Holy fuck! I sat up in bed, slowly blinking as I looked around.
After spending way too long looking at different rings in the mall, I found two perfect ones that I know Ryder would really like.
One was a normal band with small diamonds around it, and the other one had one massive diamond and then one on either side. It was massive, but the "plain" one made it look normal. Or at least I think it did.
I surprised Ryder with flowers, so I don't think he saw the ring. And I hid it with Leo, because I don't think he goes in there, so things were looking up.
I turned to Ryder…who wasn't there. Oh!
I reached over for my phone. Okay, no message; that is not a good sign.
I itched my back, "Ryder!" I called out as I got out of bed, phone in my hand, as I looked around the room.
He wasn't in the bathroom.
That's weird.
I walked out of the bedroom to Isabella's room, nothing. Then to Leo's room, nothing, and then Matteo's room, still nothing.
I walked into the living room, and I felt my eyes scan everywhere.
As the pit in my stomach started to grow, I quickly clicked on Ryder's contact and clicked the call button.
One ring, after another, and then another…and then, "Good morning, sleepyhead." his warm voice made all of the feelings go away, and a smile grew on my face.
"Where are you guys?" I asked, still standing in the middle of the living room, facing towards the kitchen.
"You woke up late, and we wanted to go to the grocery store before Isabella had to go to school, so we are there. You were sleeping so soundly, I didn't want to wake you up."
I smiled and laughed, "Okay, you guys have fun, text me when you are on your way back," I said, just like he had said to me yesterday, because for some reason, I was still feeling this anxious feeling I couldn't understand.
"Okay, love you," and just like that, the line went dead.
I rolled my neck to the side and stretched slightly. And then I made my way into the kitchen.
I wasn't very good at cooking, but I could eat some of Isabella's cereal, maybe.
I tied my pajama pants tighter. I only had them on, and for some reason, I was all giddy. Well, of course, I know the reason.
I was gonna propose to Ryder! Why wouldn't I be happy? I mean, it was mostly feeling giddy, but I also had this weird, anxious feeling, probably from Elena's comments from the convention. I guess when I am alone and don't have someone to distract me like Ryder, my daughter, Leo, or hey, even Matteo, the feeling comes back.
I blinked. Whatever. I am just gonna get my bowl of cereal and think about what some good proposal spots for Ryder are.
I feel like…I want to ask him, but I also don't want to give my plan away, like 'hey, where would you like to be proposed to, like hypothetical?' I feel like that doesn't work.
I mean, I could do it on the boardwalk.
I grabbed my bowl of cereal, and I sat down at the dining room table alone. But I feel like we were just there, so that might get repetitive, I don't know.
I feel like a backyard proposal would be fun, but it also feels like I am cheaping out in a way, and I know he wouldn't mind, but I wanna do what is best for him.
Oh fuck. I rubbed my temples. I also need to think about what I am going to wear. God, this is all so hard. I sighed.
It is really exciting, though.
Just thinking about his face lighting up and him hugging me, and us spending the rest of our lives together, it just makes me so happy. I don't know.
My face dropped, fuck off. Now I am smiling at the cereal too. I felt myself smile more. God, he has made me so soft and stupid, but I guess it is for the best. It really is.
Oh, maybe I could ask him to teach me some words in Spanish. I feel like that's romantic. Oh…he might find that cringe. I blinked. Oh, he so would, but I feel like it would also mean a lot to him.
Okay. I stood up. That's what I am going to do today. Wash my dish, and then go to my office and make a spreadsheet of the plan for the day so nothing can go wrong, and… I heard the doorbell ring.
Fuck, that's what I get for putting my address into that wedding package thing.
I felt myself smiling as I walked towards the door. Hopefully, they sent one of those stupid archways. That would be so fun!
I unlocked the door, and I pulled it open with a smile.
Oh, what the fuck.
I quickly started blinking as both my hands dropped to my side and my mouth dropped open.
Like a bad mother fucking dream, oh my god.
Lova.
There she fucking stood, on my front god damn porch.
My eyes scanned her slowly. Her hair was in those loose curls she loved; she was in a long pink-and-white dress, had light makeup, and a smile on her face.
A fucking smile, like nothing ever fucking happened.
"Dominic!" Her loud voice rang in my ears. My eyes shot down to her finger…the ring I gave her was still on.
She reached out for me, and I instinctively stepped back as she… stepped into my house.
"How have you been?" she squinted her eyes at me as her smile got wider.
I feel like I am frozen right now.
I can't…I can't think, or move, or even do anything.
I had come to terms with her leaving me already; now that she is standing here, I don't even know what to do.
It feels so random.
I don't understand.
Why now?
She looked around the house that had changed so much since she had been here, "Whoa, look at our house, oh my god. The throw pillows I picked out, so perfect. Domie, did you forget to vacuum again?" she said, talking to me like it hadn't been years, like I was a little incompetent child.
"Don't call me that," was all I could really muster out. Not a get the fuck out of my house, not a slap on the face, just a measly, 'don't call me that.' My brain feels completely gone right now.
Her head almost robotically turned toward the table by the door, "Dominic, did you forget to put the pictures back up after dusting again?" again with the tone.
She turned back to me and wrapped her hands around my neck and tried to pull me in for a kiss, "I am so happy you waited for me! I missed you. Sorry, the trip took longer than expected!"
I pushed her off, "What the fuck are you talking about right now?"
I watched her smile fade for a split second, and then it was back as she looked at different pictures of Isabella.
Am I dreaming right now?
I looked around. What is even going on? I'm so confused.
"Aw, my baby girl. God, do you remember that night when we watched a movie, when I was pregnant with her? That was so fun." Such a vague memory that I know she couldn't even be bothered to remember without the picture.
"Put that down," I said. I don't feel anything. Nothing at all. And I'm not sure if I should.
Like, that's not something you really prepare for in life. Your ex wife walking back into your life after all this time. I mean, I guess I have prepared myself, or I did, but now. I can hardly remember what I was going to say if I saw her again.
I can't remember anything because I feel nothing at all right now. It isn't something worth even putting thought into, not something to care about anymore.
I feel nothing for the woman who walked out on my child and me and left me alone. I can't feel anything but anger, really, and even then, I can't fathom giving her the time of day anymore. It's just too much work, too much stress, that truly, she doesn't deserve anything.
I cut off her rant about a fake memory she had made up that I was tuning out, "I thought you died." Part of me wants this closure, I guess that's why I'm not kicking her out.
Her eyes were bug wide as she stared at me, "Why would I die, honey, I was just on a trip?"
I raised my eyebrow, "For 12 years? Bull fucking shit."
For some reason, I really couldn't find her attractive anymore. Everything about her face grossed me out.
"I made a mistake." Here we go with a new story. Somehow it was always a new one, a new one that I somehow fell for every time, "and I want to make up for it. I want to do better. For us, for our daughter."
"What's our daughter's name?"
I watched as her mind went blank. All of these stupid memories of her were coming back. Her mind always went blank when she was talking about anyone who wasn't herself.
"You named her, and you can't remember her name?"
"I'm trying!" she snapped.
"I made a mistake," she repeated. "I heard you the first time," I said.
"AND, I know that. And I want to own up to that, and I want another chance."
"You want another chance?" I asked, and she nodded, "You want me to give you another chance?" I said, pointing at myself and then at her.
"Yes, Domie."
"You're fucking funny," I snarled at her.
I felt rage start to build up inside me. Fucking ugly. I can't believe I ever loved her. Ugly inside and out. God, I was so fucking stupid, it made me mad.
I made eye contact with her as those once sweet eyes that I first fell in love with were the evil soulless eyes I had ignored towards the latter half of our relationship, those eyes that stared at me right now as the fake smile slowly started to slip.
I rolled my neck slowly, "There is no way this is happening," I muttered to myself.
It felt all too perfect. Like this kind of full circle moment or almost revenge. Full circle from waking up late and everyone's gone, just like when Mateo kidnapped Ryder. Revenge for all the wrongs I had done in my life. Someone like me deserves someone terrible; I deserve to get my heart stomped out, time and time again.
God, her eyes were so fuckinng evil.
I watched as her mouth opened and her eyes squinted slightly. She started talking, "You don't have to pretend to like that kid anymore. I am back now, and we can be together again. I know you just chose anyone to replace me, and that's why you replaced me with that fucking black gay hooker, but I'm back now, and you don't need him."
What does his being black have anything to do with it?
I turned my head slightly. Was she fucking high? What the hell?
I just stared at her as her facade started to crack.
I pointed at her, "I thought you fucking died. We have a kid together, and you didn't think once to contact me? No, but now we wanna come back. Now we wanna talk some shit. One, that kid has a fucking name, his name is Ryder, and it wasn't a replacement scenario. God, I can't…" The right words weren't coming out as the anger bubbled inside of me.
This feeling of nothing was being replaced. And I know that the more she kept talking. The angrier I was gonna get.
"I'm sorry."
I felt myself laugh, "You're sorry? What are you fucking sorry for?" I asked.
"I'm sorry for walking out on you."
"Lova, tell me something. WHAT THE FUCK IS A SORRY GOING TO DO? Is a sorry gonna make up for all those nights I spent crying, drunk out of my mind? Is a sorry going to make up for the fact that I was thinking about killing myself when you left? Is a sorry going to raise a fucking child? Is a sory going to do any of that?"
She shook her head and started to stutter, "I'm… I."
"If a sorry is not going to do any of that shit. THEN DON'T FUCKING SAY IT!" I screamed in her face, "Like what? I had no idea how to raise a kid, but I knew…I fucking knew that I would be okay because I had my wife by my side. I know that I would be okay for the rest of my life, because that's what vows are for. I knew that I didn't have to worry about choosing a school, what food to pack, or how to talk to her about stuff as she gets older, because I knew that I could do it with my wife by my side. I knew I wouldn't spend my nights alone, in this big ass house with a daughter who would hardly talks to me, because I had my wife there to cuddle me, to be by my side. But no…fucking no. You walked out on me like a god damn fucking coward," I said, trying to keep my cool.
Her smile was gone as she licked the inside of her teeth, just like I always did when I was fucking mad.
"And YOU wanna say sorry? I should punch you," I said.
I watch as she put a smile back on her face, but this time it was smaller and more fake, "I'm sorry." She said the dreaded words again, "I made a mistake," like they were all rehearsed.
"Come on, Domie, we all make mistakes. I just wasn't ready, you know, I had…" I rubbed my face.
"I had…" she was trying to find the word, but she didn't have it, so she didn't know the word. "Postpartum depression?"
"Yes, that! I was just so sad after having our baby, and I just need a break."
"But you planned to leave me even before you got pregnant, was that also that or no?" No answer to that. "So, let's not use phrases we don't know and disrespect the people who actually have that and experience it."
I smiled. I was pisisng her off, and it felt so fucking good to play her face, just like she did to me.
"Come on. I love you. I know you don't want that ugly bitch. And I know you were just pretending. You don't have to pretend anymore. You don't have to pretend you enjoy the sex, the kisses, the love. You don't have to do any of that, because I am here. I was the only one you have ever wanted, the only one you have ever needed, and now you are saying you don't need me anymore? Come on. I know you do," she pleaded. The tone of her voice was fucking pissing me off beyond words right now.
I took a deep breath. It's almost like she wanted me to scream her face. I took another deep breath, "I needed you…for the past 12 years. And you want to talk about 'you don't need me anymore?' I HAVE NEEDED YOU FOR THE PAST 12 YEARS!" I screamed, repeating myself.
"BUT EVERY GOD DAMN YEAR. EVERY GOD FOR SAKEN FUCKING YEAR THAT WENT BY. EVERY MISSED CALL, MISSED TEXT, TILL THE LINE WAS NO LONGER IN SERVICE…I knew that you had moved on or died, and god i hoped you died. I was really, REALLY hoping, praying that one of those mafia bosses shot you dead, just so I wouldn't have to have this conversation with you. With our daughter, with Ryder. I wanted to bury all of our memories, these feelings, along with your stupid, dead fucking body," I spat.
Her smile dropped completely, and it didn't come back.
"I wish you had died," I said again.
She let out a tasteless laugh and blinked slowly, and then we made eye contact, "You wanna know something? Do you really wanna know something? I never did love you." For some reason, those words hurt. I guess these emotions were never something I could really bury until I got closure, and even now, I don't think it will ever stop hurting.
"I never loved you. I never even liked you, not one bit. Fuck. I could never fathom how anyone could love beyond your looks and your money!" she said, laughing in my face.
I swallowed hard, now that hurt, "that fucking kid. Whatever his god damn name is, I don't really give a fuck, but he doesn't love you. Like, truly, you have nothing to show for, besides your looks and your money, and you're not even that attractive."
The words don't hurt because they are coming from her; they hurt because part of me believes they are true and has believed that my entire life, even now when I'm fucking almost 40. I could never shake that insecurity.
"You are AWFUL. God fucking awful. Oh my fuck. You are annoying, you're loud. You are pushy. You are…" she paused and started waving her hands around, "too you. You are too you," she repeated.
"And I dreaded every day I spent with you, every last day I was looking at a chance to leave, because I could never fall in love with you, but for some reason I had fooled you into thinking that. And you trapped me. You fucking trapped me here with mediocre sex and an UNLOVEABLE personality. Your dick is big, but you don't know how to fuck. You can't god damn do anything like a stupid fucking child. I had to do every last thing. And I swear to god, all you did was hang around fucking Leo and not your girlfriend, not your fiancé, not even your wife. It was always Leo, Leo, Leo. You have been a gay bastard this entire fucking time, and I didn't wanna deal with that. I didn't wanna deal with another fucking thing wrong with your insufferable ass. And you know I was gonna take our baby too. I was going to leave you without her because I got the one thing I wanted. I was going to leave you in this giant, stupid house that you bought with Leo instead of your FUCKING WIFE. Are you dumb? But you know…I wanted to leave you with a reminder of me."
She smiled, "Every single day, for the rest of your life, the crying, the whining, the nagging, draining your money, until you die. A child. That looks exactly like me. A reminder every day of the woman who HATED YOU. The woman who could not stand another day with you and was waiting for an excuse to leave this entire time."
I blinked, but truly, no tears came out, but I felt like I wanted to cry. I wanted Ryder here. I feel like with him I'll be okay. This big mafia boss was hiding from all of his problems behind a kid who truly didn't like me at all at the start, just like Lova. Because I know, at the end of the day. I would rather be fooled by him over and over again than ever fucking go back to her.
"You're a…"
She cut me off by putting a finger in my face, "AND. The mafia shit. I knew it all along. No family has that much fucking money when your mom and dad don't even work. I am not stupid, Dominic. I know you thought I was, but I wasn't, and I still am not. But it was my ticket out of this stupid life. My ticket away from you…" I watched as she pulled a knife out of a pocket in her dress, which I hadn't even noticed, and I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen, and watched as she yanked it out and then forced it again.
Oh god. I held my stomach as she stepped back, her eyes all crazy, and the knife in her hands was bloody.
"I'm sorry I could never be the husband you wanted," I said. I didn't really mean it, but I felt the words to be right.
She plunged the knife high into my torso, barely missing my hands.
She pulled it back out. This was such a setup, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to really do anything, besides just letting it happen. Like I deserved it in a way, "you should be sorry. Really, you should," she said, and I felt another sharp pain right next to the other one as she plunged the knife back into me, and she pulled it out.
I don't even have a shirt on to soak up the blood. I am just watching it drip down my body, onto the floor. What a pain.
I looked back up at her. I wanted to get more closure, but the words weren't coming out correctly.
"And you know something else? That stupid slut who claims he loves you, just like I did. All the lovey dovey, the dates, the happiness. Is all lies. I know he fucking hates you. I know he does because no one could ever like your stupid ass. I swear to god. And once he finds out about the mafia shit, you are done. So fucking done, and this will happen over and over again, until you die alone with nothing to show for it. With a daughter who hates you and that gay bitch of a best friend who claims to be your friend, but is just a damn dog. Does that slut kiss you? Does he have sex with you? Does he cook? Clean? I bet he fucking doesn't. But God, I knew he did it with all of those other men. That's what you get for dating a god damn hooker!" I felt the sharp pain again, but this time even higher.
"I bet he is ready to leave you, just like I did," she spat, and she yanked the knife out again.
I moved my head to the drawers by the door. I slightly pushed her out of the way, walking over to them, reaching into the drawer, and pulling out a gun I never really planned to use.
It was only for emergencies. I shut the door and went back to the same place I had been in, and this was an emergency.
The thought of leaving my daughter without a dad was taking over my brain as the sharp pains slowly turned to heat, and I was starting to get dizzy. Oh my god.
And something about the way she was talking about Ryder. I felt a swift stab on my waist, and she pulled the knife back out. It really sent me over the edge. Not all of the comments that she made towards me for the past however long.
The way she spoke about Ryder just pissed me right off. Made me beyond angry.
Made me wanna kill her.
I held the gun up with a steady hand.
"You keep his name out of your fucking mouth. You understand me? He does kiss me, he does have sex with me. And God, it's fucking good. So much better than it was with you. Not doing it like it's my god damn duty, but doing it because I like it, because I fucking love making him feel good. God its good. He cooks, he cleans. He doesn't complain that no one helps, doesn't scream if try to help him. Doesn't make me out to be this incompetent man when I try to help. And he's actually nice, he is actually fucking nice. He doesn't treat me like shit, doesn't only see me for my money, and if he does. I really don't care, because it's him, and I know that if he does walk out on me. Walk out of that stupid fucking door. I will never get over it, and I will make sure wherever he is, he will have the best life ever. And do you know what I should have done instead of letting you walk out on me, walk out on our daughter? I should have shot you fucking dead for the way you treated me," I said, the gun still steady in my hand.
Her nostrils flared, "If you kill me…Elena will come kill everyone you have ever loved." I sighed. Of course, she was working with that bitch.
See, I fucking knew it, part of me knew, but I really didn't want to believe it. Not one bit. And maybe that makes me fucking stupid, so fucking stupid. But this is what I get.
It was perfectly planned, too. Even when Elena alluded to it, she knew I would still let my guard down because of seeing Ryder again after a long week.
I'll give it to her. That was a really good plan. So good. It might cause my death.
"Well then, you'd be spared because I'm done. You are a bitch, a fucking bitch. And you need to learn how to keep Ryder's name out of your fucking mouth, not slut, not hooker, Ryder. My fucking Ryder. Keep Leo's name out of your mouth. Keeping Isabella's name out of your fucking mouth!" I yelled.
Her eyes softened slightly.
"Don't. Don't fucking give me that look. She doesn't even know who you are, because you are bitch."
"So are you. You are a fucking coward."
"I know."
"You know?"
"God, I know," I said. "That's what love does to you. It makes you this coward, scared of everything. Scared of losing this love that I haven't even had for that long. It makes me soft, it makes me whatever, but I don't even care."
I thought of other things I wanted to say, "Isabella thinks you're dead."
"You told her that?" She sounded almost mad.
"I didn't tell her anything. But she's never met you, she doesn't know you. Doesn't know the monster you were, the woman I loved for so long and thought I could never get over. All she knows is that you walked out on me, and really, that's all anyone should ever know."
I sucked my stomach in and slightly stumbled as the pain returned.
"You're a fucking coward…" I pointed the gun at her right leg and pulled the trigger. I watched as she barreled over in me, "I'm the coward? For what?"
She didn't say anything as she slowly got up and tried to stab me again, "for what?" I spoke louder, this time shooting her in the lower abdomen.
"I'm still your wife. I'm still the woman you love."
"That's all you have to say? After all of this. All of your comments about how much you hate me, and that's all you have to say?!"
She looked at me.
I guess it was, "that's so pathetic. You are so fucking pathetic. God, it is," I sighed, "I don't even really have anything cool to say."
"You are fucking making fun of this situation…" her mouth started to move, but the nauseous feeling started to drown her out.
"Shut up, shut up. Fuck I don't need to spend my last minutes bleeding out, hearing your god-awful voice. So why don't you tell Elena…when you see her in hell, next time don't walk out on someone for 12 years and then come back and try to ambush them with a shity knife and then blame them for everything, do you hear me?"
"I…"
I cut her off, taking a deep breath, "I don't give a fuck," I said, tired, and I felt myself point the gun at her head, and the once cold gun was now warm from my touch, and I pulled the trigger, blasting a hole clean through her head.
Almost in slow motion.
I watched the bullet go out the back of her head and then get stopped by my front door.
I watched as her mouth closed around the word she never said, as her eyes went to the back of her head, and as both of her arms flung backwards and then her head, almost making this cracking noise.
And then a hard thud.
I stumbled back over to the dresser, throwing the gun back in it and shutting it.
I pulled out my phone, opened it, and went to Leo's contact, clicking the call button.
As it rang, I looked as her head was slumped to one side, as her blood streamed out the back of her head, with her brains everywhere.
I don't feel anything right now. And I know I should because I just took another person's life, my ex-wife's life at that, but I really don't.
I walked slightly over to the wall, using it to stand and then putting my back against it as I slid down.
"What's up, boss?"
A few stab wounds wouldn't kill me, but by the excruciating pain that was taking over my entire torso, as the world started to spin with all the blood loss, she definitely hit a few vital organs. And it was way more than a few stabs. So it might kill me.
"Uh…you should probably watch out for Elena?"
"What does that mean? Is she at our house? Are you okay?" he asked frantically, and all I could do was let out a fit of coughs.
"No…she is not thankfully. But an old friend is…" my voice went raw as I looked at Lova's body in front of me, "or was."
"What? What does that…"
I cut him off, "I don't feel that good right now…and I really can't bring myself to take her body outside. I don't know where the bodyguards are… probably with family, and they should be… family is great. But when you guys get home, make sure you don't let Ryder or Isabella see her, okay? And don't tell them. I don't want to worry them."
"Dominic, what are you talking about?"
"Leo, did you hear what I just said?"
"Yes."
"Do you understand?"
I heard him sigh, "Yes, I do."
"Good. Thank you…And I don't wanna sound pathetic or stupid…like those stupid movies, but please tell my baby cakes I love her and tell her to get a good education, don't drop out, and no sleepovers without Ryder there to watch. And tell that handsome…sexy ass man that I love him to the moon and back, I really do. Tell him to apply to the acting school and not to worry about the cost. And you, my friend, thank you for many good years together, it means a lot, and I love you so much, and I hope you and Matteo are happy together, and if he treats you badly, leave him…" I felt myself start to cough as I got dizzier and dizzier.
I couldn't really say anything else, and I don't know if Leo was talking, but I couldn't hear him either.
I looked up from my phone, putting it at my side as I looked at Lova's body.
I blinked slowly.
I hope Ryder finds someone who will make him happy, even if I don't want him to ever leave me. I hope he finds someone.
I stared up at the ceiling.
Damn shame I could never propose to him, but glad to have a memory of him smiling at our boardwalk beach in my head.
Pathetic way to go out.
I really hope I don't see love in hell. Knowing my luck, I probably will.