Perspective: Celia
Location: Sylvaris — The White Hart Inn, Room 204
Time:12:45 PM — January 27, 2018
I didn't open the curtains.
I didn't want any sunlight in here. I didn't want to hear the people outside yelling in the street, carts rattling over the stones, merchants selling bread, laughing like today was just some normal morning. It wasn't.
My room was dead quiet, and I just stayed under the blanket, staring up at the dark wooden ceiling boards.
My face was a wreck. My eyes were swollen and hot, and every time my heart gave a thump, my forehead pounded. The pillow under my cheek was stiff and cold from crying all night.
He really just left.
My chest squeezed up so tight I couldn't pull in a normal breath.
He walked out the door. Just like that. Like an entire year together didn't mean anything to him.
Get up, Celia. Stop lying here like an idiot. Get up.
I pushed the blanket off. My legs wobbled when my bare feet hit the floorboards, and I had to grab the bedpost so I wouldn't fall over.
I dragged myself over to the washbasin in the corner. The mirror was right there. I looked up.
God. I looked disgusting.
My eyes were red and puffy. My white hair was a messy nest stuck to my forehead and cheeks. My skin was pale and blotchy. I looked like someone who had spent 6 hours on the floor begging.
Look at what you did to me. I snapped at his ghost in my head. Look at what you turned me into.
The anger hit me so fast it made my stomach drop and my hands shake.
He did this.
He hid everything from me. Every single thing! He made jokes every time I asked a question. He made me feel crazy for wanting to know what was going on. And I stood by him! I almost got killed in Levinton! I practiced everyday just so I wouldn't drag him down—and then he looked me right in the eyes and called me selfish? He called me narcissistic? He said he never loved me?!
You asshole. You backstabbing, lying asshole.
My fists clenched so hard my nails dug into my palms.
You ruined my life. I made you my whole world. I didn't care about anything else, and to you I was just some annoying problem you had to deal with. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you so much.
"I HATE YOU!" I said out loud.
I didn't even think about it. My fist just shot straight into the glass.
CRACK.
The mirror smashed into pieces. Glass broke everywhere, and sharp edges bit right into my knuckles. Bright red blood welled up from the cuts, dripping down into the porcelain bowl.
It hurt. It stung really bad. But honestly? It was better than the pain in my chest. At least my hand hurting made sense.
I pulled the linen roll off the stand, wrapped it around my bleeding knuckles as tight as I could, and tied the knot using my teeth.
I grabbed my coin pouch from the table. I took out 1 gold coin and slammed it down on the wood next to the broken glass. That was way more than enough for a new mirror. I had my own money. I wasn't going to leave here like some thief who couldn't pay for her own mess.
My scythe was leaning against the wall in the corner. Heavy, black, ugly.
Stay there.
I didn't want to carry it. I didn't want to touch it. I didn't want to think about fighting or monsters or training to be useful.
I pulled my dark cloak over my shoulders. Down by the door were the red heels.
He bought these for me.
My jaw locked tight.
So what? They're on my feet. They fit me. They're mine now.
I shoved my feet in and buckled them tight.
Then I pushed a little mana into my hair and face. The white faded away into pitch black, and the bright red in my eyes went dull and brown.
I counted my pouch: 11 gold coins left. All from my own guild quests. I earned every single 1 of them. I wasn't broke.
I didn't need him to buy me anything.
I pulled the door open and walked down the stairs into the street.
The cold air hit my face.
It was 2:15 PM.
The market was loud. People were everywhere. Mercenaries were arguing over pay near the guild board. Women were haggling over apples. Kids were running around yelling.
Over by the fountain, there was this boy and girl standing together. The boy bought her a paper bag of roasted sweets and gave it to her with this big, goofy smile, and she was leaning on his arm looking up at him like he was the best thing in the world.
A bitter sneer pulled at my lip.
Idiots.
Love is a complete waste of time. You give someone everything you have. You make them the center of your entire life. You care so much it makes you sick, and the second you ask them to just be honest with you, they dump you. What a waste of time. What an absolute waste of my life.
My stomach suddenly gave a loud, painful growl.
I hadn't eaten anything. My stomach was completely empty and sour.
Down the street, there was this warm, buttery smell with all these thick spices. It smelled so good my mouth watered before I could even stop it. I followed it toward a wooden food cart wedged between 2 shops.
A big, round vendor with an apron was standing behind a hot flat griddle. He was pressing down this thick, steaming reddish-brown mash of spiced vegetables with a flat metal tool, and right beside it, soft white rolls were sizzling in melted butter, turning golden brown.
The painted sign on the cart said: Pav Bhaji — 4 Silver.
I walked up to the counter. "Give me 1 plate."
The man smiled and ladled a huge scoop of the hot, bubbling vegetable mash onto a tin plate. He dropped a big yellow chunk of melting butter right in the middle, tossed on some chopped onions, and set 2 hot, buttery toasted rolls next to it.
I carried the plate over to a narrow wooden bench against the brick wall and sat down.
I tore off a piece of the buttery roll, scooped up a big bite of the hot gravy, and put it in my mouth.
Hot spices and rich butter filled my mouth all at once. It was tangy, spicy, salty, and warm.
I froze for a second.
I had zero appetite when I woke up. It seemed like I would never want food again. But after that 1st bite, my hands just moved on their own. I tore into the bread, dipping it into the spicy gravy and shoving it into my mouth as fast as I could chew.
It tasted so good it made my eyes sting.
I cleaned the plate in less than 3 minutes. Every single scrap of gravy was gone.
I stood up, walked back over to the cart, and put another silver coin down on the wood.
"Can I get another 1, please?"
The vendor laughed out loud, ladling another huge portion with 2 fresh rolls. "Good food makes everything better, miss!"
I didn't say anything back to that. But after I finished the 2nd plate and wiped my mouth with a clean napkin, I looked at him.
"Thank you," I said, keeping my voice quiet and polite. "It was really delicious."
He grinned and waved as I stepped away.
As I walked down the street, this quiet, humiliating realization popped into my head.
I used to check what Kai wanted to eat before I even knew if I was hungry.
My chest twisted.
Every single time we walked through a market, I watched his face. If he kept walking, I kept walking. If he wanted bitter tea, I pretended I liked bitter tea. I changed what I ate, what I wore, when I woke up, where I walked—everything. I shaped my whole life around what he might approve of.
Why did I do that?Why was I so desperate for him to look at me?
I pulled my hood down over my eyes and walked straight toward the south gates.
I didn't want to be in Sylvaris. I didn't want to see the streets we walked down. I didn't want to walk past the guild hall or the shops or anything that reminded me of him.
By 5:30 PM, the city walls were way behind me.
The stone road ended and turned into rough dirt, winding up through thick pine trees and rocky hills. The sun was going down behind the mountains, making the sky turn dark purple and gray.
I stepped off the trail and walked deep into the trees where nobody could see me. I let my mana drop.
The black dye melted away. My long white hair fell over my shoulders, and the bright red came back into my eyes in the twilight.
Crunch.
Dry pine needles snapped behind me.
"Well, well. Look what wandered off the path."
I stopped. I didn't even turn around.
3 men walked out from behind the trees. Dirty leather gear, hunting knives on their belts. Just cheap, scummy rogues who hang around outside the gates waiting to rob people who look weak.
The scruffy 1 in front grinned, staring right at my hair.
"White hair and red eyes," he said, stepping closer with a gross smirk on his face. "No guild badge either. You're just a little runaway girl, aren't you? Why don't you come with us quietly? We can have some fun with a girl like you."
The guy next to him reached out a dirty hand toward my shoulder.
1 year ago, I would have curled into a ball in the dirt. I would have cried and shook and waited for someone to jump in and kill them for me.
Now?
I was just annoyed.
You think you can touch me?
I just stepped in close, twisted my hips, and punched the leader right in the jaw with my right fist.
CRUNCH.
His jaw bone cracked. He didn't even get to yell; his head snapped sideways, teeth flew out of his mouth, and his whole body flipped over and slammed flat into the dirt. Knocked out cold.
The 2nd guy froze, his jaw hanging open.
I didn't give him a second to think. I spun around on my heel and kicked the hard leather heel of my boot straight into his stomach with everything I had.
BANG.
The kick lifted him clean off the ground. He flew backward 6 meters through the air, hit a pine tree, and the trunk snapped right in half with a loud crack. He crashed into the needles, wheezing and clutching his ribs.
The 3rd guy dropped his knife into the leaves, backed up onto his hands and knees, and stared at me like I was a monster.
I looked down at him. My eyes were completely cold.
"You're not even worthy of my attention," I told him. "Let alone touching me."
The guy scrambled up and sprinted through the bushes as fast as he could, leaving his 2 friends on the ground.
I looked at my wrapped hand. The cloth had some dirt on it, but my knuckles were fine.
1 year ago, hunters chased me with ropes, and I just cried and begged them to stop.
Never again.
I turned around and started climbing the rocky hill.
By 7:00 PM, I reached the top of the mountain ridge.
Just cold, gray granite cliffs and dry grass blowing in the wind.
Down below in the valley, Sylvaris was just a tiny patch of orange dots in the dark.
All the energy left my body at once. Crying all night, walking for miles, punching those idiots—it all hit me together.
I sat down with my back against a big boulder, pulling my cloak around my legs to keep the wind off.
My eyelids felt so heavy I couldn't keep them open.
In 2 minutes, I was completely asleep.
*
Everything went white.
No rocks. No cold wind.
I was standing in this huge, empty white fog. Just white mist everywhere, with no ground and no sky.
Where am I?
"Look who finally fell asleep," a voice said.
It was smooth, teasing, and completely relaxed.
A man walked out from the mist. He wore a sharp white coat, his hands were shoved in his pockets, and he had this lazy, amused grin on his face.
I jumped back, clenching my fists. "Who are you? What is this place?"
"A place where you can actually use your head without crying every 5 seconds," he said, tilting his head with a little laugh. "You can call me Roy."
"Roy?" I frowned. "What do you want from me?"
"I don't want anything from you right now, kid," Roy said, walking around me like he was checking out a stray dog. "Later on, when you stop acting like a heartbroken teenager, maybe I'll give you some errands to run. But right now? You're completely useless. You're just moping around like your life ended."
My temper flared up immediately. "My life didn't end! I'm trying to move on! What do you expect me to do—just act like nothing happened and forget everything?!"
Roy let out a short chuckle.
"He already did."
That stopped me dead.
My breath caught in my throat. "What?"
"He already forgot and moved on," Roy said, his smile fading into something totally flat and serious. "For Kaiser, putting you behind him took about 12 hours. For you, it's going to take years if you stay this blind."
My chest hurt so bad I couldn't even speak for a second.
"You don't know that," I mumbled, my throat tight. "You don't know him."
"I know him a lot better than you do," Roy said, stepping right up to me. "You spent an entire year begging for love from a man who does not care about you, Celia. And he never will. Even if you loved him with every piece of your soul, it wouldn't change a single thing."
Hearing that made my stomach twist.
"That's not true," I whispered, my voice shaking. "He saved me. He protected me."
"He babysat you," Roy corrected bluntly, holding up 1 finger. "In his eyes, you were never an equal. You were never someone he could see as a partner. You were just a damaged little girl he picked up off the dirt and had to manage. Look at who Kaiser actually is. He's secretive. He's manipulative. He keeps every real thought behind 10 different walls and smiles while he lies straight to your face. He's cold, calculating, and detached from everyone around him."
Roy looked right into my eyes.
"Even if you changed everything about yourself—even if you became the strongest woman in the world—I doubt he would ever love you."
My chest seized up.
"Why...?" I asked, tears stinging my eyes. "Why wouldn't he?!"
"Because he doesn't have a heart to love someone." Roy answered plainly.
The words hit me right in the center of my chest.
There was no mockery in his voice anymore. Just a cold, undeniable fact.
And deep down, I knew it.
It's true.
Even after everything I gave him, even after standing by him through blood and fire, he couldn't tell me 1 truth.
He was never keeping secrets to protect me. He kept secrets because he doesn't let anyone in. Not me. Not anyone.
"You've been asking the wrong person for answers your whole life," Roy said, stepping back into the white mist. "Kaiser doesn't have the answers to who you are. Stop waiting for a boy who doesn't even have the heart to care back. Stop waiting for him to tell you you're allowed to exist. Go find your own answers."
The mist started swirling around him.
"Wait!" I yelled. "Why are you telling me this?!"
"Because I like seeing people become capable," Roy's voice echoed through the white light as he disappeared. "You have a bright future, Celia. Don't throw it away on someone who doesn't even know how to love. Wake up."
*
My eyes opened.
A freezing gust of wind hit me right in the chest, pulling me back to the cold mountain.
I sat up fast, breathing hard against the rock.
It was dark.
I looked down at the valley. Almost all the lanterns in Sylvaris were turned off now.
It was 10:00 PM.
Everything Roy said kept echoing in my head.
He doesn't have a heart to love someone.
The words stung my pride, but they didn't bring back the blind panic from this morning. Instead, a strange, quiet stillness settled into my chest.
He was right.
I was asking the wrong person for answers.
I looked up at the sky.
Above the mountain, the whole galaxy was spread out across the dark. A huge river of silver and purple stars, burning quietly in the open void.
The anger that had been eating me alive all day was gone.
And then the shame hit me.
I brought up Elfie.
My stomach twisted so hard I had to press a hand against my ribs.
He didn't yell at me. He didn't even say anything mean. He just wouldn't give me the answers I wanted. And because I was furious, because I was terrified he was going to walk away, I threw a dead girl's name in his face. I called her a bitch just to hurt him... I slapped him.
God. That was so ugly.
I was so selfish. I was acting like a spoiled brat throwing a tantrum because I couldn't get what I wanted. I wanted him to protect me, I wanted him to hold my hand, I wanted him to make me feel safe, and when he wouldn't let me control him, I tried to tear him apart.
I stared at the rocks between my boots.
For an entire year, my whole identity was wrapped around him. When I opened my eyes in the morning, the 1st thing on my mind was what he was doing. When I trained, I trained so he would look at me and say I did good. My schedule, my food, my moods—I handed all of it over to him. I made him the center of my entire universe, and when he didn't give me the love I wanted back, I fell completely to pieces.
I can't live like that anymore.
I don't want to be someone who begs for scraps of attention. I don't want to be someone who falls apart the second someone walks away. I have to become emotionally mature. I have to learn how to stand on my own 2 feet, be self-sufficient, and not need anyone's permission to be happy.
I wasn't going to sit here and pretend he was a monster who only did bad things to me either.
He did change my life in the beginning.
That was the honest truth.
When I was dirty, nameless, and starving in the forest with hunters chasing me, he pulled me out of the dirt. He gave me a purpose. He taught me the confidence to talk. He taught me that I had power. He gave me a start in this world when I had nothing.
He gave me a start. But he was never supposed to be my entire life.
He changed my life back then. Now? Now I have to change my own life.
I'm going to prove it to myself—and to him. I'm not some helpless girl he has to babysit. I'm not some weak, needy girl who can't survive without his approval. I am so much better than that.
My left hand reached over and touched the silver band on my finger.
The Ring of Empty Chaos.
The metal was freezing cold against my skin.
I gripped the band and pulled it off.
I looked at it sitting in my open palm.
This stupid ring was the only thing that made me happy.
My fingers tightened around the metal.
He never promised me forever.
The thought hit me with sudden, sharp clarity.
He never once told me we would stay together until the end. He never promised to love me. That was a promise I made to myself in my own head. And if I made that promise... then I have the power to break it.
My jaw clenched. For 1 second, my arm pulled back toward the cliff edge, instinct telling me to throw it into the dark and erase every memory of him.
I swung my arm forward.
My fingers opened.
And then I stopped.
I looked down at my hand.
The ring was still sitting in the middle of my palm.
I couldn't throw it away. Not out of anger. Not out of spite.
A loud, ragged sob broke out of my chest before I could stop it. Hot tears spilled over my eyelashes, running down my cheeks and burning cold in the mountain wind.
"Why...?" I cried out, my voice cracking against the empty dark. I curled my fingers around the ring, pressing it against my chest as my shoulders shook.
"Why was I so unlovable...?"
I sat on the cold granite and let myself cry.
I cried for the girl who spent a year waiting for someone who couldn't love her back. I cried for the lonely nights in Levinton, the terror of being abandoned, the exhaustion of trying to be useful.
I don't want to be the girl who cries over him anymore. I know I probably still will sometimes. And that's okay.
Because for the 1st time, these tears weren't for him.
They were for me.
And that was a start.
When the crying finally stopped, I wiped my face on my sleeve.
I pulled in a long, deep breath of the freezing mountain air until my chest stopped aching and my head was completely clear.
I looked down at the silver ring in my palm again.
No.
This isn't his ring anymore.
He gave it to me, yeah. But I'm the 1 who wore it through blood and dirt. I fought with it. I survived with it. It's mine. It's proof of everything I endured, and it's proof of the person I have to become.
I picked up the ring with my right hand.
I didn't put it back on my ring finger.
I slid it onto my middle finger.
The cold metal sat firm and snug against my skin.
A reminder of where I came from, and a reminder that I was done waiting for some man to make me whole.
I'm not going to beg anyone ever again.
Kaiser has his goals. Fine. Let him have them. I have my own goals now. My father's grave. My sister Lyla. My own strength. My own life.
This is who I am now. This is the new Celia.
I am going to get strong enough that I never have to beg anyone to stay.
Right then, a bright silver streak shot across the sky.
A shooting star.
It cut right through the galaxy, burning bright against the darkness before vanishing into the night.
I watched it go, my hands steady in my lap.
1 year ago, back in the woods when I had nothing, a terrified girl had looked up at those same stars, crying in the dirt, begging for someone to come save her.
Tonight, the stars didn't feel cold.
I looked up at them with red eyes, and made my wish.
I'm just a girl.
And I'm going to save myself.