What is wrong with me?
A question. A statement. A feeling. A thought.
One that had plagued their mind, crawled in their psyche and overwhelmed their beings. Something that had passed the threshold of just being felt and ignored. It was...surging, warm and beautiful.
The nature of those feelings that had shifted from mere friendship to perhaps something far more intimate. Neither of them truly understood it—how could they? The rational part wanted to make reason yet the human side… it was wordless.
What both of them perfectly understood was that—
There was something wrong with us.
And the both of them needed to think over it.
And thus, sitting on the customary seat of the Fool at an infinite height above the Spirit world, Klein rested one arm on the armrest of his chair and the other on his thigh, his head leaned back, one leg propped on the other, mind ruminating over his own activities from past several months—or years…
And so did Amanises, not in Sefirah Castle but resting in the spirit world, drowned in the inky darkness that concealed not just her body from the unknown and inconceivable but also her thoughts from any prying gaze or prying sun. Her chest heaved up and down while her mind—she drowned in serenity and clarity.
Let's straighten some things out: A thought that reverberated in both of their heads.
Klein took a deep breath in from his nostrils and out from his mouth, I have been acting weirdly…
My attraction towards Amanises… is unusual. She is my best friend, my only anchor and the person that I have perhaps been closest with even in my previous life, but these feelings… I have never felt them for anyone else in my life. It's a strange warmth and… attraction. Klein sighed. The face of Amanises flashing in front of his eyes followed by every moment spared with her.
From the first time they had met to mere moments ago. Every thought, every sensation, every word, every laugh, every cry, every bicker and those sweet moments of stairs, innumerable sensations begin to surface on Klein's psyche and body as if pulled out from history—not forcefully but purely out of instinct.
Her every word feels like a thread wrapping around something delicate inside me. Her voice almost instinctively draws my attention like it's meant for me alone. Haha… that softness to it, a softness that presses into the silence we share and makes it feel fuller somehow. His eyes twinkled with yellow, shimmering against the crimson stars that floated all around the Realm of Mysteries within Sefirah Castle.
When we work together, even the brush of her fingers against mine feels… unreal. Not in the sense that it surprises me, but in the way I begin to anticipate it, almost craving it. Those small, incidental moments when our hands reach for the same page; when our shoulders brush against each other… Those moments stay with me longer than they should. He lifted the hand that rested on his thigh and massaged his temples letting out another sigh.
And then there are things like that dance. That dangerously close moment, far too intimate for what we are or what we were supposed to be. I still don't know why I initiated it, just that it felt right at that moment! And after it was over, how long did I keep thinking about it? The memory resurfaced.
The way she looked at me then. How close her breath was. How, just for that moment, I wondered what would happen if we didn't draw the line again.
And in that moment it hit him prompting his eyes to widen and his breath to hitch in his throat.
When did it begin?
When did we… start drawing a line?
On the other hand, Amanises was going through a similar turmoil—perhaps an even deeper turmoil. Her heart was drumming in her chest, louder than she had ever cared to take notice.
Since that day… Amanises muttered inwardly. A cold breath escaped the grasp of her lips while the inky darkness swirled around her, more thickly and slowly as if an inner window to her thoughts.
The day I gained my human body… also the day I got to know of Klein's actual motivation for everything. Even if at that time, I didn't fully grasp why he would choose to stay behind in a world that he did not belong to. A part of me gained an impeccable trust in him—a faith in him. That he won't take a path that would hurt others or put people in danger, that would put me in danger. I… gained trust in my life. Amanises let out a deep sigh, her fingers curling and releasing.
It was a selfish reason. She full well accepted.
I can't help it, one needs to be selfish to survive in this world. And for a time, I thought that was the end of it. Just trust. Reliance. Familiarity. A growing comfort with a man who, despite everything, still grumbled about tea going cold and made faces when the wind blew the wrong way. It should have ended there.
But it didn't.
I didn't notice it—not truly—in those little absurdities. In the smiles and the quieter silences. In the subtle joy and mundane struggles of living alongside a Fool bored out of his mind.
But I had gained something else in those days: A friend. And a worry.
Klein was always my friend. From our very first meeting, I had called him that, even if not aloud. But sometimes I wonder… was it true friendship? If not for Klein being a higher Sequence existence and someone with much knowledge, would I have really taken care to forge such a relationship?
If our roles were reversed that day, would I have done the same?
She did not know the answer to that question. For a long while, Amanises thoughts lulled into silence.
I am worried for him.
I am worried for Klein.
Ever since knowing the fate he had chosen to trod upon, I had always tried to be closer to him. To understand him better—out of curiosity and out of my own worriedness.
Her breath hitched in her throat.
One day he shall ascend to an infinite height beyond any of us could ever imagine or hope to reach with our fragile sanity. He will sit upon the Divine Throne of Mysteries amd become a Pillar of bizarre and Mystery.
And I wonder…
Would he feel lonely?
Will he be lonely?
When time itself fades, when whatever is left of his humanity is thinned to a memory, will he look back and smile? Will he relive some moments—any of them? Will he still be able to cherish it?
Will he talk to anyone? Laugh with someone? Rest?
Will he remember the time we spent? The laughter? The silences?
Or will it all become pointless? Will it all fade into that distant unreachable?
Despite everything he's done, everything he's given up— Will he still find himself alone at the very end?
No one by his side. No one to mourn him.
…He won't mind. Amanises knew that. But she did.
I don't want that to happen.
I wish to accompany him… till the end of time and till the end of me.
I had chosen to advance because that is the only way to have any control of this world. Is that all? Isn't it truly that's the only way for me to meaningfully be at his side?
Amanises closed her eyes, a breath out and a smile that curled instinctively.
Isn't it truly that I have come to…
Her lips parted. She mouthed a word that felt like an illusory dream tugged by a thin black thread, both of spirit and light of fate that had brought two close.
Above the spirit world, in the palace made for Giants of incomprehensible height, Klein shifted slightly in his chair. That day…
I told her the truth. That the world she so dearly wished to return to was no longer ours.
Why did it hurt to keep that truth? I have lied countless times, deceived and fooled every person I have come across. Sometimes I felt bad, others not so much.
But why did this one particularly sting? Why did the weight of another felt so heavy?
Was it the lie itself? Or the person I was keeping it from?
Klein thoughts fell in silence, his hands rested on his legs.
She mourned. A deep breath.
If not openly, I could still feel it. Was I afraid of what our relationship would become?
…Yes.
Somewhere in me, I feared it would all fall apart. That everything between us would go stale—or worse, end entirely—once the truth was out. And honestly, I wouldn't have blamed her.
But beneath that, deeper than guilt or shame, I was scared. Scared of being alone again. Scared of losing the only person who had ever seen all of me— Not Klein, not Gehrman, not Sherlock, not Merlin… Just me. Everything I was. Everything that made me.
I've always kept relationships at a careful distance. Not because I didn't care but because I cared too much. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I didn't want to leave regrets behind when I'd eventually disappear— Hopefully, back to my own world.
There was always someone I played for the sake of others: Klein for the Nighthawks. Sherlock for Emlyn. Gehrman for the world. Dawnye for Justice. Mister Fool for the Tarot Club.
By the time I learned the truth—about everything—it was already too late to build anything real. I could not return anymore.
…Had I always felt guilty about that? Has some part of me always regretted it?
Maybe.
When Amanises came, that blank was filled. I had gained a true friend. Albeit out of selfishness. I helped her and her presence helped me.
But that day…
That day I opened my eyes and saw her mourning, saw the pain etched in her stillness—
The ache in my heart had gained meaning.
Klein's breathing was the most uneven it had been. The emotions curled through every worm of spirit on his body was incomprehensible. No amount of deciphering could have revealed the secrets to him.
"A mockery."
His face crunched. He let out a snicker and then a laugh.
I had wanted to be closer to her.
It was perhaps that moment she became something more for me. Not the future Evernight Goddess, the Sequence 0 of Darkness. Not an Existence that would be beneficiary for me in the future. Not even just a friend—my best friend.
But the woman I came to…
His lips parted, mouthing the word. Not capable of voicing in his thoughts. It was true.
A hand raised covering his agape mouth. A flicker in his eyes was indescribable. His cheeks burned brighter and brighter, almost burning to touch.
He had fallen.
He was So Stupid to fall…
And below, Amanises came to a similar conclusion.
She had fallen.
Fallen Too deep to crawl out.
Was this the true name given to such feelings and care?
Neither of them knew. Neither of them knew if it was right to feel that way for each other?
But…
As it is, They are Selfish.
In an instant, both of them rise—Klein from his chair, Sefirah Castle far quieter and serene than it had ever been. Amanises from her concealed state, the dark releasing her from its grasp without resistance.
The both of them took a deep breath. And walked out to the Waking World.
It was bright and clear, the sun hung above the blue, clear, unconcealed by clouds and mist. Amanises emerged in the middle of her garden. The mute colours of moon flower and the white vanilla extract swayed with the wind, their petals releasing from the grasp of the flower, flowing and flying through the wind. Some got on her silky black hair that swayed with gentless, others touched her soft skin and went by.
She closed her eyes, a deep breath escaped her. And in that moment, a presence loomed a distance away.
She didn't have to turn out to tell who it was. She could feel it. It was instinctual to her.
Yet her body turned, her eyes spreading over her garden and then at the figure that stood at its edge.
Klein.
His hair messily swayed with the wind, forming bangs on his foreheads. His eyes locked onto her, the pupils dilating and contracting, twinkling and shimmering.
She was beautiful.
A large wisp of flowers fluttered in the air in between them.
The only real way to know their answer was: To explore such feelings.
Not to push them back, or to bury them deep somewhere even they won't ever find.
But to act on them. Explore and experience them to the fullest so that neither shall have any regrets. Only the beauty and quiet hum of life.
They were selfish. It was the only way to live.
The sun's glow slightly dimmed. As if it had averted its gaze.
"I Love you." The both of them wondered.
A smile raised on their face out of pure instinct. And Amanises raised a hand, waving towards Klein, motioning him to come join her.
And Klein without hesitance took a step forward.
Towards a brighter, beautiful future with her.