Hero froze.
Morgana froze.
The café froze.
And the man in the doorway… did not freeze, because of course he didn't. He was too busy vibrating with excitement like a toddler hopped up on five Red Bulls and a questionable life philosophy.
Hero's eyelid twitched.
The figure was wearing red spandex, dual katanas, and the aura of a man who had not only read the script but also stolen the editor's notes.
Of course.
Deadpool.
Hero exhaled through his nose. "I suppose, in hindsight, this does count as an ordinary evening."
And on an "ordinary" evening?
Even more so.
In fact, Hero had been expecting him.
Just… not thirty hours early.
"Deadpool," Hero sighed.
Deadpool gasped.
Actually gasped.
Deadpool sprang up like a caffeinated cat. "OH. MY. GOD. He said my name. He knows me. Senpai noticed me. "
Hero closed his eyes. Here we go.
"I KNEW IT. I KNEW YOU'D BE HOT IN PERSON. Internet fanart was RIGHT." Deadpool screamed, pointing both katanas, thankfully sheathed, toward Hero. "I FRIGGIN' KNEW YOU WERE OPEN! It's fate! Destiny! Narrative convenience! The author finally gave me screen time!"
Morgana's tail fluffed. "I thought we locked the door."
"We did," Hero muttered.
The door behind Deadpool obediently locked itself with a click.
Deadpool finger-gunned it. "Nice try, kiddo. But plot armor beats locks every time."
Morgana leapt in fright, then hissed. "What is THAT?!"
Deadpool froze.
Then—
A gasp.
A hand over his heart.
A trembling lip.
Deadpool gasped. "OH MY GOD, MORGANA! Talking kitty sidekick! I've always wanted one! I can hear you! I finally understand you! I knew this day would come! I AM A DISNEY PRINCESS!"
"I AM NOT A CA—wait, you can hear me?"
"Of course I can, buddy!" Deadpool said cheerfully. "I'm fluent in mascot."
Morgana opened and closed his mouth. "That is… not a language."
"Is now. Do the meow thing."
"I don't just 'do' the meow thing—"
Deadpool leaned closer.
Morgana sighed…
"Meow."
Deadpool exploded into sparkles. "KYAAAAAAH!"
Deadpool leaned in towards Hero, hands on the counter. "I forgot. Hi, Deadpool. Professional menace. Fourth-wall destroyer. Long-time admirer. HUGE fan. Seriously."
Hero pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Good evening, Deadpool."
"NO WAY—YOU DID THE POSE! The disappointed protagonist pinch-the-bridge-of-your-nose pose! Look at you—so eloquent. So gentlemanly. So protagonist-coded."
Hero offered a thin, polite smile. "I do what I can."
"And you do it WELL," Deadpool declared, pointing at him like an overexcited fanboy. "You're THE Phantom Thief. The wild-card wunderkind. The teenage-heartthrob-who-is-actually-not-a-teen-anymore-but-still-looks-like-one."
He stepped forward, the café's lights brightening instinctively, like the café itself was nervous around Wade Wilson.
Hero raised a brow. "You seem excited."
"Excited?" Deadpool gasped. "My man, you are literally the isekai fanfic protagonist of this world! You died, got reborn, kept your memories, and then got the entire Persona 5 skill tree like some kind of Premium Gacha SSR package! You, sir, have LIVED the dream of every webnovel reader!"
Morgana snorted. "He's not wrong."
"Traitor," Hero muttered.
"YOU!" he declared dramatically. "THE Trickster. THE guy who saved the city, saved the world, saved—well, EVERYTHING! Twice! Thrice! Quice? And you did it WHILE LOOKING THIS GOOD?!"
Hero blinked calmly. "It was… a group effort."
"Stop being humble, you handsome anime protagonist," Deadpool scolded, waving a finger. "Let me fangirl in peace."
Hero simply clasped his hands behind his back, posture relaxed, a faint amused smile flickering in the corner of his lips, the kind that said I have doubts about every life choice that led to this moment but I am going to endure anyway.
Deadpool suddenly produced a bag. A massive bag. Santa Claus–sized.
"Oh no," Hero murmured.
"Oh YES," Deadpool corrected.
"AUTOGRAPH TIME!"
Deadpool's Merch Showcase™
Before Hero could object, Deadpool unloaded a bunch of merch onto the nearest table like a proud merchant in a JRPG presenting priceless relics.
Hero stared.
Morgana stared harder.
"Welcome to Wade Wilson's Limited Edition, Totally Legal, Definitely Not Stolen Collection of Phantom Thief Memorabilia™."
Item #1:
A chibi Joker figurine holding a tiny dagger.
"Bought this at Comic-Con. Had to beat up a guy dressed as Ryuji for it. To be fair, he swung first."
Hero raised a brow.
Item #2:
A limited-edition Phantom Thieves calling card, framed, laminated, pristine.
"I stole this from a black-market auction run by shady anime collectors," Deadpool said proudly. "Had to fight a guy dressed as Light Yagami. Worth it."
Hero stared. "…Why would someone dress as Light to an illegal auction?"
"Confidence."
Item #3:
A Joker Funko Pop.
Morgana stared. "Is that supposed to be him? Why is the head so big?"
Deadpool gasped. "It's THE aesthetic!"
Item #4:
A coffee mug shaped like Arsène's head.
Deadpool held it with reverence. "I broke three ribs diving for this in an online auction. Worth. Every. Breath."
Hero folded his arms. "You didn't need to break ribs."
"Oh no, I broke someone ELSE'S ribs."
"…Oh."
Item #5:
A plush Morgana.
Morgana's fur puffed. "Why does it look exactly like me?!"
Deadpool hugged it. "This one? Rare collectible. Clawed seven eBay resellers to get it. I named him Morgorgeous."
"…I hate that I like that," Morgana muttered.
Deadpool dug deeper.
"Now these next three items are… special."
Hero felt an ominous chill. "Special… how?"
Item #6:
A tie clip. Hero's tie clip.
From two years ago.
Hero's eye twitched. "I thought I lost that."
"You did," Deadpool said. "In my defense, it fell! Into my pocket! Accidentally!"
Item #7:
A hair elastic from Haru.
Hero stared. Deadpool winced. "Okay, that one I admit I stole deliberately. She dropped it. I panicked."
Morgana muttered. "You're lucky she's nice."
Item #8:
Deadpool pulled out—
Hero's old black notebook.
The one he used to plan infiltration routes.
Annotated. Highlighted.
And stamped with Sojiro's coffee mug ring.
Hero's eye twitched. "That notebook vanished in—"
"Tokyo airport baggage mix-up," Deadpool said helpfully. "And by mix-up I mean I mixed it into my bag because destiny."
Hero inhaled sharply through his nose.
"Deadpool…"
"Yes, my elegant anime protagonist?"
"I want it back."
"No take-backs," Deadpool said, clutching it to his chest like a Victorian maiden fainting over love letters.
Item #9:
Hero's old gym shirt.
Deadpool lifted it delicately with two fingers.
"It's washed! I washed it! …Eventually."
Hero inhaled through his teeth. "Deadpool."
"Listen, buddy. Pal. Protagonist-senpai. I just wanted memorabilia!"
Hero massaged his temples. "Why do I have fans like this?"
Deadpool perked. "Because you're hot."
The Final Atrocity.
"Last item!" Deadpool announced. "My magnum opus! The pièce de résistance."
And then—
A reversible body pillow.
Side A: Joker, stylish, smirking, photorealistic. Tasteful.
Hero's eyebrow twitched.
Side B: ABSOLUTELY NOT SAFE FOR CIVILIZATION, anatomically perfect, suspiciously accurate—
Hero immediately turned it around, face going flat.
Morgana gagged. "Burn it."
"Oh, hush you adorable little fuzzball—wait, can I buy a Morgana pillow too?"
"ABSOLUTELY NOT!"
"Wade."
"Oh hush," Deadpool said, giving it a proud shake. "Your art references are PERFECT. Look at this eight-pack! I thought it was exaggerated but now—"
He lunged for Hero's shirt.
Hero's hand shot up, catching Deadpool's wrist mid-grab. A display of strength meant for catching shadows, not fanboys.
"No touching."
Deadpool gasped dramatically. "OH MY GOD, THEY'RE REAL. And the strength—I'm swooning."
But then, through sheer Deadpool-brand bullshit, his other hand, previously nowhere near Hero, was suddenly resting against Hero's abdomen like it had teleported there.
Morgana shrieked, "VIOLATION!"
Deadpool froze. "GOOD LORD, YOU REALLY DO HAVE AN EIGHT-PACK. And this V-line! And—are your obliques symmetrical? HOW IS THAT EVEN FAIR?"
Hero calmly removed the offending hand. "Please refrain from groping me in my own café."
Deadpool nodded, entirely unrepentant. "Reasonable. Sexy, but reasonable."
Morgana covered his face. "I want to leave the universe."
Deadpool leaned close. "Sign all of these?"
Hero smiled pleasantly. "Of course."
Deadpool froze. "Wait. Really?"
Hero's smile widened, soft, elegant, yet unmistakably mischievous.
"Oh no," Morgana whispered. "He's planning something."
Deadpool felt the shift instantly. "Oho? Oh? OH?! Are you plotting? You're plotting. You're totally plotting. My Wade-sense is tingling."
Hero tilted his head. "Would it help if I said it's character growth?"
Deadpool gasped, leaning in. "Is it morally questionable?"
"No."
"Legally questionable?"
"No."
Deadpool deflated. "Boo."
Hero smiled. "But it will involve you doing something heroic."
Deadpool perked. "Go on."
Morgana groaned. "He's baiting you. Don't fall for the bait."
Deadpool pointed at him. "Listen, I've known this man for thirty seconds, and I would die for him."
Morgana buried his face in his paws. "God, he's worse than Ryuji."
Deadpool practically squealed. "OH! SPEAKING OF! How's the rest of the gang? Skull? Panther? Oracle? Queen? Fox? Violet? Crow—my angsty boy?"
Hero chuckled softly. "In Japan."
Deadpool gasped. "YOU ABANDONED THEM?!"
"Study abroad," Hero corrected. "And they're doing well. School, work, living normal lives. Mostly."
Deadpool rubbed his chin. "Let me guess…"
He pointed dramatically.
"Ryuji is definitely banned from at least one gym."
Hero nodded. "Several, actually."
"Ann, Fashion icon. International. She will SLAY the Met Gala."
"She already got invited."
"I KNEW IT!"
"Makoto is fighting crime in her spare time and scaring the Yakuza."
"A pastime."
"And Futaba? Still the gremlin queen? Still hacking the Pentagon for fun?"
Hero smirked. "She hacked SHIELD last Tuesday to test their firewall."
"Yusuke—my king—still eating paint by accident?"
Hero coughed. "I… plead the fifth."
"Crow?" Deadpool whispered reverently.
Hero nodded. "Doing better. Growing. Healing."
Deadpool wiped an imaginary tear. "Good for him. My problematic murder son."
"How about Sumire?" Deadpool interrupted himself. "Wait! No spoilers! I haven't finished her Confidant in NG+!"
Hero blinked. "Wade… this is real life."
"Everything's real if you believe hard enough."
"And Haru—" Deadpool paused.
A slow grin spread across Hero's face. "She's well."
Deadpool's eyes sparkled with mischief. "So you two are—?"
Hero gave the gentlest smile. "Together."
Deadpool shrieked. "I KNEW IT! I SHIPPED IT BEFORE THE FIRST TRAILER EVEN DROPPED!"
Morgana stretched smugly. "They're disgustingly wholesome."
Hero chuckled. "Only sometimes."
Deadpool wiped a tear. "My OTP… confirmed by canon…"
Then he leaned in eagerly.
"But I also ship you with—"
Hero held up a hand.
"No."
"BUT—"
Deadpool pulled out a notebook titled 'Deadpool's OTP Masterlist'.
He flipped it open. Pages.
PAGES of pairing charts.
Hero stared. "I…"
"Joker x Noir supremacy," Deadpool announced proudly. "But I'm open to Joker x Ann depending on the timeline, and Joker x Akechi if you're into toxic rivals-to-lovers drama."
Hero made a strangled noise. "I—what—no—"
Morgana laughed so hard he nearly fell off the counter.
Hero shakes his head as he chuckled softly, crossing his arms. "You know, I was starting to think the universe had spared me this experience."
"HA! Joke's on you, Joker!" Deadpool pointed finger-guns. "Nothing spares you from me. Not canon, not time travel, not copyright loopholes—NOTHING!"
Morgana leaned in and stage-whispered, "You should run."
"Where's the fun in that?" Hero murmured back.
Deadpool froze mid-rant, staring at Hero.
"Wait."
His hand shot up like a kid in class.
"You're thinking something. I know that look. That's the Joker has a plan and I'm about to regret existing look."
Hero calmly smiled, very polite, charming, absolutely dangerous.
"Deadpool."
"Yyyyyes?" he asked suspiciously.
"What would you say," Hero continued, "to helping me test some new culinary techniques?"
Deadpool straightened with pride. "Helping? Me? Help the legendary Protagonist™? Of course! That's right, universe—look at me fulfilling my side-character destiny!"
Morgana slapped his paw over his face.
"Don't agree to things here. You will suffer."
Deadpool waved him off. "Pssh, how bad can it—"
Hero handed him a bowl.
A bowl that pulsed lightly with blue light and a faint, electric hum.
Deadpool paled under the mask. "I've made a mistake."
Hero smiled warmly. "Nonsense. You volunteered."
"I DIDN'T VOLUNTEER!"
"You didn't say no."
"That's not how consent works!"
The café chimed excitedly—like a cheer.
Deadpool sighed, lifted the glittering cup, and muttered, "If this kills me, I'm haunting you as a side character in your romance arc."
Hero replied, utterly serene, "I look forward to it."
Morgana snickered.
The pudding thrashed.
Deadpool wept internally.
He then squared his shoulders. "Okay! For fandom! For science! For character development!"
He took a big spoonful.
A very big spoonful.
And then—
He Screamed.
Like, glass-shattering screamed.
"MY TONGUE IS ASCENDING! I CAN SEE SOUND! WHY DOES THIS CURRY KNOW MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER?!"
He dropped to his knees, clutching his mask. "JOOOOOKEEERRR I'M HAVING AN EMOTIONAL ARC AGAINST MY WILL—"
Hero calmly took notes on a clipboard.
"Interesting. Reaction intensity surpasses the Morgana Index."
Morgana nodded. "Yep. He's dying."
Deadpool rolled dramatically on the floor. "TELL… TELL SPIDER-MAN I NEVER PAID HIM BACK FOR THE CHIMICHANGAS!"
Hero crouched beside him with the serene kindness of someone caring a plant. "Would you like to try another batch?"
Deadpool froze and slowly looked up.
Joker smiled down at him.
Deadpool whispered, terrified. "…You're the final boss of my life."
Hero stood. "I'll take that as a yes."
Morgana smirked. "Welcome to the team, Deadpool. You're officially the café's first test subject."
Deadpool let out a long, defeated groan.
"God… I should've stayed in the X-Men timeline."
And thus, Wade Wilson aka Deadpool became the first-ever Café Leblanc Experimental Menu Test Subject.
Much to his immediate regret.
====
The cafe became an impromptu food laboratory of special effects. Hero with his trusty notebook, Morgana watching with amusement, and Deadpool who got promoted to Experimental Menu Test Subject.
Deadpool gulped the entire drink in one go.
He froze.
Hero leaned forward calmly. "And…?"
Deadpool's eyes widened behind the mask.
He vibrated.
He levitated.
"Oh," Hero murmured. "That's new."
Deadpool screamed cheerfully as he began spinning slowly like a malfunctioning ceiling fan.
Morgana sighed. "Congratulations, Hero. You found someone dumber than Ryuji."
Deadpool spun faster.
"I REGRET EVERYTHINGGGGGG—"