Season: Autumn
Weather: Fine with glorious warm sunshine and a shower of colourful autumn leaves
Day of the week: Tuesday
Date: 19th March, 2024
I spent most of my day today sitting in a garden watching the falling autumn leaves, enjoying the speckled sunshine and the picnic of sandwiches and hot soup in a thermos. I didn't really think of anything. To be honest, I didn't want to think of anything.
So I've been sitting outside in a daze, lost in my own thoughts, watching the sun climb and fall, listening to the music of the wind in the trees and rustling fallen leaves. I watched the wind blow in little eddies here and there, making the leaves dance in little swirling pillars before settling back down.
Little sparrows, both males and females fluttered and hopped, chattering as they came and went. A few bold and daring ones even darted around me. A young one rested boldly on my right shoulder before chasing its fellows around the garden.
The little sandwiches were delicious. There was a tuna and mayonnaise with lettuce. A roast chicken sandwich. A delicious egg sandwich and even a curried egg sandwich. There was a fresh pickled cucumber sandwich too. Ham, tomato, lettuce and cheese made another. I nibbled them slowly through the day, finishing with the simple peanut butter, jam and butter sandwiches, and the cream and fruit sandwiches.
The soup in the thermos had been a rich beef soup that warmed the body as it went down and soothed the stomach. The herbs were subtle and the hint of pepper had been delicious, warming the tongue in between bites of my cold sandwiches. For once, no celery had been used. Not that there's anything wrong with celery, but I prefer my soups without it. And so, without the celery, I felt the soup tasted far clearer and brighter.
I took the time to examine my battered leather shoes. The ends were scuffed and it looked like they needed a bit of a brush and layer of polish. The worn curly ends of the strap sticking out the buckles reminded me of how long it had been since I had last bought myself some new shoes.
The shoes and clothes that my two bosses had previously bought didn't count. Although they had turned up in my wardrobe here in the dark shadow lord's place, I didn't really consider those things mine. They were more like borrowed things that I didn't have the right to keep wearing. They were a sign of favour that would no longer be extended to me.
It was a reminder that even my stay here with the dark shadow lord was transient. Momentary. Eventually, I would be forced to move on.
When would I ever find a lovely life and home that was mine. One where I wouldn't be pushed away? Where I felt safe?
Maybe such dreams only belong to those born under more auspicious stars. I wondered if my real, biological parents had ever loved me. Had they been excited for my birthday? Had they thought of names for me with sweet anticipation? Had they been happy to have me?
Or was it like how Bezel's evil boyfriend had said. After all, his parents and mine had been acquaintances. Or that's what he said. He had seen me when I was a newborn, mewling and crying for milk in the sun. How just like his birth had been an accident, I too had been considered a burden and a bother. An irritable annoyance in the lives of our real parents.
Apparently, he had already been taking care of me for most of the time during my infancy, feeding me with bottles of diluted milk and helping to change my nappies when the adults ignored my cries of discomfort. Was that how he had been so practised when the time came to look after Bezel?
I wondered why his parents had made him pretend to be a girl and brought him up as one. Why was that?
He said that he was the one who had gotten us both adopted together into Bezel's family. If it weren't for his efforts, I would probably have been left abandoned somewhere to die like he had been. He said that after whatever happened that resulted in our parents' deaths, he was the one who had kept me alive.
I know nothing. Only what he's told me.
At first, I was the only one who knew he was a boy, dressed and pretending to be a girl. It was our secret. Until Bezel came along and a whole lot of stuff happened. I'm not entirely sure why. I still don't understand. What happened that he was finally ready and willing to shed the girly persona he had been keeping up all through school? Why had he one day told our foster parents the truth?
It had happened out of the blue. He had already started torturing me long before, but that had nothing to deal with why he finally made his real gender known after so many years of being careful to hide it. I didn't understand. Still don't.
He and Bezel both told me that I was stupid. That's why I couldn't understand anything. Maybe I was really stupid. Dense. I really wasn't as smart as them in school, but that didn't mean someone shouldn't try to explain it to me. Maybe I would be able to understand then?