Alyse studies her sister's face, their gazes finally meeting again, Cara's question lingering in the air like a silent accusation.
"You're not alone, you have me..." (Alyse)
Even as she says it, her voice lacks conviction, as if she knows her words aren't true. Or at least, that they won't carry that weight to Cara's ears. Cara looks away again, a touch of bitterness infiltrating her voice.
"Do I? Take a look around this mansion, Alyse...it's just me. I'm alone, and I've been alone...I'm so lonely that I'm sitting here in the study of a mother I barely remember, hoping that something here, some small experience will remind me what it feels like to be loved." (Cara)
Alyse swallows, the dark, somber implications of that comment stinging far more than she was prepared for. Not just because she never knew Cara felt so isolated, but also because she can't help but feel like she let her own mother down, hearing Cara say she doesn't even remember her. Would her sister feel that way if she'd done more herself to keep their mother's memory alive, instead of avoiding reminders of her in a misguided expression of grief?
At the same time, she doesn't feel it's completely fair to her for Cara to act like she's abandoned her just because she doesn't live here anymore. Rather, she at least feels that's part of the implication.
"I'm sorry about Mom, more than you can imagine, but...you're the only Egris in this house because you made it that way, Cara. I wouldn't have moved out of here if you hadn't urged me to." (Alyse)
Cara shakes her head, letting out an exasperated breath.
"I didn't start being alone when you moved out, Alyse. You haven't lived with me in more than name and body in centuries. You shut me out." (Cara)
She snaps her head towards Cara, a bewildered expression on her face, her tone sharpening involuntarily at the unexpected accusation.
"Shut you out!? You shut me out, Cara! Or has it escaped your notice that a few centuries ago happens to be when you banned me from accompanying you anywhere!? Did you forget lecturing me on how much I embarrassed you!?" (Alyse)
Cara's gaze abruptly meets hers, eyes full of indignation, her voice quickly rising in pitch to exceed her own.
"I fired you from your job, Alyse, not from being my family! Why can't you ever seem to accept that those aren't the same thing!? I still wanted you by my side, and I still needed your council! I just...you could have taken me to market fairs and threatened the girls that picked on me, instead of nodding off in political discussions and starting fights with the elders! You could have given me advice about swords and dresses and...and boys, not mused out loud in front of the Primas about which of them have the least satisfied wives!" (Cara)
Hearing such ridiculous examples from Cara's lips, seeing her so frustrated, Alyse can't help but be little stunned. She opens her mouth, wanting to quip back, but when she thinks about it, she's not really sure why she never did those things with Cara. She just...didn't think her sister wanted her around anymore.
Her tone softens a bit as she respond.
"I...don't know. I didn't know that's what you wanted. Why didn't you ever tell me? You could have asked me to go to a market with you, or confided in me about a boy, or...anything." (Alyse)
Cara blinks, then looks away, her disposition softening into something more hesitant.
"I'm...not sure, really. I guess I just, felt like I couldn't. Everyone was always asking so much of me, full of opinions about how I should act and think, and how quickly I needed to grow up and fill our mother's shoes. Asking for those kinds of things just felt...frivolous, and I knew that if I'd confided in you about that you'd have just blown up on the elders. It didn't seem like something I could ask anyone for without...failing to meet expectations." (Cara)
Hearing about Cara's reasons for sitting in this study earlier pained Alyse, it made her feel like she'd not lived up to what she owed her mother. But hearing this, just now, she feels like a complete failure as a daughter, as a big sister, and for the first time in a long time, as an Egris. Not because she didn't take Cara to some stupid market or ask about her love life, but because she's realized that the little sister her mother trusted her to look after suffered the one thing she never, ever wanted her to – the burdens of the family obligations Alyse feels she dumped on Cara – and she didn't even notice it happening. Didn't even realize it retroactively through centuries of arguments with Cara and opportunities for reflection.
She feels that failure so deeply, she can't help but bite her lip bloody in frustration, in self-loathing, for every second of resentment she ever felt about Cara dismissing her from her duties. What right does she even have to be mad about something like that, knowing what she does now? She who couldn't even protect her little sister from the one thing she swore to herself, to her mother, that she always would.
The next thing she knows, there's the subtle drip of something warm and wet on her hands, the tinge of iron on her lips mixing with salt. But, she doesn't care as the tears only expedite their reckless flow down her cheeks. She looks over at Cara, her own emotions now a chaotic storm, only to find her sister staring back at her in abject shock.
"Alyse, what are you-" (Cara)
She doesn't let her finish the question, pulling Cara's smaller frame against her chest in a hug full of pain and remorse. Words escape her lips in something barely more than a whimper, every one a controlled, deliberate breath amidst her instinct to sob.
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry I failed you, Cara...please...please forgive me." (Alyse)
Meanwhile, Cara can only sit there, buried in her sister's embrace for the second time today and the first day that she can remember, feeling the warm trickle of tears on her neck...completely stunned silent. As long as she's known her sister, Alyse has only shown a handful of emotions – disdain, anger, mocking amusement – but never anything like this. She has never witnessed Alyse cry, nor seen any evidence that it's happened at all in her entire millennium of life.
So, she can't help but wonder...why now? She spent centuries griping about Alyse's behavior, asking her to change an attitude that undermined her job, and her sister never seemed to make more than a half-assed, frustrated attempt at silence. Now, she makes one comment about not feeling like she couldn't make some dumb requests, and her sister, the infamous stone-cold Sword Goddess, is in tears, wracked with remorse?
Alyse feels Cara slowly pry herself away, trying to look her in the eyes, but she can't bear to meet her little sister's gaze. She feels too ashamed. Perhaps realizing that Alyse is avoiding her gaze, Cara's voice interrupts the choked sobs, laced with a rare tone of concern.
"Alyse, it's...it's okay. It's fine...I..." (Cara)
Cara's voice trails off, a hesitant, conflicted expression on her face that goes unnoticed by Alyse. She wants to tell her older sister that everything is fine, that she forgives her and the past is the past, but...it's hard to shake the resentment she's felt for centuries. Hard to simply stop blaming Alyse for what has long felt like abandonment.
But...she does. Not because it's easy, not because it comes naturally, and perhaps not even because she truly wants to. Rather, she realizes on some level that what she confessed to Alyse just earlier tonight is a far graver sin of her own making, and if there's no absolution for her sister, she's certainly damned herself. So, she says the words even if she's not sure they come from her heart, resolved to make them true through sheer force of will and deliberate action. Because she needs to know that it canbe true.
"...I forgive you, Alyse, and...I'm sorry. For...well, anything I've done or not done to make you feel like I don't want you around. I hope you can forgive me, too." (Cara)
The declaration sends a cold wave through Alyse's chest, a strange mix of shock, relief, guilt, and shame, because while she welcomes this peace with Cara, she feels that having her little sister be the one to initiate it is another failure on her part. She's the big sister, the one who should be setting aside her pride and pain and making this gesture, yet once again, she's left a burden belonging to her in her little sister's hands.
She quickly wipes her face, trying to regain some of her composure, and places her hands on Cara's shoulders with a forced smile.
"There's nothing to forgive, Cara...nothing that still matters to me, anyway. I should have done it a lot sooner, but I promise, I'm going to be a better big sister from now on." (Alyse)
Before Cara can object, Alyse pulls her back into her embrace, laying her little sister's head in her lap. As she begins brushing Cara's hair from her face, Alyse feels her stiffen, clearly neither expecting nor completely comfortable with the unfamiliar intimacy. However, after a second of contemplation, Cara forcibly relaxes herself, accepting the strange, budding shift in their relationship.
Alyse continues to run her fingers through her sisters hair in companionable silence for several moments, both of them watching the dying fire with far away expressions. Eventually, Cara speaks, her voice soft and hesitant.
"You can move back in, if you want. I mean...I'd welcome it." (Cara)
Alyse's hand falters briefly, caught off guard by the offer, before her expression becomes slightly conflicted. Noticing her silence, Cara quickly speaks again.
"It's okay if you don't want to-" (Cara)
"It's not that..." (Alyse)
She quickly cuts her little sister off, trying to find the words to express her hesitance.
"It sounds nice, I just...feel like I'd be abandoning everyone in Eden, and..." (Alyse)
She spends a few minutes catching Cara up on the recent developments in her life in Eden. Moving into the Zuki mansion, finding her footing in the new environment, eventually accepting her new job as Alara's Prima, her plans to build something like the Ring there, and of course, her lingering feeling of debt to Mizuki over what he offered to do for their brother.
When she's finished, Cara's giving her a baffled look.
"You agreed to be a Prima...?" (Cara)
Alyse glances away sheepishly.
"Yes..." (Alyse)
Cara stares at her for a second longer in silence.
"For Alara Ophelle...?" (Cara)
She clears her throat, a touch of blush coming to her cheeks.
"Ehem...I did..." (Alyse)
Her sister continues to stare at her, clearly struggling to accept the situation.
"Willingly?" (Cara)
She rolls her eyes, giving Cara an emphatic glare.
"Yes, willingly...she's not like she used to be, you know." (Alyse)
Cara raises her eyebrows.
"I know that, I just didn't think you'd wait to find that out." (Cara)
Not wanting to admit just how close to the truth her sister's judgement was, she coughs pointedly and tries to change the subject.
"Ehem...well, anyway, as you can see, it's not so simple for me to move back in, but I can come visit regularly. I can even sleepover. We could sit in here like tonight, talk, drink reasonable amounts of wine, you can talk to me about boys like you wanted...or boy, singular." (Alyse)
Cara cuts her an annoyed glare, which doesn't quite maintain its intended menace from her lap pillow position.
"I'm on board with everything else, but I'll pass on the boy talk for a while. Tonight was a pathetic enough commentary on my love life. You can tell me about yours instead...any progress with Alto yet?" (Cara)
Hearing the reference to Alto, she freezes for moment in shock and embarrassment, then tries to brush it off with a nervous laugh.
"Hahaha...Alto, that's funny! Why are we talking about her?" (Alyse)
Cara doesn't even respond, she just stares back at her with an incredulous expression, as though her sister can't even believe she thought pleading ignorance would work. Seeing that, Alyse sighs and averts her gaze.
"How did you know?" (Alyse)
Cara rolls her eyes, once again giving her a bewildered look.
"Alyse...everyone knows. It's obvious, to anyone except Alto." (Cara)
Mortified, she can only blush slightly and remain silent, before deciding to change the subject again.
"So, seriously Cara...what are you going to do? With the Mizuki...situation?" (Alyse)
Despite rebuking the topic just a few minutes ago, Cara falls silent, staring into the glowing embers of the fireplace thoughtfully.
"I don't know. What I planned, or distancing myself...I don't have the heart for either, I think." (Cara)