Oh quit it with the act! We all know you're still a good person! You're not scaring us away that easily!" Ino reprimands me before turning back to her teammates. "Why don't we just tie him up? Why go through all of these complex ideas when the basics work?"
"I'm not acting. Pop on inside if you want to see for yourself." I attempt to shrug in indifference but someone still has me caught in a jutsu. Wait a moment, why the hell am I still here? I can get out of this anytime I want to. "And I vote for tying me up. That's the best one I've heard all day, especially since I have this little thing called chakra at my disposal."
"That is a good point." Anko points out. "There's no point in tying him up if he can use a jutsu to cut the bonds."
"Wow that was a lot of points there." I cheekily sass her. "Oh, Shikamaru. This is just a friendly warning, but if I were you I'd dodge."
"Dodge what?" He smartly asks. "I've still got you caught, you're not free yet."
"True, but did you think you're the only one who plans ahead?" I ask him. "Remember those monsters I used to save you way back during the invasion?"
His eyes go wide and he throws himself to his left. Just in the nick of time too, my water minion finally dropped from the ceiling to land right where he was.
"What the fuck is that thing!?" Anko roars as my water monster leaps down the hallway to stand by my side. It also has the added effect of causing both Ino and Anko to retreat towards Shikamaru so we're on opposite ends of the hallway.
And I'm on the side with the exit. How convenient.
With a sickening squelch I pull my loyal minion back into me. Every other person down here turns pale at the grotesque noise and action. It's not everyday something this bizarre happens, even if two of them have seen it before. It takes time to get used to the strangeness of it.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find another way to get to the Land of Snow." I calmly open the door to the exit. "Oh, by the way there's a large scroll full of the ship's cargo. Could one of you unseal it all when you reach your destination? I promised the Captain I'd do that. Thanks!"
I sprint out of the door and start weaving my way through the ship to make it to the deck so I can leave this cluster fuck behind me. Seriously this is supposed to be a vacation for me! So much for that!
"After him!" Ino shouts and she sprints after me. Right behind her are Anko and Shikamaru. "We can't let him get away again!"
Seriously though. First Kakuzu popped up out of nowhere. Though looking back on it, it does sort of make sense? He's a Hunter himself so why wouldn't he frequently visit bounty stations?
"I've got a plan." Shikamaru tells his team. "We just need to corner him for thirty seconds. We don't even have to catch him, all I need to do is talk to him."
Now I'm running away from Konoha shinobi? Konoha shinobi that I personally know? I swear there's no way this could get worse! Well at least it's not like Kakashi or Naruto will pop up randomly. Then the world really is out to get me.
I finally fling open one final door to reveal the deck of the ship. I'm free!
"Rasengan!" An orange blur darts at me from the opposite side of the deck.
"DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE BETTER SHIT TO DO!" I roar as Naruto fucking Uzumaki is charging at me with his signature attack fully powered up.
...
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