Taking pictures, meeting fans, smashing Nazi's into the pavement. It's hard to follow up on a really good day.
Especially on a day like today…
The smell of ozone wafted in through holes in the ceiling as water dripped into my basement. I guess that explained why there was no one squatting in here before… my food stores were thankfully safe in the shopping cart, but despite being a new England city, Brockton had decided that it was going to rain buckets on buckets. The ceiling above me sounded like a tin roof, and it was getting sick of it.
Because I was sick.
"Achoo!" I squeaked, as snot uncutely dribbled from my nose. My whole body felt warm, weak, and cold somehow all at the same time. I had originally planned on checking PHO today, but…
CRACKATHOOM!!!
The horrible thunderstorm outside said no. I looked at the layer of water forming in my little hole in the ground I called a home, and I frowned.
"Can you- can you believe this?" I said to my summon, silently chiding myself for not having stolen a box of tissues.
Spoiler: Roll: 19
My long eared Lopmon looked back at me, turning its head to the side. I didn't even have the mental energy to squee over how cute my summon was. That's how dire things were.
I was wet. I was tired. I was cranky.
This sucked.
No one online talks about capes being bored. Or having sick days.
It was kind of scary being sick and not having anyone to look after you. No one to rely on when you were at your most vulnerable. With no real distractions in the damp, slowly flooding basement, I was left with nothing but my thoughts, and it was hard not to catastrophize. What if I didn't get better? What if there was something in the water in my unsanitary little hole in the ground and it got so bad I died?
If I got sick and died, how long would it take before someone found me?
I looked at poor Lopmon, sitting on top of my stolen Walmart shopping cart as it rustled through an opened family sized box of Cheese-Its. I didn't really feel like going anywhere, given I was sick, but I couldn't exactly stay here. This just wasn't livable, and I knew enough about sickness tangentially to know this was probably bad.
My socks were wet! I'm gonna break something!
booooooom!
Yeah, foo to you too, thunderstorm! I let my head hit the concrete of the basement and groaned, both in pain and in the annoyed acknowledgement that I was going to have to go… somewhere else.
Lopmon looked at me, cheese gracing his cutie patootie face. I glared back, not mad at it, just mad in general. Lopmon understood. Probably.
Sadly, Lopmon was a tiny bunny creature, and I couldn't trust it to take me… anywhere really. That and I was going to have to change into my outfit if I wanted to go anywhere with my minions. It was probably smarter to just… dispel Lopmon before going anywhere though.
Lopmon tilted its head at me.
"...sigh…"
Well, maybe my power would help me out?
Spoiler: Roll: 12
Instead of a nice, muscular humanoid to carry me around like a princess, my power decided I hadn't suffered enough. A massive glob of blue… purple… sludge drip dropped on the floor, splattering my suffering form with yet more water. It rose up, forming a big goopy mouth, fin flap things on either side, and a pair of sickly yellow eyes atop its head.
This… Flan was big enough to carry me with ease, yet viscous enough that it could easily get out of the basement, and resilient enough to not be a walking target while also not having to worry about the rain at all. It was, in most respects, perfect.
Anyone who tells you technically correct is the best kind of correct should choke on a Cookie Crisp...
Just look at it.
I swallowed my disgust. I really had to go.
I put thought into it, but I really didn't see any other good options. Sitting in the quiet of the basement, laying in water as it dripped through the roof, sick off my gourd, I still managed to find the mental bandwidth to spare to realize how lonely it was down here. Lopmon and Flanny were here, but they didn't quite… scratch the social itch, and without a phone all I could do was sit here and hope I got better.
I tried not to let any dread filter in, and failed. I stood up uneasily, having Lopmon lend me his long ears. The process of changing had me shivering, and stuffing package sealed food into my dress pockets wasn't enough to distract me from a very concerning thought.
"Where can I even go?"
Missy let out a sigh.
One of the upsides of having a cool underground hangout space for the Wards was that, well, it was a cool underground hangout space for superheroes.
On rainy days, it kind of sucked though. Missy liked the smell of rain, even if rain made visibility suck with her power. She had fond memories of one of her earliest patrols, figuring out interesting ways to bend space and direct the rainfall like an umbrella…
Or to soak Dennis with a funnel. If he didn't want to get wet, he would've kept the wisecracks to himself.
That, and the sound of rain relaxed her. Before she triggered, she remembered working at her desk on rainy days doing homework or watching tv shows, or even just lazing about when there was nothing else to do and appreciating the world she lived in.
There wasn't much lazing about for her most days anymore. She had school, Wards patrols, training sessions, meetings… she didn't need extracurriculars now that she knew what she was going to do when she grew up, but it did still bother her knowing she wouldn't have the option. Maybe she'd get to high school and figure out she was a great fit for… something?
Still, on days like today, the Ward's quarters felt sterile. Like she was an action figure, plastic sealed and sitting on the shelf, cut off from the real world.
The light went off over the door, and Missy reached over to grab her helmet in a practiced motion. She laid back on the couch, mindlessly watching the news as she waited for the door to open. She'd learned not to watch her preferred shows on the main TV unless she wanted to get mocked for it.
In walked a gaggle of her teammates. Chris was, of course, already here and in his lab. Shadow Stalker was also here, but she was in her room changing into her outfit, thank God. Dean, Dennis and Carlos all waltzed in, the latter soaking wet and the former absolutely spotless.
"Man, it's raining cats and dogs out there." Dennis remarked, shaking his head and hair. "Kinda wish I could freeze the rain. How cool would that be?"
"Wouldn't you just get stuck?" Missy smiled, privately happy to be bantering. "Like, if you froze everything you were touching, and your body was surrounded by rain?"
"Maybe?" Dennis said, giving her suggestion some serious thought. "My power doesn't tend to like liquids, but probably? Could you imagine me chucking a bottle of water at someone then freezing the water?"
"They'd have to change your name to Flash Freeze." Missy smirked.
"I feel like that name would give off the wrong impression…" Dean muttered like he wasn't smiling with familiarity.
"Oh please, it's not like there's any Cryokinetics in town."
"What about Hail Mary?" Carlos pointed out.
"Hail Who?"
"She's with Advent's group they sent up here. They don't get into cape fights though, they just do charity." Carlos explained.
Missy thought it was kind of crazy that capes like Parian and Advent existed what with the world the way it was. The world needed people who could fight now more than ever, especially after what happened last year. She wasn't about to call charity work unimportant, and a part of her respected what they'd decided to do with their powers, but she could never imagine doing it herself.
"Huh…" Dennis muttered. "Why haven't I heard about them yet?"
"Triumph is out of town, so they had me sit in on the latest Protectorate meeting since he's going to be graduating soon anyways. Her and Sister Twister are the capes, and Father Anthony is their leader. Unlike a certain someone, since they don't do cape fights they were considered low priority to talk about, especially for us Wards."
"Ah, you mean Henchmistress?" Missy remarked. "I ran into her the other day. What's the opinion on her from the Protectorate?"
They had already gotten a very basic rundown that she was to be considered dangerous and to generally play along with her games with some broad guidelines, but they'd yet to get a proper meeting on it.
"Thank you for reminding me, Missy." Carlos said, snapping his fingers. "Assault's coming down to give us a brief meeting before we break off for training and patrol."
"Don't they normally have the Ward's leader handle dissemination of information?" Dean asked.
"Please don't disseminate in here, Carlos. Missy is right there." Dennis mock whispered.
"I have ears, you know!"
"Yes, that's frequently the problem." Dennis shot back. Missy stuck her tongue out at him and crossed her arms. She'd tried flipping him off before, but that just led to her getting teased for being 'adorable'. She hadn't tried it again since.
"Is he on his way?" Dean asked. Carlos checked his watch. Missy thought it was crazy he of all people used a watch when the guy called Clockblocker just checked his phone.
"He should be down in ten minutes."
"I'll go tell Sophia and make sure Chris is ready." Dean replied, ever the gentleman, before walking off.
Not ten minutes later, Missy was firmly ignoring Sophia when the mask alarm went off. Not a few moments later, Assault walked in, a remote held firmly in one hand as he smiled.
"Good afternoon, kids. I'm here to give a very educational-" gag "-...and very mandatory lesson about Brockton's latest menace."
He clicked a button on his remote, and the television screen went from some headline about the situation in Tripoli to what could be best described as a mid-budget powerpoint presentation. Missy was mortified to learn that the PRT used powerpoints, because ugh, computer class was boring and they weren't half as cool as the holograms they used on Protectorate Pals!
To say that show had been ruined for her after becoming a Ward was an understatement.
"Aegis already sat through the Protectorate version, and normally this kind of thing can wait a bit since Wards don't usually interact with unknown villains, but after she broke into the photoshoot and yesterday, those of us at the big kid's table thought you could use a primer on this stuff." Assault explained. "Since I've had two different encounters with her, I was sent down so I could share my own insights. It's normally M&M's job, but she added some of her own notes, so we should be good. Questions?"
Missy was half expecting Sophia to make some snide remark, but she actually kept herself under control.
"So, first order of business is this:"
He clicked his remote and the slide changed to one showing the title "Joke Villains."
"Joke Villains are something that requires a special touch, even for experienced members of the Protectorate. You can't handle them like other villains, and this is often to a mutual benefit of sorts, but not always."
"So we've got a new Uber and Leet in town. Great." Sophia muttered.
"Uber and Leet are jokes, and villains, but not joke villains." Dennis replied, stroking his chin like a sensei in a martial arts flick. Sophia punched him in the shoulder. I'd have been more satisfied about it if I didn't know Dennis reveled in her attention.
"He's right, actually." Assault said. "Uber and Leet are, at best, a failed attempt at the concept. Lots of capes across the US like committing crimes for attention like they do, but our analysts have good reason to think Henchmistress will be much more successful. Uber and Leet have never necessitated kid's gloves because of how loathed they are. The difference is in public perception."
It was easy to forget that Assault was a longstanding Protectorate hero when he had such a playful attitude most of the time, but here it was on full display.
"Put simply: She's funny, and when she's not, she's honest and sweet. Having met her twice, it's not an act. Heck, I'd say the villain front is more of an act than her being considerate."
"Now, the public doesn't mind if I, say, throw Uber into a garbage can since he's beaten homeless people on camera before, but they do mind if you're the one kicking that homeless person. Side note: please never do that kids."
"I would never." Dean said, and Missy believed him. He was a good guy like that.
"So what, we have to use kid's gloves with her?" Sophia asked.
"Well, the short of it is yes, but the long of it is a bit more complicated. People often joke that the PRT is two thirds PR, but they often forget that this applies to villains too. Toybox has to manage its reputation to keep customers coming in, the ABB manages Lung's infamy to keep his territory in line so he doesn't have to work as hard, same with Kaiser managing his own narrative. Simple stuff overall, but easy to mess up, trust me."
"And me." Dennis 'Clockblocker' Prauer added with a smile. Assault shot him a smile before clicking on his slide, showing a picture of Henchmistress at her lemonade stand, sitting expectantly like a little kid and waving at the camera.
"Henchmistress, and joke villains in general, are different in that they rely on the public for protection. In my first encounter with her, it would have been easier to justify catching her and offering her a Wards deal. Now, after the smash success of the puppet show, the photo shoot and her kissing booth stunt, we have to approach her carefully."
"Actually, I had a question if you don't mind." Carlos interrupted. "Didn't the PRT play down the events of the photoshoot? It was a lot scarier in person."
"More PR. Think of it like this: Say we don't play her game at all and go full bore on capturing her. Sure, it could work and we might get ourselves a new Ward, but it could not, and if we force her too far into a corner and finds her 'joke villain' shtick isn't working, things could get deadly. These are still capes after all."
"She's dangerous." Chris muttered. "Fighting her was crazy. It felt like, at any point, some totally unknown variable could literally appear out of nowhere. I had no idea what to expect…"
"I'll couch to that." Aegis said. "She herself? I think even Sophia would agree that anyone in this room could take her, even Vista. Her projections? It's a roll of the dice, and not a particularly favorable one."
Missy bristled at the implication that she was somehow the weakest in a straight fight, even if she knew it was true. Silently, she agreed with his assessment. When she walked up to the girl at the lemonade stand, Henchmistress herself had to fight to keep her cool at her own summons. The sleep paralysis demon and Dr. Seuss's Warax were… a lot.
"I'm glad you agree, because that segways well into my next slide." Assault said. What showed up was a video file of the photoshoot. "Take a look."
Missy recognized the shot. She was considered too young for that particular photoshoot given its theme, but she saw the photograph on the news article. She figured it was edited to look scarier, but seeing the video play out, it was somehow worse.
The hideous freak of nature in the background channeled energy coming out of its own eye through its writhing, serpentine fingers as, in the foreground, a goth woman with pale white skin and dark red eyes grabbed a terrified looking woman and locked eyes with her as an eyeball forced its way down her throat. Her body convulsed as the demon in the background multiplied and shouts were heard from off screen. The woman stopped convulsing as her skin paled an unnatural white and her eyes glazed over, the same dark red. Both eyes snapped to the camera before the video ended.
"Joke Villains, in order to actually succeed, hold back." Assault said. "Here, she briefly lost control of her power, and the result? A barely mitigated disaster."
Dennis was uncharacteristically quiet, Missy noted. She felt like she was missing something there, but if Dennis didn't feel up to talk about it, it was fine. He\d either get around to it eventually, or he wouldn't. Assault wordlessly changed the slide to a scene Missy recognized immediately. The body cam footage.
"The PRT generally evaluates Joke Villains on a case by case basis, and some have been successfully captured and integrated in the past, so we have people experienced with this kind of thing. It's their opinion that, if a Joke Villain is dangerous enough when provoked, the PRT is better off simply drawing lines with them and not forcing the issue depending on their manpower. We can take the hit to PR from companies that get robbed or inconvenienced by Joke Villains because, often, a good Joke Villain keeps the property damage to a minimum. That, and the alternative is much worse."
Assault hit play, and I watched again as the three summons almost single-handedly tore the two sides of the gang fight to shreds. Everything was kept in, though Missy noted that there were some parts they censored. The guy getting shot by his own bullet was blurred out save for his expression. Missy got the pleasure of watching her teammates react in a silent state of shock after watching Dark Inferno single handedly beat Hookwolf into the dirt while a murder or crows descended on the gangsters.
"Keep in mind, her summons did this with minimal direction. She has shown not only an incredible variety of powers, but also a very high ceiling for their capabilities. The Think Tank hasn't been able to get a full read on her powers yet, but we suspect that the peak of what she can summon is still higher than this. She's playing nice right now, and the expert opinion is that it's better for everyone that way."
"And frankly, after seeing that?" Assault began. "I'm inclined to agree with them for once."
"Her control could use some work." Aegis added. "She let her own summon take her over back at the photoshoot."
"And she had to tell her summons to hold back more when we were watching the bodycam footage." Missy chimed in. "She berated her own summon for going too far. Her control seems like her weak spot. Imprecise."
Assault nodded.
"That's what we've noticed as well. I've also noticed her be surprised by her own summons on two separate occasions. First when she didn't know her own summon's name, and secondly when she summoned that jet engine thing. There's something there, but for now, all you kids need to know is that she's dangerous, even when she doesn't mean to be."
"That said, as Joke Villains go, Henchmistress is an especially nice case. She doesn't seem eager to make the PRT look especially bad, and has shown to be empathetic. This means the bean counters and eggheads in the offices like having her around. People enjoy seeing her, and they like seeing us fight her to a point. As far as they're concerned, everyone gets to win, especially considering she's willing to help the PRT out as yesterday showed. Seeing as she declared you guys her 'rivals', that means you should play nice with the nice villain girl."
Everyone, to varying degrees of subtlety, stared at Sophia. Sophia herself simply held up a middle finger, though Missy noted she wasn't vocally hostile. That was usually an indicator that she was deep in thought about something.
"For you guys? Henchmistress isn't that dangerous as long as she gets to play her games."
"She's nice." Carlos said. "When she didn't know it was us, she got along with us great."
Dennis still looked conflicted about it, but still nodded. Apparently whatever was bothering him didn't stop him from agreeing.
"Yeah. She was really cool." Kid Win added.
"That's cuz you have a big fat crush." Dennis said, taking the opportunity to deflect his discomfort about her by embarrassing his teammate. Chris, in a valiant defense of his pride, immediately turned as red as a tomato and started sputtering.
Missy tried to pay attention to the ensuing banter, but she couldn't help but let her thoughts wander. Henchmistress clearly had plenty of power. The sheer variety of abilities her projections could have was crazy to think about, and she never had repeats. Even sitting in the back of the truck watching her summons take the gang fight apart, she still had to hold them back to not kill Hookwolf of all people…
It made her wonder just what the girl was fully capable of.
Ding Dong!
"We're closed, I'm afraid!" Parian shouted, unwilling to get up from the sewing room.
Ding Dong!
Ding Dong!
DingDingDingDingDing-
Parian groaned and put the dress down, annoyance growing over her features as she grabbed her mask and made for the front door of her business. She was kicking herself for not asking the contractor to remove the doorbell when she had the place renovated. Sure, it gave the place a bit of charm, but it also may as well have been a big red button people could press explicitly to annoy her.
She mentally commanded one of her mannequins to follow her. She saved space by making her own mannequins out of fabric and sealing them up so her power would fill into them properly instead of using actual cloth or plastic mannequins, but the end result was much safer and more economical. It trailed behind her like a silent guardian as she made her way to the door only to pause at what she could see through the glass.
There, in the middle of the thunderstorm, was a massive blob of slime with a sinister expression moulded into the contours of its gelatinous body. Henchmistress stood directly in front of it, soaked to the bone in a combination of water and a fluid that clearly wasn't water in her own outfit, looking particularly like a wet cat. She was holding some sort of adorable long eared bunny creature in both arms.
And apparently she couldn't even be bothered to ring the doorbell herself.
Spoiler: Roll: 13
Six… golden disco patterned goblins were arrayed around her. They had massive heads compared to their bodies. One stood on top of another, pressing the doorbell as they all looked inside.
Parian just knew getting involved with Henchmistress would bring her nothing but trouble…
So of course, she strode forth and opened the door.
"Henchmistress? What are you doing here?"
"Can I come in?" Henchmistress sniffled.
Parian blinked.
"Of course, just, um…" Parian began, her eyes trailing up to the hideous sludge creature as it gyrated and pulsed in place.
"He'll stay outside. Don't worry."
Parian was already worried about associating with a known villain, even if she was a joke villain. Then again, the streets weren't packed, but there were enough people out even today that the damage was likely already done at this point.
"Alright then. Come in. Do dry off at the door though, I'll bring you some towels."
The girl, her bunny, and her goblin entourage walked in on the well worn welcome mat, and immediately she started wringing her dress out like it was a towel. Parian was silently glad she'd taken the extra effort to make her outfit very resilient to wear and tear, because the girl clearly needed it. She stepped into the back, grabbing a bundle of towels from the closet before walking back to the click clack of her heels.
"Set your bunny down so I can dry you off properly."
Henchmistress did as Parian instructed, though the bunny simply floated out of her arms and hovered in the air over her shy looking goblin entourage. Parian simply powered through the strangeness of her power and started drying off the poor, shivering girl. She pondered how to start a conversation with her before deciding to start with a few niceties.
"Very Alice in Wonderland today, aren't you? The bunny really gives you that look. Isn't that my thing?"
Henchmistress stared at her vacantly from under her mask.
"...Not feeling talkative today, are we?"
"Sorry…" she mumbled. "I'm sick."
Well, that explained a bit. It was hardly the kind of day most people went to the boardwalk, and business had indeed been so slow that Parian had decided to enjoy what privacy she could have in her current life anymore by simply closing up shop.
Though she supposed she couldn't blame Henchmistress for not knowing. She didn't have a phone after all.
"You're sick?"
"Mhm…" The girl tiredly responded.
"Why come here and not to a doctor then?"
"...I didn't know where else to go."
Parian frowned as she finished drying off the girl's dress. She wasn't ignorant. She understood that the girl's situation was somewhat dire before, and she could make several inferences about her life outside of her cape identity. If she had someone else she felt she could depend on, she would never have come to Parian as her first choice. It was the kind of decision made less out of trust and more out of desperation, though Parian didn't doubt that there was a bit of both going on there.
A girl her age should have someone looking after her, and the fact that she was here said things about her personal life. She had mentioned being homeless before. It was easy to draw the obvious connection there, and given she said it with no small amount of shame before, it was likely this was a somewhat recent development.
And here she was, shaking like a leaf, sick as a dog, walking all the way here.
Parian took a deep breath.
"You're dry enough. Do you have a change of clothes?"
She shook her head.
"I had to leave most of my stuff in the basement…"
"You live in a basement?"
"Too much water leaked in. Couldn't sleep…"
Parian felt her heart clench as she pulled the villain into her sewing room. This poor girl needed help, and she knew she wasn't well equipped to provide it herself. She chewed her lip underneath her mask as she thought about what to do. Parian was an only child. This would have been so much easier if she was older, more like her mother, or had any experience taking care of anyone other than herself. It's much easier to interact with children through the show-puppets.
One thing was incredibly obvious, however.
"...you can't stay at my shop."
Henchmistress crossed her arms, though it looked rather petulant if Parian was being honest.
"I can provide security! Watch!"
Spoiler: Roll: 10
Immediately crowding the space in her sewing room was a gaggle of groaning green skinned pirates. The zombies, and that's what they were, had large bulbous eyes, yellow teeth more missing than actually present, and stilted, hunched over posture. All of their eyes immediately locked onto Parian as they lurched forward.
Parian thought privately that it was surprising not one of them had an eyepatch.
"Henchmistress, do I have permission to beat up your zombies?" Parian said, shrinking behind her fabric mannequin. The zombies abruptly stopped, idling in place as Henchmistress nodded. I had the fabric golem start bashing their heads in as I helped Henchmistress out of her outfit and into some comfortable sweatpants and a spare Bunny Kingdom t-shirt from the inventory. It was a little big on her, and it just made the short girl look even younger.
Parian did at least have the wherewithal to reflect on how ridiculous the situation was as the girl wordlessly moved her arms to get the shirt on either, another Zombie Pirate getting its head crushed like a grape. The young girl, now maskless, looked as tired as she'd been acting.
"I don't mean that you can't protect my shop." Parian began, glancing at the golden goblins and the floating bunny as they watched her Mannequin rip the head off another hapless zombie. "But you did just get Hookwolf arrested. The Empire will want to retaliate, but no one knows where you live. If you start living here, the Empire might target me and my shop in order to get to you."
The girl's eyes drooped to the floor. Tired. Weary. Guilty.
"I'm sorry…"
Parian could see the moment she accepted defeat. The way her shoulders slumped, the light in her eyes disappearing, replaced with the casual haunted defeat that plagued so many people walking the streets of Brockton Bay.
Parian simply couldn't take it.
"You can keep a secret, yes?"
The girl looked up, just a hint of a sparkle winking into existence. Parian decided she wasn't going to let it go out this time. Her hands reached up to her mask… and she hesitated. She hadn't unmasked to anyone before, and yet she knew the earnest girl in front of her wouldn't dream of letting her identity slip. Before she could second guess herself, she removed her mask and set it on the table.
Henchmistress's eyes widened in surprise.
"You're sleeping at my house today."
Immediately, the young girl started to calculate her objections, but Sabah had already made her decision. The girl clearly needed help, and while she didn't think she was suited to being that help, she was the only one she trusted.
How to say this in a language she would understand…
"Think of it like I'm kidnapping you. You don't have a choice in the matter." Sabah said, changing out of her Parian outfit. "And please, dispel your summons please. Changing into civies isn't much of a disguise if we're being followed by an army of golden goblins and a giant slime."
The girl, to her credit, was quick to comply. Maybe she was just too stunned to do anything else, but it still got the goblins to wink out of existence. Sabah glanced at the bunny creature as it floated in the air. Henchmistress followed her eyes and frowned.
"...you can simply carry that one. Nothing's unusual about a young girl carrying a rabbit doll, and he's small enough for it."
"...thanks Parian." The girl replied, ordering the floppy eared bunny to float into her grip. She looked perhaps a tiny bit too old for the look, but most people would be too charmed by the sight to ask questions.
"Please, call me Sabah." Sabah replied, putting effort into maintaining at least some sense of emotional distance up. No sense in getting attached.
"...I'm Mina."
"Yes, nice to meet you face to face Mina." Sabah smiled, dragging the girl out the back of her shop and to her car.
Thankfully, the ride to her apartment was uneventful. The driving conditions were dreadful, but even the gangs were still made of people who wanted to stay dry. Sabah spent most of the ride stealing glances at the girl out of the corner of her eye while mentally recalculating all of her custom orders for this week.
Mina didn't seem much in the mood for conversation. It took until a red light for Parian to realize the girl had nodded off in her passenger seat to the sound of the rain storm.
As she waited for the light to change, the back of her head hit the head rest. She just couldn't help herself. Ever since the puppet show, Sabah couldn't help but dwell on the audience that day. The alarmed cries of the kids when the heroes were in danger, their cheers when the dragon was dealt the fatal blow… the smiles that lit up the whole evening.
It's not that her shows were just some way for her to make money independently without relying on sponsoring the local shops, but at the same time it was hard to fully divorce the shows from her need to put them on to keep the water running. It was performative, too. A way to signal that she wasn't just another cape out there with a chip on her shoulder looking to wield their new power like a hammer in a world full of nails.
The weight of being the only cape in the city trying not to choose a side, not fight and leave 'acceptable' casualties in her wake, wore her down. What once came from a place of joy had slowly turned into something else she had to juggle, and the joy she found in making her cast of characters turned into another chore.
Mina changed that. She swooped in, stopped her show from being ruined, and helped her put on something truly special. It wasn't just the kids she'd made smile that day. The magic of making something together, in the moment, rekindled that charm for her. Reminded her why she was here, doing what she was doing. It reminded Parian of a better time when she was younger and had so much more hope for her future.
The least she could do was repay the favor.
Looking over at the girl though, as the light turned green and she drove down her street, she reminded herself this was the girl who got Uber, Leet and Hookwolf arrested in a matter of days. The girl who had the eyes of most of the city on her, waiting to see what she would do next, softly snoring in the seat of her car.
"...what am I getting myself into?"
Light broke through the clouds, hitting the window and cascading over my face.
I grumbled and turned over, pulling the covers over myself, wishing I could get five more minutes of sleep. It wasn't every day I woke up warm, much less comfortable. I still felt a bit sluggish, but I could tell, even in my bleary state of consciousness, that I was over the hump, so to speak.
The events of last night trickled into my brain, and my eyes snapped open.
Spoiler: Roll: 17
Immediately, a torpedo shaped shark with wicked sharp teeth appeared, perfectly balanced on its lower fin like a house of cards in the middle of the bedroom. I yelped and fell off the bed. Even if it was my own power, that was still a giant shark right in my face. Thankfully, the carpeting was soft enough that I didn't bruise myself.
I looked at my shark. My shark looked at me quizzically. Lopmon very helpfully looked at the both of us from the bed. I must've used the little guy as a cuddle pillow all night.
"Mina?"
A pair of footsteps sounded from outside the door of the small room. It opened, revealing Sabah in a floral patterned t-shit and a pair of grey sweatpants. She stared into the room at me, my bunny, and my giant shark creature, and I could see the exasperation in her eyes.
"Shar?" My Shark added sagely.
I could see Sabah's brain realizing exactly what she'd just gotten into. She let out a tired sigh that suited someone like a decade older than her.
"Come along. I've got breakfast in the kitchen."
"T-that's okay, I brought food in my-"
"Stolen little debbies are not food. They're empty calories they drown in sugar and bright colors." Sabah deadpanned.
My ears might've went a little red. I got up off the floor, grabbed my bunny, and followed after Sabah. My shark kinda surfed along the ground behind me. I don't know how it managed to wiggle it's way through the door, but it did.
Sabah's place was small. It was a single bedroom apartment. Just a bedroom, living room and kitchen separated by a small counter, a bathroom and a small closet. Sabah fetched a nice pink bowl with a white interior and set it on the counter, gesturing for me to sit down on the stool. I did so, and she dug a box of Honey Bunches of Oats out of her cabinet and poured me a bowl. I looked at the cereal and tried not to feel ungrateful.
She quickly added some milk and a spoon, before heading back to her fridge.
"What do you want to drink? I've got tea, orange juice, and milk."
"Orange Juice."
Sabah wordlessly nodded, pouring me a modest glass before eating her own breakfast, the same cereal while standing in the kitchen, letting me use the stool. I tried not to feel the burning shame of relying on her as she made her life harder for me, and really did not succeed.
Was she going to ask questions about why I was homeless? Pressure me to join the Wards again? Now that she had this kind of power over me, I felt super nervous. I clutched Lopmon X in my lap and waited for her to speak as I shovelled surprisingly tasty cereal into my mouth.
Who knew cereal could be tasty without marshmallows?
"You can stay here for a while." Sabah began, though her tone made it immediately apparent that there would be conditions.
"...I can?"
"A girl your age shouldn't be homeless." Sabah said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "And you came to me. I can't help but feel responsible for you, and if I turned you away and something happened to you, I don't think I'd be able to live with myself."
"I'm sorry to put that kind of pressure on you."
"Don't worry about it too much. As long as this doesn't bite my secret identity in the butt, I'm willing to help you out." Sabah said, idly toying with the mush of cereal at the bottom of her own bowl. "But that means you have to be careful."
Sabah glared at my big shark. Sharpedo had the temerity to look a little embarrassed about it. I reached out to pet my surprisingly empathetic shark, only to pull my hand back after just one stroke. Sharpedo, it turns out, was not very pettable.
"I can not summon stuff in your apartment. And I'll sleep on the couch or the floor. It's still better than roughing it."
Sabah set down her spoon, and pushed her bowl to the side. That was usually adult speak for 'I'm about to say something serious'.
"Mina, I can't look after you forever." Sabah said. "I'm not old enough to be taking care of a kid your age, nor do I have the time. If you're going to stay here, I don't ask you to make money or stay locked inside all the time, but you need to be looking at other places to live."
"Other places?"
"I'd normally suggest an aid group, but well, this is Brockton Bay. There's enough human trafficking between the two major gangs that I wouldn't feel safe about it. That, and your summons are… conspicuous."
We both, once again, looked at Sharpedo. Its fins sagged and it averted its eyes. Oh shark, how I wish I could pet you…
"So… what do you recommend? Other than the Wards?"
"I would obviously prefer you join a hero organization, so my first recommendations would be New Wave and the Wards, though both of them come with complications. I'll look around, but I can only do so much."
"I'm a very mean super villain."
"I'm sure you are." Sabah replied in a way that very much indicated she didn't fully believe me. "Just… put some effort into giving them both a shot. I'll see what other cape groups I can find. I've got a laptop you can use while I'm at work to help your search."
A silence filled the air.
I was homeless, but I still had my pride. I didn't like the idea of being dependent on someone else for basic necessities. If it weren't for the scare of yesterday, I might not have been willing to listen to her. I didn't trust other people easily. I didn't want to. They had their own interests, and were more than willing to be two faced to get what they wanted. Joining another group felt like surrendering. Losing.
Still, she did have a point. I didn't love being homeless and all, and being a cape now, anyone I decided to put myself up with would be in danger from the gangs. The Empire already had a big reason to get at me, and anyone I lived with was at risk if I ever got found out. Sabah already was, but she was a cape who could protect herself if need be. If I was going to find a proper home, I had to be realistic, and realistically, only a cape group could reasonably protect me…
I still hated to admit it, even just to myself. Mom and Dad would've wanted better for me than a basement under an abandoned building.
I stood up, mentally dismissing Lopmon as I walked over to Sabah in the kitchen, and gave her a hug.
"Thank you." I said, not just for myself, but for my folks who weren't here to thank her for going out of her way to help me. Parian just pulled me in and let me hug her. We stayed like that for a while, and I just… enjoyed the contact with a person I knew I could trust. It's been way too long…
Of course, now is exactly when Sharpedo thought he could join the hug. Despite not having arms, the shark tried to slide up and nuzzle us with his side like a cat. His rough skin jolted me to alertness, causing me to yelp and jump.
"Sharpedo!"
The shark hopped back, thoroughly chastised. For as fierce as he looked, he certainly was an affectionate fish, wasn't he? Well, even if it was hard, everyone needed a good hug.
As Sabah snickered at my predicament, I couldn't stay mad at my oddly adorable shark. I turned to Sabah, a sheepish smile on my face.
"Do you have any gloves?"
"Tattletale."
"I was wondering when you'd call, boss."
"Give me an update."
"It's hard to get into contact with a girl who has no home address. I'm making inroads, but she's not very trusting… or observant."
"I expect better than that."
"It would be easier if I had something to offer. I don't think she'll accept joining the team, and my power agrees."
"She's a useful asset."
"...she's got too much of a moral backbone boss. I can keep trying, but I don't make promises I can't keep."
"Indeed. Perhaps a harder sell is required."
"You know that would backfire eventually."
"I'm prepared for every eventuality. I would hope you had learned that lesson by now, Sarah."
"..."
"Make yourself useful Tattletale, or I might decide your talents are best put to work elsewhere. Do we understand each other?"
"We do..."
"Good."
*Click!*
"Great… just great…"
Sorry Mina, it's you or it's me.
One downside of the Wiki Warrior format is that, sometimes, you just roll dogwater. These rolls aren't bad per say, they're pretty average, but after the back to back to back great rolls of the previous chapters, they're very much just... there in comparison. There is potential for any roll here to roll something wildly different in narrative potential, and I've kept the randomness limitation in mind. If she rolled a healing summon in her first two for example, or a sentient person, stuff could have been different. I was prepared to write a solo quest where a human summon has to navigate an unfamiliar society to get medicine/a doctor, or one where she rolls, say, a super healer like Idun or Yunalesca, who could have taken things into a different direction by healing her up and reinforcing Mina's faith in her power and independence instead of this. I usually try to make my setups for each chapter flexible enough to accomodate a wide variety of situations. and I think I succeeded.
That didn't happen though. One of the reasons Mina is so... herself is to compliment the Wiki Warrior format, and her having her own shit going on means I'm not reliant on summons to make things interesting necessarily, which I hope this chapter showcases well. Things are changing for her, and now, her goal has changed. She's still a joke villain, but now, she's going to be looking around and talking to the various groups in the Bay, looking for a place she can call home. I'm sure she will be totally reasonable about this and nothing at all will go wrong.
Ignore the phone call at the end. Everything is fine!
"Alright class, pass your bellringers to the front. We're going to start with a quiz."
The class groaned. Mr. Granger secretly relished in their agony, but he was still a professional and he put on a mask of cold indifference as he walked in front of the overhead projector, collecting the bellringers and setting them inside his desk drawer for later grading.
"Um… Mr. Granger?"
"Yes, Victoria?"
"You um, don't have… anything else to comment on?"
Mr. Granger looked at Victoria Dallon, then his eyes scanned the rest of the classroom, and settled on a figure at the back of the class in a red, princess dress thing. She also wasn't alone.
Spoiler: Roll: 2
Surrounding her was a gaggle of three robotic toy soldiers that looked like British army nutcrackers, all carrying trumpets shaped like muskets…
Mr. Granger was a professional, so he didn't freak out at the villain in his classroom. If she was posing a threat, Victoria would probably have done something about her by now. That said, as the man in charge of these kids, he should probably say something.
"...Henchmistress?"
"Yes sir?" The villain replied respectfully.
"No toys in my class."
The girl squawked indignantly.
"They aren't toys! They're my dastardly minions! They are fearsome and terrible, and deserve basic respect just like everyone else!"
The class was… well, Granger would have said silent, but a room full of teenagers was never truly silent, no matter how quiet it apparently seemed. Most of the teenagers were not hiding their curiosity at the villain in the back of the class as she planted her foot on the desk and crossed her arms as though expecting an apology. Victoria in particular looked decidedly exasperated.
Two teenage capes in one crammed classroom. Today was going to be a long day…
Earlier that morning.
It was so nice having access to the internet without having to leave the comfort of the bed. It had been a day already, and I'd tried to make myself useful while I was here. I cleaned her apartment, took inventory, and tried to cook for Sabah.
Given my entire culinary experience was limited to heating up Easy Mac, that last one was something I was now explicitly forbidden from attempting.
The PHO thread was seeing an uptick in activity, and I was interacting a bit more than usual, so that was at least going well. People were speculating, talking about my summons, all things I was happy about, and people didn't seem to be that scared of me.
My problem was, once again, creativity. Given that I was staying in Sabah's apartment now, I couldn't just scrounge up materials for another lemonade stand style idea. I'm pretty sure the police confiscated those last time, and without a secret lair, it would be super hard to smuggle anything I stole into her apartment.
It was so worth having a warm place to sleep and remote internet access, but it was yet another thing tamping down on my potential as a villain.
There was also the matter of needing to look for a place to stay. It was a weight on my conscious as long as I was here, so I needed to put in some serious effort in each day, or I'd feel like I was taking advantage of Sabah's kindness. Coming up with good ideas was hard…
It was then that I got a DM.
■
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Private Conversation with TelltheTeacher
►TelltheTeacher: A girl your age should be in school…
►The_Henchmistress: And I, the villain, should do this because?
►TelltheTeacher: Because all kids your age need to spend time with your peers. It's not healthy to be slumming around like a hobo.
►The_Henchmistress: Okay one: I've met some very nice hobos. Two: How would you know I'm not going to school?
►TelltheTeacher: I'm a teacher myself, if the name wasn't obvious. I really do think it would be good for you.
►The_Henchmistress: How DARE you get all sanctimonious with me, buster! I have a great many important things to do. School is just a waste of time!
►TelltheTeacher: So you would rather be stupid?
►The_Henchmistress: What?! You've got some nerve, stupidhead! I'm a genius!
►TelltheTeacher: But I'm not alone, am I? Lots of people in your thread have mentioned something similar. I'm just trying to reach out here, and let you know there are social services to help you get back into school.
►The_Henchmistress: You truly don't understand anything at all, do you? For a teacher, you sure are lousy with 'kids' like me.
►TelltheTeacher: I'm quite the smart cookie, I think you'll find . But more to the point, is there no way I can convince you to be a good kid and do what you're told?
►The_Henchmistress: You're rage-baiting me. That's the only possible explanation. You can't seriously have thought this would work, could you?
►TelltheTeacher: Young lady, to cut the bullshit, I'm being very serious here. As an educator, it's genuinely disheartening to see someone with such bright potential have it squandered because of an unfortunate living situation. You surely went to school at some point, and I implore you to go back. Even the poorest schools could be your only path to a normal, healthy life. I just want that for you.
►The_Henchmistress: I'm blocking you.
Under the cover's of Sabah's bed, I seethed. What was with everyone thinking they knew what was best for me? Thinking they could just… tell me how to live my life just because my living situation wasn't the best? It was really getting under my skin!
'Join the Wards! Go back to School!' It just never ended! Maybe one downside of being a joke villain was that people got a little too comfortable around me…
Go to school… yeah right!
…huh?
Actually, that wasn't a half bad idea. Normally, a villain breaking into a school was signing their own kill order on the same day in their blood if they were lucky, and their brain matter if they weren't. A villain who would slaughter young kids was handled with the full and uncompromising wrath of the PRT.
But well, that's only if the villain was actually threatening the kids.
It was a bit of a risky gamble, and I'd almost certainly have to deal with a response at some point, but a school was actually a decent place to hold my next scheme. Teenagers basically ran social media, and besides that, what self respecting kid my age didn't daydream about ripping up pop-quizzes or talking back to their teacher?
People want me to go to school? I'd show them just how well that worked out for them…
I stared at the quiz like it had personally offended me. It occurred to me that I didn't bring a pencil. Sneaking into the school wasn't actually that hard all things considered. Arcadia did have a security system, but a regular guy with a taser was quickly and nonviolently dispatched by my three Guards.
And Arcadia really was the best school to pull this kind of publicity stunt. The PRT loved its plausible deniability, so even if people suspected the Wards went here, that normally wouldn't be enough to get them to play hands off for now.
No, it was the fact that the New Wave kids went here that made it perfect.
They were out capes. As long as I made sure to follow one of them to their classes, even the PRT wouldn't be able to claim I was running rampant. Victoria was perfect, and I don't just mean that because she's unfairly pretty. She's a flying brute, so unlike Panacea who could only heal, she was strong enough to 'keep an eye on me'.
This did have one major downside. I stared at the math sheet, not understanding half the symbols on the piece of paper. It only now occurred to me that Victoria was a couple of years older than me. Maybe following around Panacea was a better idea since at least she was closer to my age, but then again invading a school and holding America's greatest healer hostage probably got me nuked from orbit or something.
So I was forced to follow around the beautiful, pretty blonde girl instead. What a shame.
Still, I couldn't doodle on the quiz if I didn't have a pencil. I leaned over to the girl next to me, a nerdy type with thick glasses, freckles, and short black hair.
"Pssst!"
Nothing. The girl's eyes didn't leave her paper. I tried waving at her, but a stern glance from Mr. Granger had me shrink back. Villain or not, respect for teachers was drilled into me from a young age… except for TelltheTeacher. Frick that guy!
I mean, I had the Guards. Their guns were basically trumpets… or were their trumpets basically guns? I still wasn't sure. Would they destroy anything if I had them fire?
I really wish my power came with a strategy guide.
I sent them a command to ask for a pencil, and they just stood stock still. Apparently my robotic minions couldn't talk. That was fine. I could just get their attention another way!
Instantly, the room dropped several degrees. That wasn't a metaphor, it just literally got colder. Right beside my toy soldiers, next to the now slightly frosted window, was a little ice golem. He was wide and a little shorter than me… and made of ice. Which was cold.
That, at least, got the girl I was sitting next to to startle at the sudden decrease in temperature… and everyone else for that matter. Victoria floated out of her seat in a fighting stance, and I quickly put my hands up in faux surrender.
Mr. Granger gave me an exasperated look.
"Miss Henchmistress… why did you summon an ice golem in the middle of my classroom?"
"...can I have a pencil?"
The man aged several years in the span of a few seconds.
"...Mandy, do you have a pencil she can borrow?"
The glasses girl shakily nodded, reaching into a side pocket of her backpack and pulling out a number 2 pencil.
"Thanks Mandy!"
"N-No problem…" She replied shakily. Was she shivering from the cold? What was with my ice summons always being in the worst place at the worst time?
"Glory Girl, can you beat up my Frost Pebblit?" I asked.
Victoria looked at me in confusion.
"Why not just unsummon it yourself? Is that a limitation of your power?"
Well, kinda sorta, but don't just say that!
"N-No! But come on, do you really expect me to summon this beautiful baby ice golem then immediately wipe it from existence? That's just cruel!"
"And it's somehow less cruel for me to kill it just after it was born?"
"Exactly! At least then it fulfills its purpose as my disposable meatshield!"
Victoria looked like she had no idea what to do. She shot a distraught look at her teacher, who met her confused glance with his own.
"Do as she says." Mr. Granger sighed. "We're already behind on the class schedule."
Victoria glanced around at the rest of the class, noticing several of her classmates putting on their jackets as the ice emanating from the Pebblit continued to seep through the room. Her shoulders slumped as she floated over, reared back, and delivered a terrifyingly powerful right hook directly into my Pebblit's center mass. It exploded into a shower of ice fragments that, thankfully, dispelled before any of the other kids could be hit with the shrapnel. Victoria turned to me, floating in the air surrounded by a thin layer of falling mist, and I just kinda goggled at her under my mask.
Some people were so pretty they were proof that God did, in fact, play favorites.
"Next time, Miss Henchmistress, if you need something, please raise your hand instead of making me have to turn up the thermostat."
I blushed under my mask, feeling thoroughly chastised. I nodded and returned to my worksheet, one number 2 pencil richer. The numbers on the page made sense, but it was the other stuff that didn't. Part of me chided myself for not asking Pythagoras for math lessons, but in my defense, that was a busy day, and he was kind of a loser.
I was never the best student back at Immaculata, but the small part of me that wanted to give a legitimate effort in class felt absolutely inadequate looking at the indecipherable mess of numbers, letters, and unfamiliar symbols on the page.
In the end, it was easier not to try. I just wasn't a smart kid, and I didn't need to dwell on it.
I glanced over at my Guards and imagined them in various anime poses. I gave my best shot at doodling one of my Guards firing a Kamehameha at a barely recognizable yet helpfully labelled doodle of Mr. Granger, but before I was even halfway done with the laserblast, time was up.
"Alright. Time's up. Pass your Quizzes to the front please."
"But I'm not done yet!"
"Perhaps you would have had more time if you hadn't wasted time summoning snowmen." Mr. Granger replied like a jerk! I huffed, but I knew if I pushed my luck too bad here the situation might start to feel less funny, so I grumbled under my breath and passed it to the dude in front of me.
"Can you believe this, Mandy? Not even one more minute!"
Mandy looked at me, a quizzical look on her face. The downside of sitting next to a shy nerdy type was that they weren't the most outgoing people. Maybe she just needed some encouragement.
"Wanna see a cool trick?"
"No cool tricks in my classroom." Mr. Granger replied, already putting on a powerpoint for the rest of class. "The only cool tricks anyone should be doing are math tricks."
I dunno how he said that with a straight face. I looked over at Mandy, and she looked silently mortified at how many eyes were glancing back at me and hitting her with splash damage. Victoria looked at me in complete consternation. The other kids were somewhere between incredulous and amused, but a part of me still felt mortified knowing that, while they were laughing, it was at my expense.
School sucks…
When the bell rang, people lingered as I got out of my seat and walked right up to Glory Girl.
"So, where to next?"
"...why are you asking me?"
"Pffft! Do you think I have a schedule? Puh-lease! No, I was just gonna follow you around all day."
Victoria rubbed the bridge of her nose in consternation.
"Fine… my next class is AP Biology. Follow me."
"You don't seem all that surprised." I frowned.
"The principal asked me to keep an eye on you." Victoria replied, shooting me a glare. "Apparently, no one wants to risk a fight in the middle of the school, and the PRT is reasonably sure you won't intentionally cause problems."
"And the Wards who definitely don't go here can't do that?"
"The Wards who definitely don't go here can't just vanish in the middle of the school day, Henchmistress. This is like, the one place they can't just suit up and show up to… if they actually went here, which they don't."
"Of course." I complied with the lie for everyone's sake. "Oh, I'm uh, sorry for the inconvenience?"
Victoria just kept walking forward, only giving me a shrug as acknowledgement. The lack of reaction just made me more nervous. I took my number two pencil and nothing else with me as I followed her down the hall. My Guards followed behind me like little ducklings following their mama duck, and I held my head high through conscious, committed effort. No reason a supervillain should be nervous about high school students after all!
I could make it through one school day, easy peasy.
It was lab day, apparently. I didn't even know the whole 'dissecting a frog' lab was an actual, real thing until I saw the little critters sitting in the sterile smelling trays. The other high school students joked around with each other, pointing at me with their gloved and definitely not sterile anymore hands. At least I was popular now, that was something different from Immaculata at least.
The Science Teacher, Ms. Agnes, looked put off by my presence.
"Ah. The Principal did mention this might happen. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to wait outside…"
"What! Why?!"
"Well, you would need to wash your hands and wear gloves for this. It also wouldn't be fair since we're working in pairs today. You haven't done any of the preparatory worksheets or studying, and it wouldn't be right for the student you're paired with."
She did have a point… but come on, dissecting a frog was like, the quintessential science class thing! Sure, maybe it was super mega gross, but like heck was I going to miss out on this opportunity!
"Do you even know who I am, Ms. Agnes? I'm the Henchmistress! If I can't be one of your student's partners, then I've got the solution right here!"
Predictably, when the giant spider the size of a large dog with a single, disgustingly huge yellow eye appeared in a room with teenage girls in it, they shrieked in abject terror. Glory Girl, alarmed by the noise, and noticing the massive bug, picked up and threw a lab stool at it. It splatted the wall in an unsightly green fluid, splashing me with its guts before they vanished along with the rest of my minion.
The poor thing was alive for mere moments, and killed for the crime of being too ugly. Oh well, it's not it had opposable thumbs. Poor guy probably would have eaten my frog or something.
Maybe the next one would be a better fit.
Spoiler: Roll: 17
A big tree guy appeared… and it immediately started snowing. Inside the lab. I groaned. What was with my power and ice? Did it just hate me? Apparently I was literally too cool for school…
"Abomasnow, really? Can you turn off the snow?"
Abomasnow looked at me quizzically. The snow did seem to die down, but looking at my lumbering treeman, her hands looked way too big to be able to help me with my frog Autopsy. Still, it couldn't hurt to ask.
"Do you wanna be my lab partner?"
Abomasnow looked at the dead creature in the plate, and tensed up, averting her eyes immediately. What, so my last ent was fine slaughtering humanity and bathing the streets in their blood, and this Ent had moral compunctions about dissecting frogs?
My power made zero sense sometimes…
I briefly considered asking Glory Girl to kill this one too, but it felt mean. Abomasnow clearly had empathy and didn't do anything wrong, so I just mentally commended her to go wait out in the hall, to her visible relief.
Third Time's the charm then.
"Ms. Henchmistress-"
My prayers for a creature with opposable thumbs were answered. My prayers for 'pleasant to look at', however, were not. What appeared was a tribal looking goblin with a long nose and a nasty grin on his face. He looked smelly, and I couldn't even smell him.
"You called, boss? Who needs stabbin?"
"No one needs "stabbin", Snagla. I just need a partner to help me do a dissection."
I turned to a now somewhat pale Ms. Agnes, a smile under my mask.
"Well, now I have a partner for the dissection, so I don't have to leave. Everyone wins!"
"...right. Just… promise you won't summon any more… friends."
"Pfft! I don't need to do that now! I've already got a lab partner, isn't that right, Snagla?"
"Whateva you say, boss!" Snagla snarled, actively picking his nose with one hand while waving his spiked club around. Ew. Ew ew ew.
"Snagla! Wash your hands!"
Thankfully, verbal orders were recognized by my power, and Snagla waddled over to the sink and started washing his hands. I was pretty sure he wouldn't normally know how to do that… or want to, so I was extra grateful for my power.
Victoria watched my newly summoned goblin with suspicious eyes as he walked back over to my lab station and looked up at me (barely) with a crooked, sharp toothed grin.
"So boss, which a-these humies are we cuttin open?"
"What?! No! We're dissecting frogs. Frogs! Not people!"
"Dat's stupid. Frogs don't scream like humies do. Theyz a good snack though, ehehehe…"
"Well, you're stupid!"
"I'm da cunnin-est warboss o da Drakwald! Yous is da boss, but I'm the cleverest!"
"Henchmistress." Victoria grumbled. "Can you please stop arguing with your goblin? We've only got so much time this class period."
"Sorry."
"Yeah, sorry you floaty git." Snagla snarled.
Somehow, over the course of the next ten to fifteen minutes, I managed to prevent Snagla from eating the dissection frog while also keeping him from interjecting whenever he disagreed with what Ms. Agnes called the frog's organs.
"That ain't a 'lung', issa croaka!"
It was trying on my patience. It was trying on Victoria's patience. Everyone else was clearly distracted by my storybook goblin being his awful self. I would have had more patience for it if he was an actual good lab partner, but he wasn't. I had to mentally order him not to pick his nose, or to put his fingers in his mouth, or to pick other people's noses. Why would I have to ever say that last one?!
I got the sense the class was going to be receiving 'goblin endurance' extra credit.
If I could have managed the lab on my own, it would've been fine, but wow did I have no idea what I was doing. I was so nervous having to keep Snagla from getting me in trouble while also doing most of the work myself. My patience finally ran out when I saw him violently pin the leg of the frog to the dissection tray, visibly looking for a reaction and salivating over the thing.
Nope.
Nopenopenope.
"You have failed me for the last time, Snagla!" I said, putting my hands on my hips.
"Eh, wot I do?"
"Begone!"
I snapped my fingers, and I mentally commanded Snagla to let out a scream before dispelling him in a puff of green smoke. I sat down silently at the lab station, still not knowing what to do, and now down one lab partner. I walked over, defeated, to another group of Mandy and some other girl as they gaped at me.
"Can I join your group?"
Maybe science wasn't an exact science…
Lunch.
Blessed lunch.
My Abomasnow and my Guards trailed behind me as I waited in line for the latest and greatest in cafeteria slop. It didn't matter which school you went to. Immaculata, Arcadia, Winslow… all schools had subpar, mediocre food. I'd have been more upset about it it I wasn't just thankful I'd managed to escape the lab.
The cartoons made labs look fun. They lied. Labs were so stressful. Maybe I just had it worse, but things happened so fast and I barely had time to keep up without falling behind, and even just watching I didn't really understand what was going on. Just another reminder that school wasn't the right place for me.
Sure, part of it was that I had no context going in, and it was a more advanced class than I would ever be allowed in, but once again, it was a blow to the ego. At least I had my power.
I made it to the front of the line and held out my tray.
The lunchlady just gave me the most 'done with your nonsense' look she could muster.
"You have an account?"
…what?
"No? An account?"
"For school lunches."
"I'm a criminal! I am stealing your school lunch, thank you very much!"
"Are you now?"
Annoyed, I had my Guards level their trumpets at her like a firing squad.
"What are you gonna shoot at me, an A minor?"
I had one of my guards turn it's trumpet gun on its fellow and pull the trigger. An energy ball came out of the trumpet and blasted the poor thing's head into scrap, sending the tinker-bot's headless body sprawling on the floor.
The woman didn't seem impressed.
"You realize you're threatening a civilian right now, right?"
"You're denying a child lunch because she's poor, and you're trying to make me look like the villain here?!"
Lady, I understand not liking villains, or capes in general, but this is not effective de-escalation! Are you out of your mind! I'm also hungry, cranky, and upset. And that's always a bad combination. Aiming behind her, I summon my next help to, ideally, just go around her and give me my food.