[Of course it's fake. Of course it's an act. No sane person would think no one notices. No sane person would look at me and call me sane. Even trying to delude myself is pointless. I'm far too self-aware. Every action, every thought, every moment of my being is clear inside my mind. I'm aware of it all. I see every moment through an objective lens. I even talk to myself as if I were someone else.
The only thing that remains unclear is my reasoning. I don't understand myself. I don't understand why I do the things I do. Why I act the way I act. Why I think the way I think. I am a mystery to myself. There is no logic behind my actions, as nothing traumatic or impactful has ever happened to me. Perhaps in someone else's lenses, something has, but in my eyes, everything is blurred the same.
What started this chain of thought? When did it start? What reawakened this part of me? Perhaps it never left? Or was it the classroom? Was it the looks of pity? Was it Rawlin's question?
...His question. Do I want to keep my memories-?]
"Sirius, your answer?"
Snapping out of his daze, Sirius slides his paper to the old man. Trickling sweat descends from his hairline.
-Please be right.
Wilphrey examines the boy's answer. Today's class is a mixture of both language and history, as Cilas is out for the day. Sirius was asked to correctly write down the name of the previous king of Lunalir.
King Charles the Brilliant
In history class, Cilas explained that Charles expanded Lunalir's market into the thriving mass it is today. Unexpectedly, a couple of years ago, the king mysteriously fell ill and passed away, leaving the kingdom in a state of panic. Unrest consuming the citizens, the nobles took charge and now temporarily watch over the land, in wait for the next ruler.
Aureole is one of the two candidates up for running, as she is of royal blood. Supposedly, the wristlet she owns can only be worn by those with royal heritage. If Sirius were to have put it on, it would have burned through his flesh and bones.
Wilphrey stiffens his posture and scowls.
"Terrible. Again."
Sirius winces.
Wilphrey crumples and tosses back the paper in front of the boy. What did he get wrong? What is wrong with his answer?
Sirius scours the depths of his brain to try and reach an answer... Did Wilphrey ask a different question?
"You're too indecisive. Write down the answer. I know you know."
It would look bad to have him restate the question. Wilphrey can't know that he wasn't paying attention again. In a last-ditch effort, Sirius jots down the name of the king before Charles.
King Osric the Just
Handing the paper over to Wilphrey, Sirius sinks into his palms.
...
Wilphrey softens his features and expresses his contentment.
"Correct! Well done, Sirius."
Genuine relief washes over the boy. Those words fill him with drops of short-lived pride.
"Thank you," Sirius gleefully responds.
"You seem to be paying much more attention recently. Your results are proof of it."
"Well, I have such a great teacher, how could I disappoint him?"
The man and boy share a soulless chuckle.
Wilphrey has been unusually harsh on Sirius during class recently. Barraging him with questions and quizzes and being openly disappointed when he fails. Often vocalizing his discontent with: "You can do better than this!" or "Is this the best you can manage?" and even "This is horrible, what are you even doing?"
Korlin sits a couple of seats down from Sirius, watching the interaction unfold. How is Wilphrey alright with this? It's clear Sirius is in a distraught mindset, but Wilphrey seems pleased by it. What is that old man thinking?
Class concludes, and Korlin decides to confront his teacher.
"Hey, Wilphrey?"
"Yes?"
"Um, how is Sirius doing?"
"Quite exceptional. I must say, at first, his disengagement concerned me, but now, his mind is much more focused."
"Don't you think it's... odd?"
"Odd? How so?"
"Well... I'm not sure if you've noticed, but Sirius isn't... being himself. His mind is mixed up or something."
"..." The man falls silent, his features conveying a hint of vexation. "You do not think I've picked up on this fact?"
"So, you have... Then why are you pushing him so hard in class-"
"It is for the betterment of his education."
...
"Wha- Huh? What are you talking about??"
"I've lived a long life. Over my many years, I've picked up on a lot of things. One of those things being how to teach people more effectively."
"What are you getting at?"
"People learn better under harsher mental conditions."
"...Pardon?"
"When put under excess stress, the mind is more active. Therefore, it heightens its ability to receive information. In short, his unstable mental state amplifies his ability to learn."
The voluble boy is speechless. Anger swells deep within his gut.
"Are you serious?!"
"Quite. It is the most efficient way to teach."
Though a lack of hostility or ill-will in the old man's words, the concept he presents doesn't sit right with the boy.
"Do you realize how messed up that is?!"
"As messed up as it is, it is truth. I, for example, experienced such methods first-hand."
A crippling urge to ask if he's talking about learning magic takes hold over him.
-Don't ask about magic school. Don't ask about magic school. Don't ask about magic school. Don't ask about magic school. Don't ask about magic school.
Fighting the urge, he resumes his frustration.
"...Look, I don't know jack-shit about this world and its customs... I don't know if this is normal... But still, taking advantage of someone's instability is just wrong."
Furrowing his brow, Wilphrey scratches his chin, indulging in deep thought. He takes the boy's words into consideration, and his demeanor sinks.
"Even if it proves erroneous, do the results not justify the exploitation?"
Once held with high regard in his mind, the old man before him collapses the respect he had gained. Putting aside his previous outlook on him, Korlin now can't stand to make eye contact with the man.
"No... It doesn't."
Korlin's eye catches the ring on the man's finger. Wilphrey has not once mentioned anything concerning a spouse. What's the story behind that?
Shaking off the curiosity, the boy heads for the exit. It's time to give Sirius a wake-up call.
"Wait."
The boy stops and purposely fills his response with disappointment.
"...What is it?"
"Do you think ill of me?"
Considering his options, Korlin decides it would be best to be blunt here. Old men such as him are often too stuck in their ways.
"I'm starting to."
His savior in the alley, whom he once admired, is now falling from grace. Never meet your heroes... Reality is often cruel.
"...Apologies." Regret ropes its way around his word. "In truth... I am unsure of how to approach you both."
Emotion tangles with the air.
"Oh...?"
-Is he actually a big softie?
"My days of youth are distant. All I remember now is the teachings I learned; I know not how I felt in those moments." Nostalgia gleams in his hazel eyes. "I am not fit to be a teacher, even these old bones know that. I am not accustomed to the ways of youth, either... My children..."
The old man stalks his ring, moisture swelling in his ancient tear ducts.
Unsure of how to respond and overcome with emotion, Korlin scans the hollow man. Seeing his mentor like this... Seeing how he really is just an out-of-touch old man... How could he ever hate him?
"...I don't think ill of you, Wilphrey. For what it's worth, I think you're a wonderful person. Just an... outdated teacher."
The man's aged eyes meet the ones of youth. A warmth emanates from them.
"...Thank you."
Sincerity so pure it feels like an embrace.
"Just being honest." Korlin smiles. "I think you should consider a different approach. Children need nourishment."
"You are right... I believe I've seen you in the wrong light this entire time; you are much more mature than you lead on."
"Thank- Wait, what's that supposed to mean?!"
"You are a wise soul. You even taught this old man a lesson."
Pride builds up and overflows.
"Aha- Why, thank you. I have read lots of manga. They've made me quite the intellect."
"Man... gah?"
"...Don't worry about it."
-That would be one hell of a conversation.
With the mood lightened and everything cleared up...
It's time to confront Sirius.
Korlin releases a drawn-out sigh.
"What are you planning to do?" Wilphrey asks.
"I'm going to go talk to him. If he refuses, I'll pin him down and make him."
"Perhaps your methods also need to be reviewed."
The two share a soulful chuckle. It is a wholesome sight.
"...See you later, Wilphrey."
"Mm, I wish you both luck. Next time I see the boy, I will apologize for my actions."
With this, all his respect for the man rebuilds, and then some.
"Good." He heads towards the door, and before leaving, shouts one final thing. "You still need to teach me magic! Okay, bye!"
Going beyond the door frame, he hears the faint chuckle of an old man.
⧗⧖⧗⧖⧗
With class out of the way, Sirius roams for someone to impress.
A cycle he's repeated for the past couple of days. A routine.
His confrontation with Aureole still lingers in his mind. She stopped him from cutting his hair, but he still has his doubts. Was she just lying?
Lying about what? He doesn't know. He always assumes the worst in people, without ever a real reason as to why. He doesn't truly trust people.
Stumbling around the corner, he runs into his companion.
"There you are!" Korlin shouts and grabs Sirius's wrist before he can react.
"Huh? W-What's up?"
Secretly, Sirius has been avoiding him. Korlin is strangely observant and would likely make a fuss over something if they interacted alone. And sure enough...
"Let's go take a walk."
...
Orange rays paint the skies.
Korlin takes Sirius outside the manor and into the green plains. Heading up the crescent mountains behind the mansion, crisp air soars up Sirius's amputated hoodie. If he were wearing his new clothes, he wouldn't be so cold.
Words remain unspoken on the climb up. Sirius offers no resistance despite dreading their destination. Anticipation racks both their brains.
They come across a flat, grassy patch and rest on a nearby stone.
"So, what are we doing up here?" Sirius asks.
Korlin gazes out at the setting sun, an unreadable expression planted on his face.
"You know, most of the time when watching or reading a story, I always feel that it moves too quickly. That the characters rarely have time to breathe and do things normal people do."
"..."
"They're always so focused on their goal that they miss out on the things that make us human."
"..."
"Like this moment, for example, quietly chatting, an awkward, solemn silence lingering over us... The uncertainty of it all."
Korlin's words remind Sirius of his mother. Specifically, the time she took him to that waterfall and said something similar. Sirius can't help but think that, just like back then, he doesn't even have a goal he's trying to reach. Life has always felt slow to him... Which makes his response even shallower.
"...Well, that's kind of how life is sometimes. You don't always get time to breathe... Life is... suffocating." Sirius dons his typical, forced smile as he speaks.
"...Why do you do that?"
"...What do you mean?"
"Why do you smile like that?"
Korlin's tone is blunt and humorless. These moments are rare. In the time he's known him, Korlin has always been energetic and talkative, with only brief glimpses of this side.
"...What do-"
"You always have that look on your face... You smile, but you're sad about something."
-----
A flash of light is followed by the image of his brother.
Canopus stands at the bed frame.
"You... you always have that stupid look on your face, like you have something to be sad about."
And just like that, a crushing weight hammers Sirius's chest.
-----
Sirius grabs his chest as if he can't breathe. His breath heavy, he starts to laugh.
He laughs and laughs. Not at Korlin, but at himself. He laughs until his stomach hurts.
"Is it that obvious?"
"...Painfully so."
His laugh intensifies until it breaks down into silence.
Overrun with flashes of his past and anguish of what to say, Sirius tucks in his legs to prevent the chill from growing stronger.
"Here I thought no one noticed..."
"Did you really think that? Everyone sees how stressed you are. For someone who hates people pitying him, you make it damn hard. Before I found you, I asked Aureole... And she was worried about you, man."
-Of course, I knew. But how else am I supposed to act?
"...This is nothing. I've always been like this."
...
"When are you going to stop lying to yourself?"
"I'm not lying, though."
...
"..."
"..."
"I've asked you before, but... What was your life like before coming here?"
"...It's nothing interesting. I shouldn't bore you."
"Please, Sirius. Tell me. I want you to tell me."
"...No... Really, I can't talk about it. I hate it-"
"Tell me! What did you do?"
-Be quiet.
"Stop..."
Frustration boils to the brink of explosion.
Sirius stands, aiming to get away from his assailant. He refuses to let himself get close to someone, especially him.
"What were you doing? What was it like?!"
-Shut up.
"Just stop."
His facade is on the edge of total collapse.
One more push and it will crumble.
"Stop running away! Stop hiding and tell me!!"
-Just let me bury it...
"..."
"TELL ME, SIRIUS!"
...
He snaps.
"You want to know what I did with my life before I got here?!" Sirius screams. "Absolutely NOTHING! FUCKING NOTHING!"
It feels like a boulder is rolling off his chest. He feels light. For the first time in years, he's yelled at someone. He's expressed a part of himself.
His pained expression relaxes into a calm, genuine one. There's no reason to try and hide it any longer.
It's time for a heart-to-heart.
"I woke up dreading the day, and going to school just to sit there like an idiot. I didn't have a job, so I went home and did more nothing. Anything off from the normal routine was either super exciting or I hated it.
I had "friends," but they weren't really friends. They were just strangers I sat with and talked to sometimes. But they weren't there. Or I guess... I wasn't there. I was just glad they talked to me.
I played soccer all my life, but I wasn't playing it out of enjoyment anymore. It was just to please my father and talk to the couple of people who would talk to me. I never improved or even tried to. I'd go to practice and then leave halfway through. And no one would notice.
My parents were divorced, so I would go back and forth between their houses. They would often argue about where I went and when. And I had no say. I felt like cattle. Maybe I was, though... I never resisted. I just didn't care. I hated being around them anyway.
At some point, I realized that they weren't the best people, especially to each other. I lost respect for them, but still lived so they wouldn't be sad.
Then there was my brother... We used to be best friends, but... I ruined that, too. He even killed me in the end."
Sirius's voice strains. He looks at Korlin, who is listening with his full attention and care. Kicking a rock off the ledge, Sirius breathes in and continues.
"I used to be so... happy.
I was a perfect child. My parents would constantly brag about me everywhere we went. I was athletic, popular, smart, and everything a perfect child would be... I guess they never got that image out of their heads... My mom would tell me that I was great, but I couldn't understand why. Hell, she even named me after the brightest star in the sky... I was always congratulated for everything I did. I had such big expectations set on me, and for a long time, I was perfectly fine with it. I could match those expectations. I was great...
But, as I grew up, I realized I was falling behind. Slowly, I realized I wasn't great at a lot of things. Not anymore. The sports I played forever, I never seemed to get better at. The art that I loved so much, I realized I was mediocre at compared to others. There were always those who were better than me...
Even though I was considered academically gifted, eventually my motivation declined, and so did my grades. But I... didn't care anymore. I didn't care about anything. I wanted to please my parents, but I just couldn't... Everyone is better than me anyway, so why should I even try? Why should I need to feel inferior for existing?
There were those who had their whole life planned, knew what they wanted to be, had motivations and desires they sought to fulfill, and yet, I had none of those. Even now, I don't know what to do. Keep my memories? Leave them to disappear? How should I know? Why should I even care...? What can I possibly do?
...
I realized I was worthless. My potential was wasted since I went nowhere with it. And before I knew it, all of my days were the same. I repeated the same routine again and again... Nothing ever changed. I believed I was dead weight. I still do.
The things I once loved to do, I felt nothing doing. The people that once made me laugh were nothing more than annoyances. The things I once cared for, I felt no attachment towards. My favorite foods tasted bland and... Everything grew dull. I was an empty shell. I felt no sadness or happiness. No outward anger. I just existed, acting like I cared.
And yet, nobody else knew. To them, I acted, and I pretended as if I were fine. Even with all my failures in everything I did... I still went on and acted like I was content with them. My motivation was nowhere to be found, but to them, I was great. I was kind, selfless... A perfect child. I was told I was great, and what I once believed to be true... Just wasn't. Maybe those words were always out of pity..."
"..."
Sirius swallows and then takes another breath.
"No one ever really cared about me. I was always a burden. Even to my parents... their 'love' was obligatory.
I never found love. And once, when I thought I did, it just went down the drain.
I had so many "friends," but I lost them all. And now I can't see anyone as one.
I lived in my loneliness.
I was nothing. An empty shell aimlessly wandering through life.
The same thing day after day. The boredom, the loneliness, the depression, the nonexistent will to live... Every day I told myself: "Tomorrow it'll be different, starting tomorrow I'll change," but I never did. I never got better.
I knew it was my fault, but I still refused to do anything.
And now... Here, things have gotten better. I met you, I met everyone in that mansion... So much has changed around me... But I'm still the same worthless shell. I'm still just a void.
I haven't changed at all...
I don't know how to make friends, I don't know how to act in front of people... So, I smile like an idiot, hoping they'll like me. I've only known myself for so long, and hardly at that. I don't know who I am or who I'm trying to be...
I can't even make one god damn decision. Not for simple plans. Not for what to eat. Not for my future. I mean, my indecisiveness almost got me killed, for fuck's sake! If only I had chosen one of the drinks back then... I hesitated and ended up grabbing both. If I hadn't done that, the weight wouldn't have ripped the bag. If only I could've just... If I just... I just...
I just... can't do anything."
...
Korlin absorbs his companion's words. He processes all of it without a word.
Emotion racks Sirius's expression, moisture building in his eyes.
A breeze brushes through their hair, carrying their feelings with it.
"Have you ever told anyone any of this before?"
"...No. I never went to therapy. I never went to the doctors to get diagnosed or prescribed. But why would I have?
I was perfect.
I mean, it's not like anything traumatic has happened to me. There's no reason I should feel this way... I didn't need help, I didn't need saving, I lived a normal life... I didn't want anyone to worry about me. I didn't want anyone to pity me.
I never thought people would even care. But I thought that if I could make others happy, by matching their perfect standards, I would be too."
Guilt also played a factor. If he were to ask his mother to take him to the doctor, and they found something... How would she feel? She'd realize her son wasn't who she thought he was. She'd think she failed at raising him. She'd also have to spend more money on him...
...
"Sirius..."
"You know... Sometimes I wish my life was worse, so I'd have an excuse to be this sad."
"..."
"I know, this is a horrible way to think... I'm aware of my faults. Painfully so. I just... don't know what to do about them."
...
"...I know I said we'd chat, but honestly, I don't know how to respond."
"...That's okay. You listening is enough."
"..." Korlin considers all his options. Despite his calm demeanor, he desperately wants to help. He's never had a talk like this with someone. Neither of them has. "Do you... feel any better?"
"...No. I don't feel anything."
"...You've been alone all this time, right?"
"Mm."
"This is just a theory, but... I don't think you've lost your emotions like you think you have."
Sirius doesn't even look at him.
"...That so?"
"You didn't lose your emotions... You hid them."
Those words resonate with the boy. He's right.
Sirius briefly chuckles to himself.
"Maybe so."
Seeing his response, Korlin is hit by a wave of determination.
"-But you know, you're not alone anymore. You don't have to isolate yourself anymore. There are people who genuinely want to be around you!"
"..."
"I'm here with you all the way. Everyone is."
"..."
"Believe it or not, they care about you, Sirius. They're worried about you. And I care about you, too, Sirius."
"...Why?"
"...That's a bit hard to answer. And I can't speak for everyone else, but... You're the first person I've enjoyed being around in a long time. You're the first person I'd call a friend."
Sirius's face softens, and the water in his eyes threatens to overflow. No words have ever felt so genuine before...
-A friend...
"...I..."
"I'm sure everyone else has their own reasons. You hit it off with everyone when he first came here, no? They all want you to be comfortable, like how you were when we first arrived."
"...That was just an act, too. I'm always acting, I don't..."
"Just be yourself, Sirius."
Korlin's words touch his heart. He feels like he's retreating into an infantile state of being. But somehow, he doesn't mind it.
"I... don't know how to be me."
"Then we can figure that out together!" The boy rises and slams his hands on Sirius's shoulders. "We're not on Earth anymore! Don't stay bound by things you did there."
"It's been so long... I don't know if I can change."
"You can! And I'll help you in any way I can. We're in a different world! This is the perfect opportunity to change and do what you want to do."
-What I want to do...
"I don't know what I want to do..."
"Then we can figure that out together, too."
Sirius's tears almost fall. Holding them back, he shifts his head away from Korlin.
"Am I safe to be myself...?"
"You are. That's all anyone wants you to be."
...
On the verge of surging tears, Sirius turns around completely.
Korlin smiles.
"What's this? If I recall correctly, you told me that you'd only cry for other people."
"Shut up..." He chuckles with his croaking voice.
"Are you about to cry for yourself? I'd be honored to be the first to see it."
His lighthearted comment is matched with a similar one.
"Unfortunately for you, someone already beat you to it."
"What?! Who-" Korlin ponders a moment before the answer reveals itself. "It was Aureole, wasn't it?"
"Who knows?"
Reminded of that moment with Aureole, combined with Korlin's heartfelt words...
Tears roll down his cheeks.
"Awww, man, I wanted to be the first..." Unable to pretend being upset, Korlin chuckles.
Sirius, his face wet with tears, faces his companion and laughs with him.
The golden sky dims and begins sinking below the distant mountains.
His eyes still red, but with tears subsided, Sirius sits beside Korlin on the stone.
They watch the fading sky melt into a pale purple. They witness the green blades of grass illuminate into a fluorescent blue. Nature's glowsticks wave in the crisp wind and carry along a sweet melancholy.
"We're in another world, man..."
Korlin breaks the gentle quiet with a hopeful hint of optimism.
"I can probably guess, but... Are you alright with that? Family, friends, everyone from your old life, you'll probably never see them again..."
Korlin smiles, traces of nostalgia seeping out.
"I didn't leave behind anyone who would care..."
"What about your sister?"
"...No. Not even her." Silence creeps its way back between them. But not for long. "But that's alright. Dying and coming here... I couldn't ask for more. I'm content with starting over. Wherever it will take me. Especially if I get to learn magic!"
"You really want to learn magic, don't you?"
"Of course! It's always been a dream of mine! Unfortunately, Earth is boring and doesn't care about my dreams. But here... I think I'll get to live a little."
As if a physical tug, Sirius can almost feel their bond grow closer. We really are alike...
"...What should we do now?"
"Hmm... What do you want to do?"
"Whatever you want to-"
flick
Korlin's finger impacts his forehead.
"Hey, don't smile like that."
He hadn't even realized. Subconsciously, he put on his usual front and fake smile.
"Sorry... I'm not used to being so casual."
"It's alright. I'll keep correcting you as long as I need to!" Korlin smirks, wiggling his finger around.
Something akin to relief rushes over him. Confirmation, perhaps?
"Oh!" Korlin claps his hands. "That's right! What about Rawlin's offer? What do you think? Do you want to keep your memories?"
That's right... If he decides to help Rawlin, there is a possibility they can find a way to keep his memories from disappearing. If he refuses, his memories will slowly vanish until he remembers nothing.
-What do I want to do? Are my memories really worth protecting? Should I... Do I want to...
Sirius ponders. A straining silence builds to his developing verdict.
Thinking carefully, considering every aspect of himself, Sirius comes to a decision...
"I want to keep my memories."
A smile rolls up on Korlin's face. Seeing his companion come out of hiding and make a large decision fills him with a sense of accomplishment and joy. Despite their short time together, it feels like he's known Sirius forever.
"Alright then," Korlin stands up swiftly. "Then you can count on me!" He extends his hand to Sirius.
"What about you? Will you try and get them back?"
"...I don't know yet. But if that's what you want to do, I'll give it my all to make sure you succeed."
Smiles brimming on both their faces, Sirius grabs his companion's palm.
Hoisting him up, Korlin pats his back.
"Thank you."
"Of course." A question crosses Korlin's mind. "May I ask something?"
"Go for it."
"If all of these bad memories... Why try and get your memories back?"
Sirius draws a blank. Or perhaps, deep down, he does know. But right now, it doesn't matter.
"I don't know. I just want to."
"Hmph." Korlin takes pride in something. "Then that's enough reason." A chilling gale brushes their skin, driving goosebumps up their limbs. "Ahhhh- For now, we should probably go back to the mansion!"
"T-True."
Cold and motivated, they descend down into the luminous plains and toward their newfound home. And Sirius, given new purpose, leaves his act -his facade- to disappear along with the daylight.