Today I ended up crying multiple times while watching a donhua, all the situations of drama, regret, longing and love. Lastly, family, too.
After a while, I thought, well, since I cry about it, it means I also long for it.
Long for what ? Past ? What if ?
Yes, I still can't let go of my past, and eventually, go to the so-called phase of growth, you know.
I wanted, I still want, a family, a place where you are loved unconditionally, no matter what you do, no matter what you look or even be.
I really want to have one. But I don't.
Now, I don't have the courage to build or even try to have one. Why ?
I unconsciously afraid of losing it, I'm too sensitive to denials. And lastly, I'm way too afraid even to try.
But, being like this, it means to not live at all.
So what is the reason for me to wake up every morning, and yet feel like this ?
For eating, yes, but lately I've lost interest…. or rather, I just eat in order to keep my body moving, and if I'm at home, I just randomly eat things, just to keep my mind busy. Is it healthy ? No, not at all. I've been losing weight since the start of this new year…. slowly but yes. Is it voluntary, yes, partially yes.
Before I lost weight even faster, under fear and stress, I was only 13 then. But when you start to fear everything you do, that follows with a physical punishment, you start to fear the person. I remember that I instinctively retreated every time my biological father moved towards me. Regardless of which part of body, even waving his hand, it terrified me. I instinctively retreated. He even laughed when he saw my actions. What to laugh about, uh ? Proud of your doing to the creature that you just birthed to use a punch bag ?
And, so, he wasn't an alcoholic or smoked or drugs. Sometimes, you don't need those assets to achieve a problematic mental state.
So, my conclusion is, treasure your family, treasure the ones that love you unconditionally.
I'm aware, my case is a peculiar one, and I hope not a similar one.
It leaves shadow, and it still hurts. You want it or not.
Stay strong, it's not easy, I'm still there almost 10 years later. Hang on.