The next pair up were with the older warriors. I didn't recognize them, so I felt myself slowly fade into a dull enthusiasm. Of course, I made sure to keep keen eyes on their movements, sometimes taking it in so maybe I could learn that back with Axel.
As the man slowly made his way down, he finally settled beside me. Casey and Arthur were engaged in conversation and focused on the fighting, while Casper was peacefully snoozing in my lap. I let out a hearty sigh, noticing how the warrior seemed completely unfazed by the fact that he had just traveled four rows to sit next to me.
Finally, I grew irritated and swung my head towards him. He didn't look back at me, so I cleared my throat until he did. The warrior raised a brow, looking innocently confused.
"What?"
"Really?" I couldn't help but deadpan. The male shrugged, leaning back onto the seats behind us like he did this every day. I groaned, turning back to the fight as I spoke, "What do you want, Axel?"
"What are you talking about?" He half laughed, making me slightly fume.
He always knew how to get me riled up, didn't he? "Did you travel all the way down here just to annoy me?" I shot him a sidelong glance. "You really are committed to being a nuisance."
"Har har," he joked, finally giving in to look at me. "I wanted to ask you something, but I don't think right now is a good time."
I raised a brow. "So why come all the down here?" He turned away, obviously feeling slightly embarrassed. "Might as well tell me now. Don't leave me confused."
I shrugged, resting my head on my hand. "It's just... I don't want to say I'm worried or anything. That's why I came here to talk to you." I suppressed a laugh when I noticed him blush slightly. However, the amusement faded, and his expression turned serious as he looked me in the eyes. "But... do you understand why you can feel pain?"
I mentally groaned, going back to being annoyed. "I already answered that. I don't know."
"Yeah, well… Okay." He caught onto my annoyance, letting it go with a swift turn of his head. "Can you maybe.. tell me what it feels like?"
"What? Pain?"
He gulped, looking slightly down. "Yeah.."
I let out a puff of air, rubbing Casper's neck to try and calm my racing heart. How could I explain it? I really don't know why I can feel it, so how could I possibly begin to explain what it feels like?
"Well... it really hurts," I said. That wasn't a good explanation; he clearly didn't understand what it meant to feel pain. I needed to be more specific. "It feels like a drilling sensation—kind of numbing. It's constant, and at times I can feel it in my chest, my teeth, and my bones." I let out a shuddering breath as I felt my wings tremble. "It takes over my mind and my whole body. It crushes the breath out of me and makes it hard to think... All I can feel is the pull of my own skin and the tearing inside."
I rubbed my lips, trying to stop my body from shaking. I felt like I had overshared, my fingers were curled, and my body was hot. I caught Axel looking back at me, horrified. He turned, trying to hide the apparent fear in his eyes. Casper was whining, pulling smaller wings onto me like a comforting blanket.
"Vienna..." Arthur suddenly spoke up, a hand placed onto my shoulder, and I jumped. He was staring back at me and Casey as well. "That... sounds horrible."
How long were they listening?
I shrugged it off, throwing his hand off me in the process. I looked at Axel, and he had composed himself. His eyes flickered from me and back to the ongoing fight, like he was battling with himself to stay calm.
"Well, there you go," I joked. "But you won't know the real feeling until it happens to you."
He nodded, straightening his back so he could force his attention to the battle. Arthur and Casey did the same, Casper purring into my body.
I thought that was it for now, but I felt eyes peer into me. It made me shift, struggle to keep my body upright, and focus. I finally gave in to my curiosity and turned towards the eyes.
My body tensed, wings curling on themselves, when I caught Arden's piercing blue gaze looking at me. The scar on her lip made my insides turn.
Apollonia said something to the other person, but Arden turned away before she could stand. They exchanged a few words before walking off. Ballona spoke to the tall chief just as Arden cast one last glance in my direction. She then walked away, heading toward the large hidden entrance where the battle was taking place.
I clutched my hands together, my mind swirling around.
Before I could, I stood up and followed after her. I could see the confused looks from others, but no one stopped me.
I found her leaning on the metal gate in the grass. I thought I could maybe sneak towards her, but of course, I couldn't do that to a literal Warrior Angel.
"Following me?" She let out a breathy voice, forcing me to stop right beside her. I curled my wings together, straightening my back in case she was watching for any fear or disrespect. "I heard your talk with Axel."
I gulped, fiddling my fingers together in hopes it could help me. "Right.. that's why you came out here?"
She shrugged, "No. I just wanted some air away from Apollonia." She laughed, "the babe can be very egocentric." She suddenly turned to me, arms crossed loosely. "Why did you follow me, though?"
Building up all my courage, I forced my voice to stand firm. "That scar. No other angel has one, no one can get one.. no one can feel pain…" I found myself training off, her eyes boring into me.
"Everyone except you." She answered.
I held back an eye roll, closing my eyes and taking deep breaths to finish what I was trying to say. "You've felt pain before, haven't you?"
I managed to look at her, actually meeting the gaze of the mighty warrior. Arden let out a sigh, and for a brief moment, pain crossed her features. It disappeared as she turned away from me, her eyes closing. "I have. Why are you asking?"
"I can feel it. I know what it's like." I took another gulp of my drink. "That's why I think it's okay to ask how you got it." I noticed her tense up, her wings curling back for a moment before she relaxed. "I know it came from.. well, righting the hell beings. But I don't understand why or how that even started."
"The Gate Goddess didn't tell you?" I gave a stiff nod. "Then you shouldn't know it."
I paused, feeling the stubbornness that I knew she hated about me. Gathering my thoughts, I continued, "Look, hellbeings are the only ones who can feel pain down in the Underworld, right?" I could see the surprise and interest spark in her eyes. "And if I'm the only one who can feel pain up here, that somehow connects me to... the Underworld." I quickly shook my head, my palms feeling sweaty. "I don't like it."
"You never talked about this with the goddess?" Arden suddenly asked, shoulders dipping.
"I don't want to admit it.. I'm scared."
"Of the goddess?"
I shook my head quickly and stood up straighter. "No—well, yes." I swallowed my fears. "You might have already heard from the Warrior Goddess, but she thinks I'm a threat. I'm scared that if I share this with Ja.. the Gate Goddess.. she won't be there for me anymore or won't like me."
"So you're scared she won't like you..?" Arden mumbled to herself, connecting the dots.
I slightly feared that she would, but I had to brush that fear away. It's not even the worst about me. When Arden finally caught on, her eyebrows dropped, a smirk escaping from her cut lips. "Oh…"
"So can you tell me?"
Arden let out a loud chuckle, hunching over herself before she caught her breath. "You're telling me all this just so I could tell you about the war?"
The war…?
"Yes. Well- no. But yes?"
She rubbed her chin, stifling a few more laughs until she regained her composure. "Alright, Vienna," she said in a low voice, turning to face me fully. I stiffened, as I hadn't expected her to share this information. "Since you've been able to express such deep and private feelings, I will tell you about the war with the Hellbeings." She raised a finger and placed it against her lips. "But you must not tell anyone else; we keep this part of our history a secret so that others do not fear the world below us."
"Of course." I quickly nodded, understanding where she was coming from.
"It is frowned upon when we refer to it as a war, but that is what it was. It was decades ago, as old as the Warrior Goddess herself."
I could tell that it must have been long. From what I heard, the warrior goddess wasn't the oldest, but she was still ancient.
"It was the main reason she made us train. The other warriors were too confident back then; they thought they couldn't get hurt. Despite the warnings from the Warrior Goddess, they remained overconfident." She let out a deep sigh. "The battle took place on the other side of the gate. The space disconnected both realms, so when we angels were placed in the Underworld, even though it was partially ours, we had to follow a new set of rules and face new surprises.
"The battle was long. I remember it becoming so dire that the Warrior Goddess had to join us, which prevented any of the Lords from taking the opportunity to fly up and escape. When some of them did attempt to leave, the other goddesses were forced to join in and protect us." She closed her eyes, her wings fidgeting, wild and untamed behind her. "I lost my helmet while fighting a Hell Hound. I got caught in the midst of the Hellbeings, which is how I got this scar. But it's not the only one."
"What-" I gulped, my body shaking even more. I had only seen Arden another time with her armor off, but she was wearing a full-body suit. It made me wonder how much she had..
"The pain. It was exactly how you described it," she said, her eyes locking onto mine. "The drilling sensations, the unmovable force pinning me down. I couldn't think or move. That was the first time I truly felt weak. My fellow warriors had fled when the goddess took over. It was the Gate Goddess who saved me, pulling me out of the battle and back to Heaven.
"But I could still feel everything." She let out a shuddering breath, and just hearing it made me feel sad. "I don't remember much of what happened after that. All I knew was that I had lost all of my trusted friends. Everyone abandoned the Warrior Angels out of fear for the next fight." She stepped closer, taking a hard look at me. "No one likes pain in Vienna. Just one experience with that hopeless feeling is enough to hurt even the strongest angels. So I was left alone to uphold the Warrior Angels, with no one but the Warrior Goddess to support and encourage me."
"You... You're strong." I blurted out, unable to stop myself.
She scoffed, "I may fight well with the decades of experience under my belt. But I am not immune to pain, I am not immune to fear." She knelt down, eyes boring into me. "And neither are you."
What?
She stood back up, ignoring my shocked eyes staring at her. "I met Apollonia later after the war. She built me up enough to start the Warrior Angels again. But we could only recruit the younger angels back then; none of the older angels who were here during the war would ever step into a set of armor again."
I felt my breath shudder inside me, pounding against my chest that almost hurt. I refused to let it take over me, rushing over to Arden's side. "That... War, how did it start? Why did it even happen in the first place?"
"Silly angel," She giggled out, rubbing her fingers along her scarred lip. "Do you really think I would know such a thing? Even if I am old, the goddesses do not share such things with us. No matter the context, it is not meant for our ears."
I let out a growl, understanding where Arden was coming from. I still only had more questions, though. I hated how this feeling was. My palms felt more sweaty, wings trembling even harder beside my ears.
Arden walked past me, her hand landing onto my shoulder. "But if you really want to find out, talk with your goddess about the Lord Goddess." She patted me before leaving back to the battle that was now over.
My skin shivered at the mention of that goddess, the goddess that no one talks about. The goddess that no one knows anything about.
The term "Lord" was meant to refer to the rulers of the Underworld, which made me shiver in fear when I put the pieces together. How can "goddess" and "lord" both refer to the same person? This goddess—of course, if anyone were to embody chaos, it would be someone with a name like that.
Arden told me to talk to Janus about it.
But if she wouldn't tell me about the war between the Wellbeing and Wonderland, I was sure she would not tell me about this either.
I wished I could have thanked Arden. The tall warrior answered these questions I had always had. I could relate to her, and I could understand where she was coming from when she mentioned how the pain was, how it felt.
I made my way back to the stands, blatantly ignoring the concerned looks from everyone. All of them except Ballona's. Her eyes were just too strong to ignore.
She soon turned her gaze back to Arden, a question forming in those eyes…
The session was over, we had only been able to go through two fights this time, but I knew that I might be able to get a chance to fight next session. All I had to do was volunteer and hope to get chosen. The Warrior Goddess was the one choosing, though.. I could already tell she did not like me. I wondered if she could allow me to fight?
Arthur was friendly enough to drop me off back at Angels Cove. He was going back to drop Flint off with Casey. He said goodbye, and I waved him off.
Casper yipped at my feet, looking slightly sluggish, which was funny since all he did was sleep on me. I hoped he was up for more sleep since I was planning on it when I got back to my cove.
As soon as I saw my bed, I flopped down on it before taking my armor off. I had not slept in a while, although I had a reason not to.
I turned to my side, pulling Casper into my arms so I could wrap my larger wings around us like a soft blanket. I was honestly nervous about going back to sleep because I knew that each time I did, I would return to that place. All I could remember were things that terrified me and caused me pain.
Even when I wasn't sleeping. I would just black out, and I was suddenly there. Then I was back here, and it was going back and forth. It made my head hurt, my body burned with even more confusion, enough to piss me off.
It made me both interested, made me want to sleep and try and see more into it. But it also made me nervous, every time I closed my eyes.. I thought I could see blood. Either it was my own or a man I took the life of.
I pushed my head into Casper's white fur, closing my eyes and forcing the bloody imagery out of my thoughts.
I had control. This was my body, this was my mind.
Even as I repeated that to myself, the darkness transformed into claws. I let it drag me, believing that I had control. I thought I could defeat it; whatever it was, I believed I had mastery over it.
…I was wrong.