Hey, hey, Folks.
How goes it?
It goes just as well as it can around here, lol.
I hope that life has been treating you all well.
It has been quite the ride for me, but it has also been nearly everything that I have hoped and wished for.
Everything that I have been manifesting, you know?
I...
I am in love.
That feels good.
It feels right.
She is an amazing woman who cares for and inspires me to be the best version of myself, and I am doing my best to lean into that, you know?
My job has been offering growth and development.
My books have been serving the world as I created them to do.
All is well.
I hope it stays that way, and I hope more than that you all find the balance and happiness that I seek and am building toward.
I've been working on shifting into my final form, folks...
That takes so much time and work, but I feel it coming.
I feel like 2027 is going to be amazing; I just have to pass a few more... "Skill checks". lol.
I've got this!
You all have this as well!
I hope that you are doing well, no matter where you are reading this from.
Ukraine, I haven't forgotten about you!
I hope that you all are still holding your own in that brutal war...
Why must we all fight so?
Hmm...
I do my best to avoid politics...
Can't we all just love and let love?
Live and let live?
Hmm, and hmm again.
I love you all.
ALL OF YOU.
I don't and will never care about who you love, sleep with, pray to, fall in love with, see as a God, or anything else, as long as you aren't a f@cking rapist or pedophile.
Go live your life and let others do the same, yeah?
BUT FIRST!
GO READ THIS NEW CHAPTER!
Lol.
I love and appreciate all of you.
Tall, short, skinny, fat, LGBTQ+, hUmAn, Alien, Robot, Zombie, Animal, Planetoid, Humanoid, Elf, Dwarf, Dragon, Wizard, Ninja, Hobo, Amorphous slime monster, or whatever the hell else you may be!
See you back here soon enough, yeah?
Enjoy!
(Climbs into the-)
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November 2nd, 2013.
Journal #108.
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Sometimes I don't know what to think...
About anything...
I don't know what's a lie, what's not.
Who to trust.
What to say.
Where to go from here.
And all I can do is keep being a puppet
While I find some way to catch and cut my strings
Before I die...
Before they hang me.
I know I live in a world full of fantasies and dreams
And as a puppet
I get strung along...
It happened with XXXXX...
I loved her so much, and she married him,
Not me.
She picked him.
That's his wife.
His baby.
Not mine.
And I was the guy on stage who pulled the curtain up and down.
That seems to be my place in life...
I always seem to go after the things that I can't have...
Maybe pain just feels good to me...
Maybe I can't live without it.
Maybe I hide it all behind the funny, confident, nerdy shell so that no one can see what I really feel.
I offer everything.
All of myself,
And some people just take the pieces that look and sound good to them.
And that's ok with me?
I believe her when she tells me she loves me.
I'm just crazy...
When the show is over
And it's time to bring the curtain down
That's when I come in.
That's when the stage is mine and mine alone.
I will never be in the play
But I'll always be on stage at the show.
That's my role...
-----
(Cockpit of the-... I accidentally hit the go switch...My bad!)
Hmm...
Very hmm...
- I still have a horrible habit of getting lost in my own mind sometimes. I see that it seems to happen most in the first hour of me waking up in the morning.
Weird flashback-like memories pop up while I'm making my coffee.
While I feed my cat.
While I make my breakfast.
It's strange.
It feels like all of my emotional maturity just melts away, and I'm struggling with goblins that I've already defeated.
Do any of you experience that?
Hmm.
- I still felt very much like a puppet up till about a year ago. I let myself be used, I think.
I think a part of me was so used to it that I sought it out in the partners I would come across. It took me a while to break away from that and learn what true and healthy love is.
Sometimes that weird "puppet" feeling comes about, but these days it seems to be more on a large scale, you know?
Like the world is kinda pulling me in all directions as I struggle to find a sense of self.
Maybe it's just that I'll be 38 this year?
I don't know, lol.
- That XXXXX was in reference to one of the first women I had ever loved...
She had once been who I thought was the "love of my life", but I had come to find that she had really only liked me for the way I made her feel, and for my obsessive loyalty to her.
I had met her way back in fourth grade, and I had chased and chased and chased.
She led me on for nearly 20 years before I found out in so many ways that I was never what she wanted.
Well... Sort of.
She -in her own words- found a "White" version of me.
I didn't know what to think or feel about that, and I still don't til this day.
I think she thought I would be flattered to hear that.
I wasn't.
How could anyone be, regardless of race?
She went on to marry him.
Have his kids.
Later they would divorce.
No surprise there, lbvs.
I couldn't care less, but idk feel for the children involved.
- I always felt as if I were the curtain man, you know?
Watching everyone else's life play out while just waiting for my turn.
You at me now!
All of you loyal, amazing, silent Readers are showing me all the love I could ever ask for.
I can't and will never be able to thank you all enough.
- I liked the pain... Was I a masochist, or was I just never loved correctly?
Hmm, and hmm again.
Hug your children, Folks.
Talk to them.
Listen to what they have to say.
They are just as human as you are.
They are a shard of you.
If you don't teach them how to love and be loved, the WORLD will, and that is the last thing you want. I grew up and surrounded myself with selfish people.
Don't let that be your or your children's future.
I love you all, and I appreciate you coming back, as always.
I look forward to seeing you all again soon, and I hope that this was enough to hold you over for another handful of days.
Safe travels, Folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.