The red ON AIR light glowed in the dimly lit studio, which was less of a studio and more of Jason's dad's converted wine cellar. The room smelled faintly of leather, creatine powder, and Jeremiah's lavender hand cream. A neon sign behind them blared their podcast name: 'BROSPHERE: Ascend or Get Bent.'
Jason leaned forward into the mic, cracking his knuckles like a man about to deadlift a car. He was built like someone who actually would deadlift a car for TikTok views, shirt stretched tight across his muscles. He spoke with the confidence of a man who had once read half of a Jordan Peterson quote on Pinterest and never forgot it, or even bothered to read the other half.
"Welcome back, warriors. You're tuned into the number one podcast for men who refuse to be beta," Jason announced, his voice full of gravitas. "I'm Jason, fitness coach, raw meat diet enjoyer carnivore, and your guide to unlocking your inner predator."
Across from him, Jeremiah, his co host sipped noisily from a tall pink drink with dragonfruit floating in it like neon koi. He adjusted his silk shirt and leaned into his mic with all the effort of a man who'd rather be napping.
"And I," Jeremiah said lazily, "am Jeremiah. Relationship strategist, romantic visionary, and— let's face it— your last hope for not dying alone, incels."
Jason clapped a meaty hand on the table. "Hell yeah, brother. That's what I'm talking about." He glanced at Jeremiah's drink. "And before anyone says anything about my co-host's choice of beverage—let me stop you right there." He jabbed a finger at the camera they livestreamed to YouTube with. "That's not a girly drink. That's an *alpha power elixir.*"
Jeremiah blinked at him slowly, straw still in his mouth. But he waited, like a lazy cat who'd tipped the vase and at this point, just wanted to see where this would go.
Jason continued, warming to his own absurdity. "Because pink, right? Pink is actually the most alpha color there is. Red is war, white is peace, men invented both because women are cowards and emotional— combine them and boom, pink. Pink belongs to men. Women just colonized it. Like heels. Historically for men. Look it up."
Jeremiah nodded sagely, still sipping. "Exactly. Women have been stealing from us for centuries. Colors, shoes, emotional labor—"
"Facts." Jason slapped the table again, shaking their microphones. "And that's why BROSPHERE exists. To reclaim what's ours. To guide you weaklings into becoming apex predators."
The live chat on their stream lit up with usernames like *CryptoSpartan420* and *Grillz4God* typing things like "facts fr 🔥🔥🔥" and "based."
Jeremiah leaned closer to his mic, brushing a perfectly moisturized curl out of his face. "Speaking of apex predators— today's episode is about dating. Because fellas, If she has an active instagram? She's cheating. She's not your girl anymore."
Jason nodded. "Facts."
Jeremiah continued, "-If you order a frappuccino, you're instantly unattractive to females."
Jason frowned. "Wait, bro, don't you order frappuccinos?"
Jeremiah waved dismissively. "That's different. I'm hot. It doesn't apply to me."
Jason immediately nodded, as though Jeremiah had just quoted the Bible and not said something which absolutely did not make sense. "Yeah, yeah, see that's what separates alphas from betas. Betas copy other people. Alphas? We set the rules. So Jeremiah drinking a pink dragonfruit thing? Alpha. You drinking it? Beta. End of discussion."
The live chat exploded with clapping emojis.
Jeremiah smirked into the camera, lips stained faintly pink. "Exactly. My rules are universal, but they're also exclusive. Kind of like a luxury brand."
Jason clapped him on the shoulder. "He's like the Louis Vuitton of dating advice."
"Except affordable," Jeremiah said, then leaned back with a grin. "My e-book is only\$29.99."
"Plug it, king," Jason encouraged, flexing one arm absentmindedly.
Jeremiah swirled his straw in the melting ice. "Alright. Gentlemen, my book, 'Alpha Love: How to Dominate Her Heart,' is still available. It's got all my secrets— like, never pay for dinner unless you're also emotionally investing. And never emotionally invest unless you've already slept with her three times."
Jason's face turned serious. "This book will change your life. Like, I've read it three times."
Jeremiah tilted his head. "You've... never had a girlfriend though."
Jason didn't miss a beat. "Yeah, because I'm too alpha for one. It would be unfair. Like putting a lion in a dog park."
Jeremiah blinked, then nodded. "True. Tragic but true."
The live chat was filled with people debating if lions could even be in dog parks.
Jason leaned toward the mic again, his voice booming. "But let me tell you—Jeremiah isn't just blowing smoke. His advice works. Like, he once told me the key to gaining respect is to walk slowly into a room. Like, aggressively slow. I tried it at my cousin's wedding and people couldn't stop watching me. Granted, they thought I was limping, but that's intimidation. Manipulation. Deceit. Stealth. That's dominance."
Jeremiah pointed with his straw. "See? Results."
Jason looked directly at the camera. "You want results? Stick with us. Everyone else is lying to you. We're giving you the tools. The blueprints. The roadmap. Because society? It's designed to make you weak. It supports beta men. But us? We're here to make you strong."
Jeremiah added, "Strong, and hot."
Jason grinned. "Strong, hot, and financially independent. Subscribe to our 500 dollars one on one mentorship per month course."
The chat cheered. Someone donated $50 with the caption: 'teach me senseis.'
Jeremiah leaned back, smirking. "Our disciples are thriving."
Jason cracked open a can of sparkling water, chugged half, and slammed it down like it was beer. "Damn right. Okay, let's take a question from the chat. Uh—'My girlfriend wants me to go to therapy with her. Is that beta?'"
Jeremiah snorted. "Absolutely. Therapy is just paying someone to be your mom."
Jason frowned thoughtfully. "Hold on though, bro. What if going to therapy is actually the most alpha thing? Like, what if confronting your emotions is a power move?"
Jeremiah considered this, tapping his manicured nails against the drink cup. "Hmm. Only if you weaponize it. Like, go to therapy, but then use the therapist's words against your girlfriend. Manipulate her. Establish dominance."
Jason's eyes widened. "Holy shit. That's genius."
The live chat erupted: *weaponized therapy 🔥🔥🔥*
Jeremiah smirked. "See? It's all about the frame."
Jason leaned in, whispering conspiratorially like thousands weren't watching. "Bro, you're like... a philosopher. Like aristotle."
Jeremiah preened. "Obviously. A hot one."
Jason looked at him with genuine admiration, and for a second, the live chat forgot about therapy and debated if they were lowkey in love. But no, that was beta.
Jason cleared his throat, flexing again for no reason. "Anyway. That's today's wisdom. Reclaim pink. Reclaim heels. Weaponize therapy. And never forget—you're not just surviving. You're thriving."
Jeremiah raised his cup in a lazy toast. "To the alphas."
Jason clinked his water can against it. "To the brosphere."