Hey there, Folks.
How goes it?
Well, I hope!
I have moved in with my Lady, and things have been going pretty well.
It is going to take me some time to get used to such a new and different environment, you know?
It took me some time to acclimate to living alone after I had left my Ex, and that was quite the journey since I was dealing with healing from her, separation anxiety, detachment issues, and a crazy case of Stockholm syndrome.
The great part is, this time around, none of that negative shit persists, lol.
Just us, her children, a pair of dogs, and a cat.
None of these things are outside of anything I can handle, but getting used to dogs is a bit tough.
I grew up with cats for the most part, so it's just a different type of world, lol.
Again, nothing I can't handle, I am sure.
Things take time, you know?
I get that.
I don't have to like it, but I understand that not everything can be changed instantaneously.
Things will round out with time.
They will.
I am happy.
She is happy.
We will grow and walk together.
And if not?
Well, as much as that would such, I know very well how to start over if I need to, you know?
I am hopeful that it won't come to that.
I hope you all are doing well, and that this post finds you all safe and healthy.
Here in America, life has been tough.
Not WAR tough, no, but everything is so expensive that it is getting harder and harder to get by day to day.
Everything is slowly climbing in price, and the rulers of this country just don't seem to give a fuck.
I am so lost.
It isn't anything new, but this level of "fuck you all" has gotten so bad that nothing seems to matter to our government but lining their own pockets and trying to maintain a positive look in the public eye...
People are struggling to make ends meet with full-time work and incomes that exceed the $15.00/$20.00 an hour that we asked for 10 fucking years ago!
I know my complaints are nothing compared to many other places in the world; nonetheless, it's shitty having to eat a single meal a day just to be able to catch up on rent, just for it to be the end of the month again...
Typically, I fully believe that life doesn't get any harder; we just get stronger, or we don't, you know?
But as of late, it doesn't seem to matter how much stronger we get because our fuck-ass leadership keeps shifting the fucking bar!
There is simply NO reason that ANY single product should have nearly DOUBLED in price in the span of a year's time...
Come on, humanity...
We have to do better.
Mainly this shitty American system that seems to be designed to keep as many of us in poverty as possible.
Bah.
I apologize for the rant; I am just frustrated with how things have been going around the world and in our own country.
I wish we could figure this "life" shit out already and just live and let live.
I love you all.
More than you will ever know or understand.
I hope you are doing great in whatever you are doing, and I will see you all back here soon, yeah?
Let's go see what was going on back in 2013, yeah?
2026 is a bit hard to swallow, lol.
Enjoy!
-----
November 8th, 2013.
Journal #111.
-----
So, what do you do when your good isn't good enough?
I don't cry.
Don't I like this pain?
Isn't this the type of thing I live for?
Some people can't be saved from the darkness because they bask in it.
I try.
And I get nowhere.
I don't understand myself.
I'm slowly killing me.
These dreams.
These stupid dreams.
I look forward to a fantasy that will never come
Because all I can do is wake up right when I get to the gates.
I can't do anything, so why do I keep trying?
Why do I continue to fight?
I'm tired,
But I can't stop
Because I have so much hope.
So much hope.
So much hope.
I just feel so heavy.
Why do I love the darkness so much?
Anyone else would have given up.
Would have walked away.
Anyone else would be scared away because people
Darkness= bad
= fear
= pain
= sorrow.
But not to me...
I dance in it.
I'm either madly in love,
Or just a fucking idiot.
-----
Hmm.
I was so lost.
So in love with someone's potential.
That is a deep, dark, lonely place to be, Folks.
Believe me.
Be sure that you fall in love with someone for who they are immediately before you, not for all the "good you see in them".
It is a fool's investment.
Trust me!
- I was never good enough for her, but I was more than good enough to pay her bills and buy her nearly anything and everything she wanted.
I remember her cornering me once:
"You don't buy me stuff like you used to anymore..."
She had said.
That was maybe a year's time before I found the courage to leave.
I definitely had slowed down on my purchasing of things for her.
I used to be quick to do for her.
Anything and everything that I could.
I slowly started to realize that it was very close to a one-way street.
I would do, and do, and do, and do.
Laptop,
Plane tickets,
Tablets,
Cash,
Bills,
Anything.
She would do so rarely and sparingly at that.
The occasional bag of gummy bears, a shirt, assorted candies, more gummy bears.
Small and simple things that were "the thought that counts" more than anything.
Small trinkets and traps to keep me around and under her illusions.
Oh, and the occasional bit of sex...
- I was a bit of a masochist. I was raised in an environment that fostered the "tough love" philosophy, and that heavily tainted my perception of healthy love and how that should look and feel.
She took advantage of that and played on that weakness of mine instead of helping me heal beyond it.
She would read my journals as I wrote them while we were in that weird and constantly fluctuating friend-like zone, so she KNEW how I felt.
She knew what she was doing to me mentally and emotionally, and she simply didn't care.
She knew that I was falling more and more in love with her.
She knew that I was working harder than ever to do for her and make her happy.
She knew that no matter how I felt, she would never match that love and energy, and she stuck around because she was "comfortable, and she knew I would never leave her."
You know, she was half-right.
Had I not found the courage and strength to walk away from her, I would have never left her side.
Literally.
I would have killed myself in my misery and loneliness, and I am sure she would have played the victim and acted as if she had no idea I was so sad.
So alone.
So broken.
So hollowed.
She had me exactly where she wanted me to be.
Not WITH her, but never allowed to be with anyone who would actually love and value me...
It was the perfect trap, and I was the perfect fool.
Please, Folks...
Please,
Please,
Please be careful...
Don't let love blind you as it did me.
Don't let your infatuation become the bars that keep you from REAL, HEALTHY love and happiness.
- She loved her darkness; you know why?
Because it was who SHE was, not some ailment to be battled.
I wasn't fighting her demons; I was fighting against her very nature.
Everything that made her who she was.
I knew she was no good for me, as these old journals obviously will tell you, but I was so in love with who I thought she could be, and was becoming.
It was all an act.
She learned how to lead me on with the smallest of breadcrumbs.
- I was so heavy because emotions make me feel that way.
Negative emotions.
I took on her stress, pain, and sadness, and they became my own.
I found myself carrying a lot more emotional weight than I ever had before, and it was slowly crushing me.
I genuinely thought that the darkness was good for me.
That I could absorb and convert it into light internally, then push that light into the world.
Into her.
I was wrong only in the fact that she didn't hate or fear that darkness, so I was doing nothing by trying to save her from it.
It was not an affliction; it was HER.
She was just dark.
Nothing was "wrong" with her; she was just a cold, mean, selfish, cruel individual with an amazing ass and an alluring smile.
I was in love with everything that I THOUGHT she was underneath all of that darkness.
I was a fucking idiot to think that the thorns were hurting the rose.
Yes, I am both healed and man enough to admit that I was a fucking idiot who was used and treated like one.
I will never let that happen again.
I will leave you all at that, and I hope, hope, hope, hope, HOPE that none of you are in, or ever find yourselves in, the situation that I was in with my exe.
I need you all to love and value yourselves more than I ever did or even could as you read this.
I hope to see you all back here soon enough, and I hope that you are in good health between then and now, and beyond that point!
I love you all dearly, and I hope that life is and continues to treat you well.
See you soon, yeah?
Safe travels till then, Folks.
And as always;
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.