"You had… fuu… plain cold rice with tea for breakfast this morning, with… haah… a side dish of sunny-side-up eggs and pickled radishes… nfuu…" Sakura wheezed, breathing heavily between each word. "Judging by the… ahh… musty odour on your left arm… fuu… you helped an old woman cross the road on the way to the An Gates, and you… ahii… also stepped in dog poo half an hour ago… right… nfuu… foot."
Kakashi nodded along as Sakura listed each item she had got right. At the mention of the last item on the list, he frowned and lifted his right foot to inspect the underside of his sandal, only to find that there was indeed fresh poo smeared into the grooves between the treads.
"Impressive," Kakashi said in acknowledgement as he put his foot down, casually scraping off the faecal matter tainting his sandal by twisting it back and forth against the back of the head of the Iwa-nin he had pinned to the ground. "Okay, I believe you… Sakura-chan isn't a dangerous deviant; she's just a regular female pervert with an excellent sense of smell."
Even though Sakura had successfully won Kakashi back over to her side, Naruto was still pouting, as she soon discovered when she shot a hopeful glance his way. The blond boy merely grunted, crossed his arms over his chest, and turned away in a huff. Nearby, the mountain of Shadow Clones dogpiling onto yet another Iwa-nin harrumphed as well, joining the original in his silent protest.
"What do you… phew… think, Suzumebachi-chan?" Sakura gasped as she tightened her grip around the windpipe of the Hidden Stone kunoichi she was holding aloft. "You don't think… huff… I'm in the wrong… ahii… do you?"
"You're… not… a perv…!" the poor woman choked out. "It's just… the world… out to get you…!"
…
To understand where all these random Iwagakure shinobi whom Team 7 had crushed were coming from, one had to go back a few minutes, when, following Sasuke's trail, they had happened upon the scene of a massacre:
According to the Iwa-nin, their group had taken refuge in a small farming village on the border of the Land of Grass. Some of them had gone out scouting, but when they returned to their temporary camp, they found that all their friends had perished, with barely a chance to fight back.
Wisps of eternal black flames that refused to go out, traces of scorch marks indicative of Lightning Style… without a doubt, Sasuke had torn through their comrades on his way north-west, but strangely enough, Sakura's nose now told her that Sasuke had changed directions. He was no longer going to the Land of Earth, but rather somewhere to the north-east of the western border.
…
"Sometimes I wonder what goes through that head of his," Kakashi sighed as he knocked out his Iwa-nin with a stomp to the head from his poo-ridden heel, while Sakura did the same, constricting her own Iwa-nin's airways until she fainted. "Sasuke was heading to Iwagakure, but then changed his mind?"
Unfortunately for Sakura, Zetsus didn't smell like anything in particular, aside from a vague scent of dirt and tree sap, so she had no idea that Sasuke had met with Black Zetsu.
"Why don't you ask fatty over there?" Naruto said bitterly. "Sakura-chan knows eeeeeeverything there is to know about Sasuke, or didn't ya know?"
"Who… huff…" Sakura snarled, her jowls jiggling fiercely. "Are you calling fatty!?"
After only a few hours of vigorous exercise, Sakura had plumped up considerably, since running and jumping at a ninja's pace demanded chakra to strengthen her legs. Her Hokage robes, which had once hung loosely across her tight midriff beneath her enormous, shelf-like breasts, were now stretched taut over her dome-like double belly. It folded over itself, leaving a massive crease just above her navel, and sagged almost to her knees.
Her sleeves were packed to bursting with jiggly arms the size her waist had once been; her thighs had grown even thicker, like tree trunks, and her gigantic buttocks had split the seat of her trousers… and the seams of the rest of her clothes were all but ready to give way.
"Sage Art: Organic Reincarnation!"
Sakura's body fat melted away like snow on a hot day, her body bulging strangely as the rendered lard shifted beneath her skin and siphoned away into her flat breasts. They remained fixed at an AA-cup thanks to Karin's seal; Sakura had temporarily reduced her chest to a more manageable size for travel, as well as to purposefully annoy Naruto, who preferred her bustier.
"That's quite enough," Kakashi said patiently as a thin Sakura drew back her sleeves and stalked over to Naruto, ready to apply some reverse domestic violence to her boyfriend. "Do you want to find Sasuke, or not?"
"Yes," Sakura said haughtily.
"Not any more," Naruto grumbled, but Kakashi glowered at him, and he rolled his eyes. "Fine, I do want to find him," he sighed. "Sasuke is still our comrade, ya know."
Kakashi sighed.
"Teenagers," he muttered under his breath, before clearing his throat and raising his voice. "Now that we've all made up, can we please get back to the task at hand?"
Lady Tsunade had always known this sort of thing would happen if Naruto and Sakura got together. Though they hadn't seemed to notice it themselves, their personalities were more similar than they cared to admit, so as long as they agreed on something, there wouldn't be any problems…
However, since they were both incredibly stubborn, they would keep clashing endlessly without either side backing down if they disagreed on something… and such a marriage was assuredly destined for disaster, or at the very least, an early and ugly divorce.
…that is, unless they learned to compromise.
"I promise I'm not in love with Sasuke any more," Sakura told Naruto sincerely. "Even though he's kinda hot, he wouldn't make me happy like you do… Naruto, you're the only one I love right now."
Naruto sniffled.
"That's all I ever wanted to hear, ya know?" he blubbered. "I'm always telling you I love you, but you never ever said 'I love you too' back to me, ya know?"
Sakura was gobsmacked.
Had she really never told Naruto that she loved him? To her, giving him her virginity was already tantamount to the greatest declaration of love, but perhaps all he had really wanted was verbal confirmation… and, come to think of it, whenever he told her that he loved her, it was usually during intercourse, in which case the only answer she could have offered him then was a moan.
"Of course I love you, why wouldn't I, after everything… ahem," she coughed, remembering just in time that Kakashi could hear everything they were saying. "Whatever gave you the idea that I didn't!?"
"It's just that when we're not in bed, you treat me just like you always do, like we're ordinary friends and not boyfriend and girlfriend," Naruto said timidly, twiddling his thumbs. "I thought maybe… just maybe… you were using me for my amazingly hot body, y'know?"
Kakashi buried his nose in one of his dirty books and sniggered.
He had seen Naruto plenty of times without a shirt on, and his wiry physique really was nothing to write home about. Now Sasuke, on the other hand… he had personally trained that disciple into having a rockin' hot bod'.
"Don't flatter yourself, I only like you for who you are," Sakura said dismissively, as if that were a bad thing. "You're not that amazingly hot."
"You're not that amazingly hot either when you're fat, ya know?" Naruto immediately replied… but he quickly relented when Sakura shot him a murderous glare. "But it's still kinda hot, in a different sorta way, ya know?" he added hastily, desperately searching for a way to defuse the bomb whose fuse he had just lit. "If we were in bed with you like that and you begged me, then I wouldn't say—"
Unfortunately for Naruto, he fumbled Sakura's Quick Time Event affection check and failed to cast his Talk-no-Jutsu, so Sakura jabbed him in the solar plexus, causing him to double over. Thus, whatever Naruto had been about to say next was, unfortunately, lost to history.