Hey, Folks.
How have you all been?
Well, I hope.
WE'VE MADE IT TO 100 ENTRIES!!!!!!!
Thank you all kindly for sticking around for so long!
I have been a bit emotionally heavy, you know?
But it is nothing that I can't handle.
My exe-fiancé has been randomly popping into my mind as of late, and I don't like it.
She has no place in my life.
In my mind.
In my heart.
I tried to give her the world, and it got me nowhere but used, you know?
I am beyond her.
I am over her.
I am healed and happy.
I just feel like she is trying to sneak back into my life, and my Spidey sense is trying to warn me...
It's a strange feeling, and I hate it, lbvs.
I hope that none of you have any ghosts from your past that follow and haunt you.
Life is a prison when you are in love alone.
Don't let that happen, Folks.
Love freely, deeply, but love who loves you.
Unless they are a stalker...
Then call the police, lbvs.
I will let you all get to what you came for, yeah?
I love and appreciate all of you, believe me.
See you back here soon enough!
Enjoy!
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September 13th, 2013.
Journal #092.
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Yeah...
Bad luck on this day...
Bills.
XXXXX being a fuckin' idiot...
I have to talk to him... Or he has to go...
Stress...
XXXXX and XXXXX made me feel better, and XXXXX.
I have great friends.
Ms. XXXXX offered me the $200.00.
That's a lot.
She already gave me $60.00.
I'm so grateful.
God is so good.
I saw XXXXX...
My heart hurt...
Not because I care about her or anything,
It's because I loved her so much back then...
But like XXXXX said, it made me stronger.
I'm strong.
I will get past all of this.
I know I will.
God is good.
I can do this.
P.S. My bed smells like her.
Great.
-----
Hmm.
I don't remember what made this day so bad, but it must have been something deep enough to ruin my day, lbvs.
My ex-best friend was a dick.
So was my ex-fiancé, her best friend, and my other friend who was around at the time.
I really was surrounded by a lot of really selfish people, you know?
And I had no idea...
I was so kind and giving that I never realized that all of them -especially my then-fiancé- were using the hell out of me.
He had a habit of smoking weed in my apartment, and I was not a smoker back then.
It would really piss me off, and he knew that and simply didn't care.
My other "friend" would join him and say nothing, knowing how I felt about it. There were plenty of other things that they did to and around me that I did not like, but I was so easily walked over that I simply let those things happen.
I let them happen, yes, but THEY knew what they were doing, and still chose to do it, you know?
That is quite shitty.
Beware who you let into your inner circle, my friends.
Even those whom you've known for 10+ years can be the snakes that you'd never see coming.
I really, really didn't have great friends.
- One of my old Teachers from high school had lent me some money due to me being behind on my electricity and rent.
I was working for the Boys and Girls Club for some time, and they simply didn't pay me enough, you know? I just loved that job so much that I didn't want to leave for better pay.
I think we've all been there, lol.
I had two grown-ass men as roommates, and neither of them cared enough to help me keep up with the bills that would roll around every month.
Again, beware, Folks.
People will use the hell out of you if you give them the opportunity.
- Seeing some of your exes seems to me all but inevitable when you live in the city that you grew up in, lol. I don't have any animosity with any of my exes; I just don't care to see or be around them.
I wish everyone the best, just as far away from me as possible, lol.
I don't hate anyone.
I don't have any regrets about anyone.
I am not haunted by any lack of closure or anything.
I am just as good as I can get, you know?
Life can be what we make of it at times; we just have to know what we want.
That can be much harder than you can imagine.
Many times we pray and pray and beg for something, only to get it and see that it is not at all what we thought it was before it came to us.
Just be careful, Folks.
Sometimes life will give you exactly what you ask for.
I know I got "the woman of my dreams" only to come to find that she and the whole experience tied to her were a deep and elaborate nightmare.
When you pray, pray slowly and carefully, Folks.
The Universe is listening, but it is a literal being.
Believe me.
- I had bumped into someone whom I had dated in the past, and it had hit me in a way that I didn't think it would.
She -like most people my age- had a kid and was living the life that she had built for herself.
And I had nothing to do with it.
She had used and left me years ago, and I had no reason to care for her in any capacity. I just could recall how deeply and unconditionally I had loved her.
The crazy part is that my ex-fiancé used to read all of my journal entries while we were "friends" before we made anything official. She knew all of my past trauma, and yet she still treated me like she did.
Crazy, indeed.
Keep your heart guarded, Folks.
Some people will drain you of your light, then blame you for it.
- My bed smelled like her. That is it, lol.
I hope that you all are well, and that you are just as well when next we meet.
I love and appreciate all of you for constantly gifting me your time and energy.
See you all in the next one, yeah?
Please be safe in your travels, Folks.
I need you to come back alive and in one piece!
See you all soon.
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.