Hey, Folks!
How goes it?
What?
Huh?
WHAT!?
You'll have to speak louder than that, especially you good folk in the back!
I will pretend that my inbox is flooded with responses, lol.
I hope that life has been treating you all well.
As for me?
Hmm.
I have been just as good as I can get, you know?
I like my job.
My friends.
My studio apartment.
My spiffy Lego collection.
My loyal Reader base.
I am grateful for everything I have, and even more so for everything that I don't.
Balance is key, you know?
I met a new artist with whom I may collaborate on O.L.K. Volume 02!
That makes me very happy, lol.
I hope it goes well!
When it does, I will be sure to post the new images on Facebook, Instagram, and over on my TikTok.
I can't wait!
I am always hella geeked to see people's renditions of my beloved characters.
That is one of my favorite parts of being the creator of my own little world.
I will stop with my rambling and let you all get to what you came for!
I hope that all is where it should be in all of your lives, yeah?
Let's go see what Young me was getting into, shall we?
(Hold on to your phleblaplorlaries!)
-----
October 2nd, 2013.
Journal #099.
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She lay her head on me, and it sends my world into a spiral.
I don't know why everything is like high school with her.
It's like the first time.
I don't get it.
Her misery kills me.
Slowly, it burns.
I wish...
Well...
We both know what I wish,
But all will be as it should be.
Right?
She danced, and she danced,
And she laughed and smiled.
And I wrote about it.
People love her.
My fans -who read my poems- love her.
They love her because they love the words I write,
And they love the love inside of those words.
I love the person those poems are about.
Life...
It goes on.
There is still time.
As long as we make it.
In this plot, time could be on our side.
I'm patient because I want the best for her.
She should be happy.
My mind is trying to crack again...
Bad timing...
-----
Hmm.
- Touch is one of my love languages, you know? Being emotionally empathic can make that so much more intense than it should be.
That is both a gift and a curse.
I can admit that I was very entranced by my ex's body, and she was very well aware of this fact.
She weaponized it quite effectively.
She tried to do so for just over two years after we had broken up, even, and I was foolish and vulnerable enough to keep letting her get away with it.
I read something somewhere that has stuck with me since, and I love how accurate it seems to be.
"You can't forgive monsters. Doing so will only teach them that not only is it okay, but there are also no consequences."
I can only agree.
I let her come around and hang out at my place AFTER I left her.
I continued to have sex with her AFTER we broke up.
I empowered her by letting her have access to me.
I cut that access once I realized that it was my fault and my fault alone that she had that access in the first place.
You HAVE to take back the power you lost from your abuser.
They will not and would never give it back.
Forgive them for yourself.
YOU deserve the peace that comes with it.
- Be careful what you wish for, you know? I wished for her.
So many nights.
I wished that she were with me.
I wished that we were in a relationship.
I wished that we would live together and all of those squishy, amazing things.
I got all of those things...
It is kind of akin to wishing for a million dollars, then suddenly being crushed to death by a million dollars' worth of pennies.
Yes, you received what you asked for, but not in the way you wanted.
Life can be that way, yeah.
It can also be filled with a lot of self-imposed problems.
Beware, Folks.
- She inspired a lot of poems of mine from the past, and several even made their way into Shadows before dawn, my -technically second- book of poetry.
The memories of her that I retain tend to inspire poetic pieces to this day.
The difference is that the feelings aren't as heavy.
They aren't painful.
They are cathartic.
The hard feeling that used to live in my chest is gone.
- Bah, I hate the word fan, and I will never enjoy the idea of having them, lbvs...
I would much rather you all be called what you are; my Readers, lol.
I love that you love and appreciate my works, but the word fan makes me feel soooooooo weird, lol.
I hope that doesn't offend anyone.
Also, those past readers did not love her.
I loved her.
They loved my poetry.
She doesn't get to have that honor.
- I was both a fool and arrogant to believe that I was what was best for her. That sounds ridiculous, lol. I thought I could heal the pain inside of her with the love inside of me.
I came to learn that it really doesn't work that way.
- My mind starting to crack was something that I had to learn to deal with up to the point when I started studying Early Childhood Psychology while I was in college to be a Teacher.
I came to realize and face so much of my childhood trauma that it really had a wildly profound effect on how I saw the world.
I used to feel very much like my emotions were akin to a pie chart.
I would flip to the "appropriate" emotions based on the situation.
I learn to blend all of those emotions into a string, a healthy, single living thing.
One that responds both proactively and reactively.
Gaining a bit of self-awareness can change so much for you.
Look in the mirror every once in a while, folks.
Especially internally.
Your inner child is one of the most important people on this rock of ours.
Take care of yourself.
I hope that this entry finds you all well, and that life has been and continues to treat you well.
Hug each other, yeah?
Life is short.
Make the best of every moment you have.
I love and appreciate you all, and I will see you all back here for the next one, yeah?
Safe travels, Folks.
And as always;
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.