My head was buzzing, and the ache in my chest had dulled. I slowly shifted into a sitting position on the mattress below, holding back a whine until I was lying on my back with my wings gently cupped at my sides. I let out a sigh, finally allowing myself to relax and let my mind wander.
Casper still followed me, and he let me lash out my anger silently as we flew back. I expected him to jump onto the bed like he always did, but he didn't.
I moved my head, staring down at him as he stood by the door. His ears lay against his head, and his eyes were big, staring back at me. I flattened my lips into a line, forcing a smile that did not reach my eyes while slowly patting beside me. "It's okay; you can come up here, boy."
He hesitated for a moment, placing a paw on the mattress and glancing back at me. I giggled and smiled warmly, which seemed to help the pup relax. With his wings pressed flat against his back, he jumped up onto the bed and settled down by my feet. I ran my hand gently over his head and through his feathers before gradually slowing my movements.
My mind went back to that.. memory…
I don't even want to call that a memory.
That would mean admitting that I had actually killed someone—quite brutally, in fact. In that moment, I had convinced myself that it was necessary. If I didn't kill him, I would be the one dead. But did I really have to thrust the blade into him again and again?
I hated it.. I hate that when I closed my eyes, the visual of me thrusting the blade into his chest as he lay unmoving under me, I could almost vomit.
I know why I did it.
I hate that I did… Why did I want to be there anyway? In that battlefield surrounded by the dead, I lost the dog that I had helped train in the K9 unit.
I recall feeling excited about being in the field. Pestering Dawson over and over again about my excitement.
Why the hell was I so excited to do that!?
My throat felt tight and congested. I raised my hand to cover my eyes, pressing my palms against my lids until I felt a slight pain. The stinging sensations gave way to a dull ache; the pain was manageable enough that I could fall asleep and rest. However, doing so would mean confronting that moment again.
Those moments were memories. Memories that I am suddenly deciding to remember?
It made no sense to me, but I gave up on trying to understand it. I had to accept that it was just happening.
And I could do nothing about it..
Janus couldn't do anything either. So I had to deal with it; no point in fighting back.
Part of me wanted to go to sleep purposely to try and get more memories, to piece everything together so I wasn't so lost about all this. But now.. now I am scared to close my eyes. Afraid that if I opened them, I would be placed in the memory of another ruthless killing.. by my hands.
I rolled over onto my side, ignoring the ache build along my ribs.
I don't want to see what I was or what I still am.
My eyes grew hot and heavy, thinking back to the harsh tone I gave Arthur when he tried to comfort me. The growing hatred and rage I get when that Axel guy beats me..
I don't regret it, and I still feel that way even now.
"Ergh…" I hiccuped, crying silent tears with my wings trembling just above my curled form.
I was so confused, hurt, and scared…
I didn't know what to do. Should I sleep and let myself remember? Or should I forget it and return to my old self?
Casper had managed to nuzzle between my arms while I was tugging at my hair in frustration. He whined softly, rubbing his nose against my cheek, trying to coax me into letting go of my hair. Finally, I released it, shaking slightly as I held him close. His wing draped over my chest, where I was bruised.
His warmth and gentle movements let me breath and catch my breath. I still cried, silently, but it was apparent enough for me to curse at myself.
I finally came up with an idea.
Even though I knew remembering things is not the best thing to do.. I had to.
Janus had warned me, she didn't want me to remember because it caused me pain. I didn't want to remember because of the pain as well, but that ticking drill into me over and over was looming. I had to face this, I had to see what I am. What I had done.
I will not like it. I already hate myself for what I've done, but now I can't be left in the dark. Not from myself.
I have accomplished many things, and I am capable of achieving even more. However, I need to identify what those things are so that I can let go of them. This understanding helps my heart slow down and my body relax as I lie in bed. I close my eyes, allowing the darkness to envelop me, and I surrender to it.
. . .
—
Janus stood still alongside the other goddess, who remained in the large palace, which felt loud and filled with energy. She smiled, gracefully nodding to the angels and cupids alike who greeted her as they danced around and ate.
The large goddess tightened the hold she had on her hands, and a pulling sensation tugged at her heart enough to hurt.
Vienna was hurt. Something had happened to her angel, causing pain. The pain seeped right into the goddess and ripped at her unbreakable expression.
She let out a hard sigh, making the Mother Goddess turn over to her. The brown colored woman placed a steady hand on her shoulder, shifting Janus's gaze up.
"Are you alright, honey?" She spoke, brightness in her eyes.
Janus forced a smile to soften her face, straightening her back that connected her wings. "Yes. I am alright, I will excuse myself."
Before the Mother Goddess could speak, a cold presence blew along Janus's back, and an equally cold voice sounded. "Leave to the angel Vienna, I presume?"
Janus suppressed a frustrated sound, tightening her expression as she turned to the Attendant Goddess, who averted her gaze. Janus made an effort to widen her smile, gripping her hands together. "Yes, something is bothering her, and I need to check on the angel."
The goddess did not hide the frown on her face, wings straightening up as she spoke. "Janus, you have been leaving for this angel for a while now. Care to explain why?"
The Mother Goddess tensed beside Janus and quickly glanced around the room. The other beings continued to dance, completely unaware of the goddess's words as they engaged in conversation. The floral goddess noticed the Ephorian Goddess and caught her gaze, which carried an unsettling intensity that caused the once-happy goddess to lower the glass she was holding.
She turned back to the other two with her head low.
"Vienna is special. You already know that."
"You did not answer my question." The Attendant Goddess almost sneered.
Janus's eye twitch, and her patience grew thin. She may like and respect this goddess, but she doesn't like the pressure of the rules overpowering her compassion.
"Minerva," Janus spoke a bit more harshly than she meant. The goddess stiffened and lowered her eyes into a glare at the golden-haired goddess. "I do not have to answer anything regarding Vienna. You already know everything about her. What is there to tell?"
Minerva turned to face the other person fully, her wings raised like a looming shadow. "I know everything about her, but nothing about you." She glared at Janus, who did not flinch under her intense gaze. "Tell me, Janus. Why do you devote your energy to this special angel? We don't keep secrets."
"Of course, but none of what I do with her is your business."
The Mother Goddess stiffened more; the other happy goddess was now behind her, looking between the two with a scrunched-up expression. Before Minerva could speak back, she stepped between the two with a jolly smile.
"Hey—hey, come on, ladies. There's no need to fight over an angel. Janus could invite Vienna if she's worried, and everything will be alright."
"Not now, Laetitia," the Attendant Goddess pushed her aside with just by stepping forward, keeping her eyes stern on the Gate Goddess. "Janus is keeping something from us."
"We don't know that Minerva," the Mother Goddess tried to cut in to calm the others down as well.
The short-haired goddess dismissed her concerns, along with the petals that fell from her shoulder when the Mother Goddess touched her. She focused solely on Janus, ignoring everyone else. "We don't keep secrets. Keeping them will only cause harm to others, including Vienna."
Janus stiffened, her wings curling up and her expression hardening like stone. The Mother Goddess quickly stepped in to comfort her, gently easing Minerva's worries with her soothing presence. However, the Gate Goddess never looked at her and continued to turn away, even as the Mother Goddess placed a soft hand on her back.
The Attendant Goddess straightened up, turning back to the crowd in the dance room that continued as is. "We protect. You protect Janus. Do not let an angel hinder your responsibilities."
Janus wanted to respond, but she held back. The goddess ignored the other, turning to face the room with her gaze shadowed by a rising emotion that made the other goddess tense. The Mother Goddess stood between them, feeling the atmosphere grow more charged after Minerva's last words.
She glanced at the Euphoria Goddess, who was standing beside Janus on her other side. Laetitia shrugged her shoulders, puffed out her cheeks, and then, growing bored, decided to walk off and mingle with the angels and cupids in the room.
The Mother Goddess had to intervene, positioning herself between the two to ensure their conversation didn't escalate, as it almost caused Janus to lose control of her emotions. The floral goddess glanced up at the other, detecting a foul, hateful scent directed at the Attendant Goddess. Although she knew the other could not perceive it as she did, she still tried to mask the unpleasant odor with her own gentle floral fragrance, hoping it would help calm Janus down.
She saw no change; only the hateful scent lingered and hugged Janus's body.
There must be something happening between her and the angel, Vienna. The Mother Goddess was now certain of it, sharing the same worries as Minerva had.
—
. . .
I was sitting against the crumbled wall that had served as a barrier during the night. My back was slumped, and my head rested between my knees; I still couldn't think. His blood was still on me, and the images replayed in my mind over and over.
Everyone walked around me, talking to one another, aiding the injured. Even with the people around me, I felt so alone. I felt invisible to them, invisible to myself.
Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is blood.. all over me.. all over him…
"Here," a cold voice pressed into my head. I flinched and approached the man with the cold water bottle outstretched for me. "You need to drink."
I gulped, feeling increasingly thirsty. I took the canteen from him, nodding in acknowledgment, and expected the lieutenant to attend to more important tasks. To my surprise, he sat down beside me. I took a drink, wiping my lips before turning my gaze to him. Dawson seemed oblivious to my presence. He sipped from his own canteen, then leaned back and closed his eyes to rest.
I wish I could do the same..
I let him stay quiet, watching as my comrades walked past us while others sat and rested like I did. I knew we would have to keep moving soon, this was not our stopping spot, and I would have to continue the fight.. I was feeling too sick to continue.
"Stop thinking about it," Dawson suddenly spoke up, startling me.
I rolled my eyes, squaring up my shoulders. "Don't you have more important things to do?" I took a deep gulp from the water, ignoring the older man who sat up to face me.
"Thinking about it will only make it worse."
"So I should just get over it?" I turned a challenging eye to him when he returned.
"No, you will never move past this, Vi, but you will have to kill again, whether you like it or not." I turned my gaze away, closing my eyes and slumping over in defeat. Dawson continued in a firm yet gentle tone, "This is war, Vi. What you did was necessary; if you hadn't killed him, you wouldn't be here now."
I knew that. I knew all of that.
He was right, yet so wrong at the same time. I didn't even dare to try to counter him, since I knew there was nothing to say. Dawson made it known that all I should do is listen. Listen and understand.
"Let this one go, stop thinking about it, or else you will be distracted from the fight." He let out a shuddering breath. "You need to focus on yourself right now. Reflect on what's right and wrong when the fighting's over."
"But the fighting will never be over.." I looked up to him, meeting his eyes. "Will it?"
He suddenly looked sympathetic, placing his hand on my shoulder and giving a weak but comforting squeeze. "No, no, it won't," he said. He stood up, and I watched him as he took one last look at me before leaving. "But your struggle will come to an end when you learn to accept it."
He walked off, putting his canteen away to start calling out orders.
Everyone began to stand up, signaling that we would continue the journey. My legs shook under my weight, and my body felt crushed and exhausted from everything that happened.
Dawson's words played over and over in my head, the feelings drawing out one another with the last man standing feeling unpleasant..
I need to forget about it. Let it go and focus on myself, focus on surviving.
I closed my eyes, opening the bottle to wash away all of the enemy's blood from my hands so I could finally look at myself. I followed my group, the same thoughts running circles in my mind.
He was the enemy. That was all he was.
As suddenly as the sun began to set, Casper's familiar whining broke my eyes open. I was staring up at the wooden ceiling adorned with colorful fairy lights.
Casper grew louder, forcing my aching body up to catch him sitting at the door with his tail ripping, swinging behind him.
"Do you want to go outside, boy?" I laughed as I swung my legs off the bed. Ignoring the strong ache in my ribs, I opened the door, allowing more light to flood into my room. Casper jumped out like he was being chased by bees, eager for space to run around and leap with his boundless energy.
I slumped against the now closed door, my wings closed off to shade me from the sun pouring down. As I watched Casper, I turned to the wide open entrance when a familiar group came in. I caught the eye of the redhead and blonde first, waving at me like I was something important.
"Hey girl," Rory came to my side, sliding over my shoulder and brightly grinning. "We came to wake you up and drag you somewhere, but it looks like you woke up yourself, eh?"
"Ye-" I stopped mid-sentence to shrug them off when Bridget had made her way over to us as well. "Wait, drag me where?"
"There's a party going on at Cupids Cove," Seth answered me.
"Oh? What's it about?"
"We have no idea," Rory shrugged, putting their whole weight into Seth, who struggled to keep them up by their shoulders.
Bridget gave an eye roll, stepping in front of me with a truthful answer. "The party is to honor a new bond between two cupids."
"Bond?" I have been here a while, and I still don't know everything that goes on here.
"A bond between two cupids who have been together for decades without any indifference is truly special. It is an honorable way for fellow cupids to celebrate the unbreakable love within their community. Angels are also invited, and the Euphorian Goddess comes to bless the couple."
"That sounds fun," I said, smiling at the idea and feeling eager to go out and try something new. Casper ran over to my feet, looking much calmer as he seemed to have released most of his energy.
Rory was off near the entrance, their wings spread in evident excitement. "Well, what are you guys waiting for? Let's get going!"
We followed after them, Casper close to my side, so others could not see him flying. We made our way to Cupid's Cove quicker than usual.