Three days after sealing the Hidden Leaf Village away into a pocket world, the last pockets of resistance were finally being mopped up. A surprisingly large area around the village had been sucked into this other world along with it, so it had taken longer than she'd anticipated to hunt down all the interlopers who'd been caught up in the transfer.
The trapped Kiri-nin and Suna-nin kept scattering like cockroaches, only to regroup and launch half-hearted raids against the village in search of food as their military ration pills began to run out… but thanks to a series of brilliant military manoeuvres, the Hidden Leaf had finally managed to corner the invaders in the Nara clan's forest while they attempted to poach their deer!
"Give it up!" Sakura shouted as her comrades cheered at her back. "You're looking at the woman who singlehandedly defeated Shira of the Hidden Sand! You don't stand a ghost of a chance!"
The Suna-nin and Kiri-nin standing before her exchanged puzzled glances, as did the Konoha-nin.
Shira…who?
(Seriously, where was that bloke in the original timeline when it was time to fight Madara?)
The Hidden Sand folk did not appear to have any clue whom the Hokage was referring to, so they could only assume that this was some new and obscure form of psychological warfare.
"Ninja Art: Four Red Yang Formation!"
Without warning, a grinning First Hokage dropped from the sky beside Sakura and slammed his palms against the ground. Four crimson, translucent walls of fiery chakra rose around the enemy, trapping the Sand's and Mist's forward troops within and separating them from their backlines, where their long-range ninjutsu squads were positioned.
"It's a trap! Fall back, everyone!" Terumī Mei cried to her men outside. "Don't lose hope! There must be an exit somewhere, you just need to find it!"
Unfortunately for those outside the barrier, there was no escape. The pocket world's perimeter was ringed with impenetrable mists, and any attempt to blindly penetrate them would end in disaster. Without knowing the correct path to the world outside, one was doomed to wander the mists for eternity.
In any case, it was too late for the invaders to even try; within moments, hundreds of Konoha-nin swarmed around them, each cloaked in the Nine-Tails' protective chakra. No matter what the Suna- and Kiri-nin hurled at the Konoha-nin, their weapons and ninjutsu simply bounced off harmlessly, and before long, all the enemy shinobi were safely apprehended, roughed up but alive.
"The Four Red Yang Formation, said to be several times stronger than the Four Violet Flames Formation, requiring four Kage-level shinobi to erect… but that man produced it all on his own," Pakura murmured, brushing a hand against the prison's incandescent wall. Normally, even the slightest touch would be enough to incinerate anyone, but her flesh merely sizzled slightly. "Such dense chakra… not even I could walk through this barrier unscathed."
"That's right, you're hopelessly outclassed," Tobirama said as he fearlessly walked up to the crimson wall until he came nose-to-nose with Pakura. "As long as you surrender without a fight, you will be treated with dignity… ahem."
"Oi, you just looked away, just now!" shouted Temari, from the Hidden Sand's side. "Just what are you planning to do to us? Are you going to execute us in cold blood, like my brother Gaara?"
Sakura stepped up to the barrier.
"Every man will be turned into a woman, and every woman will be stripped of her breasts," Sakura said evenly. "We'll let you go after that."
A chorus of protests arose from within the barrier.
"This is inhumane!" roared one burly Kiri-nin. "I don't want to lose my manhood!"
"If it's only that," said another man timidly, "I don't particularly mind…"
"You can't take away my breasts! You didn't leave me with much after last time!" Mei cried in horror. "I'll definitely never get married if I end up completely flat!"
It took Sakura a few seconds to catch on to what Mei was talking about. Shortly after the Rinne Festival fiasco, Lady Tsunade had mentioned that one of the major contributing factors behind sending Sakura to Hōzuki Prison was that Orochimaru and her clone Tsubaki had stolen Mei's breasts, reducing her to D-cups.
In other words, Sakura was innocent! And she hadn't taken Kurotsuchi's bust, either! It was all their fault!
"Have you considered that reducing your chest— even more, I mean— might actually help you find a partner?" Sakura suggested. "Not that I would know, since I'm not a man, haha… but don't you think your beauty and strength make you come across as… you know, rather unapproachable?"
Mei instantly stopped protesting. Go on, her eyes seemed to say.
"The way I see it, it's not your personality that makes you intimidating, but your looks," Sakura explained. "If you were just a little more ordinary-looking, then maybe eligible bachelors would feel as though they actually stood a chance with you… you'd still be plenty pretty with smaller breasts, and besides, they're already beginning to sag now that you're getting up there in age—"
"I'M NOT AN OLD MAID!" Mei shrieked. "I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE— …???"
Mei broke off in the middle of her age = years single rant. Her heart fluttered violently, butterflies filling her stomach, and a feverish warmth spread through her body… she timidly beckoned for Sakura to come closer.
"Who is that dreamy-looking man over there?" she whispered into Sakura's ear through the fiery red barrier. "Ouch, hot."
Sakura followed Mei's finger.
Mei was pointing at the tall, white-haired man standing next to Naruto, who was busy drawing everyone's Nine-Tails chakra cloaks back into himself. Now that the situation was under control, Kakashi had pulled out one of his erotic novels and begun reading it in full view of everyone around him… exactly what part of his dead-fish-eye-looking self was supposed to look dreamy?
"That's Kakashi-sensei… ouch, hot," Sakura whispered back. "Don't tell me—"
In the original timeline, Terumī Mei had been married to her job. Shackled to the post of Fifth Mizukage, she had never been free to follow her maiden's heart… but in this timeline, she was a member of the opposition, hated by most of her village due to Zabuza's propaganda. She had probably been sent here to die, and from her perspective, since the main army's backup had never shown up, she had been abandoned. Even though she hadn't been the one to save Kirigakure, it had still been saved, so her conscience was clear, and the job was done…
"Is it too much to ask?" Mei said, biting her lip. "I know I have no leverage, but with the influence I have over my followers, I could make this go smoother on Kiri's side…"
"What are the two of you whispering about?" Pakura said suspiciously. "Konan's daughter. Mei."
Sakura glowered at her. While she didn't have anything against Mei, since Zabuza had been the one to stab Lady Tsunade, using his blade to suck out her blood and cancel her healing abilities, she did have a bone to pick with Pakura for burning her sensei to ashes.
With one last glare, Sakura turned on her heel and walked up to Kakashi and Naruto.
"Milady," Kakashi said in greeting, glancing up from his copy of Icha Icha Paradise: Ero Ero Paradigm.
"What size boobs d'ya like most, Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked casually.
Kakashi produced a sort of choked, strangled noise of disbelief behind his mask.
"Sakura-chan!?" Naruto said, alarmed.
What exactly was his girlfriend proposing!? He wasn't okay with swinging, by the way! She was his girl, and his alone! He wasn't sharing, not even with Kakashi-sensei!
"Is this perhaps some new form of sexual or workplace harassment, Milady?" Kakashi said weakly. "There is nothing I could possibly say that wouldn't make me sound like a pervert—"
"No, reading dirty books in public is what makes you look like a pervert," Sakura said patiently. "Now please answer the question, sensei. Now that we won't be getting any more immigrants, this matter is of the utmost importance."
Glancing around furtively to check that no one was looking, Kakashi timidly raised his hands and mimed hefting a rather sizeable pair of breasts.
"That big, huh," Sakura muttered to herself contemplatively, examining his movements with a critical eye. She mulled it over for a few moments as she did the maths in her head. "About H-cups… that's a bit bigger than she used to be."
Kakashi flinched as Sakura clapped him on the shoulder with a knowing smile.
"Never say I don't do anything for you, Kakashi-sensei," she said with a wink before turning on her heel and walking back to the Four Red Yang Formation. "I'll get you something really nice."
"What was that all about, ya know?" Naruto asked quizzically, but Kakashi just shrugged.
He had long since stopped questioning the depraved depths of his only female disciple's pervirtuosity.