"Good morning everyone!" The matriarch of the Loud house came into the dining room. All around the table were her lovely daughters starting at the oldest of the house, Lynn Jr., to the youngest, Lily. Her eyes scanned the room once again for a certain someone. "Has anyone seen Lincoln? I want to wish him happy birthday before I leave for work."
"Uhh," the star athlete spoke for the group. "He's not here, Mom."
"Well that's too bad." Rita Loud shook her head in disapproval. "I wanted to cheer him up by asking what kind of cake he wanted tonight."
"I believe he desires something different today." Lucy's monotone voice told her elder.
"Mom," the rugged mechanic of the family raised an eyebrow. "It's his sixteenth birthday."
"Yes," the mother replied with confusion. "It's a big one. Sixteen! He can finally get a license! But your older sisters didn't even bother coming down for it. I thought he'd be depressed about it." Rita raised her palm to her cheek in worry. "Why wouldn't they come home?"
"For heaven's sake!" Lola shouted out like a primadona. "They didn't come BECAUSE it's Lincoln's sixteenth birthday!"
"Why would that matter?"
"Mother," Lisa pushed up her glasses before putting it bluntly. "The age of consent in Michigan is sixteen."
A heavy silence hung over the room.
The intelligent girl continued without remorse.
"Quinlan arrived at exactly midnight and tossed stones at Lincoln's window." The genius started painting a very vivid picture for the entire table. "From there they proceeded to get in her car and drive to an undisclosed hotel. Without a doubt, Lincoln and Quinlan climbed the stairs to adulthood early this morning… and possibly reclimbed them a number more times afterwards." Lisa quickly glanced to her watch. "Perhaps once for every year he's been alive at this point."
"I need to sit down." A paled faced Rita took a seat in one of the open chairs.
"Lisa!" A couple of the girls at the table denounced the girl's direct tactics.
"I hardly see the issue." Lisa stood her figurative ground. "Lincoln and Quinlan have respectively held back at the wishes of our parents and the law. It's to be expected that they would engage in passionate copulation when it was finally possible." The Loud mother wobbled in her chair.
"Yeah, but you don't just say they were going to, to." Lana's eyes darted towards Lily who was blissfully eating her sugary cereal. A smile was present on her face hearing a story about her brother. The tomboy lent in and whispered. "Have sex."
"Preposterous!" Lisa's lisp flared up only slightly, something she had hoped to suppressed in the years. "A mother should be proud to hear of her son becoming a man."
"Lisa!"
"Yeah!" The six year old, Lily shouted out. "Linky's a man!"
"Lily!"
"I think I'll go lay down." Rita stood and tried to stumble her way to her room. Her foot kicked a small box on the ground. "What's this?" The mother lifted the box and came face to face with a warrior from the ancient city of Troy.
"Hmm," Lisa was by her side. "Lincoln must have dropped them in his rush to mate with Quinlan."
*Thud*
Everyone looked at the fainted mother.
"If she allowed me to continue." Lisa paid little heed to her mother's condition. "Quinlan has been taking birth control in preparation for today."
"Sigh…" Lucy walked up and grabbed her mother's arms. Lynn went for the legs. "Lead with that next time."
"I too have predicted several next times."
"Quit it, Lisa!"
"...My error."
=======
"Excuse me, doctor." A curly haired brunette woman looked up from her chart to her patient. "Your last name is Loud, correct?"
"Yes," the brunette smiled. "Quinlan Loud, Mrs. Diller."
"I'm sorry if I'm mistaken but," the middle aged woman flustered a bit and glanced to the side. "Do you happen to be married to that handsome masseur down the hall?"
"The one with white hair?" Quinlan simply smiled and subtly flicked her faded bee pin.
"Yes!" Her patient shouted out like she had just won the lotto. "So you are, my apologies I recognized the name."
"No problem at all," QL, formerly referred to as QT, told her rehabilitation patient. "We get it a lot."
"Of course," Mrs. Diller waved it off as silly. "You, an attractive physical therapist, him, an attractive massage therapist, working in the same building. Quite a romantic story." Quinlan rolled her eyes. Looks like it was time to play her favorite game again.
"Actually we were childhood sweethearts." Now for the clencher. "We have a five year age gap."
"Pish posh, I got you beat, sweetie. My husband and I have an eight year gap."
"So you do." Quinlan smiled and flipped to the final page of her clipboard. She added another tally under the larger side of the board.
"Ooo, and speaking of your husband" Mrs. Diller whispered as if she had juicy gossip.
"Hey, honey bee." An arm wrapped around Quinlan's hip and he placed a kiss on her cheek.
"Not in front of the patients, dear." Mrs. Loud chided at Mr. Loud.
"Oh, don't mind me." The patient in question gave the go ahead.
"Mrs. Diller, lovely to see you again." The white haired man tipped a fictitious hat to the women.
"You too, Mr. Loud." She greeted. "Oh, my daughter's going to be so disappointed to learn you're married."
"Happily so," Lincoln gave a cheeky hug from behind to his wife. "We have a boy of six and a daughter of two."
"Such a sweet couple." Quinlan's patient cooed.
"Mmmhmm," the masseur agreed. "I come over everyday to have lunch dates with my beautiful, generous wife."
"No fast food." His wife ignored his complement.
"Aw, shucks." Lincoln jokingly said. "Afraid I'll lose my six pack."
"Wouldn't be the first time."
"It was a festival of food trucks, honey bee." His hands were on her shoulder as he swayed. "Plus you'll put me back on track won't you?"
The doctor sighed and shook her head. "Give me a minute to get Mrs. Diller all wrapped up and we can go."
"Will do!" Lincoln let go happily and went to the employee lounge. The patient watched as he left before commenting.
"You don't get a lot of men like that now of days." Quinlan finished her sign off.
"No. You really don't."
…
End of the epilogue… but not of new stuff.
=======
These gags are the ideas I couldn't get to work.
Anyways here we go!
Quinlan's Graduation day…
"Dear…" Mr. Timber came in from the back porch of the house. The father had a worried look on his face. "Who is that white haired boy Quinlan is kissing? After a spectacular graduation ceremony, it was time for QT's graduation party at the Timber house. It was at this point he saw his daughter kissing a young boy.
Crap I forgot to tell him!
"O-oh…" Mrs. Timber stuttered out realizing her husband had been in the dark for two years at this point. What?! She spaced! "That's Quinlan's boyfriend."
"I beg your pardon?"
"He's a freshman." Next year, she failed to mention.
"Doesn't he seem a bit youn-"
"They promised, to not do it until they are both of legal age." She inserted.
"I like the boy already!" The father smiled and went back to the party.
========
Some random day with the OCs...
"Good job, Lincoln." Rachel congratulated the white haired teen. After high school, Quinlan's workout pal took the dive and worked as a personal trainer. In an effort to help her out, Lincoln was set up to be one of her first clients. "Keep it up and you'll really sweep QT of her feet. Well, more than you already do."
"Haha, thanks, Rache." The loosed up his arms from all the bench presses. "What's next?"
"Let's get you on an elliptical to finish. Should build up a mild sweat and calm you down overall." The strawberry blonde told him.
"Sounds good."
"I'll check out which ones aren't reserved." The shapely girl went behind a desk to check a list.
"Hey, Rachel." A familiar yoga enthusiast approached. "How's Lincoln doing?" Winter asked.
"Great, he upped his weight again and increased his rep count." The women puffed her chest out in pride. "Looking good if I do say so myself."
"I'd say," Winter pointed towards the boy chatting to two overly friendly older woman.
"Oh dang, the cougar squad again." The trainer rolled her eyes. "They've been at him every second I'm not with him."
"*Pfft*, that's hilarious." Winter looked at her phone. "Hey, Quinlan's in town and wants to check on Linc's progress. Can tell her to come?"
"Yeah no problem." The strawberry blonde said as she found an open machine.
"Alright, send."
"Cool, now to just get Lin-" Rachel looked around. "Winter, where's Lincoln?"
"Oh crap…" a ding on here phone told her QT was on her way.
"Cougar Squad!" Rachel shouted to the heavens.
=======
Night of Cristina's junior prom...
"Sis, are you sure?" Cristina asked her sister still at college. "He's your boyfriend."
"It's fine, sis." Quinlan re-insured her. "But I'm still going with Lincoln to senior prom. We promised." The curvy brunette flicked her bee shaped pin.
"That's fine." The doorbell rung in the distance. "He's here."
"Have fun sis," Quinlan told her over the phone. "Oh but not too much fun."
"C'mon, sis." Cristina unlocked the front door. "It's not like I'm going to-"
"Roses for a beautiful girl." A tall drink of water stood at her front door, his chipped tooth almost dinged with a shine.
"Bah bah bah."
"Sis? Sis?!"
*click*
Cristina ended the call.
=======
A random night with Lisa...
"Okay, Lisa." Lincoln handed off his daughter to the genius. His son, Quill, slowly walked passed his aunt. "Make sure you lock everything up this time, please."
"Of course, brother." The scientist found his lack of faith disturbing. "Now go and enjoy your evening fornicating."
"Lisa!" He saw his wife blushing behind him. "We're going to the movies too."
Quinlan nodded vigorously behind him.
"Anyways," her brother continued. "Thank you for watching the kids tonight. It really means a lot."
"Certainly, now go and copulate till another niece or nephew is born."
"Again we're seeing a mov-"
*Slam*
"Lock the doors," she lifted Lincoln's daughter to eye level. "It's like he doesn't trust me, my smallest niece. What am I going to do? Send you to an alternate dimension?"
A large green flash came from her laboratory.
"That was the gate… wasn't it."
=======
A random visit day to Lori's…
"Okay, Quill," Lori, mother of two, had to clarify. "Once again, my daughter's name is not Loan."
=======
A random day in Lori's third pregnancy...
"Hey, Bobby, what do you think of the name Loan?"
=======
Lincoln and his son play Chaos & Catacombs…
"And you swoop in and save princess Loan from the red dragon!"
Quill lept for joy.
=======
Taking Lana to a race…
"Thanks bringing me here, Quinlan." The teen nodded back to the little mechanics thanks. Lana's voice suddenly turned robotic. "Whoa, is that the one racer I like from that one episode, Bobbie Fletcher?!"
"Why I think it is." Lincoln voice also was strained. "I wonder if she'll make you part of her pit crew and also notice how attractive my girlfriend is then ask her to be a flag girl?"
"Do mean this was going to be an excuse to describe me, Quinlan Timber, in a Japanese racing dress?" Quinlan Timber asked.
All turned to the reader.
=======
Lincoln and Quinlan's wedding reception…
"Anyone want to explain why the 'money dance with the bride' turned into 'dance with the groom'?!" An annoyed, newly dubbed, Quinlan Loud asked her maid of honor.
"Sorry, Sis." Cristina tried to comfort her. "Should have expected something to happen when you invited all of Lincoln's clients." The younger Timber's thumb flipped through a few dollar bills.
"*Sigh*, go ahead, Sis." QL dipped her head.
"You sure?"
"Yes," The bride irately told her sister. "Just get Becky's hand off my husband's money maker!"
"Will do!"
Quinlan Loud would have to wait another twenty minutes to dance with her husband again. It was Loud Prom all over again. If there was anything to feel happy about it was the fact her rival's proceeds would be going to a pay for a better honeymoon.
=======
Alright, let's finish with a really jokey longer ending. I don't consider this canonical, but I find it funny.
The sound of idle chit chat filled the cafe. A barista foamed a latte to perfection. In a small corner booth were four friends, and formal 'rivals', sat together. It was one of their usual catch up breakfasts, time to ooze about their kids and chat about life. Nothing tended to really happen here other than friendly banter, but today was different.
"Um, hey, Becky?" Quinlan Loud fidgeted in her seat.
"What's up girl?" The redhead's laissez faire attitude was amiable to all but the curly haired brunette was still uncomfortable.
"So you know my husband, Lincoln?"
"Uhh, duh." The redhead raised an eyebrow, as did the rest of the table. "He's basically the reason we're such good friends…"
"Quinlan, is something wrong?" Carol asked out of concern.
"No, nothing is wrong." The curvy mother of two waved here hands in denial. She turned back to the redhead. "Just, Lincoln's birthday is coming up..."
"Don't do it, Quinlan." Thought the blonde girl as she took a sip of her coffee.
The busty brunette twirled her hair. "W-what do you think of him?"
"I'll do it." Becky stated firmly.
"Shiiiiiiitttttttt." Carol face puckered with envy.
"Oh, well… you don't know what I was ab-"
"A threesome, right?" The redhead cut her off. "I'm totally up for it." Finally, her being happily single was about to pay off.
"Wait!" The blonde woman didn't mean to yell, it just happened. "I-i mean, what's this about, Quinlan?" Carol asked, desperately hoping her jealousy wasn't seeping out. "Are you having a dry spell?"
"Oh heavens no." The brunette shook her curls. "We do it so much we have to bulk order condoms."
"Sooooo jealoussssss." Carol hissed in her head.
"Our children think the house is haunted due to all the moaning." Quinlan just continued not noticing how hot and bothered her friends were getting. "He puts bread in my oven so much we might as well open a bakery."
"Whoa girl!" Becky shouted out. "Hold up, you already convinced me."
"No, no." Dana scooted in more. "Keep going." Carol glanced to the woman's chest, Dana's nips were about to poke two holes through her wool sweater.
"Look," Quinlan lent back. "Lincoln has been such a wonderful husband, caring father, and one hell of a generous lover. I thought I'd reward him a bit."
"Great idea!" The redhead nodded enthusiastically.
"I thought so too... but," The curvy physical therapist sighed. "He said he'd never want me to be with another man, and he wouldn't have a double standard."
"Good going Lincoln!" The blonde woman cheered in her head.
"Wait, wait, wait," the redhead saw her chance, to get a bit of Lincoln in her, slipping away. "You asked him already?"
"It was just pillow talk… fantasies and stuff."
"What does he like?" Dana was now uncomfortably close.
"Uhh, stewardess, magical girls, cowgirls."
"How about frisky boy models?" She wiped some drool from her mouth.
"The ones that wear-"
"Bunny Ears!" Carol's eyes widened after her own interjection. They had sworn off the pet names years ago. How could she slip up so easily. "I mean, yeah the ones with rabbit ears. Hahahaha" A nervous laughter showed her deteriorating sanity.
"Ignore Care Bear, Honey Bee!" Tigress saw the taboo was broken. There was no way she'd let her white russian slip out of this one. "This is a gift, right? You can't preface it by asking white russian. It needs to be a special surprise! He needs to enter the room, turn on the lights, and see us bent over the bed so he can get straight to the cave diving!"
"Do you think that'll work?"
"No it won't," Carol looked on with fear at her friend, Dana. The blonde's mind was in chaos. She could see the lust in her eyes. Please, don't do it, Dana! If you say it, I'm going to want to as well! "You need someone who loves Thumper as much as you do!"
Don't do it! Don't do it!
"That's why it should be me!"
Oh god she did it!
"C'mon, two brunette babes servicing that snow hare!" Dana grabbed her fellow brown eyed girl by the shoulders. "It will be the best night of my- I mean, his life."
"Oh shove it!" Becky reached across the table. "We need to be the ones doing gland-to-gland combat. Bunny Ears is going to pass out after one go on Linc's excalibur. He needs some frisky felines to knock boots with, and this tiger's ready for service!"
"No." Don't do it Carol! Have some self respect! "You need someone you can trust. Someone who will be gentle and loving. Not two floozies who just want a Rip-'n'-Dip. You need a girl who will help you tame cub's lusty passions." Oh god, I've gone crazy. "That's why it should be his Care Bear." Carol finally said it.
"Eff off! He needs a run on the wild side with his Tigress!"
"What he really ne-"
"Can it, Bunny Ears!"
A boisterous argument ensued between the rekindled rivals. Little attention was paid to any dignity the group had. If anything, they were lucky that their constant back and forth muddled their vulgar innuendos. Quinlan simply watched as her dear friends began to seriously fight over being a second fiddle.
"Girls."
"No, white russian will stir my up-skirt yogurt!"
"Girls."
"Eff off, Cub will be pounding my punani pavement!"
"Girls!" Quinlan's shout finally got to most of them.
"No, I'm going to be the sausage wallet for Thumper's meat rocket!"
The entire cafe heard that one.
"Erm hmm." The group turned to an overly calm female manager. "Do you mind taking this outside?"
Silently they all got up and left the building. They weren't banned, but they made a conscious decision to never return to that cafe.
Two weeks later…
"Honey Bee, I'm home." A slightly tipsy Lincoln Loud returned from having a birthday drinks with his pals. It wasn't too late as he knew the kids were staying with his parents. His lady love and him were going to have an especially exciting night.
"I'm in the bedroom, sweetie!" A goofy smile dotted his face as his wife's voice echoed down to him. Going to his refrigerator, he looked into the chrome reflection. Checking his breath and hair, the white haired stud gave himself a cheeky wink. He was about to leave but stopped himself. Reaching into the fridge, he took out the whip cream. Walking down the hall he whistled and shook the can in preparation.
Reaching the bedroom door, he opened it.
"Hi~ sweetie/white russian/cub/thumper."
A loud clunk was heard as the whip cream hit the ground.
In a myriad of different seductive poses, his sexy wife and her friends laid across their king sized bed. Each wore a frisky boy's bunny costume with black pantyhose but with differentiating details. Quinlan wore a yellow outfit with small shoulder strapped bee wings and two antenna. Becky wore an orange costume with black stripes and an extended tiger tail with matching ear. Carol wore a purple latex outfit with bear ears and bear claw mittens. Opposite of her was Dana, who obviously put in the most effort. The woman was the most traditional, purple cloth, white bunny ears, fishnet stockings, and finally a cotton tail. Add in some minor painted whiskers and it was evident she really loved this.
"Honey Bee… what's going on?" The white haired man's heart was a jackhammer.
"Just a birthday surprise~" Quinlan's most sultry voice caused a shiver down her husbands spine.
"I can see that." He gulped. "I mentioned I don't like double standards."
"It's okay, sweetie." His wife crawled forward. "I don't mind. I just happened to know some lovely ladies who found you as charming as I do."
"A-aren't some of you married?!"
"Divorced." Care bear smiled.
"Mysterious accident." Bunny Ears stated.
"Nope, single tigress in heat." Becky purred.
"I-ii see." Lincoln stuttered out, he was holding himself back. So far, so good. He tried to maintain his resolve. "I don't think I could handle four amazingly, beautiful women."
"Four?"
Two hands laid across his chest.
"Hi~ Lincoln/Lame-o."
Glance left, Cristina in a blue outfit with a feathered headband.
Glance right, a very sexy latina: Ronnie Anne.
"Come on, sweetie." Quinlan strutted towards him, swaying her hips the way he liked. "I've bragged about you for years. Don't disappoint them."
His resolve finally broke.
"Yes, ma'am."
Happy Birthday, Lincoln.
The end
…
No seriously this time.
Eeyup… no real lemon. Just heavily implied.