"Shinji, is this really a good idea?"
Dear Shirou, how you manage to come up with such reasonable questions despite being a heroic mc is beyond even my intellect.
You're supposed to charge headfirst into impossible situations and somehow come out on top through sheer cough plot arm- COUGH will and self-sacrifice.
"Are you telling me that two twelve years going into a forest in the middle of the night is a bad idea?" I asked him curiously, looking around with my flashlight with one hand in the pocket of my purple jacket, "What makes you think that?"
Shirou deadpanned like he was tired of my shit but I know he loves me, I'm adorable after all.
"The dead bodies..." He pointed out quietly, his gaze briefly flickering to the trail of entrails and blood we were following, "And, it's too quiet."
Honestly, I'm surprised he isn't hurling his guts out.
I'm perfect so I'm calm at all times but he's an actual 12 year old, when was the last time you saw a 12 year old be so calm and rational?
Again, no, your fantasized version of yourself that takes everything in stride doesn't count.
All of us know you've never even been punched in the face before.
"Too quiet?" I spoke out, trying to make small talk.
Shirou gave me a small nod, "A forest is never quiet. There's critters and other small animals, especially at night." He held a hand out, stopping me, "Hear that?"
"Hear what?"
"Exactly. Stay behind me."
Shirou, I'm not one of your romance targets, dude.
I don't like it when people try to look out for me, unless they're hot older ladies with dubious motivations behind their actions.
"The only reason a forest would ever be quiet is the presence of a predator... And I don't think those kinds of animals live here." Shirou explained further, narrowing his brown eyes in a certain direction.
A predator?
"Drake! You there?!" I shouted out.
One of the bushes rustled but there was no other response and silence ensured shortly after.
"Jeffrey Epstein!"
That didn't seem to work either.
Hmm...
"What are you doing now?" Shirou deadpanned.
Wait, I've got it.
I snapped my fingers and called out again, "R.Kelly! We're 12!"
No?
Okay, I didn't want to do this but here goes.
"Michael Jackson!"
"Hee-Hee!"
It actually worked?
Oh wait, no, that noise came from the phone in my pocket, "Not funny, Cortana. You just dashed my hopes and dreams."
"Your dream was to be molested, father?"
Dear Cortana, I know that that's a genuine question but that sounds a lot like sarcasm.
But, jokes on you, that's exactly my dream.
I held up a clenched fist as a MANLY tear rolled down my cheek, "I wanna be molested by an Onee-san goddamit!"
Oh, I said that out loud, didn't I?
Shirou, stop looking at me like I'm trash.
"What the hell is wrong with you two?"
Shirou took a step to the side, "Don't lump me in with him, I don't have any of these 'dreams'."
Oi, that's not what you should be concerned with... Neither of us asked that question, it came from the forest... but, I'm a man.
I'll defend my vision to my dying breath.
"You just don't have the insight and enlightment I do." I pointed at Shirou, putting the other hand over my eye and bending backwords slightly, "I have seen heaven."
Shirou furrowed his brow, "Are you sure it was heaven and not... you know?"
What's that supposed to mean?
I'm an angel in human form, a nicer person than me simply does not exist.
"Even Satanb would give up sin after a meeting with me."
"I'm sure." Shirou nodded with a small, strange smile, "He'll beg God to take him back once he meets you."
Hm Hm.
WAit... that wasn't a compliment.
"You little shit."
I was about to grab Shirou but was interrupted by a fake cough, "I would prefer I not be disregarded... Do you realise your situation?"
"No, but seeing as how your ego can't even handle being ignored by children, I'm sure I'm not in danger." I spoke to the darkness with a plain face.
Honestly, what is it with people and their need for recognition and/or approval?
Be happy with your lot and enforce your own agendas, nothing else matters.
"A naive outlook. I was merely being respectful."
Oh?
I pursed my lips, "Then respectfully, get the fuck out of my backyard. I have enough on my plate already to be dealing with zombies."
Need to get some Titanfall level tech ready and launch a space station already, you're wasting my extremely valuable time... Go fall in love with a plain SI for chicks with less personality than a plank of wood and have your toddler 'imprinted' on by a werewolf or something.
Vampires, I swear to God.
"Zombies? Ah... you mean the ghouls?"
"Yes, Sherlock. You want a medal for that deduction?"
"Why must you be so hateful?"
"A rando from somewhere in Europe comes in and starts making zombies, wasting the time I could be using to invent things... I get to be hateful." I narrowed my eyes at the darkness, "You going to come out?"
"Fair enough."
A young man with sharp features and shimmering red eyes walked into the light with his hands behind his back. His grey hair was done in a single ponytail, held together by a silver ring-like ornament and he wore a suit reminiscent of the early 20th century dress code.
"I'm fairly young so you'll have to forgive me if this ends up more painful than I intend for it to be. It's not easy to control my beast-like strength when it comes to dealing with insects." He smiled, showing rows of sharp teeth.
I snickered at him before looking at Shirou, "Look at this dude."
Shirou got my message and completed the line, "Grown ass man."
Shirou, I love you.
Right, anyway, I wiped my mouth, "Cortana, launch a precision strike missile at my location. Actually, launch a dozen."
The drones from my lab have been working nonstop to build missiles and silos that can launch them with my blueprints... So far, they can cover the whole of Fuyuki and soon enough, it'll be the whole of Japan.
"Orbital strike this man."
"What about you, father?"
"I'm cool." I pulled the hand that was in my pocket and tossed a small machine to the ground.
"Very well then. Launching PrSMs in T-minus, 3 seconds."
Gauss has systems that can absorb, and in a sense, nullify kinetic energy... I'd have to be stupid to not make mini carry versions of these systems considering how convenient they are as a defense system.
"Hmm... what's that?"
I smiled innocently, "Give it a second."
"Wh-"
He was cut off by a pointy missile slamming into his face.
-
That day, twelve distinct gas leaks completely devastated a part of the forest near Fuyuki, evaporating trees and wildlife to create a patch of land that looked as barren as a desert.
...What do you mean forests don't have gas lines?
Shut the fuck up.
There's gas pipes all over the world.
It was a gas leak.
Yes, gas leak explosions CAN cause localised earthquakes and reach hundreds of metres into the air.
It's science.
What do you mean you saw missiles in the sky?
Maybe if you stopped jerking your johnsons and got some sleep, you wouldn't hallucinate
Fucking conspiracy theorists, I swear.
It was a gas leak.
-
Hope you enjoyed.
Check out Fate/World. It's peak, fr fr, trust.