Hey.
Guess what?
O.J.M. Volume #02 just hit 100K Views!
102.03K Views to be exact...
BUT WHO'S COUNTING!?!?!
Thank you all kindly for sticking around for such an ungodly amount of time, lbvs.
I love all of you...
As I always say (and fully believe), Young me would have loved and appreciated all of you just as much as 36-year-old me does!
I will leave you all to what you came for!
And I will do my best to ignore all of the emotional trauma that this little old series of mine is digging up, so that we all can sit together and see where the f@ck this all goes, yeah?
Hey! DON'T WALK OUT NOW!
YOU CHOSE THIS PATH!!!!!
(Maintains deep, intimate eye contact for several seconds)
We are all in this together.
LMAO.
Enjoy!
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August 10th, 2013.
Journal #070.
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What a weekend it's been so far...
She got very, very, very drunk.
I've never seen her that way, honestly.
Was a few things all at once.
Funny.
Interesting.
Annoying.
Just because it was so different, I wasn't prepared.
I hate not being ready for things.
I'm vigilant.
Always ready.
In nearly any situation.
I love her.
I'm trying to learn everything that I can.
No rush.
It's not like our friendship is going to end anytime soon because we are just meant to be friends until...well.
Whenever.
Whatever happens.
I've learned to not lean on hopes and dreams so much.
It can only cause pain and disappointment.
Love is stupid.
This life of mine, I like to keep simple.
Clean.
I'm a nice guy.
I treat people good.
I help where and when I can.
I never really ask for anything in return.
So why do I only get the tough things to deal with?
Why is it that life likes to make itself as hard as possible for me?
I only want the things that I can't have...
And the things that I can have mean nothing to me...
I'm just stupid.
I love too much.
To deeply.
I take too much from people around me.
I can't let illusions control my life.
I can't let my heart take control of my mind.
But just like with anything else in life, you have to take the good with the bad.
Or not have the bad at all...
Therefore, I can't just love her sober side.
I will have to learn to love it all if we are ever going to be together.
In the end, I just want to see her happy.
Even if I can't do that for her...
We can't help who we love...
Only who we stay with.
----
I hope that you realize that I've been staring at the left side of your face as you've read.
The whole time.
THE WHOLE TIME.
If you looked, you probably belong here, lol.
If you didn't, you probably belong here, lol.
-I remember this day. She -The Goth- was quite drunk, and I ended up carrying her to my place from the local store that we (as a small group) had walked to.
I was pretty sober, as I was never really one to get drunk around other people who were getting drunk, you know? It just wasn't for me, and I was always -and still am- hypervigilant around people that I care about.
I was in love with her, so of course, I would rather be sober and able to tend to her should I need to. And that night, I did.
She was never the best at cutting it short when her limit was reached...
Or maybe she was, and just didn't care.
I can't tell you.
We all have our vices and our reasons.
I know that she was going through a lot with the guy that she was talking to, and I was sitting in the friend zone and playing my role.
Foolishly dreaming of being her man.
Of being better for her than he ever was.
I was foolish.
Ignorant.
Stupid.
In love.
Young.
Many things and many reasons.
I was love-drunk off of her.
And she knew.
I didn't know how to deal with her in that drunken state back then, and I was blind to the fact that this experience should have been a massive red flag as well.
I was one to drink, but I was well tempered.
She, not so much.
Both her guard and filter were down, and she said a few things to me that really, really hurt.
More that I should have taken as massive hints to walk away from her.
But love, oh, love...
It can blind us.
I tend to -like most men- study what I love.
I should have done a bit more research, lbvs.
-After a while, I had come to the conclusion that we should just be and stay friends. It did hurt and bother me a lot, but I just felt like I had been battling her demons for a bit longer than what it was becoming worth.
But fuck me.
I was young and soooooooo fucking in love with this woman.
Bah.
Hindsight is just what it is, yeah?
-Maybe some of us are just built to attract and absorb negative people and experiences so that other people don't have to experience those things?
Hmm.
-I am at the age and mindset now that I can clearly see what I want vs what I need.
Young me was not so fortunate.
I still love too much, and too deeply.
I still have a terrible habit of absorbing too much of the negative energy of those around me.
I let the illusions that she painted me control my life and my choices.
I battle them still, nearly three and a half years after we have been broke up.
I can admit that.
I let my heart be silenced, and I let that silence kill the logic within me, the logic that should have kicked in and protected my heart.
I was trapped.
Listen...I didn't HAVE to love her "bad" and nor do YOU have to love anyone else's. That is not true nor healthy love, Folks.
-I still wish her the best these days, regardless of how she broke me and cast me aside. I am man enough to realize that I was enough, just not the man for her, or the man she wanted/needed.
I wish that she had just let me go...I do.
She used to have a lot of dreams of me cheating on her.
I see now, and truly believe that her mind was telling her to let me go.
To let someone else love me and treat me as I treated her.
Like royalty.
Her mind was maybe telling her to let my heart go because she knew that I would never leave her, that it would kill me to leave her.
And it almost did.
-I still rarely listen to myself...but these old journal entries have made me slow down and think twice, if not, have a whole second look.
We can save ourselves a lot of time, pain, and energy if we just listen to what our hearts and minds are really trying to tell us.
It has been tough to relive these old days...but I am glad that you all are here to do so with me. I think that bringing these old things to the light of day has been pretty...freeing? Uplifting?
Grounding?
Humiliating?
It has been a lot.
But I needed it.
I think some of you may have as well.
I will leave you all at that, and I hope to see you all back here soon enough, yeah?
I love you.
Remember that.
103.16K Views tells me that a few of you love me, too.
I appreciate it, and you.
Till next time, folks.
Safe travels.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Redd.