When I woke up, I was back in my cove, looking at the fairy lights that dangled above my head. I groaned, shaking off the sluggish bones that were trapped inside my head. I tried to raise myself up, placing a hand over my mouth to suppress the rising vomit I felt like releasing.
A hand on my shoulder, and everything went away in an instant. All the pain and discomfort vanished instantly.
I relaxed in her grip, falling back into her chest, where her mellow breathing was felt throughout my body. I hummed, sighing in comfort as her hands came around to hold me closer.
"Do you feel better, Vienna?" Her smooth voice let out, hands coming up to run through my hair and down to my open back.
"Yeah, thanks to you." I giggled, pushing my face closer to her warmth.
Janus giggled and leaned forward, resting her head gently on mine. Her weight was light, and her hair cascaded over my shoulders, displaying a shimmering blonde color that transitioned into a bright, dusk-orange hue. I didn't hesitate to run my fingers through it, captivated by how it shone against my light brown skin.
The goddess moved her head to rest on my shoulder. "You are no longer tense."
"Cause of you," I giggled, leaning my whole weight into her.
Janus smirked, her lips brushing against my neck, causing me to shiver. "It's not all because of me; you give me too much credit," she said. I sighed, enjoying the warmth of her presence. Before I knew it, time slipped away as we sat in silence together. I couldn't tell how long it had been since I left the sentencing room, but I guessed the next session would begin shortly.
So I didn't sleep, I rested my eyes as I lay in her arms. I didn't want her to disappear, so I stayed awake with nothing to say.
That was until Janus loosened her hold to peer at me through her one-sided bangs. "I do have a question for you, dear." I turned slightly to give her my full attention. "Your dreams... Do you fall asleep on purpose to see them?"
I was about to shake my head when I stopped. I think I had done it before, but that was only once. I couldn't recall if I had done it more than once, maybe if I was really curious.
I shrugged, "I think.. not all the time though. Every time I do, I feel pain, and I don't like pain. But I have done it before."
"Do not do it again." Her voice grew stern, yet it still carried the same light air. I tensed slightly, turning to look at her golden eye, which was deeply gazing into mine. "Please."
Her voice cracked, and I felt my heart shatter at the sound of her strained yet desperate tone. I swallowed my fear and leaned in to kiss the side of her temple before resting my head against hers.
"I won't let that happen. I promise," I sighed, feeling her tense hands relax around me. She pulled me closer into her lap, and I allowed her to do so. "What would happen if I lost control? What if it happens while I'm sleeping, Janus?"
"I will try to keep it away from you, my angel," she said with a sigh, pressing her head deeper into my shoulder. Her weight felt almost weightless, except for the warmth that she always radiated. "I will do my best, but you must fight it."
I glanced toward the end of my bed where Casper was lying. He was gazing up at us, nestled between our intertwined legs. When our eyes met, he lifted his head slightly.
"Fight it." I tried not to scoff.
"Yes, dear, you are strong, and I know you can control it."
I beckoned Casper to come over, and he did. I could tell he was hesitant, and I felt the pang of guilt before he relaxed in my lap. I laced a hand on his head with my own one coming over to my stomach, where Janus held me. "I.. I don't think I can, Janus."
The goddess shifted, taking hold of my hand and entangling our fingers together. "You can."
I closed my eyes, feeling heat build in my face. "I'm not... I'm not as strong as you think I am." I turned, removing my hand from Casper's to rest against Janus's cheek, which was just inches from my own. "I have tried... I really have!" Tears welled up in my eyes as I fought the urge to crumble in front of her. "I have tried to fight it, but I'm not strong enough! I've failed to stop the memories, the pain... everything." I did crumble, but I was in her arms, unable to fall back into the pain that accompanied my tears.
"My darling..." Janus whispered, kissing my cheek where I hadn't even noticed the soft trickle of tears running down. I clutched her hand tighter, desperately trying to calm my sobs while all she did was hug me closer. "You have a fighting spirit, a brave heart. You will have the instinct to fight it, and you will win." She leaned in to kiss the side of my mouth, just shy of my lips, before pulling back to look into my eyes. "Trust me."
How could I not trust you?
I smiled, leaning further into her until I felt my heart rate calm into a regular beat. Her gentle fingers brushed away the tears on my face, as if they had never existed in the first place. My room was calm, quiet, and slow-moving as we sat together. I had a peaceful heart, so I trusted myself to speak in a normal tone.
"Janus.. can I ask you something?" She hummed a yes. I gulped before deciding to lighten up this dull mood to question something I had always wondered about. "Your... your eye? Or, well, I was wondering why you only have one."
She tilted her head to the side as if she were pondering something, then stepped back and offered a small, almost shy smile. "It's strange... I don't think I have a proper answer for that." I turned to her, genuinely surprised by her words. "I've always had one eye; it's always been a part of me. I don't have a reason that I know of for how I got it."
"But you know most of the beings here have two eyes, right?"
She giggled at my look, pushing her face closer into the crook of my neck. "Of course I do. I wished I had knowledge as to why I have only one to give you a fun answer."
I giggled, my cheeks turning a deep shade of red. "I don't mind your answer anyway. You're still beautiful." I leaned my head down to rest on top of her, finding it oddly fascinating how she seemed to… change?
I could already tell that Janus was more of a tactile being—perhaps a goddess? I'm not sure how to describe it, but this felt different. Maybe it was because I was more comfortable this time, rather than being a blushing, embarrassed mess, that I was able to notice her transformation. It wasn't a bad change at all. In fact, I love how she holds me, kisses me, and touches me.
I love everything about her.
"Janus..?" I don't know when I opened my mouth, but I couldn't stop the lumbering thoughts in my head. Janus hummed in acknowledgement, allowing me to continue. "Do.. do you think I'm actually.. dangerous?"
She pulled me closer into her. "No. No, I don't think you're dangerous because I know you are not." I looked up to her, resting peacefully against her chest. "You're not dangerous, just.. hurt."
"I.. I don't want to be hurt anymore." I held back the tears, unable to cry again in front of her.
She kissed my head, her fingers gently smoothing out the tense muscles in my wings as they traveled through the feathers. "I won't let you get hurt, Vienna," she whispered, pressing her weight more against me from behind. "I promised, didn't I?"
I smiled through the tears threatening to spill over. "Yeah, you did, and I believe you." I sniffed and brushed my fingers along her hand that rested on my chest. "I don't want to sleep. I can't trust my own mind to... remember." I heard her sigh, causing me to tense against her. "Please, Janus? Can we just talk until my next session?"
"Of course, darling," Janus responded, and she did just that. Well, she mostly just listened as I was the one to ramble on and on.
She listened, humming in acknowledgment when I asked her questions, and she did her best to answer me. I became lost in my own words, watching as they flew around us while all she did was listen. Her warm hand made its presence felt against my back, gently running up and down in a way that almost lulled me to sleep.
Time passed, though I have no way of knowing how much, since time is always shifting in Wonderland. However, I could sense it moving quickly. Soon enough, Janus began to ask her own questions, which I eagerly answered.
It was fun.. nice…
Much better than sleeping, of course, and I was familiar with Janus. She kept her promise about no pain this time. A small part inside of me knew that it could sneak up on me, that if Janus is busy that there is a possibility that pain can sneak up and wrap itself around my neck until I could breathe.
But right now, it was good.
I will not blame Janus for the pain either way; I knew that she cared and that she tried. I just wish I could try harder, so that I can try more and fight the pain. Take control, just like the nature that took back the small greenhouse behind the palace.
Janus had made it seem like I was in common with it. That I can, in fact, take control over myself and my own mind and stop the pain.
I was the cause of it in the first place; I had to be. Why else would I be the only one affected?
I wish I had more answers. I would ask Janus about it and try to inquire about the Lords down in the Underworld, but she didn't have the answers I sought. She completely dismissed the idea of me being connected to them, to the hellish creatures she refused to discuss. I let the topic go, recognizing the way she shuddered at just the thought of it.
"Do you like sweets more? I can tell you ate a lot of them at the Cupids' party."
"Really?" I giggled, "How can you tell that?"
"I could smell it on you, you smelt like the pastries that are always in Cupids Cove."
I let out a bashful chuckle, feeling slightly embarrassed. "W-Well.. I do like sweets; they help me feel better when I am stressed. But.. I also like salty stuff."
"Do you? What about spicy food?"
"Er.. I don't hate it, but it can become a lot for me." I huffed, "What about you? Do you eat at all?"
Janus thought for a moment. "No. We goddesses do not need to eat. We can taste, but that's about it."
"Then what do you prefer?"
She hummed, "probably sweets if I had to choose. They are very helpful in brightening one's mood."
I blushed red, "Haha, they do."
The buzzing of my wrist made me let out an exasperated sigh. I really didn't want this moment to end. I loved being with Janus, and just talking to her was enough for me. As I shifted in my seat, Casper jumped from my lap. I turned around, almost forgetting that I was sitting in the goddess's lap. She looked at me without a care that I was straddling her, and oddly enough, I didn't mind it either.
"The session is starting." I looked down, not wanting to let go of her.
"You seem unhappy?" Janus placed a hand to cup my cheek, and I sank into it. "Do you not want to go?"
"No.. It's just… I don't want to leave you."
Janus gave me a sweet smile, sitting up so I fell back behind between her legs. "Can I take you there? We can fly and continue speaking if you wish."
My heart skipped a beat, and I could not stop the smile on my lips. "I would love that."
She returned my smile, "Let us go then."
Holding hands with Janus and watching Casper fly in circles around us, we arrived at the battle arena much quicker than I had anticipated. A wave of warmth left my body as I reluctantly let go of Janus's hand. She wished me luck before stepping away, disappearing from view before anyone could notice.
Casper had been excited to enter, but now, as he witnessed Janus fade into the distance and my mood souring, he fell silent. I took a deep breath, brushed off my emotions, and forced a smile. I had enjoyed myself; it was important to carry that joy with me. I should be happy—I was finally going to have the chance to fight in the arena today.
I pushed through the already open doors and saw many warriors sitting and chatting. My gaze fell on Arden and Apollonia. Arden, the blonde warrior, looked quite unhappy, while Apollonia was trying her best to cheer her up. When Apollonia noticed me, her smile became crooked, but she stayed by Arden's side.
"Vienna, it's good you showed up!" She said, placing a heavy hand on my shoulder.
I tried not to scowl at her. "Yeah, of course I would."
She shrugged and pulled me to the other side of the arena, distancing us from Arden. When we stopped, her smile faded, and her expression turned serious. "Look, I need to tell you something that I know you're not going to believe." I turned to face her, feeling the weight of my armor growing uncomfortable against my skin. "I know Arden might seem tough on you, like she doesn't care, but she actually does care."
I scoffed outwardly, rolling my eyes away. "Right.."
"Listen, kid." I tensed at the word, recalling a familiar face before it vanished from my mind, overshadowed by the tall warrior's hands gripping my shoulders. "It might not seem like it, but that's just Arden; she does care about you." My weight shifted, and I eyed Apollonia with suspicion, struggling to believe her words. Yet her eyes and serious expression seemed almost desperate. "So please, don't fight."
I stared blankly. "What?" I wasn't expecting that.
"I'm telling you not to do this fight. Not to go against Arden, or anyone in fact."
I stared on, eyebrows knitted with apparent, frustrated confusion. "What do you mean? Can't Arden just decline this one-on-one if she doesn't want to fight me?"
"It's not that easy," Apollonia shook her head heavily. "Arden is unable to disagree with the Warrior Goddess, so it's up to you to decline this fight." A shaky smirk grew on her lips. "I know you can if you really wanted to; you don't have any fear talking back to the goddess."
I bit back a growl, feeling myself tense. I turned away, shrugging off her hand on my shoulders. "Why shouldn't I fight her? Tell me why."
Apollonia let out an exasperated groan, clearly annoyed. "Look, I already told you. Arden cares about your little daft self." I glared at her. "She doesn't show it. But she cares—cares enough that she can't—no, doesn't want to fight you."
My hands clenched tightly, the scrap of armor digging into my covered palm. It didn't make sense, and the parts that did feel right only added to my confusion. I wanted to dismiss her persistent reassurances as meaningless, but I had little to counter them. Apollonia and Arden were close; of course, the pink dream warrior knew more about her than I possibly could.
Though even the thought of dismissing this fight, of telling Ballona that I didn't want to do it, sent me into another angry fit.
I wanted to do this; there was nothing else.
Even if Arden didn't want to fight me because she "cared" too much, she would eventually get over it. She might care, but not enough to avoid hurting herself to fight me. I wanted this; I had been wanting it for so long.
I could feel Bellona's piercing gaze on me. I didn't turn to look back, instead maintaining a steady focus on Apollonia. "I don't care; I've been waiting for this fight," I said. I turned to leave, unable to look at Apollonia's shocked and hurt expression. "Arden can get over it. She can't possibly care about me that much."