-
-
DATE:18th of May, the 70th year after the Coronation
LOCATION: Concord Metropolis
-------------------------------------------------
-
-
As I lay there in a puddle of some cold, black liquid, I couldn't help but think about my fate. Wasn't love supposed to keep me away from this place? Perhaps it was just coincidence that I'd gotten to sleep soundly after making love.
I couldn't help but feel frustrated, especially because all of those movies about heroes had bored me out of my mind.
Emily was curled into a ball, crying her newfound eyes out.
"You said we—we wouldn't be here anymore."
"When did I ever say that?" She was traumatized from last time. I couldn't feel bad for her, could barely care, but it wouldn't do me any good to lose this asset if her downsides were already in effect.
I mustered whatever strength I still had and propped myself up with one hand. I did so with the other and forced myself onto my knees. Then I crawled toward the android. Girl. Whatever.
Blood was falling from the sky like tears. It was a gentle fall with painful impact. Emily was hugging her feet tightly. I raised my hands over her small body and pulled her into a hug.
"Hey, it's okay. I'm here with you." She was weeping while calling out my name like some broken calculator. She was still stunned by the horror.
Even if this piece of trash was useless for the moment, she was still made of flesh. While she wasn't programmed for pain, she also wasn't built to feel love. It wasn't like I could feel it, but she wasn't me. I planted my lips on her dirtied cheek and gave her a warm kiss.
I repeated that until she stopped shivering.
It was simple to guess how an unfeeling machine would react at her first stimulus. Even if the rain falling on us was cold, I could feel my body radiating heat. Hers even more. She looked at me with mesmerized eyes, lost in a trance just like I had been for Alice. But I didn't know what she saw. Alice's eyes were beautiful, not human. Mine? They were black, scarred with suffering. There was no light within them. No wonder the Changeling still remembered me from when I went by Nameless. It wasn't that my eyes were special—many people with trauma shared them. But it was always said that when you got this kind of look, you didn't have long to live. This was the gaze of a man without hope. Without a reason to live.
What did Emily see in these eyes?
Her nose and cheeks were red, but not from the cold. I wiped them off and could sense them hot, burning with a red blush.
Her heartbeat was pounding through my skin. I could feel it from here. This wasn't because of fright, though. It was something else.
For the first time since its inception, this screwed-up design, forgotten by her creator for decades, felt love. She was frozen in this state. She couldn't comprehend it.
We stayed like that for long, long minutes. It was only us, our gaze, and a vast emptiness. I was surprised my father didn't come.
I had such a beautiful girl in my hands, dazzled by my own actions, pressed against me so that our hearts beat the same. Her face was so pretty, yet something was wrong.
Even like this, I couldn't feel anything. While my heart beat, I was empty. I wasn't enthralled and neither stirred. I stared at her with my empty eyes. Each second, hers became more alive with emotion, yet I was the same.
It didn't matter how long we remained like that. As long minutes turned into hours, I still couldn't feel anything. Even as my hands grew weak while holding her, I couldn't muster the care.
Why... Why couldn't I? It wasn't that I saw her like an object. It was clear that in this place, Emily was as human as any other being. Perhaps more human than me. I wanted to cry with her in my hands, to have my heart ache at this idea that someone finally was here to understand my suffering, to understand what I was going through, but I couldn't feel a thing.
I couldn't muster even a tear.
Even if our hearts beat the same, I couldn't feel any spark in my chest. It was as if I was holding a corpse.
Perhaps I was the corpse.
Yes, it was true.
When Sasha said I was a monster and she summoned the title of "The Nameless" within, this was what she meant. It wasn't that I was nobody. It had nothing to do with my role in the world.
I couldn't function as a human.
Could I even be called one at this point?
Why? Why couldn't I feel?
As I put this... girl in my lap, I couldn't help but wonder—why couldn't I be sad?
I was aware of how horrible of a being I was, yet I couldn't even discern any displeasure. "This is just who I am" was what I always rationalized to myself, but how was this any excuse? I wasn't a fool. I was aware something was wrong with me.
Yes, I thought I understood why father didn't come. What better torture was there for him, when he knew I couldn't feel physical pain, than to let me stay with this girl in my arms, this prototype with no soul that somehow was more human than me.
"What does that say about me?" was what he probably wanted me to think. Was he that foolish? Did he think it affected me that much? Surely he was aware this wasn't the first love I couldn't reciprocate. Yes, certainly he should have made use of that ghost if he wanted to get to me.
But...
The fact that he didn't come meant I was affected, at least on some level. Strange.
What was more curious was that this... thing that was affecting me wasn't a general effect. Humans were bags of water and meat. They were organic calculators governed by stimuli like hormones. This was why drugs affected us—they took on their effects. If I couldn't feel anything, meaning something was wrong with my hormones, I wouldn't be able to get it up when having sex with Alice. On some level, I must feel human contact and the hormones that resulted from it.
So why was it that I couldn't actually feel love? I could associate human contact with reproduction, but why couldn't I do that on a deeper level? It was all so strange. Why had I never thought about it before?
We were so close our noses touched. I was much colder than her.
"I'm here for you." I was still stuck with that false pretense. What else could I focus on?
I thought she would still be out of it, but Emily forced back a tear and finally responded.
"So... so am I." There were many tears held in her eyes. Emily wanted to be strong. Was it for me or to finally prove something to herself?
"I—I am here for you, William!" Such a pure statement. I was starting to admire this thing's capacity. Sadly, her words went straight past my ears. I heard what she said, but I didn't have any reaction.
I felt pathetic.
What exactly did she see in me?
I had nothing to offer.
Hah, perhaps even my nothing was enough for her. Even this forced, false, obvious masquerade of care I gave for her well-being was enough. Something that was neglected from its creation. A fate denoting only suffering.
This issue that had pressed her this whole time—abandonment and neglect—even a douchebag like myself could fill that hole in her heart.
For once she was happy. But I felt mocked. I felt pathetic. I'd always ignored the lack of sense for my life's continuation. Frozen in time, a walking corpse running on borrowed time. I felt aggrieved that such a pitiable being had reached a higher level of existence than me.
Was I angry? For once, I thought so. But it wasn't with her. It was with myself.
Are you happy, Father?
For once in these twenty years you made me crack.
I wanted to kill her. With my own hands, to snap her neck. It wasn't anything personal. Purely my body acting on reflex through hate. It was human instinct to avoid, or more commonly make disappear, factors that brought discomfort.
It wasn't something I could resist. It was clear I wasn't in sound mind.
My hands were moving on their own. Placing their darkened fingers around her small neck. Tightening.
Even as she started gasping for air, Emily kept repeating a phrase I was starting to dread.
"I love you." Over and over again I heard these words echo in my mind. With every repeat the voices grew stronger. It was deafening. It hurt. What did this broken device know about love?
I could feel my own eyes tearing up as a scream escaped my own mouth.
So many people. So many consciousnesses.
It wasn't one girl. There were many. And many more afterwards.
But they were all Emily. I closed my eyes from the pain.
Just as I was about to hear her neck snap, I blinked.
I was back in the apartment.
It was dark, but I could see clearly.
My hands were wrapped around Alice's neck, trying to kill her. It was a useless effort. I wasn't nearly strong enough to do such a thing to her. Days ago I'd been scared of her doing it to me, so what was happening now?
Thinking about it, Alice and Emily were so similar...
Physically, not in any other way.
Yes, it was as if she'd had her body modeled after the small girl. Alice was pleading words I couldn't hear. My ears were still ringing from what Emily had said.
Seeing me uncooperative, Alice pulled me closer and held me in a hug.
She did... the same thing I'd done for Emily?
Whispering softly to my ear, how "she was here for me," how "it was alright." No! We weren't doing this!
That was what I wanted to say, but I had no strength. She far overpowered me, holding me tightly, but without inflicting any amount of pain.
I felt powerless.
Oh, so powerless.
I... just couldn't.
I lost it.
For the first time in what felt like decades, I cried.
I cried from my whole heart, with my lungs' full capacity. I just couldn't contain myself.
Lost in the embrace of a girl half my weight, I cried for what felt like an hour.
She caressed my hair softly, but it wasn't a motherly embrace. Thinking about it, this was where Sasha had failed to read me. I didn't love my mother, so what good would she make by replacing her?
Alice's skin was so soft. And her eyes... I was aware they didn't glow, but I could see them perfectly even in that darkness. I had them memorized in my mind, and I was lost.
Sometime after that I managed to muster some strength.
"L-let me go. I'm... I'm fine now." She made one serious glance, feeling like her gaze pierced right through my body, before letting go. I placed myself on her left, still recovering from crying so much. My nose was puffy and my lungs were shivering. I wasn't familiar with this sensation.
"What happened, Will?" Her voice was soft, but I could tell she was seriously worried about me.
"I—uh... had a nightmare." I couldn't think of anything to explain what had happened. Yes, in hindsight the situation was so strange. I'd probably woken her up from all that strangling.
"I know there must be a lot going on in your mind. Talk to me. Just like how you were there at my lowest point, I am here for you." She was very firm in her tone. I didn't like that. This wasn't something I could just discuss.
"I don't know... It's really nothing..."
"Talk to me, William. I won't let you go the path I took." Now here she lost me. For a bit, I'd been thinking that Alice was mature for once, but this kind of dialogue was clearly from one of the books she'd read. I cringed horribly at this thought, but perhaps this was exactly what I needed as it sobered me up. Hopefully she hadn't seen my expression through the darkness, but I doubted it.
"It's just... I've been having nightmares since I was young. It's not really something I can explain."
"I did hear that your trauma was too much for even Sasha to handle." This was what I meant when I said she was scarily naive. Because she wasn't actually naive but just pretended as if she was. I was sure that very few of my schemes had gotten past these marvelous eyes, yet she kept overlooking them. I didn't understand why.
"So if you know that, then you should understand. This isn't something I can deal with or that you can help me with." We had to set some boundaries if I was going to stay here until I managed to escape. What was I talking about? Trying to distract myself from what had happened? No, I honestly didn't think she could help me. But was she really unable to? I'd just cried for all those hours in the void. I'd thought I couldn't anymore.
"You are right, I can't help you by taking those burdens away. If it was that simple, we wouldn't be in this situation. But I really, really care about you. You are the first person for whom I ever felt like this." She paused and dragged her hand gently across my wet cheek.
"You are not alone anymore. If you have something burdening you, let me share it. Tell me about it." She then softly pressed the tip of her index finger on my lower lip.
"It's... fine if it is still tough for you. I understand. But I am here. If you feel like talking. Or when you do. I am always open to your worries."
I hesitated to respond, mostly because I did not expect her words to hit me so hard. It was clear that I felt something inside.
"I want you to understand, William, that I love you with all my heart."
It was a powerful declaration, but I wasn't hurt like when Emily said it. What difference did it make that Alice was the one to say it? I wasn't sure...
What I knew was that I was tired. So tired.
I vividly remember saying, "I... I love you too," before my eyes closed. I would like to think it was a reflex, but I wasn't sure, and it scared me.
I wasn't sure that—
And then I fell asleep.
When I woke up, Alice wasn't in the bed.
I felt vestiges of so many emotions from yesterday, but I had to bury them away lest I be overwhelmed. I dragged my feet out of the cushioned embrace of the blanket and into the hallway outside.
Alice was in the kitchen, wearing an apron... and making breakfast?
She noticed me as I got closer and signaled with her index finger to take a seat. I guessed that today I would receive the royal treatment.
In the time she finished with the pan, I couldn't help but gaze at this delicate woman who had confidently declared to take care of me.
Unlike her usual baggy clothes, this pajama was tighter and complemented her figure greatly. I just didn't get what she saw in me. It wasn't even that I looked bad—I took great care of my appearance—but Alice wasn't the kind of person to care about that. Was it really just that I was UltraMan's cousin? This was what I'd thought at first, but the more time we spent together, the more that theory faltered.
Who exactly was this girl?
She didn't make my heart bounce in excitement, but I felt... something. Something out there, for a person like me.
A few minutes later, I was presented with the food she'd cooked.
It was nothing special. Eggs, bacon, and toast. I could prepare much better, healthier food than this. But there was something in the fact that she, who lived by delivery or instant food, had bothered to make me even this simple dish that hit me in some place in that deep, dark heart of mine.
I felt a tear. It wasn't anywhere near the level I would have it leave my eye, but even the fact I felt it meant something.
What kind of influence was this woman having over me?
I enjoyed the breakfast more than I should have considering what it was. I even bothered to praise Alice for her cooking. She really liked that gesture.
We were technically supposed to have a proper training session with the team today, but Alice called beforehand to let them know I wasn't feeling well, so we'd do that another time.
I thought that I'd perhaps been in a more unique dream, but when I looked at Emily's chat history, it was filled with endless repeats of the same phrase: "I love you." Damn. My AI got even more useless.
Alice got the idea to have me buy another suit, or at least a mask. I supposed a skull was a bit much for a "hero."
The shop she brought me to appeared to be a quaint, old-fashioned tailor's boutique from the outside, with a classic wooden sign and traditional window displays. Inside, however, the atmosphere changed. The shop had the feel of an upscale tailor's, with shelves lined with fine fabrics and mannequins dressed in high-end clothing. A long, polished wooden counter ran along one side, and the shopkeeper—a well-dressed, soft-spoken tailor—greeted customers warmly.
Behind the scenes, hidden compartments revealed state-of-the-art superhero gear. Specialized materials: Kevlar-like fibers, adaptive camouflage suits, gravity-defying boots. The fitting rooms had advanced scanners that tailored outfits to enhance abilities. Traditional tailoring blended with futuristic technology. The shop's understated elegance hid its true purpose from casual observers.
I followed Alice, reminiscing about past times with the tailor, before I took the initiative.
"I need another mask," I said, my voice coming out more certain than I felt. My eyes swept the shelves and the counters, expecting to find it waiting there. But there was nothing.
The shopkeeper looked up from his workbench, his hands stilling over a piece of fabric. "Another one? You haven't ordered one, have you?"
I frowned, the sense of déjà vu creeping in. "No... I didn't. Well, not from here."
He gave me a strange look but didn't press. Instead, he nodded and gestured for me to follow him to the back, where he kept his tools. "All right. Let's get to work, then. What's it going to look like?"
"White," I said without thinking. "With black letters." There was a pause as the words came to me, clear but inexplicable. "Aionis," I added. "Write Aionis in black."
He arched an eyebrow. "Aionis? What does that mean?"
"It's eternity in old Ventian," I admitted, shaking my head slightly. "It has to be there."
Without further question, the shopkeeper began crafting the mask, his fingers deftly cutting the white fabric and stitching it together. As I watched, I felt a strange sense of anticipation, like this mask was important—more important than I understood.
The shopkeeper then took the fabric and placed it in some kind of plastic or rubber material. Then he made a chant in a language I didn't recognize, and the fabric merged with the solid material. They had become one.
I had the mask done on the spot. That was better than most grey-side equipment providers. No wonder the heroes got another suit even if they tore them up every mission.
The rest of the day was uneventful.
When I went to sleep, I found myself sleeping... fine? I had no nightmares tonight.