I spent the rest of that day avoiding Ryan.
It was childish.
Pointless.
And completely necessary.
After what he had said during break, I could no longer sit beside him without hearing the words repeat in my head.
Especially if I find someone worth remembering.
He had said it casually.
Smoothly.
Like it meant nothing.
But Ryan was dangerous that way.
He could say one sentence and leave it living inside you for hours.
So after lunch, I sat two rows ahead.
When final bell rang, I left class quickly.
The next morning, I entered late on purpose.
And still—
He found me.
"You're terrible at hiding," Ryan said, dropping into the seat beside me before first period began.
I nearly choked on air.
"This seat is taken."
"By who?"
"Me."
He smiled. "Then I'm lucky."
I turned away, pretending to search my bag.
He leaned closer.
"Are you avoiding me, Josh?"
"No."
"You moved seats yesterday."
"I wanted a better view of the board."
"You hate the board."
"That's not true."
"You called it 'a wall of suffering' on Tuesday."
My face burned.
Why did he remember everything?
Ryan rested his elbow on the desk and studied me shamelessly.
"You blush a lot around me."
"I do not."
"You're doing it now."
I hated him.
I hated that he was right.
The teacher entered before I could defend myself, saving what little dignity I had left.
But Ryan only smirked and whispered—
"We'll continue later."
By break time, rumors had already begun.
They moved through classrooms the way smoke moved through open windows—quietly, quickly, impossible to catch.
Ryan liked someone.
Ryan was flirting with someone.
Ryan had been seen following someone.
Girls from other classes passed by our room more than usual. Some giggled when they saw him.
Others looked directly at me.
That made no sense.
I kept my head down and focused on eating.
Until a shadow fell across my desk.
I looked up.
She was beautiful.
Tall, confident, with neat braids and the kind of posture people were born admiring. Even her uniform looked expensive somehow.
"Ryan," she said sweetly. "Can I talk to you outside?"
The room reacted instantly.
Whispers.
Elbows.
Laughter.
Ryan looked from her to me, then back again.
"You can talk here."
Her smile tightened.
"It's private."
He sighed dramatically and stood.
"Back in a minute."
He followed her out.
I stared at my food.
Suddenly, I had lost my appetite.
Why?
He was free to speak to anyone.
He was popular.
Attractive.
Of course girls liked him.
Of course they approached him.
So why did something sharp twist inside my chest?
I pushed the food away.
"Jealous?"
I looked up sharply.
Sammy stood by my desk holding a drink.
"Excuse me?"
"You look like someone stole your inheritance."
"I'm not jealous."
"Mhm."
He sat backward on a nearby chair, grinning.
"You know he talks about you, right?"
My heartbeat skipped.
"What?"
Sammy shrugged. "Ryan. He asks about you sometimes."
"That means nothing."
"Sure."
"What does he ask?"
Sammy laughed loudly.
"There it is."
I wanted to disappear.
Before I could threaten him, Ryan returned.
The girl was no longer smiling.
Interesting.
Ryan slid into the seat beside me as though nothing had happened.
"What did she want?" Sammy asked shamelessly.
Ryan took my water sachet, drank from it without permission, then answered calmly.
"She wanted me to walk her home."
"And?"
"I said no."
Sammy howled.
The classroom buzzed.
I stared at him.
"Why?"
Ryan turned to me first before answering anyone else.
"Because I already walk with who I want."
The room became louder.
Someone shouted.
Someone clapped.
I nearly died.
Sammy slapped the desk in delight.
"Ohhhhhh!"
"Shut up," I muttered.
Ryan leaned close enough for only me to hear.
"You really should stop blushing in public."
School ended under a hot afternoon sky.
I tried leaving quickly.
Ryan caught up to me near the gate.
"You walk fast when you're nervous."
"I'm not nervous."
"You keep using lies as personality."
We walked in silence for a few moments.
Students passed around us in groups, laughing and shoving one another.
Then Ryan spoke again, quieter this time.
"Did I embarrass you today?"
I glanced at him.
For once, there was no teasing in his face.
Only sincerity.
"A little," I admitted.
He nodded slowly.
"Sorry."
That surprised me more than anything.
Ryan apologizing felt like seeing rain indoors.
"I didn't mean to make things hard for you."
I swallowed.
"Then why do you keep doing… this?"
"This what?"
I gestured helplessly between us.
He stopped walking.
So I stopped too.
Students moved around us like water around stone.
Ryan looked at me for a long second.
Then stepped closer.
Too close.
Close enough that my thoughts scattered.
Close enough that I could smell soap and sunlight on him.
"Because," he said softly, "when I'm not doing this… I'm thinking about doing this."
My mouth went dry.
He reached up slowly.
My entire body froze.
Then he brushed something from my hair.
A tiny leaf.
He held it up with a grin.
"You collect strange things, Josh."
I nearly collapsed from relief and disappointment at the same time.
Ryan laughed under his breath.
Then he walked ahead.
I stood there stunned.
After a few steps, he turned back.
"Are you coming?"
I hated how easily he ruined me.
And I hated even more that I followed him.
We didn't speak much after that.
Ryan walked slightly ahead of me, hands in his pockets, moving like he had nowhere urgent to be and yet somehow owned every space he entered. I followed behind him quietly, unsure why I hadn't just gone home the moment we left school.
The road was busy with students heading in different directions. Laughter floated through the air, mixed with the distant sound of vendors calling out prices and motorbikes honking impatiently. Life moved around us like it always did.
But I couldn't stop thinking about what he said.
When I'm not doing this… I'm thinking about doing this.
It repeated in my head like a loop I couldn't escape.
Ryan suddenly slowed down and turned slightly.
"You're quiet again," he said.
"I'm usually quiet."
"No," he replied simply. "You're only quiet when you're overthinking."
I frowned. "You don't know that."
He gave me a side glance. "I do."
That one word made my chest tighten for no logical reason.
We walked past a small junction where students gathered around a food vendor. The smell of fried snacks filled the air. Ryan stopped without warning.
"Wait here," he said.
Before I could respond, he crossed the road.
I stood there, confused, watching him speak briefly to the vendor. He pointed at something, handed over money, and within seconds he was walking back with two small wrapped snacks in his hand.
He handed one to me.
"I didn't ask for this," I said automatically.
"I know."
"Then why"
"Just take it."
I hesitated, then accepted it.
Our fingers brushed.
It was brief.
Barely anything.
But it felt like something shifted anyway.
Ryan started walking again like nothing happened.
I followed, unwrapping the snack slowly.
After a moment, I spoke again.
"Why do you always do things like that?"
"Like what?"
"Things people don't ask you to do."
He shrugged. "Because I want to."
"That's not an answer."
He stopped walking again, turning to face me fully this time.
The street noise faded slightly in the background as people passed around us.
"You ask a lot of questions for someone who doesn't like attention," he said.
I looked away. "I don't like confusion."
"That's unfortunate," he replied. "Because I confuse you a lot."
I opened my mouth, then closed it again.
He was right.
And I hated that he knew it.
Ryan took a step closer.
Not enough to scare me.
Just enough to make me aware of him.
"You don't trust people easily," he said more softly now.
I frowned. "That's not true."
"It is."
"How would you even know that?"
He looked at me for a long second before answering.
"Because you always sit where you can see the exit."
Silence.
My grip on the snack tightened slightly.
I hadn't even realized that.
Ryan continued walking before I could respond.
This time, I stayed closer behind him.
By the time we reached the end of the street, the sky had begun to shift into evening tones. The orange light softened everything it touched.
Ryan stopped in front of a small junction where our paths would separate.
"This is where you go left, right?" he asked.
I nodded.
He didn't move immediately.
Instead, he looked at me like he was deciding something.
Then he spoke.
"Tomorrow, sit beside me again."
It wasn't a question.
I frowned slightly. "Why?"
"Because you always sit somewhere else when you're trying not to think."
"That doesn't even make sense."
"It does if you understand you."
I didn't respond.
Because I didn't understand him.
And I definitely didn't understand myself around him.
Ryan turned slightly, ready to leave.
Then he paused again.
"Oh," he added casually. "And Josh?"
I looked up.
His expression softened for a fraction of a second.
"You're easier to talk to when you're not pretending you're fine all the time."
My throat tightened unexpectedly.
Before I could answer, he waved once and walked away.
I stood there long after he left.
Still holding the snack.
Still feeling like something had been left behind in the air between us.
That night, I couldn't sleep properly.
Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the way Ryan looked at me.
Not like everyone else.
Not like I was invisible.
But like I was something he was trying to understand.
And that was worse.
Because being seen…
meant I could be known.
And being known meant I could be affected.
I turned over in bed, frustrated.
The room was dark.
Quiet.
But my thoughts weren't.
For the first time since starting Hilltop Secondary, I wasn't thinking about how to disappear.
I was thinking about someone who made it impossible.
Ryan.
And I didn't know whether that scared me…
or made me want to be seen more.